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Thread: addict in recovery, wanting to go back to dancing

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    Senior Member ivygirl's Avatar
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    Default addict in recovery, wanting to go back to dancing

    Ladies, please don't judge me for this. I'm putting my heart out there.

    I've been in recovery about 5 months now - Today I'm not worried about using, and I've been working the program.

    I started dancing at 18 and immediately fell in love with it. I originally did it to support my habit, but dancing is what i know and it's what i love to do. I lied to my mom about it, considering i still lived under her roof (and recently moved back in.). She eventually found out I did it a few days before my 19th birthday - stormed into the club pissed off and took my car (it's under her name). She became "okay" as a mother can be with me dancing, didn't want to hear shit about it - just knew i did it.

    I quit in October of last year (The club i worked at was ridiculious - no money to be made there, charged $60 for house fee which was half - if that - of what you walked out with - so many negative things about this place) after working at most of the local clubs. Some of my friends knew i did it, but i didn't really want people to know. It was for me - not something i wanted to advertise.

    Regardless, I cleaned up in July of this year - went to rehab for 3 months the day after my 20th birthday. Money has been so tight - my mom is still supporting me and i'm fucking broke. I dont want to work a mall job, be a waitress - whatever. I want to go back to dancing. The money I used to make (besides at that one club) was amazing, i didn't have to worry about anything (because the money paid for all my drugs...). I look back at all the money i spent on dope, and think about what I could have now. I'm(meaning my mom) about to not be able to afford my car insurance (because $52,000 went into rehab) , im gonna have to pay for school, insert money problems here blah blah blah. So I know i can make a lot of the money back that i need in a week or so. point is - I miss the pole, miss the attention, miss the money, miss dressing up, miss the heels and the clothes and the music and the make up - i fucking miss stripping.

    I tried to talk about this to my mom (because, like i said, I live under her roof - even though i'm legally an adult i'm still a "child" bc she's supporting me) and she says she feels like she wasted the $52000 on rehab if i go back to dancing. I know I can stay away from drugs - i've said no before, i can do it again. i feel very strongly about my recovery. I'm aware of the repercussions I could get, i see the consequences - i'm playing this shit out and laying out my options. I just don't know how to talk to her, what to do, etc..etc..I already know what club i would work at (30 minutes away, good money to be made, wouldn't embarrass her [she's a big figure in the community and people would come in knowing who she was, recgonize me])

    Advice?
    "Fella's my manager would like to remind you that while enjoying your private dance the only thing that should come out of your pants is some greenery for the scenery."

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    Default Re: addict in recovery, wanting to go back to dancing

    I wouldn't rush back into stripping. I would also be compliant with your mothers wishes and feelings for the time being because $52k is a HUGE chunk of change- lots of people's entire year's salary. That's a huge gift and investment in your future. In this situation I do have to agree: her house, her rules, especially since she's supporting you.

    Why not ease back in by cocktailing in a nightclub, or even waitressing in the club? I think after a certain amount of time and showing initiative, your mother will fully trust you again and maybe be a little more open minded about the whole thing.

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    Senior Member ivygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: addict in recovery, wanting to go back to dancing

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    I wouldn't rush back into stripping. I would also be compliant with your mothers wishes and feelings for the time being because $52k is a HUGE chunk of change- lots of people's entire year's salary. That's a huge gift and investment in your future. In this situation I do have to agree: her house, her rules, especially since she's supporting you.

    Why not ease back in by cocktailing in a nightclub, or even waitressing in the club? I think after a certain amount of time and showing initiative, your mother will fully trust you again and maybe be a little more open minded about the whole thing.
    I appreciate your input. For me easing into dancing is so much easier said then done - i couldn't just hostess or waitress, I'd want to be on that pole and knowing me I'd hop on it that night seeing other girls do that.

    I feel like such a little fucking kid having to listen to my mom regarding this shit! But i made my bed, i have to lie in it. We argued over this tonight - so i guess in the morning i'll apologize to her and kind of try to ease into her allowing this while I still live under her roof. She's suffocating me I'm just ready to get back into it so i can move out again and FINALLY truly be on my own - being able to afford things since dope won't be my only purchase anymore.
    "Fella's my manager would like to remind you that while enjoying your private dance the only thing that should come out of your pants is some greenery for the scenery."

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    Senior Member Hockogrocle's Avatar
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    Default Re: addict in recovery, wanting to go back to dancing

    I think it depends a bit on what sort of substance you had a problem with. If it was methamphetamine or cocaine, you might be OK going back again, although it would probably be better to wait until you have over a year of continuous sobriety.

    Opiates, by contrast, tend to have stronger long-term place- and situation-specific patterns associated with their use. It's not uncommon for recovering opiate addicts to experience strong cravings from being in a using-associated situation even after years of sobriety.

    I assume that you're getting follow-up support (either NA or something associated with your rehab program)? Why not bring the subject up with them? That's one of the things they are there for.

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    Senior Member ivygirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: addict in recovery, wanting to go back to dancing

    Quote Originally Posted by Hockogrocle View Post
    I think it depends a bit on what sort of substance you had a problem with. If it was methamphetamine or cocaine, you might be OK going back again, although it would probably be better to wait until you have over a year of continuous sobriety.

    Opiates, by contrast, tend to have stronger long-term place- and situation-specific patterns associated with their use. It's not uncommon for recovering opiate addicts to experience strong cravings from being in a using-associated situation even after years of sobriety.

    I assume that you're getting follow-up support (either NA or something associated with your rehab program)? Why not bring the subject up with them? That's one of the things they are there for.
    It was opiates :/ They're a HUGE epidemic here - but i know i've got the strength and will power to say no. I am in NA, working the steps with a sponsor, and i do have follow up classes with my rehab. Before i left they thought it was a terrible idea for me to go back to dancing, but nobody knows me better then i know myself and i truly, honesly have faith in myself if i go back to this.

    At rehab we were discussing the stage names I had before i left and once they heard how reflective they were of my personality back then, they're like are you fucking crazy to want to go back to dancing?! ---- they were Felony and Ivy (because I was an IV user) i thought i was so clever
    "Fella's my manager would like to remind you that while enjoying your private dance the only thing that should come out of your pants is some greenery for the scenery."

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    Default Re: addict in recovery, wanting to go back to dancing

    First of all, congrats on going into treatment and getting clean. Five months is a major accomplishment.I've been dealing with addiciton and recovery for a few years now, and I appreciate how difficult the struggle can be.

    One important thing I learned is that if you go into treatment, but then go back to the same exact life you ahd when you were using, it is very difficult to stay clean for a sustained period of time. It is so important to change what you can about your life - avoid people you hung out with when you were using, make some positive changes in your life, etc. I'm sure you have heard this before in the program.

    Now, I'm not suggesting that you never go back to dancing, but if you were doing drugs at work, or before work every time you went in (or even most times), or know people there that do drugs, I really don't think it's a great idea to go back right away. And I get the predicament, I really do - you need money to make certain changes (such as moving out), and dancing is the best waqy you know of to get that money. However, looking at the long term I really think it's better if you get some more time under your belt before you go back.

    And, I have to agree with Mediocrity - your mother really went out of her way to help you, and she deserves to have her wishes taken into consideration.

    If you really feel like you MUST go back to dancing, change what you can about the atmosphere. Try going to a new club where you don't know anyone from when you were using, and even using a different stage name might help. This could help you be a new person at this club, and leave everything that went along with the old persona - including the drugs - behind you. Don't drink at work, and remind yourself that you are at your job, not hanging out at a bar.
    Good luck!
    "I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them"
    - Mae West

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    Default Re: addict in recovery, wanting to go back to dancing

    Honestly if I had a drug or alcohol problem at all I would stay as far away from any night work as possible. Thing is what about that night you make $2K or more.. the first thing you are going to wanna do is buy drugs. Its just too easy in this environment. Being clean is the most important thing for you right now...more important than money.

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    Default Re: addict in recovery, wanting to go back to dancing

    Quote Originally Posted by ivygirl View Post
    It was opiates :/ They're a HUGE epidemic here - but i know i've got the strength and will power to say no. I am in NA, working the steps with a sponsor, and i do have follow up classes with my rehab. Before i left they thought it was a terrible idea for me to go back to dancing, but nobody knows me better then i know myself and i truly, honesly have faith in myself if i go back to this.

    At rehab we were discussing the stage names I had before i left and once they heard how reflective they were of my personality back then, they're like are you fucking crazy to want to go back to dancing?! ---- they were Felony and Ivy (because I was an IV user) i thought i was so clever
    One more thing - staying clean for the long term is not about how strong you are, or how much willpower you have. IT's about the choices you make during your recovery, and making the necessary changes. You know the old line "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". Opiate addicition changes your brain - even the strongest person in the world (who is an addict) is at risk of relapse if she puts herself into the wrong situation.
    "I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them"
    - Mae West

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    Default Re: addict in recovery, wanting to go back to dancing

    Quote Originally Posted by ivygirl View Post
    It was opiates
    Given that you are living in Florida, that's not particularly surprising.

    Quote Originally Posted by ivygirl View Post
    I am in NA, working the steps with a sponsor, and i do have follow up classes with my rehab. Before i left they thought it was a terrible idea for me to go back to dancing
    It sounds like you're doing all of the right things, but you really should listen to what your support system is telling you. They have all been through this themselves, and they know the score.

    It's not really even a question of whether or not you're going to relapse. As I'm sure you know, it is far more likely than not that you will relapse at least once after your first rehab session (particularly with opiates). The real question is how far back down to your old life you will let a relapse take you before you pull out of it. If you go back to an environment so heavily associated with your pattern of abuse, it's likely that it will take you all the the way back to the bottom (or even below it).



    Quote Originally Posted by ivygirl View Post
    nobody knows me better then i know myself and i truly, honesly have faith in myself if i go back to this.
    You really need to talk about this more with your NA group. I'd be willing to bet you that every single one told themselves exactly the same thing at some point before going back to using again.

    Anesthesiologists have (for physicians) a high rate of substance abuse, and it almost always involves opiates. They have tremendous motivation to stay clean because anesthesiology is a ridiculously well-paying specialty in the US. Yet many of them find that going back into the OR again after rehab eventually triggers overwhelming cravings to use again. A lot of them have to switch to different specialties or give up practicing medicine all together.

    Honestly, if someone has to go from making $400,000 a year doing anesthesia to making $150,000 a year doing primary care or to making $100,000 a year doing administration, don't you think it likely that you might need to work at a mall job instead of a strip club after your first rehab session, at least for awhile?

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    Default Re: addict in recovery, wanting to go back to dancing

    My sisters a recovering addict......3 years sober. I'm not sure what you were addicted to but my sister would get drunk and it would lead to crack, coke opiates(mostly pill form) she started dancing years ago after being sober a few years and was on anibuse so she would stay clean well one night she wanted an odules and it all went down from there. Flash forward 14 years and she went in one night at a club with me and she was having such withdrawl from methadone and left as she was getting ready to leave there was a girl shooting up in the bathroom. Well she freaked on me and was like yorroundings u should of let me know that club was like that you put me in jepordy had I not been strong enough to walk away I could of been dead on the floor. So you may think 5 months is a long enough time but you may need to never be in those surroundings because that's were you got your money to do the drugs so it may always be a trigger.

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    Default Re: addict in recovery, wanting to go back to dancing

    1. When you get clean, don’t make any major changes for a year.
    2. Re-read pages 99-101 (the fourth edition, I think).
    3. Do you really have a legitimate reason? Is just ‘wanting to” a reason?

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    Default Re: addict in recovery, wanting to go back to dancing

    I'm a recovering addict too and was when I first got into dancing. So the whole time I've been in there clean but it does get really frustrating. My issue is cocaine and I'm really scared of contact highs so I have a hard time getting dressed cos touching any surfaces for fear that they are contaminated. It def helps to not drink becuase it lowers your guard. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE MY SOBRIETY and I wouldnt sell it for any amount of money. There are nights that I have had to just up and leave because I felt it was too risky. The crowd was too high in general and it made me feel dirty. I just went in last night and there was a dirty coke straw just sitting on the counter in the girls restroom so I left, never even had a chance to dress. I know the dope is everywhere but I found it extremely disrespectful for people to have it 'out there' like that. I had to leave. I sort of had a diva moment but whatever.

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    Default Re: addict in recovery, wanting to go back to dancing

    OH and try getting a home pole (like xpole) and webcamming lol it helps hold me over but performing for a physical audience and cash in hand is irreplacable. sucks i know...

    And just a question, but when you see other people doing drugs, how does it make you feel? What goes through your mind?

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    Default Re: addict in recovery, wanting to go back to dancing

    I want to tell you from the other side of what relapses can do to you. I however want to commend you on going thru your programs and sticking with it.
    In my opinion Im going to agree with your mother. I sat and watched someone have their mother get them on pain pills and xanax and valume for the past 2 plus years.
    Then living in the METH capital of the world was no help either.
    The ease and availibity of drugs in a club is insane!! You are around them the entire time at work, like girls in some of the PNW clubs I know for a fact, I help packed the bottles myself of booze. No booze no touch clubs that claim to be all that are usually the worst. Going into the garage parking lot to liquor up between lap dances where you allow nipple pinching and other touching to the point of bruising is sad.

    I also think the burden of trying to compete with girls 10 years younger then the person I know killed any chance she may have had.
    MOST IF NOT ALL nights not even making the tip out is sad, it's like why do you go back . It was for the drugs?

    Drugs take the best part of you and destroy it, then when anyone who loves you or cares about your well being you hate for it. The people you surround yourself with are nothing but enablers. You end up allienating yourself to a crowd of people you would not be caught dead around sober.

    Why do this to yourself and the people who love you suffer because they want to help but you end up hating them. It ends up hurting the others around you just as much as it hurts you doing drugs.

    I don't use drugs at all, I did like 20 years ago and caught on fast to stop then. Watching your friend dealer get a hot shot and dieing was not how I wanted to end up.

    Imagine this you have a loving husband, a great career, a beautiful place to live, a very good car, Designer hand bags designer sunglasses vacations etc etc etc etc. jewelery huh to much to even add up.

    And 3 months later you have a back pack or a suitcase to your name and thats it.
    Evicted car repoed furniture gone. You know the rest. All for what getting hi???
    Was it worth it?

    I never had to struggle with addiction other then cigarettes and i know that is no comparison. But its the closest i have other then a 3 year addiction to Afrin.

    I wish you all the best and hope you seriously think of the people around you and how much they care about you.
    I am the hated one maybe for other reasons some my doing some and many not. I do and did what i do because i could see where things where heading and maybe tried to hard to stop it. I've had the misfortune of being right on many bad things in my life and hope to god everyone who reads this understands, how being on the other side of addiction effects people.

    I am in florida too so if you ever just wanna hang out and go for a coffee feel free to contact me. I can share my stories with you and hope they help you, make the best choices in life.


    I hate to say it but forget dancing if you think the temptation maybe to strong, Freaking Victoria Secrets pays better. After tip out coke out and meth out lol << joking .. but you get my point. Be safe and be well

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