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Thread: In love but he's broke...

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    Default In love but he's broke...

    He is a wonderful guy and he really loves me and wants to do good by me but....He's 42, has 2 kids, 1 is in college lives with roomates, is currently seeking employment, and has 0 money saved. I know how this may sound bad but if he hit the lotto tomorrow while I wouldnt jump into marriage, I would move forward with a commited relationship which is he wants but is not pushing. Its just that I'm just coming out of a divorce, Ive gotten a glimpse of single motherhood with little to no help financially and its not the life I want. I would never marry for money but I'm old enough to know that its not just the money someone makes but their attitude about money that can cause conflict. He just seems as though he's comfortable with a lot less...I dont have a need for expensive bags and costly dates BUT I do work hard for my money and try to save and manage it the best I can and I do like to travel and not stay at Super8's so when I see someone who seems as if they are just floating along, especially at that age,It scares me. I love him but I dont want to be blinded and not accept the reality that committing to this man means also committing to a lifestyle in which I'm not comfortable...Sigh.....

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    Being broke wouldn't be a deal breaker for me unless he is not attempting to fix the situation. I'm full of ambition and I couldn't partner with someone who isn't.


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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    Being broke is very common in this economy. However, there are to me other warning signs, like he has kids and he doesn't seem to care he's broke. Just sends me red flags. I've known women who got stuck paying child support for their husband's kids and this terrifies me. Not just that but it's hard to support someone financially if they don't want to better themselves.

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    I'm not a gold digger or materialistic, or a big purchaser of expensive items unless they're quality & will last for years, but if someone is broke (especially at his age), that is an instant turn off. If you cannot fend for yourself, then you cannot fend for our relationship. You (he) NEED to have basic needs covered (food, shelter, bills paid, little or no debt, a stable job, emergency savings) before you can work on extras like relationships, hobbies, etc.

    I tried dating a broke guy once with seemingly reasonable "excuses" as to why he was broke, but he ended up just being (well, attempting to be) a manipulative leech. And its not his fault for being a leech per se (but it is his fault for being broke!), because he needs to get his basic needs met somehow. Its bound to happen regardless of his personality. He'll either guilt trip or trick you into giving him money (even if just for basic necessities)... or he won't do either and your feelings will take over & you'll give him $ out of pity. Not. Worth. It.
    Last edited by GlamourRouge; 12-14-2011 at 02:07 PM. Reason: grammar

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    I don't feel it's a lack of ambition problem but I do feel it's a lack of dealing with reality problem. He's trying to start a business which I feel COULD be sucsessfull but it scares me that at 42 ALL his eggs are in this basket. If it doesn't produce the income he imagines it will then........??? I commend him for following his dreams but I guess at that age and with children I would just like to see a person have their own personal stuff together a bit more rather than counting on the "next big thing" to take them where they wanna be. I want to be supportive and not a downer but I feel like he needs a reality check if I'm going to further pursue this relationship. If anyone knows anything about astrology it's typical Taurus/ Pisces traits..... My feet are planted firmly on the ground, his head is in the clouds....

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    Quote Originally Posted by Pure View Post
    I don't feel it's a lack of ambition problem but I do feel it's a lack of dealing with reality problem. He's trying to start a business which I feel COULD be sucsessfull but it scares me that at 42 ALL his eggs are in this basket. If it doesn't produce the income he imagines it will then........??? I commend him for following his dreams but I guess at that age and with children I would just like to see a person have their own personal stuff together a bit more rather than counting on the "next big thing" to take them where they wanna be. I want to be supportive and not a downer but I feel like he needs a reality check if I'm going to further pursue this relationship. If anyone knows anything about astrology it's typical Taurus/ Pisces traits..... My feet are planted firmly on the ground, his head is in the clouds....
    Unless he has financial backing that's 3 times the amount he thinks he needs, its bound to fail. And who is he going to try to get to "invest" in his business? Unless he's some sort of independent contractor and has a contract with a company (much like a stripper), he needs a stable job or strong financial backing before he can even THINK about creating a business. That's even worse than not being able to find a regular job, which is what he needs to do for now.

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    Are you out of your mind? Run Away, Run Away!!

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    Ugh, your guy sounds like a guy I used to live with. Constantly broke, but refused to get a job cuz he was "too good for it" and had plans to open his own business after graduation. So he lived off his dad, while complaining that the only reason he couldn't open his business yet was because he couldn't find anybody to give him money (god forbid he actually go out and earn even part of the money himself), and then finally got money from family members to open his business... and as far as I can tell over my snooping on the internet, his webpage is extremely unprofessional, he's trying to move ahead too quickly, and he's still broke as shit because his business is barely making enough to pay for it's kiosk in the mall..... only difference between him and your guy is that he's only 23. At least he has some chance of realizing his errors and getting back on his feet. I wouldn't trust a 42 year old who puts all his stock in a business idea that'll come about "some day." I get the feeling that if you stick around, you'll be picking him back up and pulling his weight.

    I'm not a Debbie Downer. I'm all for following dreams and poo-pooing the naysayers. I get really angry when people make stupid little comments about me doing something more risky than getting a "stable" job in retail like "haha, good luck with that" like it's sooo ridiculous. But really, at 42, you don't have time to be screwing around with your money. If he had the money saved up to venture into a business idea where it wouldn't kill him if he failed, then I'd say support him. But he's not there yet, and if he ever wants to be there, he needs to get realistic about a plan - which it sounds like he isn't doing. I wouldn't wait around for him fail.
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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    Being broke is very common in this economy. However, there are to me other warning signs, like he has kids and he doesn't seem to care he's broke. Just sends me red flags. I've known women who got stuck paying child support for their husband's kids and this terrifies me. Not just that but it's hard to support someone financially if they don't want to better themselves.

    This will be the first time I agree about the kid thing here..42 & he still can't is a problem because he should be thinking about retirement at this point.

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    Being broke does build character. And if the poverty lasts long enough, it can help to instill a lifelong sense of empathy.

    However....

    1. He's 42 years old with 2 children and one in college? And he's dead-ass broke? You might want to ask how he's paying for the children he already has. If the answer is his ex, then that's a window on your future.

    2. The two of you seem to have different levels of ambition and, even more important in this particular case, different philosophies about money. That means that even once he begins to earn money, at the very least, the two of you will need to negotiate some common ground here.

    3. Starting a business in Las Vegas when you're 42 years old, dead broke and have an existing family to support is like trying to grow daisies on Mars. What he needs is cash flow and he needs that cash flow right now. Starting a business involves working impossibly long hours, living without a salary for six months to a year or more and on top of all that, going into debt.

    In your original post you indicated that he wanted a permanent relationship but "was not pushing." If he's not pushing, then why push from your side? I do understand that you've just come out of a marriage and you are a parent, but that makes you vulnerable to seeing lakes of water where there are only mirages.

    This one's a mirage. But I also think that you could simply ride this out without pushing and see where it goes.

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    I've only got one word of advice to offer for this situation ...

    NEXT !!!

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    Start focusing on the things you don't like about him. Then toss him like a rotting larva infested sack of potatoes!

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    Quote Originally Posted by GlamourRouge View Post
    I'm not a gold digger or materialistic, or a big purchaser of expensive items unless they're quality & will last for years, but if someone is broke (especially at his age), that is an instant turn off.
    YES!!!!

    When I was younger I dated a couple of broke guys. In fact, the only guy I have ever loved (and the father of my child) was dead broke and a dreamer. At the time, I could have cared less.

    However, with age I have learned that love does not pay the bills.

    In the words of Kanye, "Having money's not everything, not having it is". Truest words EVER!!!

    At this point of my life, if I met a guy of any age (especially 40+) who was broke and living with roommates, I wouldn't even want a booty call relationship with him. He would just gross me out.

    Call me a gold digger or whatever you want---but when you raise your expectations, you attract better quality men.

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    Being broke is very common in this economy. However, there are to me other warning signs, like he has kids and he doesn't seem to care he's broke. Just sends me red flags. I've known women who got stuck paying child support for their husband's kids and this terrifies me. Not just that but it's hard to support someone financially if they don't want to better themselves.
    yessss, you are absolutely spot on. tough economy, fine. but if you don't want to even grow as a person? dude, man up. i have a lot of friends who are absolutely fine with living at home in their twenties and thirties, have a degree but won't go into their field (or even try), and want nothing more than to talk about what they "will" do and not what they "are" doing to get to that future point. it's annoying.

    Quote Originally Posted by Pure View Post
    I don't feel it's a lack of ambition problem but I do feel it's a lack of dealing with reality problem. He's trying to start a business which I feel COULD be sucsessfull but it scares me that at 42 ALL his eggs are in this basket. If it doesn't produce the income he imagines it will then........??? I commend him for following his dreams but I guess at that age and with children I would just like to see a person have their own personal stuff together a bit more rather than counting on the "next big thing" to take them where they wanna be. I want to be supportive and not a downer but I feel like he needs a reality check if I'm going to further pursue this relationship. If anyone knows anything about astrology it's typical Taurus/ Pisces traits..... My feet are planted firmly on the ground, his head is in the clouds....
    this seems like a tough point for taurus/pisces. all the pisces are dreamers, they are absolutely cool with being broke, because, to them, it simply doesn't matter. they'll survive, they'll still have their fantasies, daydreams, etc. but taurus needs the tactile, the concrete, earthy foundation.

    all the pisces men i know are, well, not exactly prone to making moves for themselves. they'll give you the shirt off their back, will do anything for you, but they really don't see the need to take care of themselves. one of my best friends has a degree in graphic design; he's a pretty talented fellow, but he's working as a drug store cashier and he's almost 26. and he just got the job. he hasn't tried to find steady work as a graphic designer. at all. he's done a couple back-alley freelance jobs that undercut market value for graphic design work, but he hasn't applied for a position at a firm. at all. AT ALL. he just doesn't like the psychic stress of graphic design.

    the thing with pisceans is they feel no urgency to do anything, and if they do, they will do so. if they say they will accomplish something (deadlines, etc), then they will. absolutely. but they aren't the starters. if someone came up to my buddy and was like, i'll give you a job as a graphic designer, he'd snatch it, and run with it, and be quite successful after he grows more as a designer (not trying to be mean, he's just still got the college-vibe when it comes to his design work--people in GD will know what i mean).

    on the other hand, and i'm kind of curious about this:

    have you considered that your pragmatism, your practicality, drive, and responsible-ness could positively impact him and actually help make him into quite a success? because the fact is, pisceans have pretty much the highest potential (IMO) for success in the creative fields. consider guys like steve jobs. creativity, thinking out of the box, whatever; pisceans have this in abundance, and has been true for every one of them i've met. they just need to develop.

    Quote Originally Posted by LAChloe View Post
    YES!!!!

    When I was younger I dated a couple of broke guys. In fact, the only guy I have ever loved (and the father of my child) was dead broke and a dreamer. At the time, I could have cared less.

    However, with age I have learned that love does not pay the bills.

    In the words of Kanye, "Having money's not everything, not having it is". Truest words EVER!!!

    At this point of my life, if I met a guy of any age (especially 40+) who was broke and living with roommates, I wouldn't even want a booty call relationship with him. He would just gross me out.

    Call me a gold digger or whatever you want---but when you raise your expectations, you attract better quality men.

    very true.

    despite what i said about pisceans above, i think everyone, at a certain point in their lives, realizes what they want, and won't compromise. and you shouldn't have to. if you want someone that isn't a project, then i think this is certainly valid. you've got to figure out if you're at a point in your life where you simply know what you want, and if he doesn't fit the mold, then you should start thinking about looking elsewhere.
    Last edited by William Folds; 12-17-2011 at 08:58 AM.

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    As someone who has been broke several times in my life I think it's horrible to think that somebody would love me less because of it. It's easy to say don't deal with people who leech off you and I agree but I have had to rely on my previous partners for money before now.

    On saying that, the main problem is if he isn't doing anything about it and apathy has set in well that's a bit different from just being broke, that's just giving up. In which case I agree. Move on because that's a personality trait which will probably be the cause of you spliting you up anyway.

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    I personally think it's not a relationship worth persuing. If he is not ambitious and is comfortable with this lifestyle, then you will most likely always be miserable with him, or having to dish out more for bills then he does. I can't say that I am materialistic either but at the same time I am completely done with dating a guy who can't take care of me. I always seem to get the short end of the stick. They can be attractive and smart and well rounded but at the end of the day money is usually the root of all evil. When it's time to pay bills, I end up paying more and then some. When it comes to dates...well if you like sitting at home and renting a movie every weekend or occasionally going on a cheap date to Chili's then that's great. Me personally I am so over it. I want a guy to spoil me, buy me some gifts on my birthday, take me out to nice restaurants, and it's not about the money or being materialistic but I feel like I deserve that at the very least. If I treat a guy right, I want him to treat me right in the end too. I don't want to support a man, or pay for trips just because I want to go on them, you know? Last relationship, I paid for everything because I didn't want to travel alone. Busch Gardens a few times, and Disney and a nice hotel, I paid for the whole damn thing, that's several hundred dollars on each trip. For once in my life I want someone to treat me to those things. A real man would be happy to do so. I have a few friends who have husbands who have good careers, a beautiful house, a yard, a dog, and basically live the life. However the women in those relationships also are bringing in an income, but the MAN does more.

    Personally that's how I feel. My Grandfather took care of my Grandmother, my Dad took care of my Mom, and I will not settle ever again for a guy who cannot do the same. Call me old fashioned but I would rather be comfortable with a guy, then constantly fighting over money, and bills. Life is too short to just be home all the time, I want more than that.

    For now I am single for the next couple years by choice, but when I look again, I will not settle for less.




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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    Quote Originally Posted by sweetsam View Post
    I personally think it's not a relationship worth persuing. If he is not ambitious and is comfortable with this lifestyle, then you will most likely always be miserable with him, or having to dish out more for bills then he does. I can't say that I am materialistic either but at the same time I am completely done with dating a guy who can't take care of me. I always seem to get the short end of the stick. They can be attractive and smart and well rounded but at the end of the day money is usually the root of all evil. When it's time to pay bills, I end up paying more and then some. When it comes to dates...well if you like sitting at home and renting a movie every weekend or occasionally going on a cheap date to Chili's then that's great. Me personally I am so over it. I want a guy to spoil me, buy me some gifts on my birthday, take me out to nice restaurants, and it's not about the money or being materialistic but I feel like I deserve that at the very least. If I treat a guy right, I want him to treat me right in the end too. I don't want to support a man, or pay for trips just because I want to go on them, you know? Last relationship, I paid for everything because I didn't want to travel alone. Busch Gardens a few times, and Disney and a nice hotel, I paid for the whole damn thing, that's several hundred dollars on each trip. For once in my life I want someone to treat me to those things. A real man would be happy to do so. I have a few friends who have husbands who have good careers, a beautiful house, a yard, a dog, and basically live the life. However the women in those relationships also are bringing in an income, but the MAN does more.

    Personally that's how I feel. My Grandfather took care of my Grandmother, my Dad took care of my Mom, and I will not settle ever again for a guy who cannot do the same. Call me old fashioned but I would rather be comfortable with a guy, then constantly fighting over money, and bills. Life is too short to just be home all the time, I want more than that.

    For now I am single for the next couple years by choice, but when I look again, I will not settle for less.
    The whole idea of the man taking care of everything is old fashioned and women should aspire to more because those days were not good. Remember, women didn't have the choices we have today so as a result they had to be supported by a man. Not to mention divorce. A woman should always be prepared and that means keeping money and paying her own bills in the event the relationship fails.

    However that is different than your first part, and that I completely agree with you. I am the type who loves to spoil people I care about, whether it's my niece, my animals (yeah I know not people)friends, etc. In return though I want the same thing in cases of relationships. I have gotten the short end of the stick with regards to men where I bought them gifts and they didn't do it in return. I think everyone woman or almost every woman wants a man who will shower her with gifts. I get a lot of flack because I don't date dads, but this is one of the reasons why and it probably makes me shallow but I don't care. I would rather be alone the rest of my life than with a guy who doesn't spend money on me. I want a guy who will just buy me a gift just because. My best exboyfriend (who I keep in contact with)spoiled me and I want that again. He took me to a lobster restaurant my birthday and bought me gifts galore. I refuse to settle.

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    Quote Originally Posted by William Folds View Post
    yessss, you are absolutely spot on. tough economy, fine. but if you don't want to even grow as a person? dude, man up. i have a lot of friends who are absolutely fine with living at home in their twenties and thirties, have a degree but won't go into their field (or even try), and want nothing more than to talk about what they "will" do and not what they "are" doing to get to that future point. it's annoying.
    I don't get it either. Yes the economy is bad, and many people are unemployed, but now is the time to experiment. I am starting a new business and am working on various projects to better myself. I know way too many who refuse to better themselves. I would date an unemployed guy who is unemployed through no fault of his own and working to better himself. I would not date an unemployed man who refuses to change his life.

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    I found this post by searching "vegas" and decided to take a look see.....lol. Some of these posts remind me of my current boss. Ive knowed him for over 13 years. When I first met him I was still in high school. We use to talk and he use to tell me his GF was really on him about finding a "real job". He ran a computer repair/support biz and also made money doing stocks. He use to tell me he would pull in about 200k$ a year but she wanted him to work for a "real company" where he would pull in about 20$ an hour with his skills. He was one of the smartest people I knew and looked up to and said no way in hell would he do that for her.

    I work for him again, but this time he does work for a "real company", is head of technology for a company that runs over 80 paediatrics and pulling in about 200k$.

    Bill Gates and Steve Jobs both were broke when they finally landed their deals that made them billions.

    If you love the man, tell him to get off his lazy ass and go get a part time job or something. But if he has ideas, let him run with it.

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    I'm sorry girl..but he sounds like a typical loser in life. All losers in life want to" start their own business." And in Vegas? There is a breed of people like him in Vegas. In reality, love does not conquer all..eventually you two would break up over money. It won't work out.

    You ever watch the TV show Love Triangle on Game Network? (my guilty pleasure lol) The host Wendy Williams says- "There are three things that either make or break a relationship- Sex, Money and Lifestyle." I don't know how the sex is but 2 out of three of those things are already doomed.

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    42 and broke? A child in college? How has he been providing for his children up until now? This guy sounds like dead weight! Sounds like he's looking for a woman to mooch off of. He's not pushing for anything because he knows he doesn't have anything to offer. Sorry but he sounds like a seriously selfish loser. I mean a man with kids that is broke? So I'm too good to provide for my children? Ohh and living with roommates? See now to me I often wonder when a man has a hard break up looses everything financially in a marriage. Why would he go out there and look for a new woman when he still needs to give himself time to get back on his feet? Or is that why he got with someone new?

    I dont' know what it is but I always got these older guys hitting on me in the same situation. Broke guys living with roommates talking about their bad divorce blah blah. Why the f are you looking for someone new and much younger than yourself when you don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of? Because they need someone to live off of and bend over for them. I typically never made it to date two and in most cases date one. I felt ok he's older , more experienced blah blah but wait older , broke, roommates and kids? huh all of that doesn't even go together. All you have to do is look around at how hard these women work to make money and you'll never respect some guy wasting around on his dream bs at the expense of his own children.

    Sorry but it sounds like you're getting played by the " fall for my potential" type.

    Last thing to think about:
    Would you sit around doing nothing to provide for your own children? If this guy doesn't give a f*** about doing for his own children then he's telling you that he has NOTHING FOR YOU. I hope you're not counting a hard c***. You're a woman that can find that anywhere. He's not going to get laid so easily as a broke guy with a bullshit sob story.

    Wow 42? That's just so bad. Sounds like his mid life crisis in upon him. Could be why his wife divorced him.

    Ok let me think positively now:

    If he's a dreamer that's fine but there are many dreamers that still take care of today's needs. I mean he doesn't have a job at all? Nothing? How does he pay his rent? Car? Bills? How about tuition for his child?

    So it's time for his child to be able to reach their dreams but dad is telling them to wait because at 42 he feels he needs to fulfill some of his own first? SELFISH!

    Sorry i was trying be positive and feel being supportive is great. But his children need HIS support and he's really not doing right by them.

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  33. #22
    Featured Member JoJoX's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    ^^^^ room mates?? oh hell no!! i missed the part where it said he had room mates...in that case, what in the hell are you thinking girl??

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    Featured Member JoJoX's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    Quote Originally Posted by Pure View Post
    ....He's 42, has 2 kids, 1 is in college lives with roomates, is currently seeking employment, and has 0 money saved..... a lifestyle in which I'm not comfortable...Sigh.....
    you said it yourself! im hoping by quoting you will help you out a litttle...

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    God/dess cherryblossomsinspring's Avatar
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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    I'm waiting for updates to this story.

    Oh and if someone brings up "economy" again seriously that hasn't stopped men from getting laid. They just have to be more resourceful.
    Yes he will listen to you more, even though he's probably running plays for the last football game in his head.
    He's warm and he'll sit through some boring ass movie. Why not ? It's not like he's going to splurge on a great dinner with movies out the home?
    He's a great cook right? Of course he is, this ensures a bed is close by so he can get laid with marinara still on his breath.

    Am I warm?

    If you end up giving him any money from what you do in this industry, he''ll upgrade from dreaming broke to stealing pimp.

    Find out why his wife dropped him. And also find out how he's been surviving up to this point.

    If you really want to test him. Try boring his ass with cuddling for a long as while. See how sweet he is then. Aww I'm too tired from WORKING. How about we cuddle? lol Don't be surprised if he sours fast.

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    Default Re: In love but he's broke...

    Quote Originally Posted by The Other Owner View Post
    Starting a business involves working impossibly long hours, living without a salary for six months to a year or more and on top of all that, going into debt.
    Amen. It took me 6 months before I even had revenue and an additional 4 months after before my inflows could fully cover my business and personal expenses.

    And even TOO's estimate is optimistic in that it assumes that your BF is trying to sell something that other people want to buy. The vast majority of startup businesses fail, in large part due to rosey assumptions about how much demand there is for the product or service being offered.

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