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Thread: "Only if she wasnt a stripper"

  1. #1
    God/dess Kisca's Avatar
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    Last edited by Kisca; 06-06-2012 at 11:19 PM.

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    Default Re: "Only if she wasnt a stripper"

    Quote Originally Posted by Kisca View Post
    My boyfriend and I known each other 3 months, we moved in together 2 weeks ago. My parents like him, his parents like me. His values and morals are to my liking. He does everything for me, gets me things I ask for, set up the whole place, etc. Anyway we have been seeing each other 2-4 days a week since we moved in together. I was looking for a place of my own, and he suggested to help me out. FYI he has a good 9-5 job, and his own assets.

    Anyway, I like this guy a lot, we moved quick but he has never made me upset. Until now, his friends know i am a stripper, we met on an online site. He never disrespected my job, he didnt say anything postive or negative about it, but is pushing me towards school. Which I am In Sept and stripping alone makes me depressed.

    I do believe he does/will have something against stripping soon.. I was reading a text msg from him and a friend he said "Shes a great girl, I would have been dating her if she wasnt a stripper" This was only a month in, when he would talk about me over txts to people that didnt know me or my name, he refered to me as a "stripper". I dont feel like that is right.. This was about a month in, recently when I checked he wrote "girlfriend", but I am still holding onto the grude, I confronted him about the stripper referral and he said he meant no harm as they didnt know my RL name. Should I let this go, or will this turn out worse?
    Hey, haven't talked to you in a while!

    Anyway, if this guy is already having problems with you stripping then it could be a problem later. If you guys are living together and things are getting serious I would definitely address the issue now rather than later. Have an honest conversation with him and ask him if he has any problems with you stripping.

    If it's really eating at him it will just cause problems down the road. Communication is key here.
    If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.


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    Default Re: "Only if she wasnt a stripper"

    Unfortunately I have dated a few guys who claimed it didn't bother them but we broke up because of it. It stinks but yes many people do judge on this. One guy I dated was pressured to dump me because of his parents and the idea that being a stripper means being a bad wife. I don't agree of course but yes people do think of strippers lower than other girls.

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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Only if she wasnt a stripper"

    I feel like even referring to you as just "the stripper," a month in, is a disrespectful and disconnected attitude toward strippers and not seeing them as real people that sends up a huge red flag. If his friends didn't know your name but you were seeing each other and they were gonna find out anyway, he should have just said "Her name is ____." I feel like referring to someone as their job title if they've been around a little while is just rude. It's proper manners to say "I was hanging out with _____ last night - you know, the stripper from X Club," the first time around to establish reference, and from then on, use the person's NAME. If his friends keep saying "the stripper," he should be reminding them that you have a name. The fact that he would simplify you to your job, and be ok with his friends doing the same, tells me that that's all he sees you as as long as you continue to strip.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

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    Default Re: "Only if she wasnt a stripper"

    I am totally behind Aurora Sunset on this one. Very well said.

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    Veteran Member innes's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Only if she wasnt a stripper"

    Quote Originally Posted by Kisca View Post
    I do believe he does/will have something against stripping soon.. I was reading a text msg from him and a friend he said "Shes a great girl, I would have been dating her if she wasnt a stripper"
    I'm pretty sure this just means "I wish I could date her but I never could in a gazillion years, so I'll say something 'insulting' about her"
    InnesX

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    Default Re: "Only if she wasnt a stripper"

    I think there's a certain tone of novelty guys inflect on the "I'm dating a STRIPPER!" chat with their friends. My guess is that his friends knew he was on an online dating site and they got stories about the different women he met or talked to, so when he found out about your job, they probably did too. It doesn't mean it was told in a negative way, but many men see it as something "different" and really, guys are chattier than girls in the junior high lunchroom, so he probably couldn't resist telling. However, there's a difference between saying "My girlfriend Kisca is a stripper," and "I'm living with a stripper," or "The stripper and I are moving in together," etc.

    I agree with Aurora that him ever referring to you as 'the stripper' is disrespectful. I've closely known three men who have been with strippers: my first serious boyfriend (I wasn't a stripper when I was with him), my alcoholic almost-boyfriend who didn't know I was a stripper, and my current boyfriend. Let's discuss.

    The first serious boyfriend started seeing this girl after we dated. We were "friends" at that point, so he told me some about her and I looked at her MySpace. Thug as hell men were commenting on all her shit, she had hundreds of really suggestive photos mostly featuring her best assets, and many men would comment asking when she worked. 1, Homegirl's a stripper and I can tell. 2, Homegirl's probably banking. Both would be problems for my ex and I knew it, but it's not my business, so I didn't say anything. Couple of weeks later, she came clean to him. She told him she's not really just a bartender, but a topless bartender/stripper and she didn't tell him because she didn't want him to judge her prematurely. He flipped shit and told her she wasn't just a liar, but a slut too, etc. This girl had been paying for her own shit and giving him great weed free. She wasn't into him for his money, though he has nothing else going for him, but for being honest, she got treated like shit and is forever The Stripper (or The Slut) in his book.

    The almost-boyfriend got firmly closed in the "not going to happen" category when I jokingly talked about how I'd just be a poet/pole dancer and be deep and artistic M-W and shake that ass to pay my bills TH-S in order to judge his reaction to the idea of me being a stripper. He promptly launched into a story about how strippers are lame and he used to date one back in his hometown and he didn't care that his friends got lap dances from her, her name was Diamond on stage, and she was a great fuck and always bought him things. When he got drunk later, or drunker since he's never really sober, he kept badgering other guys about whether they had ever had sex with a stripper, because it's the best sex ever, etc. He only ever said her real name once, and every other time she came up, it was The Stripper. Whereas Guy One gave a girl that name as an insult to her, this guy wore it as a badge. Neither are any good.

    My current boyfriend found out I was a stripper a couple of weeks into us going out. I could tell he was developing some deeper feelings for me and he's a very nice guy, so I felt it was only fair to tell him, since it's a deal breaker for many. He took the news like a champ, minus almost rear-ending someone when we left where we were, and has displayed an adorable collage of mixed feelings from being turned on by the idea to being horrified by the safety issues since. He has told his two best friends about my job, but it wasn't in the introductory statement. They knew he was seeing a new girl and that he liked her a lot, and my job came up when one of the friends was telling a "funny" story about what happened to him at a SC the previous night. My boyfriend is a little sensitive about the issue ever since he found out about me and he quickly became defensive. Seeing as they've been best friends since they were children, he explained why he was so upset and the friend apologized. I'm still *insertrealnamehere* to them because that's how I was introduced and because when the friend insulted strippers as a whole, he was brought back down to earth by the feelings of someone he considers his brother. Hurting my boyfriend by stereotyping and insulting strippers made the stripper the friend was laughing about a very real person to him, and I think he was genuinely sorry for what he said.

    Anyway, I think those examples illustrate a few different ways guys deal with the "issue" of dating a stripper. Your guy fucked up in the first place by disrespecting you, but if he's living with you and seems to genuinely care, I think it's worth it to talk to him about semantics. Words, especially in a relationship, can hurt. If he continues to refer to you as a/the stripper, he's showing you what he thinks of you as, and you ought to pay attention. The question now shouldn't be whether you stripping will be a problem for him later, but whether him disrespecting your stripping will be a problem for you later.

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    Default Re: "Only if she wasnt a stripper"

    well,

    i'm a guy, and i'm going to be honest. we are dumb, and i mean dumb people. not a newsflash, i know.

    but (sometimes) it's not about disrespect. it's about efficiency. referring to someone as "a stripper" or "the brunette" or "that chick who made me cry" is simply an efficient way of referring to someone, because how else can you get across to your boys who you're talking about if they don't know her name? "the girl i'm seeing" may refer to multiple women, depending on the case, and frankly, that's a lot to type.

    for instance, i refer to this woman i work with (ironically since this is anything but efficient) via text: "the chick i work with who looks like zooey deschanel but not as hot but still too hot for me"

    this gives broz and d00dz a context from which to pull an identity. names don't often work. someone could tell me a chick they're dating/talkingto/flirtingwith/whatever's name but it won't stick with me at all. they've gotta give a more concrete basis for me to recall.

    this may sound insensitive, and it is, but that's just how a lot of guys' brains work. and when you became a larger part of his life, your reference became different because his friends now know you as someone else: "girlfriend".

    also, i'm confused at the original text in question and why you're upset with being called a stripper, and not being referred to as someone not good enough to date... which, coming back to my point about men being dumb, is insulting, but we don't mean it to be insulting.

    my BFFOMGWEHOMIEZLIKEWHAAA started hanging out with this chick years ago. always around. i generally am not the d00d he talks to about relationships, dating, sex, whatever (don't know why, just how we grew as friends).

    so i was like, "are you banging her?"
    and he was like "naw."
    and i was like "do you want to or something?"
    and he was like "naw."

    okay. now, she's not an attractive person (personality as well as looks--sorry if i sound shallow), and that's guy speech for saying so.

    fast forward a few months, and they talk and text and IM all the time, and she's always around. comes down from NY (she was here locally as an intern at his job) all the time to see him.

    so i'm like "what's up with you and xxxxxx"
    and he's like "you haven't figured it out yet?"
    and i just roll my eyes.

    to this day, if someone asks him about her, he'll say "she's not attractive [physically]" and he means it. but he loves her to death for some reason. and when i refer to her unattractiveness, i mean this about her as a person, not just toward her looks. she is awful. a NYG fan, doesn't like to walk the dogs, and she cheated on him? dealbreakers.

    anyway, the point is: guys may love you to death, may think you're good enough for them, may think you're too good for them, whatever, but they have to--HAVE TO--seem more aloof when it comes to the homiez. we just like to pretend we're dating keepers or something all the time and are better than the other d00dz around. now, the fact that he said you were great, i'd focus on that more than "i'd date her if she wasn't a stripper" bit. because deep down, we know we're all idiots and don't deserve women.

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    Veteran Member sweetsam's Avatar
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    Default Re: "Only if she wasnt a stripper"

    Eh I think you should move on. But if you really want to save the relationship then just put in the effort, or live separately and do date nights instead. I find it funny that you found a text your story is sort of similar to mine of my last ex. I was with him two years, we just broke up recently but I had read an email he had sent to his friend when we first started dating, about how he just wanted to "hook up" with me because I was a cam model...rofl. Funny how the "hook up" turned into a 2 year relationship. I am sure his friends are like wtf? Considering he didn't speak highly of me in the beginning. Although I was unaware of that.

    Anyways, if your relationship is anything like mine was, which it really does sound identical. I would move on.

    Every time you guys get into an argument, he will probably throw around the "stripper" card.
    I think it's a cheap shot. Why deal with that. Be with someone who respects you, regardless of what you do to make an income. If he can't respect you, then you shouldn't give him any respect either.




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    Default Re: "Only if she wasnt a stripper"

    If a guy has a problem with your job/career/profession and thinks that this makes him better than you then this seems very unhealthy.

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    Default Re: "Only if she wasnt a stripper"

    Some guys feel like it says more about them (makes them more special) if they are dating a stripper. Personally I hold that against a guy but that's just me and I would prefer a guy who didn't want me to strip. If a guy was content to date me (thinking LTR here) and have me continue to work as a stripper, I would come to the conclusion that there was something wrong with him and I would look for someone else.

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    Default Re: "Only if she wasnt a stripper"

    Quote Originally Posted by Kisca View Post
    My boyfriend and I known each other 3 months, we moved in together 2 weeks ago...
    The biggest red flag I see here is that you moved in with him only after three months of dating. You two barely know each other. Referring you to his friends as "the stripper" is just the tip of the iceberg. There will be a lot more challenges ahead.

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    Default Re: "Only if she wasnt a stripper"

    Quote Originally Posted by StripClubRegular View Post
    The biggest red flag I see here is that you moved in with him only after three months of dating. You two barely know each other. Referring you to his friends as "the stripper" is just the tip of the iceberg. There will be a lot more challenges ahead.
    This. I also don't get how you only see each other 2-4 days a week if you live together. Where are you the rest of that time? Confused.

    Also I don't think you should be snooping through his phone. Trust me, you are only going to find things you don't want to see. Does he know you do this?
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    Default Re: "Only if she wasnt a stripper"

    Quote Originally Posted by noelle View Post
    This. I also don't get how you only see each other 2-4 days a week if you live together. Where are you the rest of that time? Confused.

    Also I don't think you should be snooping through his phone. Trust me, you are only going to find things you don't want to see. Does he know you do this?
    That was my biggest issue. After 3 months, there is still so much to know about a person. I don't think I would have moved in with him just yet especially knowing how fickle guys can be about sex work. I've had a couple flip-flop on me when they were perfectly fine with it in the beginning and I ended up moving on. It would be awhile before I could trust someone enough to move in with him.

    And yeah going through the phone is never a good sign. That can only lead to disaster. I've never heard of a happy-ending after one partner goes snooping around. You will find something else you don't like that can lead to more problems. Even if it's innocent, he's bound to text something you won't like.

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    Default Re: "Only if she wasnt a stripper"

    I think 3 months of dating is too soon to move in.

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    Default Re: "Only if she wasnt a stripper"

    hmm... if guys or your boyfriend thinks stripping is taboo then generally your going to have problems.
    It takes a long time to get to know someone properly 3 months is not long at all. When i look back at my relationship I don't think I really fully knew him until 12 months went by, I learnt a lot in that time.
    Going through his phone is another problem here too... recipe for disaster .
    My advice is perhaps you should have kept dating him for a lot longer before the "move in" took place. You both don't really know each other yet.... Maybe take a step back.
    Good luck babe
    I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

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