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Thread: Here we go again...

  1. #1
    Veteran Member Farrah_Golden's Avatar
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    Default Here we go again...

    First off, I've been posting too frequently in this section, so sorry. But that's just how my life works anyway; I go through difficult periods in which everything seems to go wrong all at once before the shit storm clears up. I'll try to keep this short.

    I'm going through a change in life when I question everything and everyone I've surrounded myself with. When I came back to my home town, (I've only been gone for 6 months) almost everyone has told me they barely recognized me and that both my body and personality have really, really changed....which is true. I've reinvented myself many times before, but this time, I feel like I've gone through such a huge change that I've abandoned everyone I used to keep close to me. I no longer relate to hardly any of my friends and I'm realizing most of my relationships were very toxic. A true test of this was confessing to everyone that I'm a dancer. For example, I visited the restaurant I used to work for and said hi to some old coworkers...who all gave me the evil eye and then whispered about strippers as I was walking away. Which is fine; I realize I worked in a very conservative environment and that I was never close to most of them anyway.

    The point is, I've gone through such a drastic transformation, yet I've built my life around my family, friends and past occupation....all of which I no longer relate to, at all. And now I'm going through that depressing isolation as I form new relationships, new hobbies, etc. It's like I'm completely rebuilding me and it takes time, but meanwhile, it's difficult. Has anyone experienced something similar?
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    Farrah rocks your world, biatch!

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Here we go again...

    I'm kind of in the process of it now. I've never been able to fully relate to many people well, but after a very painful relationship in which my ex succumbed to addiction, I coped by filling my time with any people who were around enough to be called friends. However, it got to the point where when I was hanging out with those people, I felt stressed. I was bored and couldn't stop thinking about all of the awful things they said and did and constantly felt like time spent with them was wasted. I distanced myself from most of them easily enough and confessed my feelings to one of my closest female friends. She suggested similar feelings at the time, but lately, she's become like the others. It probably sounds judgmental of me, but even though I'm 21, I just can't get into the party lifestyle. I think losing my father to a terminal illness at a young age made me very aware of mortality early on, so when I spend night after night with the same people who are drinking the same shit and telling the same stories, I can practically feel myself inching closer to the casket. Thankfully, I've had a very busy semester at college, some weekends of dancing, and a new relationship that has so far been a very positive experience to help me recenter my life.

    If I recall correctly from some of your other posts, you have a husband and daughter, right? I'm hoping you don't also mean you're growing apart from the two of them, because that seems like it would be even more distressing than becoming distant from your parents or siblings. I'm kind of wondering why you moved back to your hometown, since the comparisons and friction between your past and present selves are inevitable. Regardless, you're there now, so my suggestion is that you embrace the experience. Judging from other posts, you seem like a strong individual, which isn't usually easy. There's a quote from either Nietzsche or Kipling (there's debate over which, I'm not just too lazy to google it...) about the individual versus tribe mentality and how if you choose to "own yourself," you will often be lonely and a bit scared, but that there's no price too high to pay for the privilege. I second that notion. Also, people who "evolve" the most throughout their lives often report periods of extreme negativity through which they grew. It's the "if it doesn't kill you..." mentality, I guess, which is also a Nietzsche aphorism--just saying. Maybe I'm just a bitch, but really, so few people are worth much, least of all your time or worry. I'm not saying become cruel or pessimistic. On the contrary, I think forgiving people for their simpleness is the best route. Only then can you continue in your nontraditional life (and I don't just mean stripping, but the reflective sort of life) without giving your time and emotions to people who do not deserve your notice of what they're whispering. Keep shedding your old skin, along with the negativity that clings to it.

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    Veteran Member Artema's Avatar
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    Default Re: Here we go again...

    Quote Originally Posted by Farrah_Golden View Post
    I've reinvented myself many times before, but this time, I feel like I've gone through such a huge change that I've abandoned everyone I used to keep close to me. I no longer relate to hardly any of my friends and I'm realizing most of my relationships were very toxic. A true test of this was confessing to everyone that I'm a dancer.
    Yes. I'm experiencing this right now. Especially the "transformation" and "no longer feeling like I relate to anyone". A lot of my friendships I made in the past were fake. We just hung out and went to parties together. When it came to serious issues, no one supported me. I came to figure out a lot of relationships I had when I was younger was like this. I am still struggling with the fact to move on and find true, supportive relationships. People change and grow apart. But I still see some of my friends that I knew in the past. It's very courageous of you to be who you really are and likewise find people that you really relate to.

    I am sorry to hear your old coworkers were so close-minded and judgmental. True friends are supposed to stand by you and support your decisions. If they don't accept you as a dancer, then that just shows what kind of friends/people they were.

    I am currently struggling with my identity and yearn to find others that accept me. Surprisingly though, I have told a couple friends I am a dancer and they accept it. Not that they are totally supportive and that they can TOTALLY relate to me, but that they accept me...and okay. To me, these friends are more like acquaintances. However, I am still looking for the few people that really get me. As a dancer, it may be a little harder...

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    Veteran Member Farrah_Golden's Avatar
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    Default Re: Here we go again...

    Thank you both; it's good to know I'm not entirely alone in this and also, it means an incredible amount to hear that the transformation I'm going through is a step in a better direction.

    Tuesdaymarie, I consider myself very fortunate to have my husband to support me; in all honesty, I often feel like he's the only real friend I have. Even if we have our fair share of conflict, and of course we do, I DON'T feel like he humiliates me beyond repair, or hides his true feelings from me. We yell, kick, scream, scratch and fight, (figuratively) but it's with the respect of doing it behind closed doors and all ill feelings are successfully put out into the atmosphere and are then resolved. Yes, he is one of the positive people in my life. I do go through a bit of a struggle with my daughter, but only in the sense that I'm possibly very critical of my own parenting skills and will always strive to improve my relationship with her. But all in all, she still keeps her little place on top of my "most important person in the universe, period." pedestal.

    I actually didn't move back to my home town; I came back for the holidays and was looking forward to a joyous reunion with old friends; needless to say, I was disappointed. I do feel like it's been a healthy experience though, because I'm now 100% sure of my decision to move away and start fresh. It's also done wonders for weeding out the people I really shouldn't bother stressing over. That's the beauty of friends; unlike family, they're the people you CHOOSE to have in your life and can therefore choose to remove them from such.

    I also recognize this as my own weakness and need to be "liked." I have a very large ego and I'm perfectly aware of it. I expected a warm welcome, to be missed while I was gone, etc and returned to the harsh slap in the face that the "friends" I've had, never really liked me as much as I liked them. Chalk it up to insecurity; yes, I'm human, and when people have a low opinion of me, it hurts my feelings. Despite being a very confident woman, (in fact, too confident at times) I do thrive heavily off of the positive opinions and uplifts from others, which is something I'm working on. I feel like once I eat a big slice of humble pie and then work on some of my own issues, I'll stop falling into the vicious trap of forming fake relationships.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    Farrah rocks your world, biatch!

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    Veteran Member Artema's Avatar
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    Default Re: Here we go again...

    Quote Originally Posted by Farrah_Golden View Post
    Even if we have our fair share of conflict, and of course we do, I DON'T feel like he humiliates me beyond repair, or hides his true feelings from me. We yell, kick, scream, scratch and fight, (figuratively) but it's with the respect of doing it behind closed doors and all ill feelings are successfully put out into the atmosphere and are then resolved.
    I feel if everyone did this, we'd all have deeper more meaningful relationships. I notice some people hide behind a mask and are afraid to tell it like it is. It's a shame because I think there would be greater understanding between others. You are fortunate to have a husband that doesn't hide his feelings. That's the number one culprit behind my past breakup and my relationship with my father. It's also the reason most of my relationships with friends have been shallow.



    Future luck to you and your adjustments in your recent move.

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    Default Re: Here we go again...

    I also feel this way. I've felt this way since I graduated college. All my friends are already launching into "adulthood" with mega-marketing corporate jobs and babies and weddings and all that, OR they're still in school and partying it up every weekend at frats.... I mean, is there no middle ground? lol

    I didn't have that many good friends to begin with. And then I decided that I didn't really want to put forth effort to keep pretending to be friends with people that I just obviously didn't relate to anymore/ever. Which pretty much eliminated at least half the people I hung out with. Which also eliminated the people I hung out with through those people. And every once in awhile, I get really wistful about the friendships from high school that fell apart in college, and I want to contact them, but I have to remind myself why we're not friends anymore in the first place - and not only that, but they would probably be shocked to find out about my life now (and who's to say I wouldn't be surprised by their changes either). So, nowadays, I'm pretty much down to 2 friends 300+ miles away, my bf, and my local best friend who has been starting to piss me off on a regular basis as well.

    I completely feel you with the having a big ego thing, and expecting people to really miss you and like you, and then being really upset when you realize they don't. I'm trying to get over that too. It's actually a pleasant surprise when I expect that people don't like me, and then I find out they do haha

    It's sad cuz you feel so antisocial rejecting people from your life, but at the same time, it's the smart and mature thing to do if you know they'll just bring you down and keep you stagnant when you need to change. And you wonder if you'll ever fit in anywhere again...
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.






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    Veteran Member Farrah_Golden's Avatar
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    Default Re: Here we go again...

    I'll tell you one thing.....I don't think I'm ever going to make new friends that aren't "in the industry." I've known my best friend since I was 8 and she supported my choice to start dancing AND take it seriously, so she earned a lot of deep, deep respect. The rest, however, were either made uncomfortable by it or just stopped talking to me. So, I'm starting to feel like finding real, quality friendships outside of the industry is not very likely.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    Farrah rocks your world, biatch!

  13. #8
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    Default Re: Here we go again...

    In order to form a meaningful friendship with someone, you have to have something in common with that person. I will no say that you being a stripper will necessarily be an issue unless the person you are trying to befriend harbors intolerant philosophy. However, if you are trying to reach out to non-strippers, you have to have something out side of stripping world that you can use to form a common bond.

    For example, do you enjoy charity works? If so you can hang out with men and women who are into philanthropy. They are not going to exclude you just because you are a stripper.

  14. #9
    Senior Member Gracefulways's Avatar
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    Default Re: Here we go again...

    As we get older we don't loose friends... We just realise who the real ones are!
    I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

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