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Thread: Friends with Ex worth it?

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    Veteran Member Artema's Avatar
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    Dizzy Friends with Ex worth it?

    I have an ex (my first boyfriend) that I dated 5 years ago. The relationship lasted for about 2 years. Before that, we were best of friends. When the relationship started going downhill we broke up. Well, he broke up with me - the second time. It finally ended but we both were not ready to move on. We slept together on and off. He basically strung me along until I had enough. Very quickly after that, he went out with an ex-girlfriend of a friend (call him "T") in our "friend circle". Things between my ex and T went sour obliviously.

    Anyway, I am now dating T (T and I were friends w benefits at first). We've been dating for a little over a year so it's pretty serious. However my ex and the girlfriend recently broke up. I heard about it and decided it would be a good time to contact him and regain his friendship (he stopped contacting me when he was with her). All I want is friendship. He was so fun when we were friends...

    I called him up and we agreed to have dinner together. My bf "T" wasn't thrilled but he respected me being honest and open with him about it. My ex and I had a blast. He was very nice and even a little nervous (totally different when we were just friends w benefits). I felt the tables turn a little bit and he seemed like he was trying to impress me... Afterwards he texted me that he was happy to see me again.

    Skip to now and I'm on IM trying to decide whether to say hi or not. I honestly miss talking to him. He has been quiet since that time we went out. So I wonder what is going through his mind...???

    Anyone ever had a similar experience? ... where you feel you are the only one wanting to contact and regain a friendship?

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    Default Re: Friends with Ex worth it?

    Being friends with an ex is hard. I am in contact with two of my exes but both cases were relatively drama free breakups and both are now married. We don't chat all the time but both are Facebook Friends and I like them.

    I will say though that sometimes friendship is not possible. Maybe it's my personal experience but two exboyfriends started as platonic friends but both ended up dumping me and not only did I lose the romance I lost the friendships as well. Both were also short term relationships that took a long time to get over, far longer than the relationship.

    I would contact him but then leave it to him. He may not want any contact with you.

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    God/dess anouk.oui's Avatar
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    Default Re: Friends with Ex worth it?

    depends on a lot i guess. i used to be best friends with an ex a year or so after we broke up but by then i realised i was no way attracted to him and he well, decided to turn gay so we got along great and obviously there was never a tension to sleep with each other again and our relationship wasnt long or eventful anyway so it worked out for us [until he called me a whore when i first told him im starting dancing].

    my other exes though i couldnt. theres always a weird tension to either outdo one another with the things and people theyve done since the relationship and try to come out on top or be tempted to date or sleep together again.

    considering you had a longer relationship and the friend thing didnt work out for you after coz of the stringing along for sex, id probably wait until you are absolutely secure in being just friends. but like i said only worked for me once
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    Featured Member JoJoX's Avatar
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    Default Re: Friends with Ex worth it?

    you guys are gonna end up dating again.

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    Veteran Member Farrah_Golden's Avatar
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    Default Re: Friends with Ex worth it?

    Quote Originally Posted by anouk.oui View Post
    depends on a lot i guess. i used to be best friends with an ex a year or so after we broke up but by then i realised i was no way attracted to him and he well, decided to turn gay
    Dude....my ex, whom I dated for 5 years, also turned out to be gay
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    Veteran Member Farrah_Golden's Avatar
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    Default Re: Friends with Ex worth it?

    I would say that not only do I not believe in maintaining friendships with exes, I've also given up on having platonic male friends, period.

    First off, I tried to retouch with some old flames at separate incidents in my life. Let me just say that during each of these incidents, I was lonely, insecure and looking for a pat on the back...and maybe a good dicking. Both were bad, bad medicine, believe me.

    The thing about exes is, at best, you still feel like they somehow "belong" to you. Perhaps your breakup went smoothly and you simply agreed to part ways. Well, that's a recipe for romance when you retouch with this person, because chances are, you still feel very intimate feelings for them. What I found during this situation was a severe temptation to start dating my ex again and abandon all of the progress I'd made in my own adult life; basically, I completely forgot about all of the bullshit he put me through that made it end in the first place. Although we were both mature about our breakup, we never really had that "hate battle" that served as a good, brick wall preventing the two of us from ever getting back together again.

    Second was much, much uglier. He was my platonic friend, I was having issues with my husband and he was there to comfort me. We never had sex together, due to my own hesitation, but we did have a short lived romantic fling. When I DID tell him I wanted to devote myself to my marriage, he didn't really seem to think twice about telling me he never had any interest in me whatsoever, and that he only wanted to get into my pants. It was a complicated situation. I was gonna give him some married booty, (big mistake) but we had a miscommunication. (Thank GOD!) Now, every time I see him, I have to satisfy my own selfish need to be wanted by convincing him I'm a fucking Goddess and he missed out; I've been desperately trying to become his platonic friend again, because I just couldn't face the shame of rejection. Yeah, someone slipped a batch of crazy into my morning latte.

    As for not having male friends at all, well........it really does prove true that they all kind of want the same thing. But these are just my experiences that have made me all the wiser; I can't say whether your results would be the same.
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    Veteran Member Artema's Avatar
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    Default Re: Friends with Ex worth it?

    ^Having a male platonic friend, is I guess similar to having an ex has a friend. I believe men and women can be somewhat friends but it seems almost certain the guy will have sexual feelings (whether or not he admits it). If he or she is not attracted to their opposite-sex friend, it's much easier to be platonic. I mean, I find myself to be moderately attractive so it's hard to have a guy as just a friend....that's how my ex became my boyfriend. I used to have a lot of guy friends but they taper off once I get into a relationship or they get into one. How shallow is that?

    Quote Originally Posted by Farrah_Golden View Post
    Dude....my ex, whom I dated for 5 years, also turned out to be gay
    Haha I do wonder if he is gay... I mean, he does wear tight pants and shirts (European style), his best friend is a lesbian and he rooms with a gay man. Hmmm

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    Default Re: Friends with Ex worth it?

    Once you've dated a friend, it's almost impossible to go back to just being friends. Like Farrah said, you'll always feel a little bit like they "belong" to you. You'll always have that romantic history. And what is romance if not friendship with more physical intimacy thrown in? So if you're still attracted to each other at all, a friendship is not going to want to stay a friendship for long.

    Think about why you really want to be friends with him that badly. This guy dumped you... twice. Then strung you along in a booty-call situation until you finally cut it off. Now, he's basically ignoring your reaching out to reconnect as friends. Why do you want to be friends so badly with a guy who can't be bothered to treat you as a friend?

    I say this from experience, because this is exactly what I was like with my ex. I really wanted to still be legitimate friends, but he would wring me through a cycle of wanting to talk to me all the time, seeming interested in my life, then we'd finally hook up, and then he'd go silent until a few months later when he wanted to sleep with me again. And I would get so mad that I was trying to be friends that could actually talk and hang out with each other even without sex involved, and he couldn't manage to do that. I eventually thought, why do I want to be friends with him so badly? He broke up with me, keeps me in his back pocket as a fuck-buddy, pretends to be friendly and into me, and then just ignores me for long stretches of time. That's not a friend. That's not even remotely how you treat a friend - and I finally had to come to terms with the fact that deep-down, under the intense feeling of wanting to be "friends" I wasn't truly over him. I still craved attention from him. If you just want to be someone's friend, you don't crave such attention from them, and you generally give up on friends who don't act like friends and don't act interested in friendship. If all you really want with your ex is friendship, then it should be no different.

    I say stop contacting him. If he's interested in anything, it's probably not something as innocent as friendship if he can't be bothered to respond to your efforts. And if his unresponsiveness is making you mental enough to want to keep pushing even though he clearly has no interest in friendship, then you might not be as over him as you think either. Either way, it sounds like you two will always have unresolved issues from taking the friendship to the next level, and will not be able to take your relationship back to the same platonic state. It's generally what happens when friends decide to date.
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    Veteran Member Artema's Avatar
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    Default Re: Friends with Ex worth it?

    I came to the conclusion that guys who don't want to be platonic friends aren't worth the effort. A past boyfriend who used to be a good friend, is especially painful. If their only interest is to fuck you, it shows how much of a dick they were (no pun intended) *haha

    Aurora, thank you. You pin-pointed exactly how I feel.

    I admit I'm not truly over how he treated me after we broke up and how he had changed (negatively) over the years. He used to be a very sweet guy but turned into someone I can't relate to anymore. He's a liar, a coward and a manipulator.

    You're right, I still do crave attention from him --- I wish he would come to terms with how he had used me, and just apologize for it. When we broke up I apologized for what I did in the relationship and wished it ended better. When I prompted him about an apology before, he basically said it wasn't necessary because it was old news. I thought he would make an apology when we met up. He didn't mention anything.

    I need to realize that he may never feel sorry. It sucks how I wanted to believe he was a good person in my eyes. He's my first boyfriend after all and I thought that person would have a special place in my heart. It sucks knowing I'd have to forget someone like that.

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    Veteran Member Artema's Avatar
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    Default Re: Friends with Ex worth it?

    As far as contacting him, I decided I would write him a letter. With no interest in initiating a response. I'll see how that goes...

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    Default Re: Friends with Ex worth it?

    Quote Originally Posted by Artema View Post
    ^Having a male platonic friend, is I guess similar to having an ex has a friend. I believe men and women can be somewhat friends but it seems almost certain the guy will have sexual feelings (whether or not he admits it). If he or she is not attracted to their opposite-sex friend, it's much easier to be platonic. I mean, I find myself to be moderately attractive so it's hard to have a guy as just a friend....that's how my ex became my boyfriend. I used to have a lot of guy friends but they taper off once I get into a relationship or they get into one. How shallow is that?
    This has been my experience also, unfortunately.

    Also I really feel like one is better off if he just fades out of your life for good because if not you are opening yourself up for a whole world of hurt. I speak from experience and won't ever let that happen to me again. For me, it just doesn't work.


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    Default Re: Friends with Ex worth it?

    Quote Originally Posted by Artema View Post
    ^Having a male platonic friend, is I guess similar to having an ex has a friend. I believe men and women can be somewhat friends but it seems almost certain the guy will have sexual feelings (whether or not he admits it). If he or she is not attracted to their opposite-sex friend, it's much easier to be platonic. I mean, I find myself to be moderately attractive so it's hard to have a guy as just a friend....that's how my ex became my boyfriend. I used to have a lot of guy friends but they taper off once I get into a relationship or they get into one. How shallow is that?



    Haha I do wonder if he is gay... I mean, he does wear tight pants and shirts (European style), his best friend is a lesbian and he rooms with a gay man. Hmmm

    Yeah, it's really hard being hot sometimes. Especially a hot stripper.
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    Senior Member Gracefulways's Avatar
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    Default Re: Friends with Ex worth it?

    Maybe just stick with "T"... I can see spending time with your Ex is going to start problems with "T". I understand you miss him but in this situation it probably best to let it be. Just concentrate on your Man T, he sounds like he loves you very much.
    I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

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    Default Re: Friends with Ex worth it?

    If you do write a letter, wait 24 hours at LEAST and re-read it before you send it, if you have to send it at all. Often the act of writing your feelings down will put things in perspective for you. I think you should seriously ask yourself what you want out of this relationship you're trying to have with your ex. I'm not sure how fair it is to your current boyfriend... Have you thought of how you'd feel if your roles were switched?
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    Veteran Member Artema's Avatar
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    Default Re: Friends with Ex worth it?

    Email has been sent!

    Thank you noelle and graceful. Yeah I need to focus on my current man. He does not like my ex at all since he betrayed him before. So this situation may get worse if my guy knew I wanted to be friends again with x so badly. I'm honestly not a jealous person so it's hard to think of how my man feels. I trust him and wouldn't have any problem if he still talks to his x. That is, if I knew her and he tells me the situation beforehand.

    I don't think my x is that interested in being friends anyway. He hasn't tried to contact me since I asked him to hang out. Does this mean he has an ulterior motive or trying to use me again? Or maybe he's afraid and treading carefully since I'm in a relationship with T... ?

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    Default Re: Friends with Ex worth it?

    He called.... so I guess I answered my own question. I told him in the email that I was sad we would not be able to be friends because his ignorance. Basically it's no use to want to be friends with anyone who's unable to admit their faults and apologize (I did expect this when we met up). Anyways instead of replying to my email, he wanted to talk over the phone. He admitted to how he treated me when we broke up and was sorry for it. I told him I appreciated his apologies and that we can continue a friendship. He has yet to be on (back to) good terms with my boyfriend though.

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