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Thread: Advice needed! Re: Mother

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    Veteran Member astarisborn's Avatar
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    Dizzy Advice needed! Re: Mother

    Hi ladies,
    I don't know what to do. I am essentially a child of a single mother since I have no relationship with my father due to difficult circumstances. My mother remarried multiple times after divorcing my father when I was very young and moved me across the country each time she did so.

    My problem, to try to put it simply, is that she has been the only constant in my life ... there have been very difficult times but SHE has always been someone present, if not emotionally accessible. (She herself had an extremely bad and twisted upbringing).

    I really don't trust anyone with my struggles but I made the mistake of having too much wine earlier this year and telling my mom that I had an abortion last year and how horrible it was, how much it depressed me ... I also finally confessed to her that my own father (who she forced me to have visitation with against my will) and my 1st stepfather sexually abused me. These were things I have held in completely, confessed to no one, dealt with on my own for quite some time. I told her because she is my MOTHER and I TRUSTED her.

    We had someone come visit us from out of the country last month who used to be my good friend. She eventually confessed to me that my mother had told her about my abortion, about being molested, and had also made up extraneous stories regarding my current boyfriend and my relationship. I know, without going into details, that she has also told her current "fiance" about all of this despite her protests.

    When I found out my mother had betrayed my ultimate trust in her, I felt like something in my heart died. She and I have a tumultuous relationship, but I always knew she cared for me especially deeply out of her three children, although there have been hints of jealousy and weird behavior since I hit puberty. For her to be relaying my most painful, emotional, SECRET memories to those that I never intended it for (for her own personaly gain ... to get sympathy about how hard her life is) was completely devastating. I wonder if I have ever confided in her truly or if everything I have ever had the courage to tell her is public knowledge.

    I just feel heartbroken. That was the day after Thanksgiving and since then, I have not spoken to her save for perfunctory texts about Xmas plans. I have not mentioned to her at all that I know she hasn't kept my confidence. She probably thinks all of this is due to something very shallow.

    I had to see her a few days ago to give her $$ for my part of the cell phone bill and it broke my heart because when she saw me, her face lit up ... she looked so genuinely happy. In just a split second, her face changed when I didn't smile back ... that small gesture, making her sad in just an instant, really stuck in my mind. I feel so guilty and mean ... but I have no idea how to proceed. I am SO angry but mostly SO SO hurt at her ... I have no trust left in her because who knows what else she has blabbed to people that I trusted in her? Ugh please someone give me advice how to continue. I have no family, she moved me away from everyone I'm related to when I was young, so I feel like if I lose her I will be essentially an orphan.

    Any advice ... would be greatly appreciated ... confronting her would only out my friend and she would go on defensive ...

    Thanks ladies.

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    Veteran Member astarisborn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice needed! Re: Mother

    Please

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    God/dess BlkSharpie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice needed! Re: Mother

    I suggest you talk to her... You are deciding why she told the friend, and while you should be angry, at least be angry over what her reason actually is, and not what you assume it to be.

    What you describe about your relationship with your mother is something I can relate to, with my own daughter, in that I am the one constant in her life, and we trust each other. I had a pretty crappy childhood and a bum time of it being a single mom, but I hate being a "victim" and would rather bust my ass and pretend everything is fantastic than to have people pity me...so thats something I really cant relate to as a mom in that situation.

    I do know that there is no way I would be able to betray my daughter, and I would never purposely hurt her. Not to say there arent moms like that....thats what I grew up with. But if kiddo was ever upset with me about something, at least letting me know why shes upset and giving me the chance to talk to her is something I would appreciate. Ive been on the flip of that myslf here, where Ive tried to talk to my mother and she denied everything, but one thing I can say is that I tried, I made an effort and though her reasons for anything was not good enough for me to forgive her, she is at least fully aware of where I stand and how I feel about what she did.

    I think Im kind of all over the place with my reply...but I hope it helps....
    Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink!

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    Default Re: Advice needed! Re: Mother

    Well any response helps me at this point, even if you dont think your experience is valid or pertains to what I said .... thank you for taking the time to read and respond ... I have only one close girlfriend left and she thought I should talk it all out with my mom which was not my first instinct ... so any REAL people advice is what I am looking for right now ...

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    God/dess BlkSharpie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice needed! Re: Mother

    I am a real person. And I didnt say I dont think what I experienced is not valid, I definitely do think so...life experiences and how we feel about them are always valid, and theres always something to learn from another even if its not exactly the same scenario.

    I talked to my mother about her betrayal to me and my suggestion was for you to talk to your mother as well.

    Anyway, hope a reply you feel is more beneficial to you comes along.

    ETA: if your instinct is to keep your anger to yourself and be cold towards her knowing she has no idea what brought it on, and that is how you prefer to handle the situation, then do that. Both your friend and a not real person have suggested otherwise. You shouldnt have to hear someone say dont talk to your mother to validate a decision you've already made. Do whatever you think is best.
    Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink!

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    Default Re: Advice needed! Re: Mother

    Although I don't doubt that what she did was incredibly hurtful, I don't think she had cruel intentions.

    I am the mother of a young daughter, and as such, I can put myself in the position of your mother. If my daughter made such confessions, I don't know how I would react....of course I would comfort her. Surely, I would feel an unspeakable amount of pain for her; my heart would break because my daughter's heart had been broken. But it would hit me hard, like a speeding train.......knowing that *I* subjected her to men who had violated her body and her trust would place an incredibly large weight on my shoulders; I don't doubt that the powerful guilt would drive me to self destruction. Furthermore, if she ever makes the decision to have an abortion, I will support her......but you said you revealed this to your mom spontaneously; would you just take a moment to consider how that made her feel? I'm NOT saying you were wrong for hiding it, at all. That's none of my business. But for the sake of being hypothetical, I would be seriously disappointed if my own daughter wasn't entirely honest with me. Again, I would blame myself, but I'd be disappointed nonetheless. This is a really, really hard reality to lay on her all at once.

    Although VERY, VERY inconsiderate and beyond disrespectful, I kind of feel like she shared this confidential information because she, herself, needed to come to terms with it. You said the woman who visited you, used to be a good friend of yours. Perhaps your mother thought you were on a path of self destruction and sought out advice from someone who knows you differently than she. I'm not surprised at all that she shared it with her spouse; again, parents grieve with their children and they need to let that grief out, somehow.

    I understand you're angry and I feel like you have every right to be. I could also be completely dead wrong about the whole situation, but I just wanted to give you another perspective. It's your decision to forgive her or see this as the final straw.

    Either way, you need to let this out. Be it in the effort to mend your relationship or tell her you're furious that she betrayed your trust, she needs to know how you feel.

    Don't feel guilty. You did nothing wrong and you shouldn't be ashamed of feeling angry/hurt.

    *hugs and love*
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

    Farrah rocks your world, biatch!

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    Default Re: Advice needed! Re: Mother

    It sounds like your mother has an issue with emotional dependence and maturity. I've dealt with my mother's serial monogamy since my father's death when I was six. He was her second marriage, and she was the type before the first to always have a boyfriend. She even dated guys in biker gangs... You know, the ones who make it clear that their bikes are held with higher value than their bitches. Actually, I had a long post written out a few weeks ago about my issues with my mother and not knowing how to deal with it sometimes, then just erased it because it felt too long and ridiculous.

    Unfortunately, it is very difficult to get one's mother to change, especially when the route of the issue stems from deeply twisted emotions that were probably first damaged in childhood, judging by what you said of her upbringing. It is likely that there are many factors contributing to why she betrayed you. One of them might be that she could not take the emotional weight of your confessions and, as she seems like someone who needs others to lean on, she reiterated your stories to others who know you so as to alleviate the "burden" on her a bit. That shouldn't be how it is--at all. I'm not trying to defend her betrayal. But when you are the daughter of someone who is so emotionally weak, you must eventually come to terms with the fact that you cannot rely on your mother.

    I've had to accept many hurtful things my mother had said and done. Getting angry, leaving, cutting ties, none of that really did any good. I always had this hope that if I came home, made coffee, and talked it out, we'd be the closest of close and she would support me in my times of need just like I do for her. I think I had this delusion because we always seemed like such "friends" when I was younger. She'd keep me home from school and lay out in the sun with me. She'd bring me to our computer room while she chatted with men. She told me all about her relationships for as long as I can remember. In reality, all of these things weren't us being friends. They were red flags of what our relationship was to become.

    Like you, I had some rather awful things happen to me that I wanted to share with my mother. Just last week I was drunkenly bawling that the one person I wanted to talk to about being assaulted is the one person who would twist it and turn it into something done to her, rather than me. She could not handle knowing the truth of much of my life, and I have to accept it and deal with it if I want any semblance of a relationship with her.

    If you choose to talk to your mother about what she has done, my bet is that it will make little difference either way. I do not think that it will change her mind or behavior. She will likely become defensive and angry, then in a short time, act as though the confrontation never occurred. Delusions and denial are the staples to this mindset. This isn't to say I don't recommend you confronting her, precisely. You might get some feelings off your chest, which would be good. I'm just saying that I don't think you ought to expect any reciprocated effort on her part.

    Unless she wants to get into therapy with you, the most you can do, in my opinion, is just accept that you care for her deeply, but that she is likely unable to care for you in the classical maternal sense that you desire. It's difficult to lack that, especially when the person who should be filling that need is still alive, but accepting it is the only way I've been able to maintain contact with my mother, who, I'm sorry to say, has not gotten any better with genuine conversations or time.

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    Veteran Member astarisborn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice needed! Re: Mother

    Quote Originally Posted by BlkSharpie View Post
    I suggest you talk to her... You are deciding why she told the friend, and while you should be angry, at least be angry over what her reason actually is, and not what you assume it to be.

    What you describe about your relationship with your mother is something I can relate to, with my own daughter, in that I am the one constant in her life, and we trust each other. I had a pretty crappy childhood and a bum time of it being a single mom, but I hate being a "victim" and would rather bust my ass and pretend everything is fantastic than to have people pity me...so thats something I really cant relate to as a mom in that situation.

    I do know that there is no way I would be able to betray my daughter, and I would never purposely hurt her. Not to say there arent moms like that....thats what I grew up with. But if kiddo was ever upset with me about something, at least letting me know why shes upset and giving me the chance to talk to her is something I would appreciate. Ive been on the flip of that myslf here, where Ive tried to talk to my mother and she denied everything, but one thing I can say is that I tried, I made an effort and though her reasons for anything was not good enough for me to forgive her, she is at least fully aware of where I stand and how I feel about what she did.

    I think Im kind of all over the place with my reply...but I hope it helps....
    So sorry for how I responded to you - it came out completely wrong. I really appreciate your time and advice.

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    Veteran Member astarisborn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Advice needed! Re: Mother

    Quote Originally Posted by tuesdaymarie View Post
    It sounds like your mother has an issue with emotional dependence and maturity. I've dealt with my mother's serial monogamy since my father's death when I was six. He was her second marriage, and she was the type before the first to always have a boyfriend. She even dated guys in biker gangs... You know, the ones who make it clear that their bikes are held with higher value than their bitches. Actually, I had a long post written out a few weeks ago about my issues with my mother and not knowing how to deal with it sometimes, then just erased it because it felt too long and ridiculous.

    Unfortunately, it is very difficult to get one's mother to change, especially when the route of the issue stems from deeply twisted emotions that were probably first damaged in childhood, judging by what you said of her upbringing. It is likely that there are many factors contributing to why she betrayed you. One of them might be that she could not take the emotional weight of your confessions and, as she seems like someone who needs others to lean on, she reiterated your stories to others who know you so as to alleviate the "burden" on her a bit. That shouldn't be how it is--at all. I'm not trying to defend her betrayal. But when you are the daughter of someone who is so emotionally weak, you must eventually come to terms with the fact that you cannot rely on your mother.

    I've had to accept many hurtful things my mother had said and done. Getting angry, leaving, cutting ties, none of that really did any good. I always had this hope that if I came home, made coffee, and talked it out, we'd be the closest of close and she would support me in my times of need just like I do for her. I think I had this delusion because we always seemed like such "friends" when I was younger. She'd keep me home from school and lay out in the sun with me. She'd bring me to our computer room while she chatted with men. She told me all about her relationships for as long as I can remember. In reality, all of these things weren't us being friends. They were red flags of what our relationship was to become.

    Like you, I had some rather awful things happen to me that I wanted to share with my mother. Just last week I was drunkenly bawling that the one person I wanted to talk to about being assaulted is the one person who would twist it and turn it into something done to her, rather than me. She could not handle knowing the truth of much of my life, and I have to accept it and deal with it if I want any semblance of a relationship with her.

    If you choose to talk to your mother about what she has done, my bet is that it will make little difference either way. I do not think that it will change her mind or behavior. She will likely become defensive and angry, then in a short time, act as though the confrontation never occurred. Delusions and denial are the staples to this mindset. This isn't to say I don't recommend you confronting her, precisely. You might get some feelings off your chest, which would be good. I'm just saying that I don't think you ought to expect any reciprocated effort on her part.

    Unless she wants to get into therapy with you, the most you can do, in my opinion, is just accept that you care for her deeply, but that she is likely unable to care for you in the classical maternal sense that you desire. It's difficult to lack that, especially when the person who should be filling that need is still alive, but accepting it is the only way I've been able to maintain contact with my mother, who, I'm sorry to say, has not gotten any better with genuine conversations or time.
    THIS sounds like you know my mother and wrote it. She is not normal compared to other moms and how your mother acted is EXACTLY how mine has been my entire life. The "friends" thing ... when I was 6 or 7 I distinctly remember comforting her over her 2nd divorce, literally cleaning up the dishes he'd thrown and telling her it would be okay. A year later, she is showing me guy's pictures and asking me dating advice. Not long after, she is having me read her romantic manuscripts she'd written aloud in the car as we drove (not age appropriate material) and having me make corrections. She has always said what close FRIENDS we've been, since I've been very small I remember that. And like you said, a series of relationships ... I lost count of how many men she's been engaged to, married to or drug in and out of our lives. Ugh ... your advice, in her case, I think is spot on. Other moms - yes, talking it out and giving her the benefit of the doubt and a chance to tell me why she would do that would work and make things better. I've had the suspicion, like you said, that talking it out with her will do no good and probably make things worse. It is extremely hard to come to grips with the fact that you can't be normal and close with the one person you really need and want in your life ... but I guess that's the reality of the situation. Thank you for understanding ... I hate that anyone else has a relationship like I do but it comforts me to know someone else has gone through it and understands.

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    Default Re: Advice needed! Re: Mother

    1. I just realized I misspelled "root." I am ashamed. Homonyms be damned.

    2. I'm sorry my description sounds right, though I'm glad I could help, even if it's letting you know you're not alone. The things you described are similar to my stories about my mother, and that's only the tip of the iceberg, so to speak, as I'm sure you could also say. I've tried to talk to my mother a few times and she gets angry and distant at first, but returns to her version of normalcy soon. Hopefully if you choose to talk to her about her betrayal, she may be a bit more receptive. Feel free to PM me to commiserate if you need a sympathetic ear.

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    Default Re: Advice needed! Re: Mother

    Quote Originally Posted by astarisborn View Post
    Hi ladies,
    I don't know what to do. I am essentially a child of a single mother since I have no relationship with my father due to difficult circumstances. My mother remarried multiple times after divorcing my father when I was very young and moved me across the country each time she did so.

    My problem, to try to put it simply, is that she has been the only constant in my life ... there have been very difficult times but SHE has always been someone present, if not emotionally accessible. (She herself had an extremely bad and twisted upbringing).

    I really don't trust anyone with my struggles but I made the mistake of having too much wine earlier this year and telling my mom that I had an abortion last year and how horrible it was, how much it depressed me ... I also finally confessed to her that my own father (who she forced me to have visitation with against my will) and my 1st stepfather sexually abused me. These were things I have held in completely, confessed to no one, dealt with on my own for quite some time. I told her because she is my MOTHER and I TRUSTED her.

    We had someone come visit us from out of the country last month who used to be my good friend. She eventually confessed to me that my mother had told her about my abortion, about being molested, and had also made up extraneous stories regarding my current boyfriend and my relationship. I know, without going into details, that she has also told her current "fiance" about all of this despite her protests.

    When I found out my mother had betrayed my ultimate trust in her, I felt like something in my heart died. She and I have a tumultuous relationship, but I always knew she cared for me especially deeply out of her three children, although there have been hints of jealousy and weird behavior since I hit puberty. For her to be relaying my most painful, emotional, SECRET memories to those that I never intended it for (for her own personaly gain ... to get sympathy about how hard her life is) was completely devastating. I wonder if I have ever confided in her truly or if everything I have ever had the courage to tell her is public knowledge.

    I just feel heartbroken. That was the day after Thanksgiving and since then, I have not spoken to her save for perfunctory texts about Xmas plans. I have not mentioned to her at all that I know she hasn't kept my confidence. She probably thinks all of this is due to something very shallow.

    I had to see her a few days ago to give her $$ for my part of the cell phone bill and it broke my heart because when she saw me, her face lit up ... she looked so genuinely happy. In just a split second, her face changed when I didn't smile back ... that small gesture, making her sad in just an instant, really stuck in my mind. I feel so guilty and mean ... but I have no idea how to proceed. I am SO angry but mostly SO SO hurt at her ... I have no trust left in her because who knows what else she has blabbed to people that I trusted in her? Ugh please someone give me advice how to continue. I have no family, she moved me away from everyone I'm related to when I was young, so I feel like if I lose her I will be essentially an orphan.

    Any advice ... would be greatly appreciated ... confronting her would only out my friend and she would go on defensive ...

    Thanks ladies.

    You need a big giant hug darling because these things you have been carrying on your own for so long weigh very heavy on our souls. You must be a very strong girl and i understand how you must feel so hurt.
    Whether you talk with your mother now or in the future, this will all have to come out one day and when that happens it is up to you. So Im not saying you have to go confront her now. Can you write your mother a letter? Don't give it to her just write her a letter with everything you want to say. Then everyday re read it and change things so that you can come up with an honest heart felt letter your mother can read without her feeling defensive. This may take a while for you to get it right but it can definitely help things seem clearer to you. You may then feel you want to give it to her, Your mother loves you very much and it may be time to really tell her how you feel so she understands...otherwise the hurt will manifest and turn into anger and push both of you even further away.
    keep us posted on how you go xx
    I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

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    Default Re: Advice needed! Re: Mother

    Quote Originally Posted by Gracefulways View Post
    You need a big giant hug darling because these things you have been carrying on your own for so long weigh very heavy on our souls. You must be a very strong girl and i understand how you must feel so hurt.
    Whether you talk with your mother now or in the future, this will all have to come out one day and when that happens it is up to you. So Im not saying you have to go confront her now. Can you write your mother a letter? Don't give it to her just write her a letter with everything you want to say. Then everyday re read it and change things so that you can come up with an honest heart felt letter your mother can read without her feeling defensive. This may take a while for you to get it right but it can definitely help things seem clearer to you. You may then feel you want to give it to her, Your mother loves you very much and it may be time to really tell her how you feel so she understands...otherwise the hurt will manifest and turn into anger and push both of you even further away.
    keep us posted on how you go xx
    thank you doll, that's a good idea.

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    Default Re: Advice needed! Re: Mother

    "But when you are the daughter of someone who is so emotionally weak, you must eventually come to terms with the fact that you cannot rely on your mother."

    TuesdayMarie, this just struck me as especially poignant. I can relate to both of you girls.
    "If I can't dance, I don't want to be part of your revolution." ~ Emma Goldman

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    Default Re: Advice needed! Re: Mother

    I think your mom has a personality disorder. My guess would be BPD (borderline personality disorder) but it may be a different one. I would look up some info on parents with personality disorders. You will read a loooooot of stories just like yours. I hope it helps. You cannot change her BUT you can choose to find other wise women to open up to instead of your mother. She has the maturity level of a preteen child. There is no valid reason for her to share what you told her with anyone save maybe a therapist. That isn't the kind of thing that should ever be repeated without permission.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Sad Re: Advice needed! Re: Mother

    I am a man and my mother did a similar thing to me many years ago. I realized over the course of 1 to 3 years that my parents were never emotionally on my side of any conflicts in my life. My mother seems to me a narcissistic bitch actually. I arrived at the realization that if she violated my confidence simply to be the center of attention as she told a story, I never really had a mother. I was deluded to believe she cared for me in any real way. I made her cry once in front of her sister. Her sister called me later and said that she had seen something she had never thought she would ever see...my mother cry. I waged war at my emotional bond with her. I was duped for the first 30 years of my life. I was mad as hell.

    She is in her 90's now and quite aware of things. My son was born on her birthday less than 20 years ago. She is still furious that he never spent a moment with him alone in his life. By God that was no accident! If protecting my son from her meant being ostracized from her so be it! I resent the years of suffering emotionally at her hand.

    Some kids falsely believe that their parents want the best for them when they really want other things for them. My mom values me being placed in front of the TV (her recent words to me) and therefore out of sight so she could get 'other' things done.

    My two wives both hated her for her lack of concern for my feelings.

    Maybe all I am doing is telling you I understand.

    B.

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