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Thread: Rant about BF

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    Veteran Member UwishUknewhy's Avatar
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    Default Rant about BF

    Sometimes I hate my bf.

    Its Christmas and I am alone right now because he decided it was absolutely necessary to go do band shit. I fucking hate that he is in this particular band. I hate that he is 29 and devotes so much of himself to his music. I fucking hate that he is there right now and not with me.

    I masturbated watching this porn of this couple making love to each other. After I came I got really sad. I feel like I am lacking intimacy. I think I am going to leave him.
    Only she who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible.

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    Veteran Member Artema's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant about BF

    How long have you two been together? How old is he? My bf is 35 and devotes A LOT of his time to his family. I spent Christmas Eve with them and all of them are very close. Sometimes I feel awkward being there. I spent Christmas with my family and we aren't as close. My parents are more formal and private about their lives. I'm not there all the time or as much as my bf is with his family.

    Anyway after work he went straight over there. I thought he would come back home and I kinda wish we would spend some Christmas time together :/ Like have some cocoa and go see lights or something.

    Relating to your situation, once guys (or anyone) nears 30, I think they become dedicated to other things besides beer, girls and parties. I believe the older you get, the more you realize how time is flying --- family becomes VERY important and so do personal passions. I don't know how old you are but the way you wrote seemed like you're a bit younger than he is? It's important to be on the same page in relationships --- like what is most important to you (especially where the relationship falls). If this is a recurring issue then yeah, I'd leave him. Otherwise I suggest telling him how you feel about his wandering off to practice. And for god sakes, it's Christmas .... if he has any 'band mates' you'd think they have plans already....

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    Default Re: Rant about BF

    Yes try blatantly telling him what you need or expect in terms of devotion/being there/whatever... I know in several relationships I simply disappeared or acted like a dick simply cuz I had no idea I was doing these things. Nothing I did was done with any malice, but I was (am) really, really, really dense when it comes to women I'm dating. Like one chick I had just started dating lived like an hour away and around valentines day I didn't do anything for her cuz I was like blahblahblah corporate BS blahblahblah cynical generic ranting etc etc... And she was like, okay... It's my favorite holiday. And it completely bypassed my thinking. I'm that dumb. Maybe your bf just needs a kick in the noggin?

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    Veteran Member UwishUknewhy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant about BF

    Quote Originally Posted by Artema View Post
    How long have you two been together? How old is he? My bf is 35 and devotes A LOT of his time to his family. I spent Christmas Eve with them and all of them are very close. Sometimes I feel awkward being there. I spent Christmas with my family and we aren't as close. My parents are more formal and private about their lives. I'm not there all the time or as much as my bf is with his family.

    Anyway after work he went straight over there. I thought he would come back home and I kinda wish we would spend some Christmas time together :/ Like have some cocoa and go see lights or something.

    Relating to your situation, once guys (or anyone) nears 30, I think they become dedicated to other things besides beer, girls and parties. I believe the older you get, the more you realize how time is flying --- family becomes VERY important and so do personal passions. I don't know how old you are but the way you wrote seemed like you're a bit younger than he is? It's important to be on the same page in relationships --- like what is most important to you (especially where the relationship falls). If this is a recurring issue then yeah, I'd leave him. Otherwise I suggest telling him how you feel about his wandering off to practice. And for god sakes, it's Christmas .... if he has any 'band mates' you'd think they have plans already....
    He is 29 and I am almost 25. I really was mad about him leaving ad he knew it. His band mates were waiting on him last I heard. I a so livid. We have been together 2 yrs.
    Only she who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible.

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    Veteran Member UwishUknewhy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant about BF

    Quote Originally Posted by William Folds View Post
    Yes try blatantly telling him what you need or expect in terms of devotion/being there/whatever... I know in several relationships I simply disappeared or acted like a dick simply cuz I had no idea I was doing these things. Nothing I did was done with any malice, but I was (am) really, really, really dense when it comes to women I'm dating. Like one chick I had just started dating lived like an hour away and around valentines day I didn't do anything for her cuz I was like blahblahblah corporate BS blahblahblah cynical generic ranting etc etc... And she was like, okay... It's my favorite holiday. And it completely bypassed my thinking. I'm that dumb. Maybe your bf just needs a kick in the noggin?
    He knows how I feel about his 3 bands, 2 jobs, and lack of time spent with me. I am so fucking pissed right now.
    Only she who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible.

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    Veteran Member Artema's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant about BF

    Quote Originally Posted by UwishUknewhy View Post
    He is 29 and I am almost 25. I really was mad about him leaving ad he knew it. His band mates were waiting on him last I heard. I a so livid. We have been together 2 yrs.
    The bold part of what you said is some serious

    And you aren't too far apart in age. I confirm he's simply a douchebag then. There obviously needs to be some communication. TALK to him specifically about the above. Either he changes his behavior or he's out.

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    God/dess cherryblossomsinspring's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant about BF

    Is he trying to get "discovered"? If that's the case then it's a passion of his that he'd wash his hands in a shit smeared toilet just to "make it one day". He sounds like a die hard " I'll do whatever it takes" type. Yeah I practice on Christmas, yeah I'l skip New Years because we may have "this gig". He's not necessarily a douchebag , he's just hoping he makes it to the radio before he reaches 35?

    I would suggest asking him if he's practicing for fun , hobby? or is he really trying to "make it". If it's the latter then anyone really is going to take a bit of a back seat to his goal. If this is the case then he needs to be honest or at the very least apologize with an added " I'm so going to make this up to you".



    I may need to return to this after the Holidays I'm getting "soft".

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    Featured Member OJenni!'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant about BF

    I am a musician myself. Its a serious hobby for me. While I would love to get "discovered" I don't put all my eggs into this so to speak. If I make it-cool, if I don't I am not going to be disappointed. That said between doing my job (camming) and playing music it can be hard balance. Throw into that a relationship and it can be hectic.

    Ask him what his intentions are. Is there any way you can be included in the band/touring?



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    Veteran Member Artema's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant about BF

    Quote Originally Posted by cherryblossomsinspring View Post
    He's not necessarily a douchebag , he's just hoping he makes it to the radio before he reaches 35?
    The OP sounds upset. Add the fact they've been together for 2 yrs ...it sounds like it's been an ongoing issue. IMO he's a douche for leaving her on a special day (Christmas) to practice...AND then his friends saying he hadn't shown up yet? I don't know what the conversation/intentions were beforehand but his behavior seems inconsiderate and shady. Being passionate and wanting to "make it big" is understandable. And yeah, times can get busy. But to the point where the partner feels neglected...as in this particular event, it is moot to me.

    Basically it comes down to communication. I agree with the others to find what his ideas and intentions are in the relationship. I believe that is the key to the answer regarding his behavior.
    Last edited by Artema; 12-26-2011 at 04:39 AM. Reason: tired. must sleep.

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    Veteran Member UwishUknewhy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant about BF

    Quote Originally Posted by cherryblossomsinspring View Post
    Is he trying to get "discovered"? If that's the case then it's a passion of his that he'd wash his hands in a shit smeared toilet just to "make it one day". He sounds like a die hard " I'll do whatever it takes" type. Yeah I practice on Christmas, yeah I'l skip New Years because we may have "this gig". He's not necessarily a douchebag , he's just hoping he makes it to the radio before he reaches 35?

    I would suggest asking him if he's practicing for fun , hobby? or is he really trying to "make it". If it's the latter then anyone really is going to take a bit of a back seat to his goal. If this is the case then he needs to be honest or at the very least apologize with an added " I'm so going to make this up to you".



    I may need to return to this after the Holidays I'm getting "soft".

    He is definitely trying to make a career out of his music. He was out setting up his gear and sound checking at a friends loft who is recording his band all this week.

    Maybe I over reacted.
    Only she who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible.

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    Veteran Member UwishUknewhy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant about BF

    Quote Originally Posted by OJenni! View Post
    Ask him what his intentions are. Is there any way you can be included in the band/touring?
    I know his intentions which are to make a career out of being a musician. I am included in touring and band rehearsals if I choose to. I think I over reacted.
    Only she who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible.

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    Veteran Member UwishUknewhy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant about BF

    Thanks everyone for input and a new perspective. I think I am selfish and really over reacted.
    Only she who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible.

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    Default Re: Rant about BF

    Quote Originally Posted by Artema View Post
    AND then his friends saying he hadn't shown up yet
    ^ This part is worrying me. Meaning he should have been there, what was the delay.

    If it's not you then it better sure be the music. Why he didn't arrive on time is what made me do a double take. I would suggest trying to be involved with the music as much as possible. Show up with some pizza once in a while when they decide to take a break. I'm not saying he's cheating but why would he be late to practice?

    Then again Holiday traffic sucks!! So maybe that's all it was. Or maybe there was a bad accident after someone had some "Flaming Rum Punch". Who knows, just be around every once in a while to make sure everything is on the level.

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    Default Re: Rant about BF

    Ohh see it was all gravy! He was setting up at the loft. No worries. Don't worry about over reacting. It's quite normal to feel sad when you're not with a loved one on Christmas. If he's even remotely normal, I'm pretty sure he missed you too. Also even better to hear that you're included in touring and band rehearsals. Shows that you are apart of his dream which to me says volumes.

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    Featured Member Spinnerette's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant about BF

    But how much time he take out to spend with you? Yes, I'm going to be that lady. My man is gone a lot and doesn't spend enough time with me either but I don't mind because he's WORKING. It's not a hobby he's hoping to profit off of some day. Band practice could have waited until after the holidays, I'm sure. Slacking in a relationship and being told you're slacking yet refusing anything about it is one of those "then perhaps you should be single" type of things to me. Then he can practice to his heart's content and you can find someone who understands that while Christmas has lost all meaning, it's one of the few days out of the year that people are collectively given a break and that they should be spending time with you. Being in a partnership is about sacrificing for it sometimes, yeah?

    Hope he made it up to you.

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    Veteran Member innes's Avatar
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    Default Re: Rant about BF

    Although I know it's all resolved, I still want to chime in!
    First, you aren't completely selfish, etc. to think like this. Yeah, it is disappointing if your boyfriend can't be there for holidays and whatnot. He should definitely consider your feelings, even if he still can't do anything about it (if you know what I mean?).

    My boyfriend is a musician as well. He doesn't get many gigs yet so if he had a gig somewhere, no matter when it was, I would expect him to go there. If I could go too (no work or other commitments), I would be there as well! But if it was just for a practice, well he practices all the time lol, I would ask him to do that the day before or something, you know?

    Anyway, it can be frustrating, you are normal for thinking like this, but I'm glad you were able to see through it
    InnesX

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    Default Re: Rant about BF

    This ^ I agree with and understand. My only issue is did he show his love for music from the beginning. Did she know his plan? If so then she knows who he is and his goal. If this was something he decided to do a year into their relationship then that would have posed a problem for me.

    Women in the industry are also entertainers. He could have met her as a dancer and attempted to "change" how she makes her money. Or he could have met her before she became a dancer and a year into the relationship she decided " I want to be a dancer, support my dream!". At this point he would have every right to complain or bitch because he didn't start dating a dancer.

    The point I'm trying to make is that she met him knowing who he is and what his passions are. In other words she accepted his love of music. Now she could have went to his practice with him and stole him away during a break for some naughty misletoe fun. It may have not been as fun, but still she's there sharing this holiday with the man she loves.

    Now if she feels she's not getting her fair share of attention in a relationship with a rocker then her feelings aren't shocking. It's a sacrifice she has decided to make being with him.

    If at any point she feels the sacrifice is too great then yes she can dump him. However at this point I feel that they are on the same page , I think it's just this time specifically she wanted him to skip practice and stay in.

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