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Thread: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

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    Sad I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    Ok, so it's freakin' new year, and I'm going through hell. I have been crying non-stop since a few days ago. Sorry, this is LONG.

    So I met this guy 2 years ago (I call him M). I was a university student, coming from a traditional & strict family. He was very much my type, I loved his face, body, and mostly his attitude & personality. He was young & carefree, not the relationship material. So although we never officially dated he was the only one I was seeing (on and off) & liked since then. I was honestly not looking for a relationship myself either, ... I'm a very independent person, need my space (can never live with someone), and was too busy with school. I was pretty happy with what I had with him.

    Later I started hanging out with gold digger friends at high end bars in financial district where guys from any age try to hit on you and use their money to get into your p***s. Also, for some reason, my sex drive started to lower & lower to the point that in the past 1-2 years I did not feel sexually attracted to anyone, literally, well except for him. The fact that I'm very superficial did not help either.

    I got my degree last January and when I was looking for a job, a friend told me I could make so much money in a massage parlour. Before then, I had no idea such places existed (and they are legal, licensed, and common in Toronto). I thought there was only stripclubs and escorting, which I was not interested in either (I was kinda shy and had privacy problems to dance). It took me a couple months to gather up the nerve to actually try it but when I did I got hooked. The money was good, the job was easy. It was a very clean spa (they have large peep holes on the doors, & managers are very strict. There is no kissing, bj, sex allowed, ... just massage and hand release). I was very busy (always fully booked while other girls were watching TV waiting for walk-ins), had some high roller regulars & the money I earned was 5 times more than what I could make in a normal full time job with my reputable university degree (& I was still doing part time projects related to my studies). I was saving all my money, registered a company (for occasional gigs & to do my taxes through) and was planning to buy a condo & a car (which I could pay them off in 2-3 years based on my earnings). I was seeing M regularly. I wasn't feeling guilty because I was emotionally and physically committed to him, and we were not officially in a relationship. I felt my life was just perfect.

    After 4-5 months of working there, a new girl came to our spa (I call her A). On Halloween, M texted me to meet & I said I'm going to this club party with my friend (I call her B, who also worked with me). So he came there, and A (who was B's friend) came too. Turned out that my guy was A's ex (freaking smaaaalllll world). They knew each other since high school and broke up 2 years ago but A was very much in love with him to the point of obsession. They broke up because M found out that she was working but she could not let it go (and was stalking him 24/7 based on what I heard later from their friends). At that point I didn't know which one was more important to me. M, or chances of him and many others knowing about my job. I asked A to not to tell anyone about my job and I told her I don't like M anymore and will not see him. Then I told everyone I was leaving the country to visit my family.

    For the 2 months of November & December, I was pretty isolated. I stopped working at the spa since that night (and deleted my profile from their website), and totally stopped my contact with him and everyone I knew from work or our mutual friends, which meant almost all of my friends cause they all knew B or M, and B was close friends with A. I did visit my family but only for 2 weeks. For the rest of 2 months, I was basically staying home, thinking of what I should do with my life, reading books, etc. And M kept texting and calling me and sent me messages on facebook, which made me miss him like crazy. But I couldn't risk him knowing what I did (as I know he cares about these things a lot). The problem is, there are many misconceptions about massage parlours in Toronto. Many think girls do everything there, and they just call us cheap whores.

    On Christmas day, I couldn't take it anymore and I went to a party and met M later. He was just way too sweet to me & said he missed me so much, honestly I never liked him more than that night. A couple days after, B called me & said A told her I am back and everyone (including M) knows about my work. B also said their friend posted her & A on "thedirty.com" with face pics and their "work name" and spa, which means A & B have nothing to lose anymore (and they both still work there!). A hates me (because of M). B hates me too (because some guys she likes hit on me!) & they have nothing to lose, so chances are very high that A outs me, or probably she has already did.

    I am so lost.
    First, I am very sad about all the judgement and taboos regarding this job. I mean we (and all girls in our spa) really don't do any extras. Hell, I don't even let the clients touch me down there. Yet people think we do all sorts of things and they call us hoes. It's just too embarrassing.
    Second, I am still not 100% sure if people really know I worked there, but there is no way I can find out. I'm not gonne call them and ask "Do u know if I worked at a massage parlour or not"! I feel so blindfolded. I have not heard from M in a few days too.
    And third, I am pretty sure that I can never like anyone after him. I mean, it was bad before too, but working in the adult industry has pretty much ruined me. I was lucky that I liked him when I was all young and naive. These days, I feel pretty much nothing towards men. I hate sex (feel no sexual attraction to any new guy I meet, even if they are hot) and I am so emotionally shut down (not because of commitment to him, it just didn't happen). Yet I still love him. Has anyone else felt that way?
    I am even ready to stop that job altogether because of him, but I think now it's too late.

    Sorry for the rant. I just had to let it out. I can't sleep. I starve myself and then binge. Maybe I should just not give a damn ... easier said than done!
    Last edited by SaraA; 01-02-2012 at 07:15 PM.

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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    This is some intense stuff. It sounds like you're using M as a filler for the void you feel inside. He could probably be anyone and you'd still feel the same--you just happened to meet him before you entered the industry, and he made some kind of an impression on you.

    We all deal with stigma, but I know the stigma intensifies the further you go into the sex industry. We're all here for you, and many of us have endured the same shit!


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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    All of the females in this story sound like bitches, to be honest. Judgement hurts, but you can at least know that they're not truly worth a damn. All you can do, I think, is talk to the guy in question. Acting shady about it won't help if he already has suspicions about your job, so I really think you should try to discuss it with him. As you've said, the two of you were not "in a relationship," so why should you feel guilty about not telling him about your job? Although many people are open/upfront about their jobs in the sex industry, just as many consider it a "need to know" sort of thing. The only person in my life who knows is my boyfriend, with whom I'm about to get an apartment, and I didn't tell him till I felt like he had the potential to be a serious part of my life. However, the conflict is, I think, that you feel much more for "M" than one would in a casual relationship. So you may feel some sort of guilt because you omitted such a huge (and potentially controversial) part of your life from him, but you were never, in my opinion, obligated to tell him. Maybe he was younger when he broke up with the other girl for her job and has evolved a little more to where he could be okay with it. Maybe she lied to him about it and the lie (in the context of a committed relationship) was what did it. Maybe she's lying to you and he dumped her because she's just plain crazy, since she still seems to have an unhealthy amount of interest in someone who cut ties with her years ago. My point is, don't let what this bitch has said to/about you fuck with your head. Go straight to the only person in this situation whose opinion you really care about, be truthful, and get some sort of peace before you drive yourself crazy wondering about all the "what if's".

    As far as never liking someone again... to be honest, I used to feel the same way. I dislike that I am "judgmental" in this sense, but I genuinely distrust and dislike most men simply because they are men and I associate many negative characteristics and experiences with men. I have never been able to find most men attractive, and ever since some rather awful things happened to me at the hands of men, that aversion has intensified tremendously. Working in a club doesn't help. However, I was able to find someone who treats me well and whom I trust, and all of the pain of my past relationships makes me appreciate his kindness even more. No matter how things with M turn out, know that someone who loves you should not make you feel bad about yourself. If this guy can't talk to you about what happened and where you two should go from here with respect, then, despite how painful and unhelpful this thought process is at first, you're better off.

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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    Quote Originally Posted by SaraA View Post
    just massage and hand release)(
    So basically you give Hand Jobs. Generally this IS very much an EXTRA. So that's why people are calling you a whore.You may not be having sex with your body but your hand is basically a vagina. Men are paying for you to jerk them off, not for the actual massage. I'm not exactly sure how it works there but here if you don't have a license then you aren't legally able to be paid for a massage. They call it "body rubs".

    Now getting to the girl that was in love with the guy you were seeing. If you found out about this then I would have just cut her off. Yes she could tell him and yes he may not be ok with it. You may have felt differently about him if he was doing the same with male clients before you got in the industry yourself.

    The bottom line here is that you and this guy weren't exclusive. It's not you were cheating on him. So what was this a friends with benefits? If so would you feel different if he was seeing other women while he was seeing you?

    Your feelings towards him are yours alone, if he hasn't expressed moving things anywhere then he's actually saying "you're cool, I like fucking you, but I don't actually want you for anything more". So him finding out that someone is actually paying you for your "hand" will make him do what? Ohh how bad of you! If you were running around giving hand jobs for free he wouldn't feel it was bad. It's that you got paid that bothers alot of people. Men that sit on the sidelines and just enjoy a woman in this manner are not looking for anything either. If anything I feel he's got it made.

    I actually had an ex that dated a massage girl a year before me. He didn't know she did that but she had a big house, high end car, the clothes etc. He was attracted to her because of the things she had since he likes to run in similar circles of wealth. She was dumb enough to bring a friend of hers that's also in the industry which turned into disaster when they got into a fight and she spilled the beans. Dirty move. He dumped her and said she was gross for doing that with men. I looked in his past and saw he pretty much fucked and sucked to get deals to move up his ladder of success. So I found it quite funny that he had such an issue with this girl doing the same in a more straight up way.

    He couldn't even tell me how many partners he had yet he was pointing fingers at this girl like she was garbage. I never really got that about him but saw it more as jealousy than anything else.

    Most people are doing the same thing it's just more subtle.

    Also you lack of desire or attraction for men is partly because A. you don't want to get hurt. and B. you see all these men paying for your services yet they have wives and gfs. So how do you form a lasting faithful relationship with a man if this is where he may end up one night? That's a great question since I'm still asking the same thing myself.

    Trust that most of the people pointing fingers have some scary shit trying to get out of their closet. The most normal looking people are usually the ones that have the most to hide. Just look at your successful clients.

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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    Thank you girls for the responses. Writing here and reading the replies made me see the bigger picture.

    It's true, I was using him to fill a void. I felt if I lose him, I won't have anything sexual or emotional left in my life. I used him as self assurance and to deny the fact that I am so emotionally & physically shut down. I invested all of my energy into him, ... I was more in love with the "idea of him". I even imagined being with him in my sessions at work so I could pretend being into it (or to distract myself). I don't drink, never even tried any drugs, or narcotics or benzos (pretty common among working girls) so I feel I used him as a substitute. That's why sex with him was so good & losing him was such a nightmare. As you said, he could've been anyone.

    I do think a part of my lack of interest in other men was because I felt guilty about hiding my job from M, which subconsciously made me more committed to him in my real life (i.e.making up for it by being a *good girl*). It also made me very strict about my boundaries with clients (never crossed the lines or met anyone outside although I had tempting offers).
    Before this job I flirted with guys and was actively looking for potential dates, but now I go out (gym, clubbing, parties, etc) & I never even look at them or take numbers. I kept denying it (because well, we are not exclusive so I should not commit), but now I'm sure there is truth to it.

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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    I thought more about this whole thing the past few days. I felt this job was not worth it when only the thought of people finding out spooked me like that. I was literally in tears for a whole week.
    Had a meeting yesterday to work is a project related to my studies, and I took it as a good sign. So I called the spa manager and said I won't be back. It was such a relief.
    The money there was 5 times the money I normally make in my day job, but I think I just have to suck it up, like many of you girls do (or have to do) at some point.

    M texted me today, this was the second time we talked after B called me last week, and both times he was normal. Just cool & sexy stuff, didn't mention anything. So either:
    - He does not know anything.
    - He does and just does not want to talk about it & keep our relationship the way it was before.
    - He wants to talk to me when we meet (I highly doubt).

    I hope it's the first, cuz it sucks if people know about this now that I'm actually done. But now I'm thinking what should I do with my emotional/sex life.
    I still have NO INTEREST in men (except for him) even if they r really hot. Like I'm gay. I think I'm just desensitized.
    Went on a dinner date with my ex-trainer who I had somewhat of a crush on & I didn't even like it when he took my hand.
    Were any of you girls like me & did it change after u stopped working? ... Should I take professional help? ... And should I keep seeing M?

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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    You need to CALM DOWN.

    Lots of people in this industry experience negative sexual effects from the work. As with any high-stress job out there, there is a risk of this in the sex industry. Add social stigma on top of that, and well...yeah. It's not uncommon.

    That being said, this is something that the vast majority of us recover from. Give yourself time to heal, and OWN YOUR LIFE. Own what you did. There is NOTHING wrong with what you did, unless you judge yourself, put yourself down for it, and accept the bullshit judgments people throw your way.

    As for M, well, there are plenty of fish in the sea. And there are plenty of people who will accept and love you for your past.

    My opinion: you need to do some self-healing before you jump into any relationships. Get to know yourself. Pick up hobbies. Get a dog / cat who loves you unconditionally. Eat good food. Masturbate. Take long baths. Go for walks in beautiful places. Love yourself. And take your time. You'll run into the right people if you take care of yourself first.

    http://www.ted.com/talks/louie_schwa...gratitude.html

    Also, remember to poke around the Other Work board for escort / sensual masseuse support.

    Breathe, my dear.. Breathe!

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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    Quote Originally Posted by cherryblossomsinspring View Post
    So basically you give Hand Jobs. Generally this IS very much an EXTRA. So that's why people are calling you a whore.You may not be having sex with your body but your hand is basically a vagina. Men are paying for you to jerk them off, not for the actual massage. I'm not exactly sure how it works there but here if you don't have a license then you aren't legally able to be paid for a massage. They call it "body rubs".
    ...wow, this is one of the most judgmental-sounding posts I've read on StripperWeb, ever
    Toronto-based, very rough draft, constantly asking for input!

    Our bodies, our rules.
    Stand together or fall apart.

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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    I agree very judgmental..a extra in one place isn't in another & to call someone a whore & not work with them?

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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    If its legal, safe, and something you enjoy u should do it. So massage parlors are legal in Canada....is prostitution also? If it is and u like doing it then do it. But if prostitution is illegal please consider the legal consequences, and whether that would be worth it to keep doing this or not.

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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    Quote Originally Posted by beckatron View Post
    ...wow, this is one of the most judgmental-sounding posts I've read on StripperWeb, ever
    Whoa how is this judgmental? Is she giving regular no sexual massages? Or is she pumping a guy's cock for cash? How is what I said judgmental? I'm giving her the reality of why someone is calling her a Whore. A licensed massage person is not supposed to engage in anything sexual with a client and is also supposed to be licensed. That's not what happening right? Or did I miss something here? So someone sucking cock at the club isn't whoring out for cash? or is it actual intercourse that gets frowned on? It's a form of prostitution is it not? Could a police office walk in and watch her pump a cock and say wow that was great totally legal? I think it's illegal last time I checked the law and it's considered prostitution. So last time I checked another word for prostitute is "whore" woman that does sexual favors for money. So even if that's not how she wants to look at it, others will bottom line. I can be called a cam whore even though I'm not actually touching the man and I'm just enjoying my own body and looking at there's but hey it's legal.

    So where am I being judgmental when I'm just telling her how she will be viewed. To sugar coat it would be a lie. Now how about telling her to make the same cash without blowing the guys load on her hands and see if that will still keeps her employed.

    I was giving her the real answer not the sugar coated one. She's a big girl and can take the HONESTY. If it's legal in her country then it's no big deal but most guys are not going to be cool with their girl jacking off strangers. That's the reality and yes he will see her as a whore. Take a few course of massage work , get licensed and make less money but you will not be pumping the customers off. Most guys will see a licensed massage therapist as a legit job and be proud to tell others about it. But ooh my girl gets a guys load on her hand after she pumps it isn't really going to fly as dinner conversation with the family.

    Remember I didn't call her a whore I told her why her friend did. If anything we need to be honest about how the world see any of us outside this little bubble.

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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    You're actually being judgmental unbelevable... read the post above for clarification as I thought I was pretty clear.

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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    First just so I know....Whose definition of Whore are you using? Society?...Police?...Your own? or the girls who are making her feel this way?

    Cherry you speak of something you don't know...If you work at a SC & there is heavy contact but no extras are you a Whore?

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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    If you're unsure read her post again and then read both of mine.

    And is she working in a strip club or a massage parlor? I think a re-read may be in order.

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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    Quote Originally Posted by cherryblossomsinspring View Post
    If you're unsure read her post again and then read both of mine.

    And is she working in a strip club or a massage parlor? I think a re-read may be in order.
    If you work in a environment where giving a hand job is the norm...Its not a extra! She said no..Kissing, BJ, Intercourse...as you stated in your first comment. So I can read

    There are women on this site that sell sex for money.....does that label you a whore?

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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    Quote Originally Posted by unbeleavable View Post
    If you work in a environment where giving a hand job is the norm...Its not a extra! She said no..Kissing, BJ, Intercourse...as you stated in your first comment. So I can read

    There are women on this site that sell sex for money.....does that label you a whore?
    *Snip*
    Prostitution

    From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    "Whore", "prostitute", and "The oldest profession" redirect here. For other uses of "whore" or "whores", see Whore (disambiguation). For the 1967 French film, see The Oldest Profession (film).


    Prostitute c.1890




    Prostitute monument in Amsterdam


    Prostitution is the act or practice of providing sexual services to another person in return for payment. The person who receives payment for sexual services is called a prostitute and the person who receives such services is known by a multitude of terms, including "john". Prostitution is one of the branches of the sex industry. The legal status of prostitution varies from country to country, from being a punishable crime to a regulated profession. Estimates place the annual revenue generated from the global prostitution industry to be over $100 billion.[1] Prostitution is sometimes referred to as "the world's oldest profession".[2]

    ***Courtesy of Wikipedia***

    also

    Whore (disambiguation)

    From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    Look up whore or whores in Wiktionary, the free dictionary.
    Whore generally refers to a prostitute.
    Whore(s) may also refer to:
    [edit]See also



    So unbelaevable are you really asking me or are you really playing dumb? Or are you just trying to stir up shit? You're a mod now right? Aren't you supposed to be diffusing drama not instigating it?

    The taboos associated with this industry is what keep people making a higher income than say your pg rated job. Another reason why it's also taboo is because many of the users of such "services" are married under traditional views of "no sexual anything outside the confines of said marriage". Many married uses of these services would not be open to their partners doing the same.

    I've had many massages over the years none of which included clit rubbing. Did I not get my money's worth? Or should I go back and ask ?

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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    Honestly, when I first read the OP's issue, I thought something along the lines of what cherry said about "hand release." I don't know the legalities of prostitution where the OP works, but in my mind, I would think that providing sexual gratification for money is prostitution, whether it's with your hand, mouth, vagina, whatever. So whether hand release is legal or the norm where the OP is, does that really change whether it's prostitution? No, and working as a prostitute makes a lot of people feel entitled to call you a whore, regardless of whether it's commonly viewed as an "extra" or the norm. Does that make me look down on the OP? Hell no. But was cherry really being condescending or judgmental by pointing out why OTHERS are calling the OP names?

    I've read several times on here about how "clean" strippers are miffed about being asked for extras because they aren't whores and they only sell the fantasy, etc. So how is it anymore "judgmental" for cherry to tell the OP straight up why people are calling her a whore? It's not like cherry personally labeled the OP a whore or as though the rest of her post condemned the OP. Actually, I thought the rest of her post was helpful. And yeah, there are many strong women on this forum who don't deserve to have hateful shit spewed at them, but I don't think hate was cherry's intent. She was just being blunt. It's just crazy that she's being vilified, because what she said was truthful, regardless of how abrasive some may find it.

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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    Cool, everyone has aired out their point of view but unfortunately you're not going to agree on this one. Feel free to take the debate to another thread or pm each other on it. cherryblossom's comments you might notice have been approved by the OP. So at this point the debate is your own not a defense of the OP. Battle on elsewhere but further debate on that side topic will have to be removed.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    that got a bit strong
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Default Re: I think I can never like anyone again + dealing with adult industry taboos

    Quote Originally Posted by jasmine22 View Post
    If its legal, safe, and something you enjoy u should do it. So massage parlors are legal in Canada....is prostitution also? If it is and u like doing it then do it. But if prostitution is illegal please consider the legal consequences, and whether that would be worth it to keep doing this or not.
    Not illegal. Outcalls are totally legal. Incalls aren't for another 10 months. Tomorrow living off the avails becomes legal (assuming the Prime Minister doesn't step in at the 11th hour... again). Communicating for the purposes of prostitution is still illegal.

    I know this is an old thread full of yucky drama, I'm just so freakin' excited with what's going on with prostitution in Canada I want to share.
    Toronto-based, very rough draft, constantly asking for input!

    Our bodies, our rules.
    Stand together or fall apart.

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