Ok, so it's freakin' new year, and I'm going through hell. I have been crying non-stop since a few days ago. Sorry, this is LONG.
So I met this guy 2 years ago (I call him M). I was a university student, coming from a traditional & strict family. He was very much my type, I loved his face, body, and mostly his attitude & personality. He was young & carefree, not the relationship material. So although we never officially dated he was the only one I was seeing (on and off) & liked since then. I was honestly not looking for a relationship myself either, ... I'm a very independent person, need my space (can never live with someone), and was too busy with school. I was pretty happy with what I had with him.
Later I started hanging out with gold digger friends at high end bars in financial district where guys from any age try to hit on you and use their money to get into your p***s. Also, for some reason, my sex drive started to lower & lower to the point that in the past 1-2 years I did not feel sexually attracted to anyone, literally, well except for him. The fact that I'm very superficial did not help either.
I got my degree last January and when I was looking for a job, a friend told me I could make so much money in a massage parlour. Before then, I had no idea such places existed (and they are legal, licensed, and common in Toronto). I thought there was only stripclubs and escorting, which I was not interested in either (I was kinda shy and had privacy problems to dance). It took me a couple months to gather up the nerve to actually try it but when I did I got hooked. The money was good, the job was easy. It was a very clean spa (they have large peep holes on the doors, & managers are very strict. There is no kissing, bj, sex allowed, ... just massage and hand release). I was very busy (always fully booked while other girls were watching TV waiting for walk-ins), had some high roller regulars & the money I earned was 5 times more than what I could make in a normal full time job with my reputable university degree (& I was still doing part time projects related to my studies). I was saving all my money, registered a company (for occasional gigs & to do my taxes through) and was planning to buy a condo & a car (which I could pay them off in 2-3 years based on my earnings). I was seeing M regularly. I wasn't feeling guilty because I was emotionally and physically committed to him, and we were not officially in a relationship. I felt my life was just perfect.
After 4-5 months of working there, a new girl came to our spa (I call her A). On Halloween, M texted me to meet & I said I'm going to this club party with my friend (I call her B, who also worked with me). So he came there, and A (who was B's friend) came too. Turned out that my guy was A's ex (freaking smaaaalllll world). They knew each other since high school and broke up 2 years ago but A was very much in love with him to the point of obsession. They broke up because M found out that she was working but she could not let it go (and was stalking him 24/7 based on what I heard later from their friends). At that point I didn't know which one was more important to me. M, or chances of him and many others knowing about my job. I asked A to not to tell anyone about my job and I told her I don't like M anymore and will not see him. Then I told everyone I was leaving the country to visit my family.
For the 2 months of November & December, I was pretty isolated. I stopped working at the spa since that night (and deleted my profile from their website), and totally stopped my contact with him and everyone I knew from work or our mutual friends, which meant almost all of my friends cause they all knew B or M, and B was close friends with A. I did visit my family but only for 2 weeks. For the rest of 2 months, I was basically staying home, thinking of what I should do with my life, reading books, etc. And M kept texting and calling me and sent me messages on facebook, which made me miss him like crazy. But I couldn't risk him knowing what I did (as I know he cares about these things a lot). The problem is, there are many misconceptions about massage parlours in Toronto. Many think girls do everything there, and they just call us cheap whores.
On Christmas day, I couldn't take it anymore and I went to a party and met M later. He was just way too sweet to me & said he missed me so much, honestly I never liked him more than that night. A couple days after, B called me & said A told her I am back and everyone (including M) knows about my work. B also said their friend posted her & A on "thedirty.com" with face pics and their "work name" and spa, which means A & B have nothing to lose anymore (and they both still work there!). A hates me (because of M). B hates me too (because some guys she likes hit on me!) & they have nothing to lose, so chances are very high that A outs me, or probably she has already did.
I am so lost.
First, I am very sad about all the judgement and taboos regarding this job. I mean we (and all girls in our spa) really don't do any extras. Hell, I don't even let the clients touch me down there. Yet people think we do all sorts of things and they call us hoes. It's just too embarrassing.
Second, I am still not 100% sure if people really know I worked there, but there is no way I can find out. I'm not gonne call them and ask "Do u know if I worked at a massage parlour or not"! I feel so blindfolded. I have not heard from M in a few days too.
And third, I am pretty sure that I can never like anyone after him. I mean, it was bad before too, but working in the adult industry has pretty much ruined me. I was lucky that I liked him when I was all young and naive. These days, I feel pretty much nothing towards men. I hate sex (feel no sexual attraction to any new guy I meet, even if they are hot) and I am so emotionally shut down (not because of commitment to him, it just didn't happen). Yet I still love him. Has anyone else felt that way?
I am even ready to stop that job altogether because of him, but I think now it's too late.
Sorry for the rant. I just had to let it out. I can't sleep. I starve myself and then binge. Maybe I should just not give a damn ... easier said than done!![]()



Reply With Quote






Bookmarks