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Thread: The mental problems with this job...

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    Default The mental problems with this job...

    I already feel it. I can't have sex/be sexual with men anymore, it's too weird. Every morning I cry for no obvious reason, like at this point I just go ok here come the tears, and ten minutes later there they go. I discovered the other half of my self esteem - I know I'm pretty now, but I feel like a piece of shit person or just dirty half the time, mostly at home when I'm alone. I HATE being alone now, whereas I used to love my alone time. I can't be comforted, I'd rather just be left alone to wallow in my own bs because that for some reason feels better than someone giving me affection (discovered this morning...). I forget my real name when I introduce myself to people after a shift, which is funny more than anything. I'm already having to try to BE my real self and leave my dancer self at work, and some situations I'd almost prefer to be her, not me. It gets so confusing....I let my last customer touch my breasts during a dance last night for an extra 20 dollars. Shoulda either charged wayyy more or just not done it. I cried all the way home because of that shit. I feel more comfortable at work than outside of work now. I'd always rather be at the club, regardless of the shitty things that happen between the fun I get to have there and the money I'm making.
    Do you just learn to deal with it? I see these old dancers who really have their lives together otc and are just beautiful strong women, and I wish I could be that now. How do you learn to cope? I'm thinking I'll do yoga a lot, but that's all I got so far.

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    Featured Member luscious sadie's Avatar
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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    if you're not having fun, it's time to quit. You're not going to learn to get over it... this job just isn't for some people.

    the women who have their lives together and the dancers who do really well generally don't feel the way that you do right now when they're working, tbh.
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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    It doesn't really sound like dancing is a good fit for you. Are you in a difficult position financially? There are other jobs you can do that don't mess with your self esteem as much as dancing seems to be doing right now.

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    Veteran Member Tiabambina's Avatar
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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    I feel like if you already feel this way after such a short while, maybe stop working. I had a transition period myself but this sounds worse. This job isn't for everyone so don't just force yourself, there's no shame in moving on from it.

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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    Yup. This job sounds like it isn't for you.

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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    Well it's like 40/60 for me. I love the money, I LOVE (most of) the people I work with, I totally enjoy myself on stage, I actually like most of my customers, I look forward to going in to work, the environment is more than I'd hoped for...It's just those guys who come in later I guess and they get really dirty with me and it's a shock still, sort of. AND I did a lot of coke last night so I'm all kinds of wrecked today lol. Most of the young girls I work with are where I am mentally, and the older girls I talk to WERE where I am at my age. So....

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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    Your second post seems to almost deny the feelings you stated in your first. To put things in perspective, I'm 21 and have only been dancing for a few months, but I do not think that you should have to learn to get over the feelings you expressed. I deal with a fuck-ton of anxiety in day-to-day life and the club certainly exacerbates it, but I do not feel like a dirty person for my job. I am less open to men in general now, but stripping has not negatively impacted my committed relationship significantly, or my sex drive. If you take drugs frequently, I think that may be part of your issue and I urge you to put your use in perspective. I'm not going to get preachy or hypocritical, but I can remember how I felt when I was habitually under the influence of a variety of substances. Being fucked up is often great in the moment, but coming down will increase the stress of an already difficult situation, like dancing, a thousand fold. Also, I imagine alcohol is added to the equation if/when there are drugs, and really, uppers + downers never equals anything good, especially during the following day.

    I'm not saying you're not cut out for this or you need to quit, etc., because I certainly don't have the experience to make that kind of judgment. I just think what you first posted was very honest and you ought to reread it and isolate what the issues are before you let them slide too far.

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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    When I reread the first post, I recognize that as how I was feeling mainly today with coming down, because I come down really hard and the person "babysitting" me was trying to get me to really talk about dancing and it was a dark thing...I know the coke makes it wayyyy worse, and I'm actually giving the rest of mine away, it was that bad. But honestly the rest of the time I like the job. But yeah today was def exaggerating any negative feelings, because I see other dancers, we talk, I listen, and I KNOW I'm not the only one who has a hard time at least sometimes. And I'm so young, too, there's a lot of stress in my life otc with moving away and my bf leaving and shit...I see things going up if I change my attitude about myself, like convincing myself I'm in control, etc. I think I really need to concentrate on ME before all else right now and work to be a strong and confident person. I know a girl who's my age and been doing this for almost a year, and she's so fucked in the head right now, I feel so sorry for her. That does scare me, but makes me want to work harder for myself as well. You can all tell I'm almost done with the comedown lol this has been the most horrible day....

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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    Take it easy on the coke. It will eat your soul. Trust me I know. I was an addict for a very long time and it definitely skews your judgement. Good luck.
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    If you're using coke to deal with dancing, then I wouldn't be stripping.

    If you feel like you described in your first post all the time, it's probably safe to say stripping isn't for you.

    However, my first month stripping-I was a wreck. But after that first month it got soooo much better.

    You asked about ways to deal with the emotional/mental stresses at work? I looked to the older dances and talked to them and thought about how put together they are and made it a goal to do something positive in my life each month-like tailoring and checking my finances, going to college, reading a new book, taking a new fitness class, volunteering at a school, etc. It helped keep perspective and helped to make sure stripping didn't encompass my whole life.

    I think that's a big thing with newer dancers. They let stripping take over. You can't allow that. This business with eat you up and shit you out. Don't let that happen.
    "You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories -Stainslaw J. Lec

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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    Quote Originally Posted by BringOnTheMen View Post
    I feel the same way at times. But not all the time. I think that's the important part. If you were to take a vacation would you come back feeling the way you do? If you were averaging $1000/night would you feel the way you do? I feel exactly how you do when I'm not happy with my money or when I'm having relationship/school problems but when my life is going fine and I'm making a lot I love this job. I don't agree with the other posters who said you weren't meant for this job, but it is possible that the pros aren't worth the cons right now and you need a break. Every job will push you in some way and it's up to you to decide whether it's worth it and how to cope. I really recommend seeing a therapist. Just setting aside an hour a week to talk to someone judgment free can help so much. I'd also read through the sticky JD wrote on preserving your emotional well being.

    Good luck girlie. You're not alone.
    1st of all BIG HUG to you. I think this is stellar advice.

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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    I think you'd probably like bartending or dancing more.. If you really feel that down about it, I can't even imagine how you still make it to work. And yea: coke is a big nono, you think it helps you make money but it really doesn't and it is soo addictive.

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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    Okay, I'm pretty sure one hundo percent myself again today, I feel soo much better. I went to breakfast with my family by the ocean, the weather was gorgeous, life is good again, I work tomorrow and once again I can't wait to chat it up in the dr and get on stage and dance to my music. I honestly think the coke that night made the negative aspects of this job really expand in my mind to a point where I couldn't handle it...I talked to someone, I feel mucho betta. And just on a side note, I've only ever done coke once before, it was totally spur of the moment, not really something I do normally and DEFINITELY NEVER at work! I'm giving the rest of mine away free, so I'm not a little cokehead over here lol no worries. I know now I'm never touching it again, that was way too much. I've never felt so out of control/crazy/like shit for over 24 hours before. Thanks for support, I got some good advice here. I'm not quitting. When I'm sober, I do like what I do and I plan to stick with it for at least several years. Cocaine is craaaazy I can't imagine what addicts must go through...I mean see coked out girls at work coming in for nightshift but damn....

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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    I'm glad you're feeling better, and I'm also glad coke isn't/won't be a usual part of you or your work routine. I had my first night at a new club Friday and had to wait fifteen minutes for a bathroom stall while three girls snorted lines. The stories they were trading slowly built to a screaming babble till they crawled (literally) out of the stalls and went to the bar. I know I'm way more fun if I've had a drink or two, but damn.

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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    Seriously...I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that on dayshift.

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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    Maybe if you went to a club without touching or you set very clear boundaries that you abide by. Decide what you are and are not okay with and follow your instinct. Take some time off and clear your head for a few weeks if you can.

    You are number one so focus on yourself. You're in for a surprise if you think all those women you admire have it all together 100% of the time. Everyone has skeletons in their closet and nobody's perfect. People like to present themselves to others that way, or maybe they just don't want to complain or be negative.

    If you are going to keep stripping, make a list of goals for yourself and map out a plan for however many years you want to strip, mapping out where these goals should fall in this time frame and what has to be done to accomplish it. I NEVER make good money if I go in just thinking of it like a time clock job. I do make good money and stay in a positive happy mood if I go in thinking of my shortest term goal and how close I am to crossing it off my list. Like if I make $300 tonight, I will put $100 in my checking for bills this month, put $100 in my savings account for my condo (3-5 years), put $60 in another account towards a class I want to take or maybe a trip somewhere, and give myself $40 cash for a manicure and gas before work the next day. You also will be less tempted to throw away money, whether it be on clothes, drugs, eating out etc, things that can quickly fill a happiness void, but once you're done savoring that moment you're back to where you started.

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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    I was like you when I started out. I carried a lot of inherited guilt with me.

    Sometime over the last 6 months I dropped it...completely. And I love dancing now. In fact, I think it has been very theraputic for me. So it can go away...but if you are feeling like that I think you should take a break, reevaluate what makes you feel that way about dancing, then -- if you want to -- come back again. I know, I know. Easier said than done.

    I also found that I HATE dancing when it's my only source of income. But I LOVE it when I'm doing it for side money and only on 2 shifts a week.

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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    I have only done coke one time and it was at work, a friend shared hers with me and a customer gave it to her. After doing the coke all I could think about was how I wanted some for myself to take home, etc. Fortunately I wasn't able to "score" any and the cravings went away after about a week. For me working in a dive bar it always seemed like I was either on top of the world or on the bottom. I guess the mediocre days just faded into oblivion but I was always aware if I was having a shit night or a good night. So working as a stripper always felt like a roller-coaster ride to me, low lows and high highs. I actually bought a mechanical sex machine for about five hundred dollars while I was working because I didn't want to be tempted to engage in sex with anyone. I know a lot of the girls went home with guys, (not to give any guys any hope) But I had a long commute and I didn't want to get caught in the web. When I first started dancing I felt hyper-sexual but as time went on I shut down sexually.

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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    I don't think your feelings are weird or wrong. I think you just really don't like you breast being grabbed for $20. You're disgusted . I don't think that makes you a bad dancer I just think you have limits like many others do. Some feel being felt up is part of the job where others don't tolerate it. It's either paid molestation or it's not for I've heard many men grabbing women at the club for absolutely nothing. This regular of yours knew that if he played nice for awhile he could eventually push your limits which is what he did. He'll probably slowly start asking for more as time goes on. You'll also not the first person he's done this with and most likely will not be the last. It's just something that many do because it's a high for them. The drug issue is also not surprising because people are doing anything to forget and push past their feelings. Drugs and drinking just act as a way to numb out what has happened so you can make it to the next day. When the drugs wear off all of those feeling come crashing in at once. Why do you think dancers get the "coked out" stereo type stamp? Because many coke headed customers go in and share their drugs to push for more things. Get a girl addicted and she may end up doing alot more for next to nothing just to support her habit. One she wouldn't have had if the environment wasn't promoting this behavior as normal stripper etiquette. So don't beat yourself up. Try to get away from the coke and try to stay away from anyone doing it or offering it up. It appears to be hard in the sc environment but so is taking a dumb that no one smells.

    Also I hear coke is a turn on drug. So a guy wants to turn on an already naked woman? It's no surprise that he's trying to take the party elsewhere and someone wanting the next bump will leave with him.

    Just focus before you go in that your goal is X amount of dollars. Then try to improve on that each time you walk in. Keep "handsy" men at bay and just stick to the focus of cash only.

    When that regular comes back be prepared to catch his hand before he grabs you.

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    Veteran Member goddesskali's Avatar
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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    Quote Originally Posted by TacoPrincess View Post
    Okay, I'm pretty sure one hundo percent myself again today, I feel soo much better. I went to breakfast with my family by the ocean, the weather was gorgeous, life is good again, I work tomorrow and once again I can't wait to chat it up in the dr and get on stage and dance to my music. I honestly think the coke that night made the negative aspects of this job really expand in my mind to a point where I couldn't handle it...I talked to someone, I feel mucho betta. And just on a side note, I've only ever done coke once before, it was totally spur of the moment, not really something I do normally and DEFINITELY NEVER at work! I'm giving the rest of mine away free, so I'm not a little cokehead over here lol no worries. I know now I'm never touching it again, that was way too much. I've never felt so out of control/crazy/like shit for over 24 hours before. Thanks for support, I got some good advice here. I'm not quitting. When I'm sober, I do like what I do and I plan to stick with it for at least several years. Cocaine is craaaazy I can't imagine what addicts must go through...I mean see coked out girls at work coming in for nightshift but damn....
    I made many mistakes during my dancing career. The main one was never taking vacations. You felt better when you saw your family - make it a point to do that frequently. Set money aside for a vacation requiring airplane travel too. Your body and mind will thank you.

    As for sexual side effects, you're not alone. Many sex workers experience it. Its like when you love chocolate...then you get a job working for godiva. Consequently, the last thing you want to eat is chocolate.

    If you feel emotional distress (crying spells etc) define your personal boundaries at work. Don't let the customers, management or other dancers cross your line. Do whatever you can to make the job work for YOU. Also, don't go to work when you're feeling down. BUT don't stay at home either! See your friends, exercise etc.

    I personally felt nausea and a tightness in my chest when i had to work. When I felt all the time I knew it was time to quit.
    Last edited by goddesskali; 01-11-2012 at 10:03 AM.
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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    Quote Originally Posted by BringOnTheMen View Post
    I feel the same way at times. But not all the time. I think that's the important part. If you were to take a vacation would you come back feeling the way you do? If you were averaging $1000/night would you feel the way you do? I feel exactly how you do when I'm not happy with my money or when I'm having relationship/school problems but when my life is going fine and I'm making a lot I love this job. I don't agree with the other posters who said you weren't meant for this job, but it is possible that the pros aren't worth the cons right now and you need a break. Every job will push you in some way and it's up to you to decide whether it's worth it and how to cope. I really recommend seeing a therapist. Just setting aside an hour a week to talk to someone judgment free can help so much. I'd also read through the sticky JD wrote on preserving your emotional well being.

    Good luck girlie. You're not alone.
    ^^^ 100% everything that I would have suggested.
    1) I feel that way sometimes and not all the time- I think this is just life.
    2) When my money is consistently up I feel +ive
    3) It doesn't mena this job isn't for you- its just ovewhelming at the lately and it is time to step back for a break.
    4) Therapist
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    I'm going to put it all out there and tell you about a very dark time in my life.

    I moved to Austin in August of 2009 from LV, because the money had crashed out there so bad I couldn't pay my rent. I had visited my sister there recently, worked and done really well- so moving made a lot of sense. Plus my sister was out there so even though I didn't know anyone, I would be near her and not totally alone.

    Well, I moved out there only to have her and her (now former) fiance move away four days later. I had brought only what I could fit in my tiny car so my apartment was empty. I was very, very lonely and turned to alcohol to forget how miserable I was. I did really great money wise until three weeks later, I got a DWI on the way home. My car was towed and they didn't give me a location to where it was towed to, so by the time I found it the impound fees were too high to pay so I had to leave it. I lived a $50 cab ride away from work, so $100 a day in cab fees. Because of this, and increasing my drinking again because of my loneliness, I started to go broke. I wasn't making any money because I would literally make dance money, then go straight up to the bar and buy myself drinks. I worked for THREE MONTHS STRAIGHT, every day because going to the club to drink and socialize was better to me than staying home alone. I didn't see a reason to take a day off. I figured why? So I could sit and wallow in my own misery and be alone?

    I ended up having to downgrade to a small shitty club because I could no longer afford the cabs with my drinking habit. For months, I took the bus to this club which was 5 miles away because I couldn't even afford the ride there at that point. I hated the club, hated seeing the girls do extras, hated the customers and this made me start to lash out violently. I made "friends" with some unsavory girls and would go back to their house to drink more after work. One of these nights, I got disgustingly blacked out drunk and the girls stole my wallet with $400 in funny money in it and all my identification. I woke up at the house frantic and they all insisted that they hadn't taken it. I later found out who did, but that's another story.

    I got behind on my rent, got evicted and had to move into a rented room with two college guys I didn't know. I thought having room mates would help me, but they were never home. By now I was drinking a bottle of whiskey every single night. I would wake up and find my phone smashed on the back porch. Cabbies would say hi to me that I had no idea who they were- they had driven me home when I was blacked out. I acted out at the club and did some truly humiliating things- like shoving my GM, slapping a girl across the face, stormed out in my dance clothes and breaking my shoes on the sidewalk. I started dating a guy that was a total douchebag but I didn't care because it made me feel less alone. I woke up every day with the shakes so bad I couldn't even put on my mascara. I put on weight from the drinking and looked like a slob.

    That year I ended up meeting my husband, who literally saved my life- but again that's another story.

    I tell you all of this because i know from personal experience that if you feel this way, fucked up on some sort of substance or not- IT WILL EAT YOU ALIVE. If you are so lonely it's better to go to the club than be home, something is wrong. If you're getting this fucked up, something is wrong. And if you feel dirty, disgusting and your self esteem is suffering, SOMETHING IS WRONG.

    I urge you to reach out to someone close to you, even if you don't need it. A friend, a boyfriend, a parent, a sibling- WHATEVER. This sort of behavior and feelings is the beginning of a vicious cycle. DON'T LET WHAT HAPPENED TO ME HAPPEN TO YOU. Take your feelings seriously and GET THE FUCK OUT. Your mental and physical health are NOT worth sacrificing for this industry, or any other. It's possible to change, I'm living proof of that. BE WELL AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Fuck money.

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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    Quote Originally Posted by glitzy View Post

    I also found that I HATE dancing when it's my only source of income. But I LOVE it when I'm doing it for side money and only on 2 shifts a week.
    I've had this same experience. Something about the part time aspect with no desperation really works for me.

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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    Quote Originally Posted by glitzy View Post
    I was like you when I started out. I carried a lot of inherited guilt with me.

    Sometime over the last 6 months I dropped it...completely. And I love dancing now. In fact, I think it has been very theraputic for me. So it can go away...but if you are feeling like that I think you should take a break, reevaluate what makes you feel that way about dancing, then -- if you want to -- come back again. I know, I know. Easier said than done.

    I also found that I HATE dancing when it's my only source of income. But I LOVE it when I'm doing it for side money and only on 2 shifts a week.

    I'm in a similar boat, except I enjoyed it starting out (started a few days after I turned 1, then was over it, and then HAAAATED it. I would get psychosomatic symptoms on my way to work, but I think the stress of my job was just compounded by me being lost in life, making mistakes and screwing around for a year or so and feeling shitty about that already. I quit stripping, got two other jobs, and felt way better but then financial stress took hold and I missed the $$, the glamour, the flexibility of the lifestyle... Now I'm back to stripping and kept the more fulfilling of the two part-timers, and I can keep my "Good Positive Happy" job and my "Fun Sexy Outlet Money Game" job.

    Being a slightly more grounded 22 now instead of a wistful young thing helps, I think. I certainly didn't think I couldn't handle it when I started, but it's been a process. Only now have I gotten in the mindset where I am ready to make the money (and SAVE the money) and deal with the stigma and the rough nights and all that sort of accompanying bullshit.

    For OP, I definitely agree that maybe taking a step back is a good idea. Quit, come back later if you get the itch, always keep something going on the side. Because when I had nothing on the side and dancing got rough for me, going into work was just like, "This? This is it? This is what I do." and it felt depressing because I was not mega-motivated career stripper or doing anything else productive.

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    Default Re: The mental problems with this job...

    I tortured myself for years over being a dancer. It was hell. I didn't have the luxury of quitting because I was taking care of myself and putting myself through school. So instead I cried pretty much before every shift, during, and after. I was cutting and I eventually became a very angry person inside. I hated the customers, myself, the dancers...everyone. What finally turned things around for me was seeing a psychiatrist. I was on heavy meds for around a year, but I've been off them now for four months and I'm doing great! He wasn't just a prescription pad though, he acted as a mentor to me. He was the first medical professional to tell me, "Hey, its okay to be a dancer. It doesn't make you a bad person". His acceptance and support eventually helped me to accept and love myself. You're young and beautiful, there's nothing wrong using it to make money. Just be smart and stay safe.

    And letting a guy touch your breast doesn't make you dirty. In my high-contact club that's actually pretty normal, but everyone has different boundaries. If something makes you uncomfortable don't be afraid to say no. I know that might sound silly, but when you're in the environment and you've had a few drinks and the guy is pushy and relentless it can sometimes be hard to hold your ground. We've all been there. Learn from this experience and forgive yourself for anything that's happened before. If you don't it will drive you insane.

    I understand what you mean about feeling more comfortable at work. After six years of dancing, I feel kind of on edge around non-dancers...especially my academic friends at school. I feel like their friendship is completely shallow and that if they knew the real me (the dancer side of me) they would reject me. I'm much more relaxed around my co-workers. Ugh, everyone wants to take the pole dance classes and act like a stripper, but god forbid if you actually become one. Its hard to do, but try to ignore all the negative attitudes. Stop beating yourself up. Dancing is a perfectly legal profession and you're not doing anything wrong.

    One more thing...please stay away from the coke. I don't want to preach, but from experience I can tell you that stuff is no good. I had my drug phase a few years back and while it was fun for a period, it will eventually end up hurting you. You could get addicted, fired for being caught with it, or just become a really unpleasant person to be around....Its very unhealthy, too. If you need a pick-me-up that will help you focus and stay alert, talk to a doctor about maybe trying amphetamines, like Vyvanse or Adderall. They worked miracles for me. Good luck to you!

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