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Thread: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

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    Default Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    Ok. So as some of you may have gathered, my husband was very, very ill last month. He was so sick the doctors were initially not optimistic, and I was truly convinced he was going to die. I was so convinced as a matter of fact, I called his best friend (who I am also very, very close to) and bawled my eyes out, asking him what I should do if my husband were in fact to die. It was that bad. Thankfully he is recovering, and is up to his old tricks again . His doctors are very optimistic even though he has to go get blood drawn every 2-3 weeks for a few months now.

    My husband has a friend up here, I'm going to call her Annie. Annie and my husband have been friends for eight or nine years, though they hadn't hung out much in the last six or so because she lived in WA and he lived in LA. Annie is very much a hippie chick. She and I get along well, although we have virtually nothing in common. My husband only hangs out with her like once every 6-8 weeks, usually with me but will go out for a drink with her if I'm working. That isn't the problem.

    The problem is I felt close enough to Annie that during one of the darkest days, I texted her and said "I am really scared he is going to die". She texted me back with this gem:

    "Adjust your attitude. Negative energy isn't good for healing."

    WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. ADJUST MY ATTITUDE?????? The conversation went exactly like this (copying from my texts):

    Me: "....you're kidding me right? Never mind."
    Annie: " I am not being harsh."
    Me: " I think it's ok for me to be upset and worried when my husband is yellow, weak, throwing up, bleeding from the mouth, peeing brown and in terrible pain. Adjust my attitude? I was coming to you for support."
    Annie: "I do support both of you. I am worried about him too. I have had him in my thoughts and prayers since you told me. I just believe jumping to the worst possible scenario in your head before knowing what is going on isn't mentally healthy for anyone, no offense."
    Me: " Whatever. I said I was AFRAID. Because I look at him and it scares the shit out of me. Because he isn't getting any better. I'm hoping for [diagnosis #1] because it's the best case scenario but it's only natural for me to be TERRIFIED when literally the ONLY PERSON you have as a family member is very ill."
    Annie: "I am sorry you're going through this. It is a very scary situation. You both will conquer this. I have faith."
    Me: "Whatever."

    I know I over reacted. I know I over reacted because of stress. I plan on apologizing to Annie. But should I mention this whole exchange to my husband? I mean she is his friend and I don't want him to find out I flipped out on her from someone else.

    Thanks in advance.

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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    NO apologies should be made to her. You shared with her your thoughts & Adjust is her response...as in attitude is the problem? You can see now...take action..He is your man & IN your thoughts...

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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    Yeah, that's pretty unacceptable. I get the whole positive energy thing, but this isn't like letting someone's petty drama affect your mood at a party...this is serious, literal life-or-death stuff, and that's what comes out of her fucking mouth? "Adjust your attitude," seriously? I take it she's never had to deal with anything remotely serious in her life, if that's the first thing that comes to her mind in this sort of situation. I would tell your husband. I would certainly tell mine if one of his friends pulled this kind of stunt. Whether or not he decides to do anything about it is up to him, but I'm getting the picture from this exchange that this may have been some weird sort of jealousy thing on her part...not necessarily romantic jealousy, but maybe the sort of "I'm his friend and I was here first so I have the authority to say these things to his wife" jealousy. If she doesn't listen to you that she was out of line, she'll probably listen to him...unless she's really that much of a bitch all-around, in which case, why would he bother being friends with her?

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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    Yeah I don't think "attitude" was among the right choice of words for her to use... It kind of seems like her initial text message wasn't meant to sound as insensitive as it came off to you (if she's normally pretty chill/nice). It's hard to read the tone of text messages. I get what she meant, to think positively, but the whole message went downhill pretty fast :/ . I think you should tell your husband, it's better than him hearing it from someone else (or worse, her!). That's great he's doing better, what a terrible ordeal to go through

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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    First off, I'm really happy your husband is doing better.
    Reading your post, I totally understand why you got so upset by her response to you-it was a cold and wholly inappropriate way to speak to someone who is dealing with the severe illness of a loved one.
    I have to say, in reaching out to apologize to Annie you're showing alot more compassion and imagination than Annie herself was capable. She clearly lacked both the ability to imagine YOUR pain/worry in dealing with your husband's illness, and the compassion required in understanding that your needs (as his life partner) trumped whatever worry/ concern she was feeling as his friend. She probably didn't want to think about the possibility that you all would lose him, but someone with imagination can recognize that there are times when the needs of others take precedence over our own.
    If I were you I would tell my guy, after you talk to Annie and clear things up with her. I wouldn't make a big deal about it, just state that you two had a bad moment in a time of massive stress- it happens. If he's been friends with her for years he probably knows how she deals with things, meaning that he'll know her callous behaviour didn't arise from a place of cruelty, but rather obliviousness. Let him know you're not angry with her, that you both discussed the conversation and are ok with each other again.
    Now's the time to celebrate all the good stuff to come, not dwell upon or conceal old arguments.
    I'm glad both you and your husband got through such a really hellish time
    peace

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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    Peace...

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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    I told my husband when he got home from work tonight. He took it in stride and said "Friends have miscommunications. It's part of life. I don't think either one of you took the other's belief system into account, and you reacted differently. I understand how you could have felt that way about what she said. Y'all will work it out."

    I told Annie we should talk sometime over lunch this week. I told her I still felt extremely hurt and I'm sure she did too. Fact is this chick isn't mean. Whomever up there said "oblivious", that's pretty accurate. She's really fluffy, pretty flaky and into positive energy- total opposite of me. I'm very outgoing but am also very serious. I'm really trying to turn over a new leaf and lighten up a touch this year so I feel like making up with her is a step in the right direction, however begrudging I am about it.

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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    I totally think you're in the right however I would try and sort it out with Annie, just for the sake of it not being worth the drama.

    She was completely out of line in what she said but I think her intentions are good and she would not have intentionally meant to hurt or offend you. Also, as inappropriate as her comments were, they would have read more harshly in the text than perhaps if she had said them in person.

    It's good to hear your husband is on the way to recovery though, I can't even imagine how terribly scary a time it would have been for you.
    Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    Poor choice of words. I'm going to blame it on the texting tho for the miscommunication. People tend to try to get straight to the point when it comes to texting..

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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    I agree with others here who said that she responded poorly at best. Also, I don't care how "flaky" she supposedly is, what she said to you was not only highly insensitive, but frankly came off as condescending.

    While we're at it, IMHO your husband's "I am Switzerland" attitude about the whole thing was kinda' odd. Now I realize that he's been through a lot and that she is his friend, but at the end of the day she is just some hippie chick who likes to hang out with some other girl's husband, while you are his wife. Honestly, I would have expected him to tilt a little more in your direction on this rather than leaving it completely on your shoulders to work it out. Why should you have to work out anything with her? She is not the one who took care of him when he was sick, you are. She is not the one sharing his emotional and financial burdens and doing all of the other things that a wife does, you are. If he wants peace between the two of you, then at the very least he should reach out to her and ask her to make things right.

    Idk, but from my standpoint, the burden should be hers to make amends. And until she does so, IMHO you could very rightly insist that she stay away from you AND your husband.

    Anyway, the most important thing is that he is better. Good luck with everything that you are dealing with and I hope that his health holds up.
    Last edited by rickdugan; 01-29-2012 at 02:24 PM.

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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    Idk, but from my standpoint, the burden should be hers to make amends. And until she does so, IMHO you could very rightly insist that she stay away from you AND your husband.
    THIS, times a thousand. I would have zero qualms about cutting someone off for this behavior, especially if she wasn't my friend in the first place. There's no law that says you have to tolerate that kind of behavior from people just cause they're your husband's friends. And I know that if a friend of my husband's pulled this stunt and talked to me like that, he would also have no qualms about talking to them at the least, and probably cutting them off, especially if it's just a female friend. I would honestly be pretty upset if my husband didn't have a problem with a friend of his doing this.

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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    I'm not going to lie y'all, I really downplayed how much it upset me. He's still very, very tired and trying to run his club at the same time. He was still required to work most of his shifts when he was really ill, and now that the worst has passed he's working 70 hours a week again. When he isn't working, he sleeps about 75% of the time. I'm trying to pick and choose my battles at this point and upset him as little as possible. He did acknowledge her poor choice of words and that it would have upset him as well, but Jade and loveshooks nailed it on the head: this girl has never had anything bad ever happen to her, leads a fluffy rainbows and sunshine life, and reacted badly. I don't think the magnitude of what I was saying really sunk into her little gumdrop coated skull.

    When I have lunch with her, I'm going to grill the shit out of her and really drive my point home. I'm sure a lot of y'all know this about me, but I have an EXTREMELY bad temper. I'm very quick to cut people off, and don't really care about how badly I hurt someone as long as I get my point across and/or "win". Probably the best adjectives anyone could use to describe me are "volatile" and "unpredictable". I am NOT saying that what Annie did/said was right, but this year I'm trying to get a better grip on my temper. If the lunch goes badly you had better believe I'm going to tell my husband every little shred of play by play and insist he take further action. But for the moment, I don't see any point in forcing him to cut someone off who A) he sees infrequently at best B) he used to be close to several years ago and C) has been friends with for nearly a decade.

    You guys are all awesome. It's nice to know I'm not totally batshit for freaking out on her ass. I'm going to wait for the lunch date and for now, focus on healing my husband. <3

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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    Strength..

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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    Can I be devils advocate for a moment? Its possible that she really didnt mean it in the way you took it...along with communicating through text and how things can come out the wrong way, it just may be her personality to not know the "correct" or "acceptable" thing to say.

    I say that because, I tend to be that way. My best friend of 23 years still has to remind herself and think twice before she reacts to things that I say sometimes...*especially* in text or email when she cant hear my tone of voice...she knows that I love her and we are family, and she has to think of it in that way, that Im not a mean or spiteful person, so whatever Im trying to say to her isnt in a mean or spiteful way. Now, if I do say something that hurts her feelings, she just lets me know it and makes me aware of how Im coming off...that helps me reflect and word what Im trying to say in a different way, cause the last thing I want to do is hurt her. But I can tell you, it took *years!!!!* lol

    But anyway, yeah...when theres a stressful or highly emotional situation going on, my personal way of handling it is to think positive, good vibes, all of that. Because the second I let go of that, I fall apart into a useless mess, and that never helps anything. And I dont want someone I care about to fall into a mess, so I try to remind them to think positive. So really, when someone Im close to is in a bad situation, I try to help them handle it the only way I know how to handle my own problems...in other words, Im telling them the same thing I tell myself to help me through things. That method of course isnt going to work for everyone, but I honestly and truly do mean well.

    And to be honest too...when we first were friends, and she would want to talk about what happened, I would really be clueless...I had no idea what she was so upset about, I wasnt telling her anything I wouldnt want her to tell me. So well, now we have it worked out, she gives me the tough love I need "suck it up, drive on, youll be fine, everthing will be okay if you just keep your chin up!" and I try really hard to be sensitive and just listen.

    Anyway, just wanted to offer that insight...I mean, if she is his friend, odds that she is taking his situaiton lightly and being cruel about it are not too big. It just may be how she was personally dealing with it, and in her minds eye, helping you by telling you what helps her. And telling her to apologize for that would probably leave her at a loss like it did me when my friend was mad at me for doing the same thing. Jeez, I hope that all made sense!!

    About your question though (finally getting around to that lol) I would have told him too. And it seems he knows her personality, what she said didnt seem to phase him. But its better he knows how you feel, because then seeing how she is his friend, he may talk to her and approach her in a way that lets her know how what she said affected you, might make her aware to be more cautious about how she says things to you. That you are more sensitive than she is, and maybe not know her as well as your hubby does, you may approach her in a way that could put her on the defensive and make everything worse. Anyway....Ive babbled enough lol
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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    Quote Originally Posted by BlkSharpie View Post
    Can I be devils advocate for a moment? Its possible that she really didnt mean it in the way you took it...along with communicating through text and how things can come out the wrong way, it just may be her personality to not know the "correct" or "acceptable" thing to say.

    I say that because, I tend to be that way. My best friend of 23 years still has to remind herself and think twice before she reacts to things that I say sometimes...*especially* in text or email when she cant hear my tone of voice...she knows that I love her and we are family, and she has to think of it in that way, that Im not a mean or spiteful person, so whatever Im trying to say to her isnt in a mean or spiteful way. Now, if I do say something that hurts her feelings, she just lets me know it and makes me aware of how Im coming off...that helps me reflect and word what Im trying to say in a different way, cause the last thing I want to do is hurt her. But I can tell you, it took *years!!!!* lol

    But anyway, yeah...when theres a stressful or highly emotional situation going on, my personal way of handling it is to think positive, good vibes, all of that. Because the second I let go of that, I fall apart into a useless mess, and that never helps anything. And I dont want someone I care about to fall into a mess, so I try to remind them to think positive. So really, when someone Im close to is in a bad situation, I try to help them handle it the only way I know how to handle my own problems...in other words, Im telling them the same thing I tell myself to help me through things. That method of course isnt going to work for everyone, but I honestly and truly do mean well.

    And to be honest too...when we first were friends, and she would want to talk about what happened, I would really be clueless...I had no idea what she was so upset about, I wasnt telling her anything I wouldnt want her to tell me. So well, now we have it worked out, she gives me the tough love I need "suck it up, drive on, youll be fine, everthing will be okay if you just keep your chin up!" and I try really hard to be sensitive and just listen.

    Anyway, just wanted to offer that insight...I mean, if she is his friend, odds that she is taking his situaiton lightly and being cruel about it are not too big. It just may be how she was personally dealing with it, and in her minds eye, helping you by telling you what helps her. And telling her to apologize for that would probably leave her at a loss like it did me when my friend was mad at me for doing the same thing. Jeez, I hope that all made sense!!

    About your question though (finally getting around to that lol) I would have told him too. And it seems he knows her personality, what she said didnt seem to phase him. But its better he knows how you feel, because then seeing how she is his friend, he may talk to her and approach her in a way that lets her know how what she said affected you, might make her aware to be more cautious about how she says things to you. That you are more sensitive than she is, and maybe not know her as well as your hubby does, you may approach her in a way that could put her on the defensive and make everything worse. Anyway....Ive babbled enough lol
    This exactly what I was thinking after I cooled off. I sincerely appreciate your reply- I got a lot from it.

    Edited to say: By the way y'all, I REALLY left the ball in her court. I told her that I wasn't going to chase after her, and she should let me know when she was ready to work this out. So if she doesn't call me, fuck her. This is an exercise in effort as far as I'm concerned.

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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    This exactly what I was thinking after I cooled off. I sincerely appreciate your reply- I got a lot from it.

    Edited to say: By the way y'all, I REALLY left the ball in her court. I told her that I wasn't going to chase after her, and she should let me know when she was ready to work this out. So if she doesn't call me, fuck her. This is an exercise in effort as far as I'm concerned.
    Awe! Im happy I helped in some way! And you know, just keep in mind, if she really is anything like me, she may not be aware there's a ball...or a court. Know what I mean? And while youre upset and saying fuck her, she may really have no idea why you dont like her and so upset with her.
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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    Quote Originally Posted by BlkSharpie View Post
    Awe! Im happy I helped in some way! And you know, just keep in mind, if she really is anything like me, she may not be aware there's a ball...or a court. Know what I mean? And while youre upset and saying fuck her, she may really have no idea why you dont like her and so upset with her.
    Duly noted. I made it pretty clear though. I was like "I'm still extremely hurt, and I'm sure you are too. I think we need to talk. You let me know when you're available to discuss this and I will make the time.". I'm trying to keep my communication with her really clear.

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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    Until you see then cut..

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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    I don't think you overreacted. Honestly she sounds like a dumb hippie, and I hope no one takes that the wrong way. I consider myself sort of a hippie but I can't abide by people who are so insensitive to people's feelings because they're trying to have "positive energy" or whatever. You reached out to her in your time of need and said something very heartfelt and she reacted callously.

    I don't see why it's so important that you make amends with someone who your husband doesn't even know that well or spend that much time with. And as for his reaction, I would NOT be happy with a friend of mine saying that to my significant other if I was ill. I mean what the fuck?

    Glad to hear your husband is getting better.
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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    Quote Originally Posted by noelle View Post
    I don't think you overreacted. Honestly she sounds like a dumb hippie, and I hope no one takes that the wrong way. I consider myself sort of a hippie but I can't abide by people who are so insensitive to people's feelings because they're trying to have "positive energy" or whatever. You reached out to her in your time of need and said something very heartfelt and she reacted callously.

    I don't see why it's so important that you make amends with someone who your husband doesn't even know that well or spend that much time with. And as for his reaction, I would NOT be happy with a friend of mine saying that to my significant other if I was ill. I mean what the fuck?

    Glad to hear your husband is getting better.
    She kind of annoys me, I don't understand her at all but aside from the BS she's always been pleasant. My husband used to be a lot closer to her, and frankly the only reason I wanted to make up with her is to avoid any awkwardness if she invites us out and he accepts or something. She invited us to a party in November and we were honestly there like 30 mins before my husband "got called into work" (always a great excuse, haha!) and we left. I wanted to clear the air too just in case she decided to blow it out of proportion and be like OMG SHE WAZ SO MEEN TO MEEEEEE! Not that my husband wouldn't take my side but it's to avoid the drama. I'm really trying to be more open and accepting and not get so annoyed these days... figured approaching her was a step in the right direction.

    Update though; she hasn't approached me since I put the ball in her court. Nor has she called my husband or emailed or anything. So I guess we can all see what sort of "friend" she ultimately is. She's really caught up her own world, so at this point I don't even care anymore. I have no patience for the truly clueless.

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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    I'm with Annie for many reasons.

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    Ok. So as some of you may have gathered, my husband was very, very ill last month. He was so sick the doctors were initially not optimistic, and I was truly convinced he was going to die. I was so convinced as a matter of fact, I called his best friend (who I am also very, very close to) and bawled my eyes out, asking him what I should do if my husband were in fact to die. It was that bad. Thankfully he is recovering, and is up to his old tricks again . His doctors are very optimistic even though he has to go get blood drawn every 2-3 weeks for a few months now.

    My husband has a friend up here, I'm going to call her Annie. Annie and my husband have been friends for eight or nine years, though they hadn't hung out much in the last six or so because she lived in WA and he lived in LA. Annie is very much a hippie chick. She and I get along well, although we have virtually nothing in common. My husband only hangs out with her like once every 6-8 weeks, usually with me but will go out for a drink with her if I'm working. That isn't the problem.

    The problem is I felt close enough to Annie that during one of the darkest days, I texted her and said "I am really scared he is going to die". She texted me back with this gem:

    "Adjust your attitude. Negative energy isn't good for healing."

    WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. ADJUST MY ATTITUDE?????? The conversation went exactly like this (copying from my texts):

    Me: "....you're kidding me right? Never mind."
    Annie: " I am not being harsh."
    Me: " I think it's ok for me to be upset and worried when my husband is yellow, weak, throwing up, bleeding from the mouth, peeing brown and in terrible pain. Adjust my attitude? I was coming to you for support."
    Annie: "I do support both of you. I am worried about him too. I have had him in my thoughts and prayers since you told me. I just believe jumping to the worst possible scenario in your head before knowing what is going on isn't mentally healthy for anyone, no offense."
    Me: " Whatever. I said I was AFRAID. Because I look at him and it scares the shit out of me. Because he isn't getting any better. I'm hoping for [diagnosis #1] because it's the best case scenario but it's only natural for me to be TERRIFIED when literally the ONLY PERSON you have as a family member is very ill."
    Annie: "I am sorry you're going through this. It is a very scary situation. You both will conquer this. I have faith."
    Me: "Whatever."

    I know I over reacted. I know I over reacted because of stress. I plan on apologizing to Annie. But should I mention this whole exchange to my husband? I mean she is his friend and I don't want him to find out I flipped out on her from someone else.

    Thanks in advance.

  35. #22
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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    Sorry if I'm opening up old wounds, but I just happened across this.

    First, I'm glad to hear things are getting better with your husband. I haven't really been following the situation closely, but I do try to make mental notes when something big is happening with a community member who is as active as you are.

    As for the issue with Annie- I think you're both wrong, but only accidentally. As one of those "fluffy, flaky hippies", I personally believe that she gave you the "right" response with the WRONG wording. Unlike physical communication, where 70% is body language and 20% is vocal tone, text responses only convey 10% of the message and therefor wording is highly crucial. A better response would have been something like- "We're all scared when some one we love is hurting and we don't know what to do but, instead of stressing yourself even more, try to think positively and make the very best of every day you have together. Positive energy is good for healing the spirit and the body." And, obviously, your fault in the situation was overreacting, which is perfectly normal for some one who was/is in your situation after recieving a poorly worded message that sounded insensitive.

    Also, as some one else pointed out, there is a very real possibility that she doesn't know the court even exists, much less that you've passed the ball to her. As some one with an apparently similar personality, I usually don't. If something slips out the wrong way and a friend becomes angry, then proceeds to dismiss me with "Whatever" while I'm trying to explain myself, the automatic reaction for me is to back down and let them cool off to avoid further conflict. It's not about who's up to serve the ball on the court, it's about avoiding an unnecessary fight. Usually, when some one comes back later with "let's talk about that" as the reason for talking again in the first place, it's because they're still upset and the whole endeavor is probably going to be sour. So I think the best bet, if you really want to salvage this, is to just resume talking to her again when you feel ready to. Once you've conveyed that you're not angry at her anymore, she'll probably be more open to talking about the whole mishap and clearing the air (but try to have that conversation face to face)

    On a side note, I kinda disagree with Rick (not sure, but I think that might be a first). I think the "I am Switzerland" plea was the appropriate one to come from his corner. While the conflict arose from discussing his ill health, it was between you two adult women and ultimately had nothing to do with him. His relationship with you apparently isn't affected by this incident, nor is his friendship with her. I think he did the right thing by objectively saying "you two had a misunderstanding between yourselves and it's up to y'all to fix it." In the way he said things, according to your quotation from him, he put equal responsibility on both your and Annie's shoulders.
    I just think the way Rick took the situation is a little more inappropriate than it seems to be. As I've grown older and friends have paired off, I've noticed that previous female friends have a tendency of falling off the radar when their male friends enter relationships. That, to me, is a sign that it wasn't a genuinely platonic relationship and they poof for the obvious reasons suitors lay off when their object of admiration gets attached. As the "fluffy hippie" in my social circle, I'm one of the few people that rarely lets gender affect my interactions with others, so I stay friends with my male pals when they date and try to become friends with their significant other too. If there's nothing that's inappropriate about their relationship and YOU aren't noticing any red flags, I think it's a little presumptuous to say things like "the woman who hangs out with another girl's husband" because, in my mind and probably hers too, she doesn't see him as "some one's husband" as much as she sees him as her friend. But that's just my two cents.
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    Default Re: Should I tell my husband his friend and I had a falling out?

    Thanks, Naida.

    She's aware of the court.. I've made about 4 attempts to tell her my schedule, and she always either backs out last minute or doesn't reply. I'm not ridiculously pissed at her any more, I just want the opportunity to smooth things over and make peace with her. She hasn't contacted my husband in about 4 months either, not even a call to ask how he was doing when he was ill.

    Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it.

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