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Thread: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    I don't think anyone NEEDS marriage... it's a question of WANT. I WANTED to marry my husband, but I certainly didn't NEED to.

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    Quote Originally Posted by GlamourRouge View Post
    Actually, marriage is very similar, in a way, to stripping/camming. Stripping & camming is fantasy, but often times the customer (male) does not realize it. Some do, some don't. Marriage- especially the vows, are kind of... in a way, roleplaying. You say something to the other person that you know isn't realistic, but you want it to be. Just like how the male strip club / cam customer often asks to date you or have sex with you or whatever he's looking for, and the stripper pretends like she'll give it to him even though she won't. Its fantasy. Some men know its not real, but they ask anyway. The stripper knows its not real, but she pretends anyway. Just like in marriage. The vows are just so unrealistic IMO. Promising to always give 110%, to never fight, to be the happiest ever, to only care about each other, to never divorce, etc.

    What's funny about this is that I feel like men are more realistic about marriage (its emotional) which is why many delay it or stay bachelors forever... yet in strip clubs, men are very unrealistic about want to date/hook up with a stripper (its sexual)... So almost, in a way, there could be a biological component to women wanting to marry (or have a partner at least).
    Maybe I'm in the minority but we didn't say traditional vows and our vows didn't include these sentiments.

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    Med..this is not a judgement against..& We know how you feel for yours. This is to the others that agree upon what for what?

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    I don't think anyone NEEDS marriage... it's a question of WANT. I WANTED to marry my husband, but I certainly didn't NEED to.
    Although I am single, I feel the same way. I'd love to marry "the one" and share the rest of my life with him. I don't need to rush into shit or be with just anyone either for shits and giggles. I don't ever want to divorce either.

    I can wait patiently for the partner where I can say, "this feels just oh so right". He has to feel the same too of course. I really want that. I'm ok with the idea if it never happens for me too.

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    Yeah, my husband and I got married because we love each other and we wanted to, not because we NEEDED to get married. Some people just aren't capable of serious long-term monogamy, and that's okay. The thing is, both partners need to be on the same page in those situations, and that doesn't seem to happen very often. They expect different things or want different things and can't or won't communicate those expectations effectively. Just because people get married and it didn't work out doesn't mean that MARRIAGE is obsolete or useless.

    Marriage works for us. If it doesn't work for other people, that's fine, but there's a lot of marriage bashing going on in this thread. I don't get pissy and tell people in open relationships or domestic partnerships that their choice of relationship is pointless and ineffective...please give me the same courtesy. I also think the idea that this technological age makes our relationship attention span shorter is ludicrous. If you can't keep feelings for one person because you got distracted by somebody else on facebook, that has nothing to do with marriage and everything to do with you personally.

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    NO bashing..reason for thought to Why...As we can see with the above & I trust your sentiment...Just don't do because.

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    Well no one *needs* to get married these days unless you're religious/traditional and honestly believe in it. Marriage doesn't really have the same benefits it used to. The question is more... why is that (or is it?) still the goal for some people & why it is fetishized in an unrealistic manner? And why do the older generations expect it for their offspring when its not really applicable to today's society? And marriage isn't "useless," it just doesn't serve the same purposes it used to because society was so different. Men couldn't get free sex (well unless they paid for it in secret). Women couldn't get a job (or it was looked down upon), so they had no other way of receiving income.

    There's no marriage bashing, its just people giving facts, opinions, and personal experiences. No one honestly cares what another person does with their life, and why should they? And the ones that do care... well, look things like gay marriage being illegal. It all stems back to strong religious undertones in values.

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    Quote Originally Posted by firemaiden04 View Post
    The thing is, both partners need to be on the same page in those situations, and that doesn't seem to happen very often. They expect different things or want different things and can't or won't communicate those expectations effectively.
    But what about when those needs change down the line, which commonly happens in this ever-changing world? And if those needs don't change, are you still growing as a person or have you become stagnant?

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    This where clear communication is key...If We both know & grow towards there shouldn't be problem...

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    -----
    Last edited by SweetPinkCupcake; 10-01-2012 at 05:40 PM.

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    This is beautiful...not the Diamond..if you Cherish the Diamond it will never happen...Think
    Last edited by unbeleavable; 01-31-2012 at 08:02 AM. Reason: just reread

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    Quote Originally Posted by unbeleavable View Post
    The topic was marriage I thought?.. But.. I have had some very good conversations about this topic of marriage with some women & the point of view that was raised was, how society programs little girls into a mind set of that being the Ultimate goal. Little girls dream of the wedding & all that comes with as little boys dream of the fast cars & careers? Now that women can have kids & careers without marriage why is there still pressure to tie the knot?
    My original post was somehow not posted as this site went online but here's what I posted and that is yes women are programmed at an early age that marriage is far more important than a career. In my family (and keep in mind my family aren't super traditional)the idea was I would get married so my parents aside money for a wedding instead of college. I ended up getting scholarships and whatnot but a career for me was a side thing. Little girls are told finding a husband is important, more than a career. Even though I am the most educated of all my relatives I am looked down upon for being single. At family events I get little comments like my fave game must be old maid. I avoid family get togethers mostly because of it.

    I hope to be married but there are certain aspects I hate about getting marriage. For example I despise women only bridal showers and find them demeaning so I would have a coed BBQ. I highly doubt I would change my name either.

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    sweetcupcake that sounds like utopia!! Sign me up!

    I live on the westcoast (socal) and i feel like that has something to do with me feeling jaded towards relationships and marriage. My sister's currently studying in Pennsylvania and she recently gave me several examples of sexy longterm monogamous relationships surrounding her.
    Last edited by LaurenAus; 01-30-2012 at 09:22 PM. Reason: gave it a little Hollywood tweak

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    Speaking of vows, some vows are very sexist depending on religion. For example the Catholic Church has pretty moderate vows where neither partner obeys and both promise to love honor and cherish. Several friends of mine married in a Baptist church (not sure which branch and I know they vary)where the bride had to promise to be submissive and keep house where the groom agreed to be the leader. I could never say vows like those.

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    My original post was somehow not posted as this site went online but here's what I posted and that is yes women are programmed at an early age that marriage is far more important than a career. In my family (and keep in mind my family aren't super traditional)the idea was I would get married so my parents aside money for a wedding instead of college. I ended up getting scholarships and whatnot but a career for me was a side thing. Little girls are told finding a husband is important, more than a career. Even though I am the most educated of all my relatives I am looked down upon for being single. At family events I get little comments like my fave game must be old maid. I avoid family get togethers mostly because of it.

    I hope to be married but there are certain aspects I hate about getting marriage. For example I despise women only bridal showers and find them demeaning so I would have a coed BBQ. I highly doubt I would change my name either.
    Kelly why do feel shunned at events?

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    because she is single. My sister feels the same way--she's about 10 years older than me and one of the only single gals left out of our relatives. She just doesn't feel marriage is for her and dreads having to explain that to every family member who will prolly get into her face about it.

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    Quote Originally Posted by unbeleavable View Post
    Kelly why do feel shunned at events?
    Only at family events and it's because I am single. To them I didn't do my "womanly" choice and find a nice guy so I am valued less than them. Oh boy do they throw it at me and it's gotten so bad I've left in tears.

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    I think different Kelly seeks Marriage...

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    Quote Originally Posted by LaurenAus View Post
    ...dreads having to explain that to every family member who will prolly get into her face about it.
    But why does that happen? Why does marriage have to be something you strive for and base your life around? Why, other than religion, do older generations push this notion on younger generations when the world is a completely different place now? What is their reasoning?

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    Value has nothing to do with Marriage as said in this conversation..These people should know this.
    Last edited by unbeleavable; 01-30-2012 at 09:54 PM. Reason: typo

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    I remember taking a sexual anthropology class which explained that statiscally speaking, from a biological standpoint the average couple was only meant to last 5 to 7 years(I hope that I remembered that correctly...) which is supposed to be enough time to reproduce and wean before seeking out another mate. Based off of this, which can of course be argued and I have no proof to support the above, I think the idea of being married forever and ever just goes against everything we were bioligically designed to do...my silly theory is that marriage was something that came about as a way for a particular society to verify that they were indeed civilized.

    Aside from this, in this super modern era I don't think marriage is absolutely necessary anymore. Hell, people don't even need the opposite sex in the flesh to procreate anymore, lol. So marriage has become a very personal decision based on wants instead of needs which is so ideal!

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    Quote Originally Posted by MyButter View Post
    I remember taking a sexual anthropology class which explained that statiscally speaking, from a biological standpoint the average couple was only meant to last 5 to 7 years(I hope that I remembered that correctly...) which is supposed to be enough time to reproduce and wean before seeking out another mate. Based off of this, which can of course be argued and I have no proof to support the above, I think the idea of being married forever and ever just goes against everything we were bioligically designed to do...my silly theory is that marriage was something that came about as a way for a particular society to verify that they were indeed civilized.
    That's the exact same statistic I was taught. I believe its true. Relationships are meant to last 5 - 7 years, but some are shorter, and some are longer, but majority fall in that range... or perhaps majority are even shorter than that on average now due to the distraction of technology & opportunity these days.

    I also read that, from an anthropological/biological standpoint once again, that the male the woman mates with is not suitable to be the male who provides for her & her family. The male with stronger genes (the mater) will not provide for any female, he will just mate & mate to spread his strong genetics because that's what he was designed for. The male with inferior genes (the provider) is likely not the woman's first choice, but the fact of the matter is that he will provide for her, so she settles until she moves on the the next provider.

    Marriage was originally designed to put forth order & control. Men got free sex whenever they wanted in exchange for providing the woman with resources & protection. Many couples were not happy together, but stayed together because it was deemed morally & socially wrong to be single and especially to divorce.
    Last edited by GlamourRouge; 01-30-2012 at 10:09 PM.

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    I've been married 3x and I was sure I was done with marriage after the last one. I don't need to marry him, it's because I want to, like Med said. No way is he going to have me being submissive keeping house. (He's messier than I am)

    I think if it's something you want, go for it.
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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    I'm really trying to take a step back and not get offended by the "free sex" comments etc BUT I'll give you my honest opinion.

    I got married the first time when I was 19. I loved my first husband, not in the way I love my husband NOW, but I can honestly say I did. I married him for probably three main reasons:

    A) I had a shitty abusive family situation and I wanted to GTFO as far away as humanly possible.
    B) All of my friends were fantasizing about weddings and engagement rings, and I wanted to be the one that "won" and got what they all coveted first.
    C) Stability. No more seeking, no more dating, no more uncertainty. I thought I could start building the life I wanted and this was how to do it.

    My first husband and I were married until I was 24. I can honestly say that the first 2.5 years were good. I am actually still casual friends with the guy. We got divorced because:

    A) We wanted different things. He wanted kids, I don't. These were not things that we had the foresight to discuss before we got hitched at 18 and 19.
    B) We grew apart. We had vastly different interests, were in vastly different industries, and purely and simply had nothing in common.
    C) I have serious adventure lust. I found that stability and routine is NOT what I need. It actually makes me depressed.
    D) His family was a bunch of nosy cunts. Everyone in my family is dead or estranged except my dad and I like it that way. I hate when families pry and want to know everything about you and how you're doing.

    My first husband wasn't even my ideal so far as looks or personality or ambition. I settled because of the reasons listed.

    Fast forward almost four years. I meet my current husband. Other than being madly in love with him, I married him because:

    A) We are compatible in almost every way: aspirations, interests you name it. I can be adventurous and he's right there with me doing the same thing. He's fucking awesome.
    B) He fits all of my ideals. He is to me, my all around perfect 10. And for my personal perfect 10 to ask me to stand up, make an emotional and not to mention legal promise to be with me and care for me to the best of his ability to me is an ultimate exercise in trust and commitment. My grandfather lived with his now-deceased GF for 30 years. She asked about it multiple times and he refused to marry her, because he didn't trust she was the right person and he could beat it any time he wanted. Believe it or not, that legal promise means a LOT to me.. and my husband agrees. We had a 7 minute ceremony. I still don't have an engagement ring because I told him not to worry about it. The wedding is ONE DAY- I think a lot of girls get swept up in that.
    C) This a more sentimental reason and it's difficult for me to put into words. I don't simply love my husband. I can't tell you exactly what it is I feel for him because it's too layered and complex. I look at him and I'm like 'That's my FAMILY". He's the only person I would ever die for. I married him because I wanted to give myself to him entirely and seal it up. I don't know how else to describe it. If I talk about it too much it makes me cry.
    D) Probably the only "business" reason: I wanted him to have complete and total physical custody over me if something happens. See my mother is a fucking crazy abusive maniac. I could see myself getting in a car accident and her popping up and trying to make decisions for me. I have a LOT of nightmares about this situation, especially since I haven't updated my restraining order against her. By getting married to my husband, I know he knows what I WOULD WANT and can execute my will entirely. I am so paranoid about this I drew up a legal document and had it signed by a notary. He is the only person I trust with my life, and I want ONLY HIM to make decisions by/for/about me if I am physically unable.

    So for me, it really had nothing to do with cultural norms etc. I understand a lot of people are raised with indoctrination, I'm lucky that I wasn't (my father is very much against anything remotely resembling indoctrination). The whole "provider" versus "mate" etc has nothing to do with me because I have no interest in mating for procreation and I don't see people in that way.

    This looks a lot less complex than it is in my head. I promise. I hope this made sense.

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    Default Re: Do Men/Women Need Marriage Anymore, Like They Were Brought Up To Believe?

    ^^
    Excellent post.Can't disagree with any of it.

    Until maybe 10 years ago I was very strongly anti marriage but seeing my grandmother failing and having my grandfather by her side was the main reason I realized I want this. I was luckier than most because I come from a stable household where my parents and both sets of grandparents were married (though I don't know if my other set of grandparents really loved each other). I don't have many divorced relatives in my family except for an aunt (dad's sister)and an uncle (mom's brother)but in both of these cases the divorce was justified (abuse and being financially abused)and both remarried great people.

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