Results 1 to 17 of 17

Thread: Need advice about an affair..

  1. #1
    Curious Guest
    Joined
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    2
    Thanks
    3
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Need advice about an affair..

    Hi Ladies.. so first let me start of by saying I am not a newbie or a troll, but based on the situation at hand and the embarrassment of
    the whole ordeal, I just wanted to stay on the dl for this one.


    I'm going to try to make this short as possible..


    My partner and I have been together for 8 years and have 2 small children together. We've been together since I was 19 and he was 22.
    I had been having this weird feeling that he was being unfaithful. women's intuition I suppose. I hacked his facebook.. which
    I didn't even know he had until I started snooping around on his laptop. I get in there, and bam.. the truth is staring me
    in the face. There were messages from multiple women, but one woman in paticular was saying how much she 'loved him', wanted
    him to move in with her, she would have a baby for him, and all this MESS. Apparently she thought I was just his 'baby mama' that
    he just so happened to live with or some shit I don't know how these birds think.


    Any case, this completely blind sided me and sent me into shock and rage. I confronted him about it immediately, and of course,
    his first instinct was to lie to me.. "no we were just talking.. we never slept together.." blah blah. I show him
    the proof and then it goes to.. "I only slept with her twice.." and he starts crying (which really.. I've never seen the man cry). Okay.
    I'm completely hurt. I feel like he betrayed me in the worst possible way. His excuse for this is that he thought
    I had oral sex with his cousin (who he's very close to.).. he did truly believe that I did this, because he tortured me for months on end trying to get me to
    admit to something I didn't do. He refused to confront his cousin about it when I told him that I never did that.. but whatever.. it was always
    a fight. He says the thought of this was driving him crazy as he really believed this was true, and now he feels like an asshole
    because he did end up confronting his cousin about this and figuring out that none of what he thought actually occured.
    I also found out that he was hiding a cell phone behind my back and talking to this woman.


    He says he doesn't care for her at all, that it was just a sex thing to try to make himself feel better and it didn't.. whatever.
    I'm not sure whether to believe that or not, because like.. wouldn't one time fucking her be enough? I just don't understand.


    I'm just torn and need some advice. I love this man. I've remained faithful to him for 8 years.. and we have an awesome
    sex life. Like, this man has not left me alone for one night in 8 years. I'm just so confused as to what to do now..
    what is real.. what the fuck happened here.. I am just all confused.


    I feel like I want to move on and get over it, and then other times I feel like I could do way better than him.I want to remain
    in the relationship because I do love him, and I love our family being a whole. But he's cheated on me in the past when
    we first got together. I pretty much forgave him for that because we were both young, and not in a serious relationship
    until I got pregnant.


    He was faithful to me (as far as I know) for 4 years. But this affair has taken an extreme toll on me. I feel like..
    what did I wrong? how could he do this to me? should I trust him again? should I stay with him? Would I be able
    to handle seeing him with someone else if I did leave? Why did he do this to me? Does he really love me? Am I
    not satisfying/attractive enough? Just everything.. all at once. I feel embarrassed beyond belief, because I feel like his
    friends and some family members knew and didn't say anything to me. In fact, I know he told at least one of his
    family members on facebook that he was going out to basically fuck some 'hoe' and that he hopes I kick him out and
    all this other shit. But then when the truth surfaces, he's begging me, and is sincerely apologetic (like I said,
    he's done this before and his apology seems legit).. he has apologized to me and talked to me about the situation
    every time I've wanted to.. which is also something that he did not do in the past. He also wants
    to push our wedding date up.. (yes.. we WERE engaged up until this point for the last 3 years.) But when it all boils down I just
    do not want to feel like a fool for staying with him, and I'm honestly not sure if I'll be able to get over this because
    it has completely taken away all of my self-esteem that I had in the relationship.


    I just want some advice from the strong women that I've come to love here.. because I'm feeling completely shook, confused, sad, angry, and every emotion except the good
    ones right now.

  2. #2
    God/dess firemaiden04's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2008
    Location
    NY
    Posts
    2,652
    Thanks
    3,054
    Thanked 2,005 Times in 903 Posts

    Default Re: Need advice about an affair..

    So he's claiming that the only reason he cheated on you was because he was mad at you for something he thought you did and he wanted to get back at you and simultaneously make himself feel better? That's a really, really shitty way of dealing with a relationship problem. People fight in relationships. It happens. You can't go out and fuck someone else just because you're angry. You should be able to communicate about this. And it turns out that the thing he was mad at you about never actually happened? And it took him till after the cheating to figure this out? To me, that says that although he may use that as an excuse, the truth was that he wanted to fuck some other girl behind your back, so he did. And what's worse, he consistently lied to her, and to other people in his life, about you and his relationship with you in an attempt to make you look like the bad guy. And he obviously didn't come to you and confess. You caught him and he tried to deny it. That shows that this isn't even one of those situations in which someone made a mistake and felt terrible about it and confessed. He was actively hiding it from you. He had a secret facebook account, a secret cell phone, all in an attempt to hide the truth from you.

    He's apologizing because he got caught. To me, this situation is like the worst example of cheating. I honestly see nothing here that is excusable or forgivable. And the fact that you feel you've lost all your self-esteem in the relationship bodes very ill for the future. Because he will do it again, I have no doubt. And the fact that you found out about this behavior and didn't leave him for it means you are REWARDING his behavior, as far as he's concerned, so now he's learned exactly what he can get away with.

    To me, this situation is irreparable. I love my husband very much, but if I found myself in the situation you are in, I would not hesitate in leaving him. He lied to you, he lied about you, he cheated on you, and then he tried to justify it by accusing you of some wrong. He is not relationship material.

  3. The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to firemaiden04 For This Useful Post:


  4. #3
    Banned
    Joined
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Colorado!
    Posts
    6,053
    Thanks
    3,775
    Thanked 3,701 Times in 1,713 Posts

    Default Re: Need advice about an affair..

    I'm going to make sure I have all the facts straight here:

    8 yr relationship, 2 little kids.
    Thinks you cheated with his cousin, you did not. He finally believes you but didn't for a very long time.
    Other woman thinks you are just baby mama and he was single.
    He has a secret cell phone.
    He has in fact slept with her.
    You believe him to be faithful for 4 of the 8 years. I am under the impression this is not the first affair.

    This is a huge bundle of knots to unravel.

    I am going to be totally honest here and say if my husband cheated in a "fuck up" situation ONE TIME I'd probably work it out with him. Like if he got really intoxicated and kissed someone, or got a blow job. I think I'd be way less mad about the blow job and than the kissing. I digress- what I COULD NOT forgive him for would be sending emails saying "I love you" or otherwise with serious emotional content. Physical is one thing; not saying it's right at all... but emotional is a whole other can of worms.

    Chances are, if your relationship survives it will never be the same. Even if he earns your trust back, he will never earn it back entirely. And he won't deserve to have it back entirely. I completely understand you saying you love him and part of you wants to work it out. I also understand why you feel embarrassed, and degraded. I think these are all normal. It's probably harder with kids involved. (Is he a good father?) Fact of the matter is, you can't marry this guy right now, maybe not even a year from now.

    Right now your relationship is at total ground zero. You can either walk away and build elsewhere, or you can try and salvage the site and try to rebuild. I think both of are of equal difficulty in different ways. You need to decide which has more pros vs cons for you and your situation. I'm not going to tell you to leave or to stay, but ultimately what you need right now is a support system to help you pick up the pieces and assemble them in the way you see fit, with or without him.

    I know this might seem disjointed but I really hope it helped in some way.

  5. #4
    Member r2468's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    51
    Thanks
    73
    Thanked 56 Times in 21 Posts
    My Mood
    Lurking

    Default

    I am not one of the ladies.

    Multiple cheating, concealment, denials, attempts to blame you.

    I struggle to see the foundations of any ongoing relationship here.

    I can see this situation being repeated.

  6. The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to r2468 For This Useful Post:


  7. #5
    Curious Guest
    Joined
    Feb 2012
    Posts
    2
    Thanks
    3
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: Need advice about an affair..

    I don't think the other woman thought he was single. Actually, I think she was looking at him like she was going to 'save'
    him from the horrible relationship he was in with me. From what I saw, he tried to tell her he lived by himself but
    I guess she wasn't THAT stupid that he wasn't calling her/seeing her every day for her to figure out he was actively involved.

    From what he says he was just playing her to get into her pants because he didn't/couldn't/it was easier online pick up a
    random ass bitch from a bar and just have a one night stand. He says I'm reading too far into it, and it 'wasn't what
    it looked like.' What I don't understand is why he would continue to want to be with me if he wants to have sex with
    other women? Why couldn't he just tell me about it or talk to his cousin and figure out the truth instead of running
    around and deceiving me? I agree with firemaiden when she says that he just wanted to fuck someone else and is using
    that as an excuse. That's exactly what I told him.. but he disagrees.

    He is a good father and we also own a home together (but it is in my name). Our relationship has always been up and
    down, but regardless of him cheating on me earlier into the relationship, we moved forward as a couple because I got pregnant..not the best
    excuse I know.. but at the time I believed we loved each other enough to have our child.. I was young and stupid.

    So now I feel like I am basically stuck. I feel hopeless because, even though this sounds so shallow..I don't want to be a single mom.
    It's also like I have to accept the fact that so many men ARE going to cheat, why even waste my life getting hurt by man after man
    searching for just one that is decent?

    I also feel like maybe I should just cheat on him back! There's just so much on my mind right now, and it's literally been driving
    me crazy for a solid month. I've been crying every day for a month. I think he honestly felt like he could get away with it,
    and would have never said a word to me about it. Now I am questioning everything about our relationship. I guess weighing
    out the pros and cons is what I'll have to do some more of.. I am definitely not looking at things rationally this moment.

    I really just have no clue and feel so completely lost.

  8. #6
    God/dess Vyanka's Avatar
    Joined
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Cash-Stack-istan Island
    Posts
    14,704
    Thanks
    6,564
    Thanked 11,625 Times in 3,697 Posts
    My Mood
    Angelic

    Default Re: Need advice about an affair..

    FireMaiden put it down to a T.

    If you ask me, walk away and leave. You don't deserve that kind of treatment, first of all. Second, there are plenty of good men out there who would gladly sweep you off your feet. Not every man is a cheating piece of shit.

    Move on. The relationship is toxic. Find someone else better who will give you the respect you deserve....when you're ready. Right now, you need to heal and focus on yourself.
    Last edited by Vyanka; 02-04-2012 at 02:31 AM.

  9. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Vyanka For This Useful Post:


  10. #7
    God/dess firemaiden04's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2008
    Location
    NY
    Posts
    2,652
    Thanks
    3,054
    Thanked 2,005 Times in 903 Posts

    Default Re: Need advice about an affair..

    From what you just said, he is obviously continuing to deny and lie about the situation. He got caught cheating, not even just one time but in the long-term, and he is still unable to be completely honest about it...he's continuously lying and claiming that "it's not what it looks like." He fucked someone else. Multiple times. And lied to her about his situation with you. How is that not what it looks like? He can continue to attempt to downplay what actually happened, and it sounds like he's one of those guys that will somehow eventually work his way around to convincing you that you're blowing things out of proportion, or that you're to blame. My ex was just like that.

    I wouldn't worry too much about her role in this situation...it doesn't matter if she knew he was lying or not; if he hadn't fucked her, he'd have fucked someone else. And I also wouldn't go cheat on him yourself...that's not the answer, and it won't make you feel any better, and it will only make any existing relationship you have with this guy worse. Because THEN he can be like, "Oh, you cheated, and your cheating was different than what I did, it's your fault, you're the one hurting this relationship!" and so on.

    Nobody WANTS to be a single mother. Sometimes it just turns out that way. Any guy that's this untrustworthy doesn't deserve to be in your life. I don't have kids, so I can't really relate to this from experience, but I can say that I would rather kick him the fuck out and deal with everything by myself.

  11. The Following User Says Thank You to firemaiden04 For This Useful Post:


  12. #8
    Senior Member
    Joined
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    160
    Thanks
    9
    Thanked 58 Times in 38 Posts

    Default Re: Need advice about an affair..

    When guys get caught some of them lie like a rug and he is one of them. This has nothing to do with his cousin, the other girl, or anything to do with you. He is throwing every lie he can at you hoping that something sticks, don't believe any of them, just like he was telling the other girl whatever he had to to get in her pants. Some guys are able to seperate and compartmentalize sex, love, and relationships, some women can also. That is what he is doing and I suspect has been doing. If you love the guy, feel you want to put this back together, and want your child to grow up with both parents than I would suggest some type of interaction with a professional. If you don't get a pro involved and try to move on your feelings will simmer forever and he will just feel like he has dodged another bullet and will lay low until the urge to play again overrules his fear of the possible concequences. Don't fall for any of his BS stories, or anything that says it is partly your fault . Im not telling you what I think you should do, just giving you a guys perspective on his behavior.

  13. #9
    Featured Member Laurisa's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Doesn't Matter
    Posts
    1,969
    Thanks
    649
    Thanked 1,823 Times in 587 Posts
    My Mood
    Confused

    Default Re: Need advice about an affair..

    As a mother I understand your desire to stay with your children's biological father, I really do. I struggled with this at a tender, young age and I moved out into an apartment with almost no money and started stripping immediately with my 6 month old son. It was so hard, and I struggled wondering if I was doing right. I worried my son would resent me later and think I was a bad person or that his step dad was trying to replace his biological father. My son turns 2 this week and things are going great. His step father is in the US Army, has great values, and is a good role model--he's a hard worker. We live in a beautiful condo (that is in my name only, so my son and I are taken care of), we're engaged to be married, we're planning on having a child next fall, and his biological father and I get along fine and have even celebrated holidays together. I'm graduating college in May and I'll have a steady job with benefits, overtime, and a consistent paycheck.

    There was infidelity in my son's father's relationship with me. I had an affair and left him because the relationship was devastated by his control issues and my ultimate infidelity in the last couple of months. I came forward and confessed to what I did, and left him because I knew it meant we could not be together.

    I'm trying to show you that my son and I are A LOT happier now than we ever would have been staying with his Dad. His Dad lives in the same apartment I lived in with him two years ago, he still struggles with money, he hasn't had a relationship since I left him, and I believe he's still a generally suspicious/controlling/bitter person toward romantic partners. He's a great Dad though so we settled visitation outside of court and it's worked out beautifully. There have been bumps along the road, but my son is happy and loved and that's all that counts. He gets four full days each week with me (no work, no school) while his Dad works and then we switch so I can work and attend classes. He's never been to a day care and is always in the care of his parents or grandparents.

    Take the first step and do what is right for you. Your kids will be happy as long as you are happy. A "broken" household will eventually turn into two loving, extended families with step parents and possibly more siblings. It turns into a beautiful situation as long as you remember to always be amicable for the children, don't use them as pawns, don't try to rape him for every dime he's got, and keep the lines of communication open. Two years from now this will seem like the perfect solution.
    If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.


  14. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Laurisa For This Useful Post:


  15. #10
    Banned
    Joined
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    11,037
    Thanks
    1,891
    Thanked 5,124 Times in 3,086 Posts

    Default Re: Need advice about an affair..

    Not to derail but Laurisa I had no idea you were engaged and pregnant or graduating college. Congrats on all of that and sounds like you are really improving your life. I remember the issues you had earlier and happy things are working out for you.

    OP, you need to get your life together and you deserve better. This man will do it again and probably has without you knowing. I have known many cases where the woman found out about her man cheating and then found out it was a constant thing. He will do it again. I'm sure you are attractive and it's not your fault, it's his for being a cheater. Also, this will not be a popular thought but he does think of you as only a baby mama. If he didn't you would be married or at least engaged and I don't see any comments where this is the case. I realize not everyone believes in marriage but in almost every case I know with two kids the man didn't think of his girlfriend as wife material and often married the next woman. Way too many women make this mistake and it saddens me.

    If you are only staying because you don't want to be a single mom or because all men cheat those are terrible excuses. There are far worse things than being a single mom, like having a terrible boyfriend and no not all men cheat.

  16. #11
    Featured Member Laurisa's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Doesn't Matter
    Posts
    1,969
    Thanks
    649
    Thanked 1,823 Times in 587 Posts
    My Mood
    Confused

    Default Re: Need advice about an affair..

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    Not to derail but Laurisa I had no idea you were engaged and pregnant or graduating college. Congrats on all of that and sounds like you are really improving your life. I remember the issues you had earlier and happy things are working out for you.

    OP, you need to get your life together and you deserve better. This man will do it again and probably has without you knowing. I have known many cases where the woman found out about her man cheating and then found out it was a constant thing. He will do it again. I'm sure you are attractive and it's not your fault, it's his for being a cheater. Also, this will not be a popular thought but he does think of you as only a baby mama. If he didn't you would be married or at least engaged and I don't see any comments where this is the case. I realize not everyone believes in marriage but in almost every case I know with two kids the man didn't think of his girlfriend as wife material and often married the next woman. Way too many women make this mistake and it saddens me.

    If you are only staying because you don't want to be a single mom or because all men cheat those are terrible excuses. There are far worse things than being a single mom, like having a terrible boyfriend and no not all men cheat.
    I am engaged and graduating in May, but I'm not pregnant now! My son turns two this week and we're planning to have another child next fall! So we'll be getting pregnant next year, not now! Sorry for the confusion.

    I'll be an emergency medical technician this May.
    If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.


  17. #12
    Featured Member
    Joined
    May 2011
    Location
    Miami
    Posts
    1,529
    Thanks
    2,260
    Thanked 2,276 Times in 730 Posts

    Default Re: Need advice about an affair..

    removed
    Last edited by lokikola; 11-14-2012 at 07:04 AM.

  18. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to lokikola For This Useful Post:


  19. #13
    Banned
    Joined
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    11,037
    Thanks
    1,891
    Thanked 5,124 Times in 3,086 Posts

    Default Re: Need advice about an affair..

    Quote Originally Posted by Laurisa View Post
    I am engaged and graduating in May, but I'm not pregnant now! My son turns two this week and we're planning to have another child next fall! So we'll be getting pregnant next year, not now! Sorry for the confusion.

    I'll be an emergency medical technician this May.
    That makes sense. I was thinking that you were already pregnant. It's nice to see how well things are turning for you and how far you've come. Good luck on your new job and everything else.

  20. #14
    God/dess ManyRoses's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    3,103
    Thanks
    1,297
    Thanked 7,598 Times in 1,955 Posts
    Blog Entries
    8
    My Mood
    Breezy

    Default Re: Need advice about an affair..

    Its a really tough situation to be in - I can understand those ladies who are in favor of ending the relationship entirely, but I can also sympathize with not wanting to throw away a good relationship.

    From what you are saying, it sounds like this is not the first time that he has cheated, and that would be a big issue for me. It also sounds like he was not engaging in the odd one-night-stand, or that he happened to meet someone and things happened naturally. It sounds like he intentionally set up a profile to find women to cheat on you with. That's a HUGE red flag. The fact that he was having an emotional as well as physical affair is another issue - sex is one thing, but saying "I love you" is another beast entirely.

    I would not even consider moving forward without some couples counselling. If I were in your situation, I would put the relationship on a "hold" for a while. Ask him to move out (stay with a friend, maybe) and go to couples counselling to see if you can rebuild the relationship at all. Obviously, the rules of monogamy would still apply 100% while you are in a working out phase...It might give you a chance to see what life would be like without him (being a single mother isn't all bad) and to make use of some distance to evaluate the situation. Then, if you think that you guys can make it work, thats fine. And if you can't, well, then you have made that decision after a long, guided exploration of your relationship, and not just as an emotional reaction.
    I take cash, debit or credit. I just don't take shit.


    OnlyFans.com/ScarlettMoore

    Follow me on twitter! @MissScarlettM

    Hear me ramble about random things:

  21. #15
    God/dess Vyanka's Avatar
    Joined
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Cash-Stack-istan Island
    Posts
    14,704
    Thanks
    6,564
    Thanked 11,625 Times in 3,697 Posts
    My Mood
    Angelic

    Default Re: Need advice about an affair..

    ^ No disrespect to anyone, but what good relationship?? It started off bad. It's just bad all around. :-/

  22. #16
    God/dess Trem's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    2,958
    Thanks
    1,714
    Thanked 3,253 Times in 1,343 Posts
    My Mood
    Angelic

    Default Re: Need advice about an affair..

    Quote Originally Posted by betrayed View Post
    It's also like I have to accept the fact that so many men ARE going to cheat, why even waste my life getting hurt by man after man
    searching for just one that is decent?
    Why the hell waste your life with one who you already know is not decent? why do you think you need another man in the first place? You could go grab any man of the street and there would at least be the possibility that he would not be a complete asshole, staying with the one you are with now means that possibility is ZERO.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

  23. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Trem For This Useful Post:


  24. #17
    Moderator Optimist's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2004
    Location
    House of Aion
    Posts
    8,074
    Thanks
    7,881
    Thanked 5,705 Times in 2,127 Posts
    My Mood
    In Love

    Default Re: Need advice about an affair..

    Quote Originally Posted by betrayed View Post
    I don't think the other woman thought he was single. Actually, I think she was looking at him like she was going to 'save'
    him from the horrible relationship he was in with me. From what I saw, he tried to tell her he lived by himself but
    I guess she wasn't THAT stupid that he wasn't calling her/seeing her every day for her to figure out he was actively involved.

    From what he says he was just playing her to get into her pants because he didn't/couldn't/it was easier online pick up a
    random ass bitch from a bar and just have a one night stand. He says I'm reading too far into it, and it 'wasn't what
    it looked like.' What I don't understand is why he would continue to want to be with me if he wants to have sex with
    other women? Why couldn't he just tell me about it or talk to his cousin and figure out the truth instead of running
    around and deceiving me? I agree with firemaiden when she says that he just wanted to fuck someone else and is using
    that as an excuse. That's exactly what I told him.. but he disagrees.
    How about he's just playing you to get you to stay and keep his nest warm and reputation intact until he upgrades. I'd be working on my exit strategy if I were you. This guy's morality is atrocious.

    Quote Originally Posted by lokikola View Post
    Being a single mother is hard. Really fucking hard. But it is better than being with a cheating asshole who blames me for anything and everything (including the cheating). I'm a much happier person now. Just my experience.
    And it's easier than contracting a disease or finding he has another baby on the way, financially straining you more than ever.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

Similar Threads

  1. Virtual Love Affair?
    By MissEgo in forum Camming Connection
    Replies: 326
    Last Post: 02-09-2012, 10:41 AM
  2. Geisha Affair
    By SexxySadie in forum Other Work
    Replies: 18
    Last Post: 02-03-2012, 10:37 PM
  3. Geisha Affair
    By SexxySadie in forum Camming Connection
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 05-31-2011, 08:18 PM
  4. John Edwards Had An Affair.......AND?
    By Optimist in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 08-08-2008, 01:41 PM
  5. Question about an affair...
    By PorschaM in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: 02-04-2007, 10:54 AM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •