Results 1 to 23 of 23

Thread: Am I crazy?

  1. #1
    God/dess papillonluvr's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2006
    Location
    japan
    Posts
    3,724
    Thanks
    315
    Thanked 1,186 Times in 703 Posts
    My Mood
    Goofy

    Default Am I crazy?

    So this is gonna be a bit long. I'll try to keep as brief as possible. And guys' opinions are welcome.

    Big question is if this is abuse, or what.

    Husband irritates me with his laziness. I have to nag him A LOT ( I can't emphasize that enough) to get him to do the simplist thing like wash the dishes or vacuum. He will leave our daughter's cups sitting in the sink for a week. So I yell and nag and get VERY angry with him for this because among other things, mold grows in the straws and no-spill part. But it's not just the dishes. He makes me late or run behind on many things because he won't get off the couch or computer.

    We'll get to fighting so bad that I will try to just leave the house for bit. At this point, he makes things physical by retraining me, bending my arms and wrists into joint locks, or pushing me around or intimidating me. But he hasn't actually hit me and only once left a bruise, but because I have wacky joints it HURTS. I will retaliate at this point, but for the past 3 years I have not hit him etc first. Only in defense/retaliation to get away. He says I make him do it to keep me from leaving. I will scream at him and yell. So maybe I verballly abuse?

    IDK, I've been raised to think every little thing can be abuse.

    God, writing this makes me think it really is. But in reality, idk, it seems kinda inconsequential after the fact and kinda stupid too. But right now he is doing the same thing. Restraining me to try and kiss me to make up, when I just want him to leave me alone. He says I'm wrong about it and I'm crazy with a short fuse to my temper and the smallest thing sets me off and I should just forgive him. But this isn't the first time, far far from it.

    Am I crazy? Is this abuse? Do I really goad him into it?

    If this wasn't me, I'd be telling the poster it is abuse and to get counseling. I've tried counseling. I hate it and the military counselors suck.
    "You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories -Stainslaw J. Lec

    Confuscius say: "Man who pull bra stap get bust in face"


  2. #2
    Featured Member JoJoX's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    1,698
    Thanks
    1,351
    Thanked 4,248 Times in 1,017 Posts
    My Mood
    Psychedelic

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    You are not crazy, this is abuse. He also seems to think youre the one who owes him an apology, that is manipulative and thats what abusers do, manipulate - he is trying to make you feel crazy which led you to this post. dont second guess your value, what he is doing is abuse. he expects you to do all the work, he puts his hands on you and tell you youre the one who needs to apologize?? all wrong.

    this might escalate into something more. this relationship is not beneficial for you at all- he is not doing his part and as of now, this is a one way street. he needs to get his shit together- it is def not you.

    how long have you been with him? do you speak up? do you tell him he is abusive and is walking all over you?

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to JoJoX For This Useful Post:


  4. #3
    God/dess ManyRoses's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    3,103
    Thanks
    1,297
    Thanked 7,598 Times in 1,955 Posts
    Blog Entries
    8
    My Mood
    Breezy

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    Honestly, from this description, I would DEFINITELY call it a horribly unhealthy relationship, and one that you should try to get out of.

    If you are both going at it, (You say you haven't hit him "first" - are you hitting him then?) yelling and getting physical, either you are BOTH being abusive, or neither of you are. In either case, it sounds like a pretty abusive relationship on both sides.

    You shouldn't have to be yelling and screaming and nagging your husband. You shouldn't have fights so bad that you have to leave the house on a regular basis. Yes, all couples do fight, and yes, sometimes it is a good idea to take a break from a fight and clear your heads. But that is not done in a storm-out way, but with you saying "this is getting nowhere, I would really like to just step outside for a bit and calm down so we can talk about this properly".

    As for counselling - there isn't any point in trying to be counselled into being happy in a bad relationship!! If you mean couples counselling, well, it is always worth consideration, but it needs commitment from both of you.

    I've been in a miserable abusive relationship, and the only advice that I can give (and that I can't say strongly enough) is LEAVE. Now.
    I take cash, debit or credit. I just don't take shit.


    OnlyFans.com/ScarlettMoore

    Follow me on twitter! @MissScarlettM

    Hear me ramble about random things:

  5. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to ManyRoses For This Useful Post:


  6. #4
    God/dess papillonluvr's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2006
    Location
    japan
    Posts
    3,724
    Thanks
    315
    Thanked 1,186 Times in 703 Posts
    My Mood
    Goofy

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    Well we've been together for 7 years. And I do strike back-to get away.

    I have been diagnosed as having a mood disorder. So I think that contributes to me having a short fuse and going a bit nuts. But then again, he himself says I have to nag him to do anything, so it's like a trigger.

    I think I make it sounds worse than it is, but when it's happening it seems horrible, but after it seems trivial.

    I've seen really abusive relationships, and mine doesn't seem that way. Maybe it's like a milder abuse?

    And yeah I do leave the house in a storm to get away. I thought most couples fight like that....
    "You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories -Stainslaw J. Lec

    Confuscius say: "Man who pull bra stap get bust in face"


  7. #5
    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2010
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    4,570
    Thanks
    4,406
    Thanked 7,481 Times in 2,715 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    If you are trying to leave and he physically restrains you by "bending your arms and wrists into joint locks, or pushing you around or intimidating you" then there is a real problem. There is nothing inconsequential or trivial about it - he is keeping you there against your will and it is a form of manipulative control, as is his bullshit after about how you are the one who has the problem. You shouldn't have to scream, yell and hit him just to get him to leave you alone. I have no doubt that it feels horrible when it is happening and it should.

    I was going to go further, but I already see you starting to rationalize why it might not be such a big deal, so I'm going to stop now. In all candor, I believe that at least some part of you knows how unacceptable it is, or else you wouldn't be on here asking these questions, but IMHO you don't seem to be ready to confront him or do whatever else is necessary to put a stop to it.

    Anyway, just my

  8. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to rickdugan For This Useful Post:


  9. #6
    Banned
    Joined
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Colorado!
    Posts
    6,053
    Thanks
    3,775
    Thanked 3,701 Times in 1,713 Posts

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    deleted.
    Last edited by mediocrity; 06-17-2012 at 05:14 AM.

  10. #7
    Veteran Member
    Joined
    Nov 2011
    Posts
    336
    Thanks
    456
    Thanked 423 Times in 167 Posts

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic...es_effects.htm

    The physically restraining part is definitely disturbing. Counseling. Please. Even if it's just you for now. They can best advise you with professional advice.

  11. #8
    God/dess papillonluvr's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2006
    Location
    japan
    Posts
    3,724
    Thanks
    315
    Thanked 1,186 Times in 703 Posts
    My Mood
    Goofy

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    I told him next time he does it, I'm calling the cops on him.

    I also said when we get to Japan we are BOTH going into therapy, or I'm out.

    I can't just up and leave right now. Everything is on it's way to Japan, I have little savings, and our daughter. But I also told him if he won't go to therapy with me, I'm leaving. So therapy in Japan it is (although I'm very skeptical about the therapists on base. I've never had a good or useful experience with counselors on a military base).

    Anyways, that our plan as of this morning.
    "You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories -Stainslaw J. Lec

    Confuscius say: "Man who pull bra stap get bust in face"


  12. #9
    Veteran Member The_Ecdysiast's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2011
    Location
    DMV
    Posts
    215
    Thanks
    240
    Thanked 111 Times in 61 Posts

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    No, there is nothing 'normal' about this type of behavior at all....And he's done it hard enough to leave bruises??? O_o It may not seem like much now, but RARELY do abusers start off with the throwing punches & breaking rib cages...they start with things like shoving, restraining, manipulation, etc then escalate, so do take this very seriously.

    I have a friend going through something similar as far as abuse, but unfortunately her situation has escalated to him throwing punches, choking, and her drawing a knife on him...yet still she stays, and is now pregnant by the douche *sigh*.

    His laziness is totally unacceptable as well...If I were you, I'd stop nagging and just stop doing everything for him...just worry about the things pertaining to your daughter and you, and make Mr. Slob fend for himself.

    I agree with those who say you need time apart, and DO go to counseling - even if it is just for YOU. This is a very toxic & unhealthy relationship. You & your daughter shouldn't be susceptible to this type of environment, and you shouldn't be doing all of the work on your own.

  13. The Following User Says Thank You to The_Ecdysiast For This Useful Post:


  14. #10
    God/dess
    Joined
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    7,964
    Thanks
    6,155
    Thanked 10,183 Times in 4,602 Posts

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    He has no right to lay his hands on you without your permission. If he is restraining you against your will, it is abuse.

  15. #11
    Featured Member
    Joined
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Enceladus
    Posts
    1,315
    Thanks
    1,145
    Thanked 1,567 Times in 673 Posts

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    He sounds like he isn't putting any effort into the relationship...I mean, it is completely unfair for him to not help out at home. Imho, it doesn't matter if someone leaves marks--if they are crossing any personal boundaries and are aware of it then it is abusive.

  16. #12
    God/dess Kisca's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2010
    Posts
    2,447
    Thanks
    1,403
    Thanked 1,534 Times in 805 Posts

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    I dont think your communicating witj him proplerly... nor is he. Dont yell/nag him or leave the problem when you want things done. Sit him down, talk to him about the duties - do your half, and he'll do his half. You two need organzied and order. Based on both your actions.. you seem you need to communicate/express the problem better, and he needs to understand the problem and resolve it by talking - not by physical force. Seek a professional, was he always like this? did he get lazier over time - if so why? mental, work, relationship problems? Did you get worse throughout the relationship - do you yell more, do you help out less, do you always strom out during fights etc.. You two need to dicuss what happened and what is both troubling you and both resolve the problem on both sides not just one,

  17. #13
    God/dess papillonluvr's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2006
    Location
    japan
    Posts
    3,724
    Thanks
    315
    Thanked 1,186 Times in 703 Posts
    My Mood
    Goofy

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    Kisca, I agree. We both have our problems. We sat down and came up with some solution that we feel will work in our situation. I pray they do work.
    "You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories -Stainslaw J. Lec

    Confuscius say: "Man who pull bra stap get bust in face"


  18. #14
    Featured Member
    Joined
    May 2011
    Location
    Miami
    Posts
    1,529
    Thanks
    2,260
    Thanked 2,276 Times in 730 Posts

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    I am so sad to hear you are living like this. I know that it seems trivial after the fact but it really is not.

    The fact that your husband physically restrains your and hurts you in the process and then you say it only hurts because you have "wacky" joints is alarming. You also mention he overpowers you and tries to kiss you when you want to be left alone but that he only does this because you're trying to leave. This is very scary to read, you are letting him convince you that you are at fault for his behavior. We cannot control what others do but we can control how we behave ourselves, and your husband does not understand that.

    I must agree with you that military counselors are not very helpful.

    If anything, I recommend you see a female counselor.

    Most of the time, if you even have to question whether something is abuse or not, it probably is.

    I don't think you should be afraid to get out of a relationship because you would then be alone with your child and without much. I know it is scary, but you can do it... going through something like this allows you to discover a well of power and strength within you that will just inspire you to keep going and face and destroy anything that gets in the way of you and your child's happiness. It's a tough road but rewarding.

    Please get help. A lot of active duty members are hesitant to get help from Mental Health because of clearances and the stigmatism behind it. But it is family first, then the job.

    Anyway sorry to be such a downer, but military life isn't easy and a lot of these issues are kept so hush-hush when they shouldn't.

    I wish you the very best, and I really want you to seek help through any means. PM me if you'd like.
    Last edited by lokikola; 11-12-2012 at 06:48 PM.

  19. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to lokikola For This Useful Post:


  20. #15
    Veteran Member livefast's Avatar
    Joined
    Aug 2011
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    297
    Thanks
    519
    Thanked 185 Times in 99 Posts
    My Mood
    Relaxed

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    Throughout this entire thread all you have done is blame yourself and made excuses for his horrible behaviour.

    I hope your situation gets better.
    Many of the obstacles you once imagined are not even there.



  21. #16
    Featured Member lifetravelergirl's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2010
    Location
    On your regular's lap.
    Posts
    779
    Thanks
    1,156
    Thanked 758 Times in 304 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    The thing is when you nag someone they are even less likely to do what you want them to do.

    So in a sense you are creating more of what you don't want. This situation is difficult, because you can't change other people, you can only change yourself. So you have to either figure out how to make him want to please you or maybe quit your job, stop cleaning and cooking and let the place spiral into ruin. Then maybe he will start picking up his share of the load. You could have married someone who isn't like him, but you didn't, you married him. So it is up to you, divorce him, let the place fall into ruin, maybe live with your parents for a while, I don't know. I do know the nagging will only make things worse. There are books on this kind of thing.
    Smoking fetish guys need you to use real cigarettes ...
    Quote Originally Posted by AureliaC View Post
    Because they want it to slowly kill you, it's 90% of the appeal lol

  22. #17
    Featured Member sexy_celeste's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Melbourne Vic, Perth WA
    Posts
    1,190
    Thanks
    306
    Thanked 108 Times in 71 Posts

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    Quote Originally Posted by livefast View Post
    Throughout this entire thread all you have done is blame yourself and made excuses for his horrible behaviour.
    Agreed! This is not a sign of a healthy relationship
    Theres no sense crying over every mistake,
    you just keep on trying till you run out of cake

  23. #18
    God/dess
    Joined
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    2,066
    Thanks
    440
    Thanked 1,844 Times in 779 Posts

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    abusers choose partners they can successfully abuse ie "i have a mood disorder and so i know this is my fault"
    run for your life and for your daughter's. going to japan will isolate you further, which is ideal for an abusive relationship.

  24. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to camille27 For This Useful Post:


  25. #19
    Veteran Member
    Joined
    May 2011
    Location
    Newport Beach/Austin
    Posts
    218
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 156 Times in 72 Posts
    My Mood
    Aggressive

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    I will say this as a male, who teaches people to fight for a living, and only going by your side of the story.

    Yes it's abusive. No matter how much you nag him (ladies, relentless nagging is unbelievably annoying for the record) there should be no point where he should physical or mentally hurt you unless you were physically endangering him.

    What is more worrying is you making excuses for him. Don't justify it. Your daughter's life and YOURS should be decisive factors in decision making. The right decision doesn't mean it's the easy one. BTW my mom has been in an abusive relationship (Not my father. He's a great guy) and stayed in hers because of me, as an adult now, I wish she thought of herself more because it's had physical and mental reprocesses on her later.
    Last edited by The_Adict; 02-28-2012 at 03:43 PM.

  26. #20
    Featured Member GlitterBexie's Avatar
    Joined
    Oct 2009
    Location
    South Wales, UK
    Posts
    876
    Thanks
    180
    Thanked 453 Times in 206 Posts

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    Whether you have a mood disorder or not, if he hurts you physically when you are attempting to get away, it is abuse. You are trying to get away from a situation, he is stopping you by hurting you. If your personal way of coping is by removing yourself from a situation to calm yourself down and he is preventing that then you cannot blame yourself. All couples argue but when it becomes physical then you need to do something about it, whether that be getting away from the relationship completely, or by seeking couselling.

    You cannot blame yourself for him hurting you. He is making a choice to restrain you, anyone would as you put it "fight back" he is only perpetuating your anger by holding you down etc. I have a mood disorder, it gets worse when i am stressed, when i was isolated and in a very stressful situation i had a complete nervous breakdown and ended up very nearly being sectioned because i had lost all control and had no concept of coping strategies.

    If a relationship cannot be controlled by conversation and communication it isnt healthy. He should understand your condition. It took a long time for my other half to understand why i got so perplexed and upset when he would make me late, i have a schedule in my head which i like to stick to, unexpected things would really throw me off balance. He makes considerations for me, and i make considerations for him. It has to come from both sides in order to work as a normal healthy relationship.

    When i went to counselling they taught me this...when a partner says "You make me do it/you deserved it/it was your fault/it was for your own good" when something has hurt you it is abusive. If you find yourself making excuses for him, regarding his behaviour or his manner to other people, or you cut yourself off from other people to avoid explaining his behaviour, is is abuse. Being disrespectful to you, and i dont mean calling you horrid names during an argument or whatever (althought this is abuse) i mean like you say, not getting off his arse to contribute to the relationship or general cleanliness, basically making you do the housework, not listening to you or responding to your requests, this is abuse.

    Destructive behaviour only perpetuated destructive behaviour. Dont be a victim. xxxxxxx
    ''I love fake boobs''
    ''They're not fake! I grew them myself!''

  27. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to GlitterBexie For This Useful Post:


  28. #21
    Featured Member
    Joined
    Aug 2011
    Posts
    1,881
    Thanks
    3,026
    Thanked 3,426 Times in 1,229 Posts

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    I used to have the joint thing done to me. The bastard would put his fingers in the joints in my wrists, spacing them out till I couldn't move from the pain. My wrists are still damaged.

    So... yes, this abuse and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.

  29. #22
    God/dess papillonluvr's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2006
    Location
    japan
    Posts
    3,724
    Thanks
    315
    Thanked 1,186 Times in 703 Posts
    My Mood
    Goofy

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    We're doing a lot better now, and have started some couples counseling.
    "You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories -Stainslaw J. Lec

    Confuscius say: "Man who pull bra stap get bust in face"


  30. The Following User Says Thank You to papillonluvr For This Useful Post:


  31. #23
    Moderator Optimist's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2004
    Location
    House of Aion
    Posts
    8,074
    Thanks
    7,881
    Thanked 5,705 Times in 2,127 Posts
    My Mood
    In Love

    Default Re: Am I crazy?

    Here's hoping for the best!!
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

Similar Threads

  1. Heavenly bodies, Crazy horse too, Crazy girls
    By ShellyBElly in forum Club Chat
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 01-07-2007, 05:35 PM
  2. Heavenly bodies, Crazy horse too, Crazy girls
    By ShellyBElly in forum Club Chat
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 12-31-2006, 06:55 PM
  3. Heavenly bodies, Crazy horse too, Crazy girls
    By ShellyBElly in forum Stripping (was Stripping General)
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 12-31-2006, 05:52 AM
  4. Am i crazy or was she crazy?
    By KOIFOOL in forum Customer Conversation
    Replies: 28
    Last Post: 02-21-2005, 12:24 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •