Results 1 to 12 of 12

Thread: Husband thinks I'm having an affarir.

  1. #1
    Member
    Joined
    May 2011
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    45
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 23 Times in 14 Posts

    Default Husband thinks I'm having an affarir.

    Never mind, I deleted most of the post.
    I know I'm a fuck-up. Thought i'd get some advise or support on my lifelong depression, low self esteem, or stupidity or something on how to not be a fuck up. Despite the many stories from cammers, porn stars, those who fuck on the first date and others who do stupid shit, it's Ok to make a mistake as long as you aren't married.
    Thanks for the responses though, they were honest and unhelpful
    Last edited by RaRa; 02-16-2012 at 06:01 AM. Reason: Didn't realise it was the local church group.

  2. #2
    Member
    Joined
    May 2011
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    45
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 23 Times in 14 Posts

    Default Re: Husband thinks I'm having an affarir.

    Well bugger. I was hoping for a hug or something
    Anyways we had a talk. I couldn't really say much other than remind him that I was a "professional cock teaser" and in a private message to someone I know well some of the things I say are probably not what you would expect your average housewife to say, and yes some of the stuff we wrote was out of line. I apologized for upsetting him and admitted that what I had said in the messages was inappropriate and hoped he would realise that talking shit is not doing shit and a lot of what he read sounded awful when read out of context and without the back story (running jokes etc) I also pointed out that if i was up to no good i wouldn't have left 2 years of messages on my facebook which was protected with a pissweak password we both use and i also I have it written down near the computer.
    Anyways he is sticking by me, is very unhappy but believes me. He also apologised for reading my personal messages.
    I have the most amazing husband. I doubt I could have been so wonderful if the situation was reversed and because of that I thought my marriage was rat shit.

  3. #3
    Featured Member vivianbear's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Southern CA
    Posts
    1,507
    Thanks
    555
    Thanked 2,238 Times in 572 Posts

    Default Re: Husband thinks I'm having an affarir.

    Sooo.... you let some seedy photog lick your boobs in the strip club and hang out with you naked and you're curious why your husband may think you're cheating on him? Really?

    At the very least, you need stronger boundaries, physically, with other men. Just sayin'.
    "SS=stripper shit, in the same spectrum as CS=customer shit, which is within the spectrum of SaS=sales shit, which is all contained in the universe of BS=bullshit." -- Jay Zeno (mod)

    "Show me a hot chick and I'll show you someone who's tired of fucking her."






  4. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to vivianbear For This Useful Post:


  5. #4
    God/dess firemaiden04's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2008
    Location
    NY
    Posts
    2,652
    Thanks
    3,054
    Thanked 2,005 Times in 903 Posts

    Default Re: Husband thinks I'm having an affarir.

    Yeah...I read this earlier, and thought about it, and initially I was like, "No, I shouldn't be judgmental." But you know what, I constitute what you did as cheating. My rule is I would never do anything in a lap dance that I would be angry about my husband getting from another dancer, and I would be fucking FURIOUS if I found out he was sucking on some girl's tits in a private dance, and I sure as hell would never let another guy do that to me. I don't care if it was in a lap dance and you got paid for it, it is cheating. It's not like you're an escort or a porn star and that activity is just a normal part of your job description and your husband knows the deal--you're a stripper and a model, and that's not what strippers or models do. And any photographer that gets NAKED during a shoot is a sleazebag, I don't care if it was on a nude beach or not. That's so fucking unprofessional. And this is the same guy you let suck on your tits when he comes to see you at work? That's pretty majorly fucked up. Why do you let this happen? Did you honestly think this behavior was acceptable or expected? At the very least, you have a major problem with boundaries--at the worst, you have no respect or regard for your marriage. And your thing about how the relationship obviously wasn't going that good because he was looking for guilty shit--well, there WAS guilty shit, wasn't there?

  6. The Following User Says Thank You to firemaiden04 For This Useful Post:


  7. #5
    Banned
    Joined
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Colorado!
    Posts
    6,053
    Thanks
    3,775
    Thanked 3,701 Times in 1,713 Posts

    Default Re: Husband thinks I'm having an affarir.

    My husband is really laid back, but if I did that stuff he would flip the fuck out. Rightfully so. You may not have had an affair per se, but you did cheat and disrespect your husband.

  8. #6
    Featured Member vivianbear's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Southern CA
    Posts
    1,507
    Thanks
    555
    Thanked 2,238 Times in 572 Posts

    Default Re: Husband thinks I'm having an affarir.

    Quote Originally Posted by RaRa View Post
    Never mind, I deleted most of the post.
    I know I'm a fuck-up. Thought i'd get some advise or support on my lifelong depression, low self esteem, or stupidity or something on how to not be a fuck up. Despite the many stories from cammers, porn stars, those who fuck on the first date and others who do stupid shit, it's Ok to make a mistake as long as you aren't married.
    Thanks for the responses though, they were honest and unhelpful
    You can be defensive but really, look at your choices. Many cammers, dancers and pron stars are married and have the same limitations and boundaries as every other couple in the straight world. We have open communication with our partners where we spell out every detail of how we have contact with co-workers on sets, how we dialogue with audiences on cam, and etiquette during face-to-face contact with customers, in the club. Its called having transparency and our partners are appreciative of our efforts. This is how sex workers in long-term relationships and marriages have healthy communication. The second part of that is we follow through, at our places of work with our boundaries. If I tell my partner that touching or licking or sucking isn't allowed in my club, I don't participate in touching, licking or sucking with my customers! If I tell my partner that I'm a nude model and I'll be nude on a beach during a shoot, I maintain that same boundary with whomever I'm shooting with! I can't say one thing and do another and get upset, should my partner discover I've been deceptive.

    You never once mentioned your "life-long depression" or low self-esteem in your original narrative. You just said that your husband discovered emails where you and a photographer describe acting inappropriately, without his knowledge. If you have poor self-esteem and that's why you let some guy suck your boobs, that's on you. If you act out sexually, due to depression, that's on you. Where in all of this, should your husband put up with your obviously skewed boundaries with other men?

    Don't blame those of us who try hard at maintaining healthy boundaries in our already difficult relationships for your lack, thereof.
    Last edited by vivianbear; 02-16-2012 at 01:55 PM.
    "SS=stripper shit, in the same spectrum as CS=customer shit, which is within the spectrum of SaS=sales shit, which is all contained in the universe of BS=bullshit." -- Jay Zeno (mod)

    "Show me a hot chick and I'll show you someone who's tired of fucking her."






  9. #7
    Member
    Joined
    May 2011
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    45
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 23 Times in 14 Posts

    Default Re: Husband thinks I'm having an affarir.

    I'm sorry for my hissy-fit. And it is correct that i didn't mention my self esteem issues- being depressed for most of my adult life and only recently allowing myself the time and money to fix it, and combined with my need to validate my worth with others were my way saying that. I thought about spelling everything out but I didn't want to write a novel, and I'm not a psychiatrist so i don't really know what my problem is. Maybe it's not poor self esteem, maybe i'm just a weak and pathetic character Also the rocky relationship with my man has include abuse, a mental breakdown, and mental illness/major dramas with a few members of the immediate family so there really was too much back history and it probably isn't relevant anyway beyond justifying my poor behaviour.
    I know I'm a porr excuse for a human being and didn't want to sound like i was trying to justify myself, which I probably was anyway. You have all made me realise that I need to do something about my self esteem, self worth. I guess I have learnt over the years that my only value as a human being is linked to being a skanky stripper. I turned to here because I know you all give some fantastic insights and advise and don't bullshit.

    I know i fail at pretty much everything. I let people walk all over me- it's 100% my fault i know, because if i don't value myself, then I can't expect others to value me as well. My husband was abusive for quite a long time and when i finally grew come courage (mainly because he started pushing the kids around, not because i thought I was worth better treatment) and stopped enabling his bad behavior and accepting the shitty treatment he did the one in a million thing and turned himself around. I need to take a leaf from his book and make myself a better person.
    So can anyone offer me advise on how to build up my self worth- esteem. I cant do any courses or work a normal job due to my other responsibilities (i've tried numerous times and failed), I have no friends, I don't have an education or skills. How do i get myself to have value beyond my abilities to be dirty with men? (which is a liability not an asset).
    Last edited by RaRa; 02-16-2012 at 02:24 PM.

  10. #8
    Featured Member sierra.'s Avatar
    Joined
    Aug 2010
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    904
    Thanks
    1,484
    Thanked 1,166 Times in 427 Posts

    Default Re: Husband thinks I'm having an affarir.

    I read your original post, but didn't comment because I didn't really have any advice for dealing with your husband.
    Anyway, I didn't really think any of what you did was that bad. Personally, I wouldn't have considered any of that cheating or expected my boyfriend to, but we have a really laid back relationship.
    I'm glad you guys are working it out. Good luck.

    hot flirting tips 2k13: tell him, “I’m not like other girls,” then pull down the secret zipper at the back of your neck to reveal your true reptilian form


  11. #9
    Banned
    Joined
    Nov 2006
    Location
    in the middle of a cornfield
    Posts
    5,119
    Thanks
    2,693
    Thanked 2,988 Times in 1,098 Posts
    My Mood
    Fine

    Default Re: Husband thinks I'm having an affarir.

    I'd say that if you have such low self esteem and lack of boundaries, etc... then sex work probably isn't your best bet. If your marriage means something to you then you should probably take a break. Your husband is most likely not going to trust you for a long time so you need to put forth the effort to prove that you are trustworthy and willing to make things better.

  12. #10
    Featured Member sierra.'s Avatar
    Joined
    Aug 2010
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    904
    Thanks
    1,484
    Thanked 1,166 Times in 427 Posts

    Default Re: Husband thinks I'm having an affarir.

    If you have the resources, I recommend talking to a professional counselor or psychologist.

    I have seen many, and sometimes it can take a few tries to find one who is right for you. I was fortunate enough to find one temporarily that I really clicked with, and it made such a huge improvement on my life even though I was only able to have a few sessions (I was away at school for the summer, she was the counselor there). This was a few years ago, but the impact that had on me has shaped my life since then in a profoundly positive way.

    Also, stop being so hard on yourself.


    ETA: If you need someone to talk to in the meantime, you can always PM me. I know we don't know each other, but I consider myself a pretty good listener and have gone through some similar things. Sometimes it feels good just to let it all out.

    hot flirting tips 2k13: tell him, “I’m not like other girls,” then pull down the secret zipper at the back of your neck to reveal your true reptilian form


  13. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to sierra. For This Useful Post:


  14. #11
    God/dess Trem's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    2,958
    Thanks
    1,714
    Thanked 3,253 Times in 1,343 Posts
    My Mood
    Angelic

    Default Re: Husband thinks I'm having an affarir.

    Quote Originally Posted by RaRa View Post
    I'm sorry for my hissy-fit. And it is correct that i didn't mention my self esteem issues- being depressed for most of my adult life and only recently allowing myself the time and money to fix it, and combined with my need to validate my worth with others were my way saying that. I thought about spelling everything out but I didn't want to write a novel, and I'm not a psychiatrist so i don't really know what my problem is. Maybe it's not poor self esteem, maybe i'm just a weak and pathetic character Also the rocky relationship with my man has include abuse, a mental breakdown, and mental illness/major dramas with a few members of the immediate family so there really was too much back history and it probably isn't relevant anyway beyond justifying my poor behaviour.
    I know I'm a porr excuse for a human being and didn't want to sound like i was trying to justify myself, which I probably was anyway. You have all made me realise that I need to do something about my self esteem, self worth. I guess I have learnt over the years that my only value as a human being is linked to being a skanky stripper. I turned to here because I know you all give some fantastic insights and advise and don't bullshit.

    I know i fail at pretty much everything. I let people walk all over me- it's 100% my fault i know, because if i don't value myself, then I can't expect others to value me as well. My husband was abusive for quite a long time and when i finally grew come courage (mainly because he started pushing the kids around, not because i thought I was worth better treatment) and stopped enabling his bad behavior and accepting the shitty treatment he did the one in a million thing and turned himself around. I need to take a leaf from his book and make myself a better person.
    So can anyone offer me advise on how to build up my self worth- esteem. I cant do any courses or work a normal job due to my other responsibilities (i've tried numerous times and failed), I have no friends, I don't have an education or skills. How do i get myself to have value beyond my abilities to be dirty with men? (which is a liability not an asset).

    You could start by not constantly putting yourself down.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

  15. #12
    Featured Member LaurenAus's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    1,361
    Thanks
    4,895
    Thanked 1,926 Times in 738 Posts
    My Mood
    Cool

    Default Re: Husband thinks I'm having an affarir.

    RaRa that's a good question and it's a long road you have to take with baby steps. My suggestions:

    1. take practical community college classes
    2. volunteering so you can feel useful and productive and needed in the community
    3. some businesses hold workshops that teach you skills. I found a local scientology church that has workshops
    four. writing down daily goals
    5. consistency in meeting these goals
    6. diet. I'm going to purchase wheat grass shakes someday soon that I can incorporate in green smoothies. They're filled with nutrients and after a few days of these you should feel less tired, burnt out, stressed, depressed, what really should be our natural state. There are also supplements to help with mental clarity, energy, depression, anxiety (gotu kola, B vitamins, l theanine, krill oil)
    7. local meetup groups that organize social functions. I'm sure there are people who are either new in town, or have friends who are so caught up in their own lives they don't make the time to hang out anymore. Google meetup groups.
    8. Find a hobby you can lose yourself in so you'll be focused completely on the present and not the future or the past.
    9. it's a work in progress. baby steps.

    I notice there are those who grew up in really supportive environments, don't hesitate to take chances, are secure in their skin and then there's us who for whatever reason or circumstances (distraction, family, or losing ourselves in others who are really just looking out for #1) haven't cultivated our confidence throughout the years and now have to play catch up. It's okay though.

Similar Threads

  1. Who thinks the recession is over ?
    By Eric Stoner in forum Dollar Den
    Replies: 18
    Last Post: 11-06-2009, 02:06 PM
  2. ok, so am I the only one who thinks this is bad form???
    By CherryonTop in forum Stripping (was Stripping General)
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 07-03-2008, 10:39 AM
  3. mum thinks i'm nuts
    By tinadancer4u in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: 06-09-2007, 04:05 PM
  4. Ugggggh, BF Thinks I Work Too Much
    By sc0101 in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 03-07-2007, 11:08 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •