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Thread: My fiance is adopted...recently found information about birth family that his Mom hid

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    Featured Member Laurisa's Avatar
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    Dizzy My fiance is adopted...recently found information about birth family that his Mom hid

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    Last edited by Laurisa; 10-24-2012 at 07:21 PM.
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    Member foxrc0310's Avatar
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    Default Re: My fiance is adopted...recently found information about birth family that his Mom

    wow... that is a lot for the two of you guys to deal with i'm sure, i'm so sorry that happened...
    obviously it was wrong of her to hide all that from him, especilly after he asked about it. mabey she was just trying to protect him and her good intentions just got inthe way??? thats the brightest way to look at it anyway.
    wait for him to cool off and all three of you,when she is in better health should sit down and both of you need to bring it up to her. she needs to know that she hurt both of you and if there's any chance that she DID have a good reason, atleast let her explain herself, (you guys are owed one.)
    if there is any hope of this not ruining your guys' relationship with her this NEEDS to be discussed, she is his mom and im sure you guys dont want to totally shut her out unless you have to.
    best of luck <3

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    Default Re: My fiance is adopted...recently found information about birth family that his Mom

    While she may have had a good reason to hide the info from him when he was younger (questioning his maturity to handle it at 15?) , it sounds to me like she wanted him to find the information. She tells him to look for a football bet on the very table where there just so happens to be the folder/envelope from EIGHT years ago with the information?? Really? She knew it was there and she knows it is gone. Yes, you had dinner with her and she stuck to her story but she was possibly surprised by the request and wanted to think about it without being blindsided. Laying in the hospital gives her time to think and she realizes he has matured, it can influence your family conditions and what you said over dinner had merit. She decided he can now handle it thus telling him to go look thru the very stack of papers where the super bowl bet is. I think she knew it was there, he would find it but did not want the one on one personal drama that it would cause. That it was a way for him to deal with the emotional moment without her being there to take any anger out on her.

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    Featured Member Laurisa's Avatar
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    Default Re: My fiance is adopted...recently found information about birth family that his Mom

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    Last edited by Laurisa; 10-24-2012 at 07:21 PM.
    If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.


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    Senior Member DMaribella's Avatar
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    Default Re: My fiance is adopted...recently found information about birth family that his Mom

    Wow, I don't have much in the way of advice to offer, but as an adoptee I want to offer support. I began searching for my birthfamily when I was 26- I had always wanted to, but it was a health scare that prompted me to step up my efforts. I was conscious of the fact that my adoptive mother might feel hurt or threatened by this, so my strategy was to gently tell her and invite her to help if she wanted to. She said she would love to, but the reality was she wasn't honest with me about helping me try and locate my adoptive father to see if he had some documents I was looking for. When I found out, I was really upset, and this was the last straw combined with some other issues that led to our being estranged from one another for the next twelve years.

    Because I live in a state that now has open records, I finally located my birthfamily four years ago. This gave me enough peace that I was able to reach out to my adoptive mother and reunite with her as well. I don't recommend anyone doing what I did, but while I think it is important to be sensitive to the feelings this may raise in adoptive parents, once the adoptee is an adult they have a right to information and to make their own decisions. I completely understand your husband's anger, my situation was not as extreme as his and I was outraged. I would say just give him lots of love and support right now, as you have been, and encourage him to take some time to think things through before confronting her, if that is what he wants to do. It might be a good idea for him to make contact with his birthfamily first (if he feels ready.) Maybe that will help. I didn't have that option when I was in my own similar situation.

    Here is some info about an organization that supports the rights of adult adoptees, but is open to all members of the adoption triad:
    http://www.bastards.org/index.html

    Best of luck in this difficult situation! Sounds like he is very lucky to have you.

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