Hi gang,
I'm really depressed right now. I went to a top college but I haven't held down a decent job in four years and I've been unemployed for a year. Part of the reason is that I have mental health issues where I have intrusive thoughts of people dominating my life and ruining it. They call me a slut and say I'm fucked up but when I agree in my mind to conform and stop sleeping around, they call me a boring conformist prude and then brag that they're sluts and free spirits and that I'm just jealous of them. There are lots of different ruminations, mostly about sex and gender but also about race. The overriding theme is being harassed into conforming. This, along with a lifetime of bullying and confronting sexism, has made me develop a deep hatred of society and normal people, which would make it difficult to function in an office environment. I forced myself to apply to 11 jobs last week, but I didn't have the energy to call back and follow up. I feel overwhelmed, because for example, I don't have any nice interview suits. I have a jacket but it's more of a summer jacket. I would just look like shit. I don't have professional clothes to wear to work. And I don't want to hit up my mom for the money for these clothes. Besides, last time I went shopping with my mom and my sister, it was a disaster. I'm small on top and big on the bottom, so there were no suits that fit me. We went to all these different stores and nothing fit me. We ended up buying some jacket with sleeves that were too long and a jean skirt that I felt didn't look professional at all. I felt so fat and ugly in those suits. There are at least 100 job applicants for every job I apply for, so I feel like what's the point?
Meanwhile, I think I would be much happier in the sex industry. I loved the few months I was a stripper. I don't hear voices in sexual situations because I feel like I'm with other outsiders. I feel protected by the men. I feel like the women are in no position to judge me a slut. I feel like I'm being myself. I feel free. My anxiety goes way down, which is why I watch so many sex shows and stuff. (Every time I leave the computer, the voices, then I come back and I'm focused). Plus a powerful feminist named Camille Paglia hypes it way up. She says strippers and prostitutes are pagan goddesses, shrewd hustlers who control the divide between nature and culture. She thinks they're superior to middle classed professional women, especially professors, who she mocks and ridicules. I know a lot of you don't like her because she supports the double standard, so I don't let her opinion have too much influence. But there are other things. I look way better in lingerie and sexy outfits than I do in suits. I feel much more comfortable in them. And I can wear whatever I want to and from the club, like sweatpants or something. I'm so relaxed I don't feel the need to drink, whereas I have drank during lunch at offices because of the boredom of the job and the tension that brings out the voices. I'm social at the club, whereas my hatred of mainstream society marks me as antisocial at work. So my dream in life is to be stripper, maybe an escort because that seems easier but it's also illegal.
The thing is, I feel like I totally suck at dancing and escorting. Men say I have the perfect ass, but my stomach is big. I don't know how to dance or put on a sensational show. I don't know a single pole trick. I'm not so great at seduction.
At the last club I worked, I never made more than $130 in one night.Of course I was leaving early and I was working on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, so that may have contributed. Besides, none of the girls there made more than $200 a night and they stayed till 2 am, whereas I left at 11pm. The club was a hour away and during down times when no one was there it was boring.
I have the opportunity to audition at an upscale black club closer to my house. The girls make up to $700-$1000 a night. That's almost $200K a year if they work four nights a week. Thing is, they're picture perfect, flat stomachs on big booties. They look really glamorous with French tip nails which I can't afford, jewelry, etc. I got my hair done so that's no problem. But they can also really dance.
There are other more practical reasons to do this. I need money ASAP, so I can't jump through interview hoops, buy new clothes, and keep getting rejected until the year is over. I'm willing to wait until I lose weight though, which will only take a few months rather than risking taking a whole year to find a normal job. This is an opportunity to make quick cash.
I could also go back to my old club if they'll take me. But what's the point of going all that way to dance for 2 people and leave with $80?
I could also turn tricks, I like sex even though everyone wants me to feel ashamed of myself. But the guys are meet are incredibly cheap. I hit up guys for sex, guys that are obviously not cops, but the guys who are obviously not cops are broke and most refuse to pay even $100.
Part of me thinks I could do the normal job thing and then just fuck for fun, then I would be like Samantha from Sex and the City.Meanwhile, normal people piss me off so much I feel like beating them up. Plus the intrusive thoughts.
tl;dr
Options:
-Work from home
-Work at a non-profit (where the dress code isn't strict)
-Audition at the upscale club soon, just practice a little and try
-Wait to lose weight then audition at the upscale club
-Start hitting up guys for sex, start a word of mouth chain (I'm not advertising online)
-?
I would appreciate insight and moral support.



Of course I was leaving early and I was working on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, so that may have contributed. Besides, none of the girls there made more than $200 a night and they stayed till 2 am, whereas I left at 11pm. The club was a hour away and during down times when no one was there it was boring. 
Meanwhile, normal people piss me off so much I feel like beating them up. Plus the intrusive thoughts.
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