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Thread: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

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    God/dess Athenathefabulous's Avatar
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    Thumbs down HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    **pls dont quote this because im deleting it fairly soon***

    ugh. ill try to make this succinct.

    anyway, i had a friend in cleveland who i used to be very close with. after i moved out we grew apart. and now he has moved down here to nola and is living with me and i regret my telling him that i would help him get off his feet down here and i feel like he is kind of leeching off my life. i dont really like hanging out with him anymore.

    these are my issues with him-

    1. over the summer, he owed me money from 2 yrs ago, and when i got to hong kong an atm ate my debit card and i had issues wiring money between my accounts. so i asked him to pay me back some of what he owed me and i got no reply at all, so i spent 2 weeks abroad with virtually no money (i survived thanks to some help from awesome strangers)
    2. he hasnt paid me rent money yet. when he got down here, he said he had some art project that he would get 1000 for after he submitted it. he got down here almost a month ago and still hasnt submitted it. i have seen him sitting around the house not working on it. he did manage to get done a different art project for 50$ but hhtat doesnt help me. i have nagged him abotu the 1000$ one but he has replied he 'needs time to contemplate.' im no artist, but i dont count spending time on facebook and reddit as 'contemplation'.
    3. he left the door ajar one night and the cat escaped. seriously, i came home to find an open door. i live in the french quarter. this was hte thursday before mardi gras. terrible time for a cat to roam around the quarter. i found her the next day but i am still livid about this.
    4. he took a while to get a job down here. its fucking easy to get a job in new orleans, esp before mardi gras. there was actually one time i came home while pedicabbing for a snack break and asked him if he was going to go out to find a job at night. his reply was he was too tired from walking. keep in mind that i was working a double that day on a bicycle. he finally did find a job as a door guy, i will give him this.
    5. the night he got back when we were shit housed we hooked up. but he came on to me. we first started to hook up, i stopped it and was like lets not continue this. then he came onto me again and we ended up sleeping together. partly my fault because i hadnt been laid for a month and was horny, but at this point im ashamed of it and i dont like having him around.

    he also just doesnt interact that well with my friends. the times he came out with us he just kind of tags along and hangs out on the sidelines. and im not pleased that cleveland has followed me down here. tomorrow he is interviewing with the pedicab company that i work for and i am hoping he doesnt get hired. so much that i am considering asking management not to hire him, which is really a backstabbing move. but he is hired with a different pedicab company which sucks ot work for, but he can still make his money. but i am thinking of telling management that i am going to kick him out and dont want the drama around. i know if he works with me he will end up hanging out with me and my coworkers all the itme which i really dont want. i kind of have my own thing down here and i feel like he is trying to leech on to my life.

    again, this is largley my fault to begin with for promising to help him get on his feet down here. and i feel like a jerk for not being loyal to someone who once upon a time was my friend because i am typically a very loyal person.

    i dont know what to do. im thinking of asking him to not interview with the company that i work for tomorrow. am i being as much of a cunt as i feel like? advice please.
    Last edited by Athenathefabulous; 02-26-2012 at 01:17 PM.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Veteran Member Kat w's Avatar
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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    You're not being a cunt, in my opinion. People change and their lifestyles change, you can still be a good and loyal friend ... just from a distance seeing as you and he have grown apart.

    Honestly, I would tell him everything and DON'T let him make you feel worse than you already do. Just lay your feelings on the line as nicely as possible, say that you like living alone and that you are in your own routine down here.

    As for my personal feelings, I would kill anyone who let my cat out and if you make the decision to work on comission as an artist you commit yourself to deadlines that might not mesh with your own creative process and level of satisfaction with the project and you need to get over it.

    Good luck!

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    God/dess Athenathefabulous's Avatar
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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    i think when i see him next im gonna ask him not to work with me. if he wont grant my request then ill talk to managers.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    This has been going on since last summer?

    From what I've read i think you've been more than loyal, you're basically supporting this guy and he is leeching off of you in every aspect. Sometimes it is hard to make these decisions but I learned recently that when a friendship gets to this point you really ought to speak up and make clear what you're unhappy with and why. If they are a good friend they will care and respond accordingly, if they flip out, its even easier that way because you just throw his lazy ass out and carry on with your fabulous life.

    Good luck, please do not let this drag out longer than it already has!

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    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    He is abusing your hospitality and generosity. It is really that simple.

    He is the one who has been a bad friend, not you. Loyalty is a two-way street. He has owed you money for a long time and, even after he never paid you back and left you high and dry in Hong Kong, you were still generous enough to help him get on his feet. And this is how he repays you? When exactly does he intend to save up enough to get his own place? How long does he expect to leech off of you?

    Now I understand that the hookups and whatever lingering attraction might still be there are complicating factors, but he has acted horribly and is abusing your kindness. IMHO it is long past time for him to man up and stand on his own two feet.

    If I were you, I would give him a very short time table to get out - something like two weeks. If he is motivated enough he should be able to scrape up enough by then to stay somewhere and, if he can't, then he can get his ass back to the airport and go back to wherever he came from or sleep on the street. IMHO his problems should no longer be yours.

    Good luck with this!

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    God/dess Athenathefabulous's Avatar
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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    he finally did repay the 200$ debt, but not till this fall after i returned to the states. the 200$ was from me helping him 2 yrs ago.

    there is no lingeing attraction which is why i am so disgusted that we hooked up. it was 100% not something i would have done sober and i considered him more of a brother type friend which is why i am so grossed out wtih the fact that it happened.


    i asked him to not interview at the pedicab company that im working at and he refused. im not pleased.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    Ah, you've been more than a good friend to him. Tell your co. not to hire him, fuck that! No, it is NOT a backstabbing move. I would also kill someone who not only left my animal in harm's way, but what if someone broke in/no walked in an OPEN DOOR & robbed you, or worse, during MG yet? He sounds like a lazy piece of crap to me. I would recommend along the lines of Rick D's. advice..DO NOT guilt trip yourself about you promising to help, you more than went out of your way, & he lags along til now, just now wanting a job where YOU work..uh uh, no. O, I just re-read, he works as a door guy, great, he's got something, time for him to go!

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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    You've done more than enough for him, imo. I hate fellow "artists" who act like they're sitting around waiting for a goddam muse. If you're going to try to make a living off of your art, you have to learn how to call those bitches at will. People who say they can only work when inspired are playing into some tortured artist persona and it's bs nine times out of ten. Sure, you can be distracted and not making anything worthwhile for months, but that doesn't mean it's okay to leech off someone who was nice enough to help you out. Maybe he's depressed or something, but imo, he definitely forfeited his right to pity when he pressured you into sex, if he hadn't before.

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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    You have gone above and beyond, and now he is taking advantage of your generosity.

    Time to cut the apron strings, baby needs to find his own way in the world.

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    Featured Member FiendishGyrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    Yup, you're more than justified asking management not to hire him.
    You're in a sticky spot though because he's there in your house until you can get him out.
    I'd be interested to hear what his response is going to be when you tell him he needs
    to move out in a week or two.

    If he's a bitch about it, I say, change the locks and leave his stuff out.
    He's the one who pushed for a hookup which in my mind is shitting where he eats--
    you did as well, but the thing is, it's YOUR place. he's there by your grace and he shouldn't
    have risked fucking that up. He put having sex above his friendship with you.

    You could always ask your landlord to type up something official, or fake an official warning
    about having extended houseguests without being added to the lease.
    Ungoogle yourself:


    Also, now offering phone sexins!

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    Veteran Member missykrissy's Avatar
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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    If I read this correctly he's NEVER paid you any rent?
    I would ask him to leave pronto.
    just on the cat thing alone, and I don't care what he says.
    Athena why do you feel the need to do anything for this guy?

    have a male friend acompany you and ask him for his keys, give him twenty minutes to pack up.
    This guy sounds like such bad news.

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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    me and my best friend kick each other out all the time. sorry, i just laughed, because "you left my door open during mardi gras and my cat ran away" is totally grounds for you-can't-stay-here-any-more. and that's its own explanation. because...he left your door open during mardi gras and your cat ran away.
    people change. sometimes, they can live with you, and then suddenly, they can't.

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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    He sounds like a shit friend. One you don't need.

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    God/dess Athenathefabulous's Avatar
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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    yea he is a shit friend. i explained that him working with me would be bringing negativity to my work place when i literally JUST quit a job that brought a lot of negativity to my life. apparently the message that i didnt want him working there didnt get relayed to hte proper manager because he got hired. not sure what i am going to do. step one would be to get management to retract their hiring of him. if not, i guess ill probably quit that pedicab company and go to a different one or go back to dancing or who the fuck knows.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    Quote Originally Posted by Athenathefabulous View Post
    yea he is a shit friend. i explained that him working with me would be bringing negativity to my work place when i literally JUST quit a job that brought a lot of negativity to my life. apparently the message that i didnt want him working there didnt get relayed to hte proper manager because he got hired. not sure what i am going to do. step one would be to get management to retract their hiring of him. if not, i guess ill probably quit that pedicab company and go to a different one or go back to dancing or who the fuck knows.

    Dont quit a place that you like because of one douchebag. Tell him he has x amount of time to find his own place. Then keep to that deadline, and kick his sponging ass out if he doesnt leave. The pedicab job sounds like a lot of work, not really something that he is suited for. That problem might work itself out. I wouldnt worry about losing this friend if it comes to that, this relationship seems one sided...no give and take.....just take on his end. He sounds useless. Time for him to learn some hard lessons.

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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    He is a predator, you are the prey. "If you look like food, you will be eaten."

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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    You're definitely not being a cunt. When you needed him to send you money that he owed you, when you were in Hong Kong, he let you down. I don't see why you would feel that you have any obligation to help him at all.

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    God/dess Athenathefabulous's Avatar
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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    i havent completely been the most awesome friend. yesterday when under the influence of some psychedelics i was able to wrap my head around this better. when i say it is largely my fault, i say this because i did encourage him to move down here and pedicab with me. however, i was NOT anticipating us to hook up and after we did, although i tried to ignore the problem, it was fucking weird. i asked him not to interview with my company after he got hired at the other company, although beforehand i did not tell him this. i also avoided telling him i was weirded out about us hooking up until this morning... i probably should have communicated this sooner and told him i didnt want him around earlier. i also wasnt anticipating him to be perfect with rent when he moved, and i did tell him that i would be lenient while he got on his feet. again, this is my fault, and i probably would have been lenient had i not been so grossed out by our hookup.

    it seems probable that he wont make that much doing this since he is not super personable. idk im still on the fence about what to do. i do understand why he would prefer to work where i work, but i think since i was there first i have seniority and it is disrespectful for him to just work at teh one across the hall.
    The best thing i have heard in a strip club to date:
    customer: we should get married right now! we should get a shotgun marriage!
    me: uhh... i think you are misunderstanding what a shotgun marriage means. A shotgun marriage means you knock me up and my daddy shows up at your door with a gun and forces you to marry me and raise the baby. You mean elope.
    customer: hmm... nah actually i will take the shotgun marriage. At least then we would be having sex.


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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    Ok, well... I don't know if I or anyone else can convince you that this is NOT your fault so I'll just disagree with everything you just posted and sincerely wish you the very best.

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    Veteran Member kermit210's Avatar
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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    Ah, this is happened to me more times than I care to admit. More so it the quarter than anywhere else. It comes in 2 flavors: the friend from outta town who moves here and they have that "fascinated by nola so I'm going to be an irresponsible child" syndrome, or that friend who already lives here and seems to always be down on their luck.
    I've been swearing to myself for years to harden my heart to both. I've had the lost cat, uninvited guests, unwanted drugs, too loud, no money for rent, vomit on my furniture, stolen from, and more lovely stories in return for my soft heart.
    - Glad you found your kitty.
    - You are NOT being a cunt. I think you need to be a bigger cunt. (I need to do this too). Your friend is a leech and an opportunist. There is absolutely NO excuse for not being able to find a job in the quarter during MG, when every single business is begging for extra staff. You've been working your ass off since he moved in, right? That's bullshit that he can watch you work that hard and have a clear conscience to not earn his own living, or finish up an art commission he already has. And have a clear conscience leaving you hanging with no cash in a foreign country??? I'm sorry, but this makes me believe that this guy does not give 2 shits about your welfare or friendship, but simply how useful you may be to him. Leaving your door open in the quarter also shows no shits whatsoever about your safety. Your life could have been seriously fucked up in both instances, if not for luck.
    I know people that have jobs in the quarter that barely bathe, show up fucked up if at all, pass out at work, and just fuck off in general. If they can hold a job here, anyone can. I also know wonderful artists that have jobs as well.
    - I wouldn't stress too much that he got hired at the pedicab company. If he can mooch off you this long, chances are that driving a pedicab is going to be waaay too hard work for him. (didn't he get tired from walking around?) Also, there is no valid reason he needed to finally get employed at the same company as you (further leeching)
    - I think sleeping with you was a manipulation tactic
    - I would like to tell you to kick his ass out tomorrow, but I can't offer advice I wouldn't follow myself. So, what I would do is: slap a locking doorknob on my bedroom door and move all my valuables in there. (Mary's Hardware has reopened on Rampart st) Then, give him 1-2 wks notice. When he whines about not having any money or place to go, it's not your problem. You've carried him far too long anyhow. At the end of your notice, change the lock on the front door. If he still has belongings in there, let him schedule a time to come get them when it's good for you and you have someone (male friend) there with you to ensure you don't hear any bullshit. This is more fair or generous than he deserves.
    - Sorry if this sounds harsh or lecture-y. I've been there and it sucks. It sucks having to deal with the drama and stress, it sucks realizing someone you thought was a friend doesn't actually give a shit and was using you. It sucks all around, and you should be able to take a much-needed post-MG break instead of handling this shit.
    I propose a toast - to my self control.... I see you crawling, helpless, on the floor.......
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    God/dess papillonluvr's Avatar
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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    It's not your fault he's being a leech. Many people would have been more diligent about finding a job, paying rent, and being more respectful towards you and your life and your property. He is taking advantage of you and your hospitality.

    I would ask him to start finding his own place, and give him a time frame to do it in. The uncomfortable-ness of that request should get him out pretty quickly.

    And the way he sounds in your posts-so lazy-will probably work against him in pedicabbing and he won't last long. Don't quit your job over it.
    "You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories -Stainslaw J. Lec

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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    his behaviour is NOT your fault!
    I couldnt tolerate it
    Theres no sense crying over every mistake,
    you just keep on trying till you run out of cake

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  32. #23
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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    Athena, I disagree with the notion that you haven't been a very good friend. Even understanding that you were the one to invite him down there, that you agreed to help him until he was on his feet and that you did not communicate sooner about the fact that the hookups bothered you, it has been a freakin' month already!

    What the fuck is wrong with this guy? How much time does he need to get out there and put a couple of paychecks together? He spent the better part of a month loafing around and living off of your charity while you were busting your ass pedicabbing. Where I come from we have names for guys like that, but given where I'm posting I'll show some restraint. Suffice it to say that you have more than met your obligations to him and that he has horribly abused your hospitality.

    IMHO it is long past time for his sorry ass to be in his own place, back where he came from, or anyplace else other than in your apartment living off of your hard work.

    Anyway, like I said before, good luck with whatever you decide.

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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    He is not being a good friend. He is not even being a friend. He is taking from you at every possible opportunity without giving anything back. The way i saw it was, if you had not known him before he moved in with you, would you have put up with his behaviour?

    To me, the fact that you slept with him while drunk is moot, shit happens when alcohol happens. But he left your door open, you could have been robbed, murdered, raped, anything, there are psycho's in every neighbourhood, its just lucky that the only thing that happened was your cat escaped, which you got back, but the fact that he didnt care enough to make sure your home and your pet was safe is ridiculous!

    My housemate left my door open once and my puppy got out, luckily i was in the house, realised in about two minutes and captured the puppy (who was wandering up the road scared to death) i shouted at him A LOT! The second time he left his key in the front door (we live in a rough student area which is rife for burgalry) i came home, took the key out, checked we hadnt been robbed, luckily we hadnt but he never got his key back. He paid the same rent as i did, but i dont care, he was 26 and a grown man, he left the door to my home open on more than one occasion and as far as i was concerned he turned back into a child. He lost key priveleges! Meaning every time he went out he had to tell someone, if he went out and there was nobody in when he got back, he had to sit on the doorstep or go somewhere else till they did! He basically had to live by my/my partners work schedule and i have NO guilt about this. He moved out soon after.

    If you cant trust someone to look after your property when you are doing them a favour, when can you? You are not responsible for his keep and he needs to learn this.
    ''I love fake boobs''
    ''They're not fake! I grew them myself!''

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    Default Re: HELP- regret helping move a friend down here

    Quote Originally Posted by Athenathefabulous View Post
    1. over the summer, he owed me money from 2 yrs ago, and when i got to hong kong an atm ate my debit card and i had issues wiring money between my accounts. so i asked him to pay me back some of what he owed me and i got no reply at all, so i spent 2 weeks abroad with virtually no money (i survived thanks to some help from awesome strangers)
    You REALLY need to reexamine your definitions of friendship and loyalty.

    Forget the pressured hookup, the leeching or the escaped cat. For most people, the part quoted above would have been more than enough to sever all ties with this jackass and never speak to him again. The asshole left you stranded in a foreign country for fox sake....On what planet is someone like this considered a "friend"??

    The fact that after all this you still think YOU have been a "shitty friend" is pretty pathetic, to be perfectly honest.

    At the risk of sounding even harsher I'm willing to guarantee that none of the advice in here will do you any good. In life there are users and there are those who get used, and neither type can be convinced to change until they face some profound consequences. Let's just hope yours are the type one can recover from.
    Quote Originally Posted by Nini Nieb View Post
    It is OK to have different opionens in my opionen

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