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Thread: Why not be friends with your ex?

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    Default Why not be friends with your ex?

    I'm very good friends with my ex-wife. We still talk regularly and will go out to restaurants and movies together. We get along better now than we did when we were married. Many people have tell me how unusual that is.

    I really don't understand why. I especially don't understand those people that will totally shut a person they were so close to and even had children together out of their lives. I want to tell them, "There had to be something that drew you two together in the first place - either they were easy to talk to or fun to be with or you liked doing things together. That quality about them didn't go away because you couldn't get it together in another area in your life together."

    So are you still friends with your ex? If you aren't, what changed so you no longer can?

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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    Because normally when there is a break-up one of the partners is still in love with the other and that person (the one who is still in love) needs to avoid their old partner in order to be able to move forward with their own life, detach, etc.

    It's easy to break-up with a partner and then use that partner, keep him or her unable to detach and move forward, recover, repair... and then use that person for occasional sex, etc. It's the ultimate cruelty. And the user/abuser who strings along an ex (who is desperately hoping to get back together) won't get any protests and if that user/abuser is really ignorant then he or she may not even realize what he or she is doing to the other person.

    But it's very cruel and destructive.

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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    Yup best friends.
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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    I've had three major long-term boyfriends in my life. I'm not in contact with any of them. Two of them I have no real interest in speaking to and the third I would probably try to attack if I saw him again. As for casual flings, I'm fine with all of them and don't really have any hard feelings, and I'd like to think they feel the same way towards me.

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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    OP, I would think except for some outlying extremes, in order for someone to be an "ex" something had to occur that outweighed all the positives of still being together. That "thing," whatever it may be, is why people usually don't stick together after the breakup.
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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    I'm friends with all my Exs besides a recent one (She wanted to keep talking but meh). The rest I talk too once and a while but nothing more than that.

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    Veteran Member Aslinn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    If I broke up with them they want nothing to do with me, they couldn't handle rejection and me moving on plus all my break ups are bad because I end up having to be the bad guy and do it. The one guy who broke up with me is still a casual friend he emails me here and there about his kids and what not but nobody is a really good friend.

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    Veteran Member _natasha's Avatar
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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    Best friends... We were always better friends than lovers! He gives surprisingly good relationship advice too.

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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    I'm very good friends with my ex, granted there was nothing done to disrespect like cheating or lying so this makes it much easier. We both know sex would fuck up this relationship so those thoughts never come up & when I'm done I can leave & with sex you can't.

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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    No My ex still hates me and 8 years after we broke up. I still miss his friendship. He even deleted me off FB. I was with him for 8 years and grew up with him so I really do miss him sometimes. Just his friendship of course. I would have no interest in a relationship. But he feels I cheated on him. Maybe I did... I donno. I left him for someone else but it hadn't got sexual yet. I just had feelings for someone else so I ended it. He even appears in my dreams from time to time. I always wonder how he is doing. I haven't seen him in 6 years.

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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    Quote Originally Posted by GeekGod View Post
    There had to be something that drew you two together in the first place - either they were easy to talk to or fun to be with or you liked doing things together.
    Yes, but there also had to be something that made you feel you could no longer be with them and break up. I would say the majority of break-ups aren't because "it just didn't work out," as people like to say. Usually it is some sort of problem that dragged on and on and eventually caused a rift - and I would say that the majority of the time, the problem usually leads back to one or both people feeling disrespected somehow. Personally, I find it difficult to remain friends with someone who I felt disrespected me when we were together. I also agree with what others have said about residual feelings. I would say few people can just be romantic with each other, then one day go, "ok, you know what, we both mutually agree that there is no romantic interest left between us whatsoever - let's just go back to being friends." I mean, sure, it could happen. Or exes could re-become friends after a certain length of time has passed, but I've seen too many people break up, try to "stay friends" right off the bat, and have it end badly because there were strong feelings still that weren't allowed to heal.

    I'm not saying it's impossible, but I know from experience that it never works out well for me. I attempted to remain friends with all my exes. Usually 2-3 years down the line, I would slowly realize there was a good reason they were my ex. It's not that they're horrible people or that we wouldn't have been able to be friends had there been no romantic past... but... there is a romantic past and there were issues and residual things about their behavior that I just won't be able to get over.

    I guess my biggest point would be, why be friends with an ex? I don't really see why it would be necessary to remain friends with them. They don't have to be some bitter sore spot on my past, and I can be civil and friendly to them if we happen to run into each other, but why would I need to remain friends with them if that relationship has run its course? I don't find it sad or shameful - people come and go in your life all the time. I just feel it's better to move on from something that's ended.
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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    Friends with pretty much all of 'em, or at least friendly. My last ex is one of my best friends (he was before our relationship, and still is despite the romantic relationship not working out).

    I never understood how some people hate ALL their exes. If you truly loved someone enough to share your life, home, or even family, how can you turn around and hate them just b/c you didn't work as partners?* I will say that it's much easier to be friends with an ex if you allow for a period of time directly after the break-up to mourn the relationship, heal, and so on. Once you hit that point where you are truly moving on from that relationship, it's much less awkward/painful to build a new, platonic relationship.

    I'm kind of cautious of the people who claim all their exes are psychotic bitches, or the like - it's much more likely the problem actually lies with them. Or at the very least, they tend to gravitate towards psychotic bitches, which implies there's something not-right happening there. Kind of makes you think twice about that person.




    * Of course, that doesn't apply to situations in which one party horribly wronged the other, such as physical abuse, or any abuse really, etc.
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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    Friends with none of them. No matter the terms(esp bad terms, fuck no), it's awkward for me. I couldn't.

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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    I've stayed friends with all of the ones I was with for more than like 9 months. The ones I dated for a month or two or a few months I don't really keep in contact with as we ended up finding we just weren't compatible in general.

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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    I'm in contact with three exes. In the one case we broke up to due to religious reasons (he's Southern Baptist and his family wanted me to convert)and we are still in contact via Facebook (we are Facebook friends). He's now married and I couldn't be happier for him. The other two aren't bad guys really, just that they can't let go of me over 20 years later (dated one at 15-16 and the other from 18-20). One of them is also a Facebook friend and I told him that there's no chance we will get back together. Besides, he lives 5 hours away, been married three times and has four kids and those are all dealbreakers. The other one has mental issues (he had a nervous breakdown after graduation)and keeps writing me to tell me he loves me. I've told him I will not date him again but we can still be friends. My other exes mostly just drifted away and there is only one I could never be friends with because he scammed me out of money and items I've owned forever.

    However, I have noticed in most cases people do not have friendly relationships with exes, especially when it comes to children. For every one couple I know who still get along after a breakup I know 10 who have a terrible relationship. It's very rare to remain friends after a divorce when young kids are involved.

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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    My first bf i havent seen or spoken to since we split, we were together two years and i loved him to bits, but it turned more into a friendship for me, there was little to no sex in the end and i would have ended up eating him alive had we stayed together, i broke it off because i suspected an imminent proposal and didnt want to deal with saying no. In fairness, i was 19 and wanted to live a little, he wanted marriage, kids and the white picket fence by 21 and i wasnt ready. He badmouthed me to my friends and played the "feel sorry for me" card with everyone.

    My 2nd ex was my fb friend, but i cant stand him, he is an arrogant, uphisownarse prick and i had him on there simply to show him that i can do better, have done better and will continue to do better. He cheated on me while we were together, faked a serious illness when we split up and when he found out i was dancing asked me if i would have sex with him for money....unfriend.

    If i split up with my current SO i would have to delete and block from my life. Whenever we split in the past after three days he would turn back up, cause havoc in my heart and we would get back together. If we ever split again i would have to change my number etc to avoid this happening again.

    I am friendly with casual flings, but personally, if i have felt something serious for a person and there has been a permanent break up, however ambiguous it was, i tend to always recall their "knobhead/embaressing moments" which stops me from taking them seriously as a human being.
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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    With all my ex's, it took distance and years before we could talk and just be friends... My first bf and I didnt talk for almost 5 years, and now we get in touch once a year, around the holidays just to catch up. My ex husband and I...we also dropped contact for almost 10 years, now we email each other about once or twice a year to see how the other is doing. The ex after him, I moved out of the city, and we didnt see each other for about a year...we tried being friends, and it was strained for another 5 years and we didnt talk for another year. We just started talking again.

    Now, my most recent ex, was the most painful heartbreak of them all, have been trying to be friends, but Im just still too hurt and angry even 2 years post breakup..I never got that chance for space and to heal from the relationship, and he has been stringing me along this whole time, knowing that I still have feelings for him. I finally told him that Im done....he saying all the same I dont want you out of my life, I still care about you and want us to be friends thing, but trying to do that without taking the time I need to pull myself together has made me miserable. Considering how all my other relationships have played out, I think that it wouldnt be a bad thing to take a few years space...and if we had any real connection at all, then we will care enough about each other to get in touch down the line. But right now, old wounds keep getting torn open,and its not fair.
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    Featured Member *Jade*Love's Avatar
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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    I'm still friendly with most of my exes. With the exception of one they were all nice, laid back guys. We don't hang out, but if we bumped into one another it wouldn't be awkward.

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    Default Re: Why not be friends with your ex?

    I am friends with most of my exes...there's only one I don't speak with.

    We dated for two years, were engaged...and I found out he cheated on me from pictures posted on Facebook.

    The fact that he could hurt me so badly proved he was not the person I fell in love with, so I cut him out. He still reappears now and again and tries to make us be friends, but I cut him down every time. My life is better without him in it.

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