I've thought about what I hate most about the club and it's this : the obnoxious ass HECKLERS and SMART ASSES!!! So now I'm checking out how the pros handle it. http://www.brianthemessiah.com/2008/...with-hecklers/
December 7, 2008 · Filed Under Preparation
My greatest fear of doing stand-up isn’t going on stage - I’ve gone on stage with amateur dramatics and done public speaking.
What I fear is hecklers - mainly because of the danger of interrupting the necessary train of thought with a set.
There’s an interesting and long thread on the chortle forums about one-liners and put downs to use on stage here.
Some examples:
- This is what happens when cousins marry
No ladyboy, I will not sleep with you. Not unless I’ve drunk more
The last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it
That sounded funny when you thought it in your head didn’t it.
I bet as a child, you were such a cunt that Michael Jackson made you sleep in your own fucking bed.
Thats what happens when you invite your parents to a gig
This week on Lights Camara action….when Accountants go bad
to a female - “Don’t take it out on me just because no one wants to buy your lucky heather”
Well, it’s a night out for him. And let’s face it, it’s a night off for his family
You should get an agent pal, why sit in the dark handlin yerself
Look, I don’t think you’re very attractive, but I might shag you out of spite
If I wanted to hear from an arsehole I woulda farted
When god gave you a tongue he ruined a perfectly good arsehole
Or my utter fav. If you have someone who has heckled the acts before, on his (or her) first atack at you take the heckle, give a little laugh at what they have said, give the heckler the thumbs up and with a big smile on your face drop the mike a little so it just picks up “cunt”. This usually brings about a good laugh or applause from the audience, who will by this time, be sick of the heckler. If this happens follow it up with “no honest you are, it’s just that the other acts were to polite to remind you”
.
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I think the main message is to stay in the mentality of your routine, so if you do angry or confrontational comedy, then aggressive put downs may suit.
I’m not sure that would fit at all in my routine.
However, the one I remember most and would possibly most likely use is from Tom Lehrer:
“The outpatients are out in force tonight”
It wasn’t even to a heckler - but is a potentially good line for defusing potential tensions.
I think. I hope. I hope I never have to use it on a heckler, but it’s all part of the experience I’m going to have to learn, I guess. Not looking forward to it, but something to expect and learn to work with, I guess.



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