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Thread: So it Finally Happened...

  1. #1
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    Default So it Finally Happened...

    So it finally happened.
    After having a very successful time working at a club, making money, paying off my debts, having the opportunities to grow personally and actually make plans for my future- my mother found out.
    I grew confident, happy about my body and life, had money to hire a tutor to learn an instrument, participate in a sport, learn to draw. I was giving myself a life that I did not have because i grew up very poor, with my parents always working.
    I was saving money to travel, and for law school.
    In the end my mother being the little Sherlock Holmes that she is found out.
    She became very suspicious, and did not believe anything that I told her- that I was a personal trainer (which i actually was part time)
    So for the past 3 months she has been hounding me telling me she knows, is suspicious, wants me to come clean. I refused, telling her she was wrong. I did not want to be viewed poorly in my mothers eyes (even though nothing in this world satisfies her except to show off what I have achieved)
    We are currently on a family vacation and she finally confronted me. Told me my stage name and said how she paid somebody to follow me and to take pictures of me at the club. How I need to stop or I lose her.
    She kept saying I need to be normal and not a prostitute (even though I am a clean dancer) that no man will ever want me, and I will never go and finish my education.
    I fessed up, told her that I have no regrets. That I am very happy with the life that this job made me. That i got to know some very incredible men, but also learned to stop being so green and innocent. I learned what men and the world were really like, and how to analyze and judge people. Also that I was not a prostitute but just a dancer.
    Her retort to that was that all dancers become prostitutes and that I am disgusting. That all the men who go to these clubs are perverse, especially the ones that go to the private rooms.
    She gave me an ultimatum, saying that I either quit or I lose her.
    I chose not to quit. I dont doubt that I made the right choice. She doesnt even try to understand, and as much as I understand her view of the job due to society, stigma, dirty dancers, the movies, and double standards I dont agree.
    She always puts me down and is unhappy because I am a bit of a rebel, always have been. That i am not like her friends robotic children who went to Ivy League schools, never talk back, and do what they are told when they are told.
    My whole entire childhood she read my diaries, mentally assaulted me into thinking I need to be one way to be happy. When I just needed to be myself and I would not have had such confidence problems which lead to more serious life choices in my youth.
    I am very happy. But I still feel very shitty because she is my mother, and I love her. But a woman who hires a private investigator? Really?
    This job made my dreams into more of a reality. I am going for my third degree, and will be going onto law school in the next two years, after I travel a bit. I have passions and I am going after them. Not being tempted to be a dancer my whole life because the money is so good. Its great but its a job, not a career.

    She told me to come back to her after I stopped doing this line of work.
    Has anybody made the choice of themselves over their own mother?

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    Default Re: So it Finally Happened...

    In short, use her as motivation & don't fall to what she envisions, success is the great equalizer. Live your goals & she will be there to see...

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    Default Re: So it Finally Happened...

    Good luck..... You can't live for others.
    The country has been looted.

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    Default Re: So it Finally Happened...

    I would pack my bags and go home. Literally. Fuck that psychotic controlling bullshit. Are you an Adult? Then your on your own. Your mother going nuts because she had an empty nest and no one to control? Get her a Jack Russel terrier.

    You need to get away from that, like several States away.

    Then I don't respond well to threats or ultimatums.

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    Default Re: So it Finally Happened...

    My family found out and i wasnt on talking terms with them for a few months. You have to life your own life and be happy with who you are! She will come to terms when she realizes she is being stupid for trying to run your life for you girly.

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    Default Re: So it Finally Happened...

    GOOD FOR YOU!!! I was so worried you were about to say you were thinking about quitting. I am SO glad that you can see her for what she is. Don't feel guilty.
    Also, fuck that whole "come back when you quit." If she can't support you when you're happy and independent, she doesn't get to choose when to have a relationship with you.
    Sounds like a very toxic relationship. Having had to cut off some family for different reasons, I think more people need to do it. Biology does not guarantee healthy relationships
    or demand loyalty when someone's a shit to you and others around you.

    so GOOD JOB! Keep kicking ass!
    Ungoogle yourself:


    Also, now offering phone sexins!

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    Default Re: So it Finally Happened...

    Quote Originally Posted by Vederal View Post
    So it finally happened.
    After having a very successful time working at a club, making money, paying off my debts, having the opportunities to grow personally and actually make plans for my future- my mother found out.
    I grew confident, happy about my body and life, had money to hire a tutor to learn an instrument, participate in a sport, learn to draw. I was giving myself a life that I did not have because i grew up very poor, with my parents always working.
    I was saving money to travel, and for law school.
    In the end my mother being the little Sherlock Holmes that she is found out.
    She became very suspicious, and did not believe anything that I told her- that I was a personal trainer (which i actually was part time)
    So for the past 3 months she has been hounding me telling me she knows, is suspicious, wants me to come clean. I refused, telling her she was wrong. I did not want to be viewed poorly in my mothers eyes (even though nothing in this world satisfies her except to show off what I have achieved)
    We are currently on a family vacation and she finally confronted me. Told me my stage name and said how she paid somebody to follow me and to take pictures of me at the club. How I need to stop or I lose her.
    She kept saying I need to be normal and not a prostitute (even though I am a clean dancer) that no man will ever want me, and I will never go and finish my education.
    I fessed up, told her that I have no regrets. That I am very happy with the life that this job made me. That i got to know some very incredible men, but also learned to stop being so green and innocent. I learned what men and the world were really like, and how to analyze and judge people. Also that I was not a prostitute but just a dancer.
    Her retort to that was that all dancers become prostitutes and that I am disgusting. That all the men who go to these clubs are perverse, especially the ones that go to the private rooms.
    She gave me an ultimatum, saying that I either quit or I lose her.
    I chose not to quit. I dont doubt that I made the right choice. She doesnt even try to understand, and as much as I understand her view of the job due to society, stigma, dirty dancers, the movies, and double standards I dont agree.
    She always puts me down and is unhappy because I am a bit of a rebel, always have been. That i am not like her friends robotic children who went to Ivy League schools, never talk back, and do what they are told when they are told.
    My whole entire childhood she read my diaries, mentally assaulted me into thinking I need to be one way to be happy. When I just needed to be myself and I would not have had such confidence problems which lead to more serious life choices in my youth.
    I am very happy. But I still feel very shitty because she is my mother, and I love her. But a woman who hires a private investigator? Really?
    This job made my dreams into more of a reality. I am going for my third degree, and will be going onto law school in the next two years, after I travel a bit. I have passions and I am going after them. Not being tempted to be a dancer my whole life because the money is so good. Its great but its a job, not a career.

    She told me to come back to her after I stopped doing this line of work.
    Has anybody made the choice of themselves over their own mother?

    I think you're both right. Your mother is ignoring the money, and you are ignoring the lifestyle.

    I only danced because I needed the money, but I don't regret doing so. I stopped once I no longer needed the money, and have said to myself on more than one ofccasion, "I wish I could have my dignity back." I don't mean that like it sounds (I'm speaking in a hater's voice), but that's how your mom sees it, and she's right: you'll always be a stripper. Where you diasgree is on the implications of you being a stripper.

    At the end of the day, you're an adult and she has to accept that if she doesn't want to lose you. I never told anyone what I did and went to some lengths to hide it, but I was prepared to tell anyone who had a problem if they found out to walk and never look back.

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    Default Re: So it Finally Happened...

    I had a comparably controlling mother as a child. Thankfully, me moving out has helped our relationship somewhat. I don't know what I would do if she "found out." Probably panic and post to SW, haha. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear yours has turned her back on you, but as you seem to recognize, you were not in the wrong. Also, I don't think you "chose yourself" over your mother in this situation. She was the one to choose herself over her daughter. Don't let her words confuse and guilt you into thinking otherwise.

    Have you considered maybe writing her a letter outlining how you feel about your relationship with her? I don't think you owe her an explanation of why you hid your job from her, but if you chose to explain your feelings in the matter, maybe one day she'd see how much she has hurt you. I wouldn't limit it to just the stripping issue. In fact, if you choose this route or a similar one, I wouldn't advise you to even dignify her generalizations and accusations with a broad defense. Write to her as her daughter who loves her and has been wronged by her, whose job so happens to be stripping. Let us know how things progress.

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    Default Re: So it Finally Happened...

    Wow that really sucks. Sounds like you handled it really well though. You obviously have ambitions and goals and if your mom can't see that, that's her problem. I believe my mom would act in a similar manner if she knew or even knew a lot of things about my lifestyle. It's your life though so do what's best for you.

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    Default Re: So it Finally Happened...

    If she cant accept you for who you are(and what you do) then she doesnt deserve to be in you life!!!sounds a bit harsh but giving birth to someone doesnt mean you own them.

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    Default Re: So it Finally Happened...

    it's really too bad that some people still believe that there is a hardcore stripper lifestyle that every stripper becomes part of. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I have never had sex for money. I don't spend my money on lavish things. I don't do any of the things that most people think that all strippers do. Regardless of whether or not you DO those things, you don't need to justify your life to anyone. If your mother doesn't like what you do, hired a PI to take photos of you at work (which is super fucked up) and really went through desperate lengths to know what you did then she deserves all the upset that comes with finding out. You made a decision for YOU and you tried to hide it from her, knowing it would upset her. She couldn't respect your privacy even though you were trying to "respect her dignity".

    I recommend that you do exactly what she asked you to do. Cut her out. If she is going to treat you like you are nothing, you are under no obligation to treat her like more. Treat others how you would like to be treated, right? Do not answer her calls, text messages, emails etc. If you live with her, move out. Stop receiving any financial support from her. Literally freeze her out. She doesn't want you in her life? Fine. She won't have you in her life on YOUR terms, not hers.

    for some reason most people think that just because someone is their family they have to support those people forever regardless of how they are treated by them. If they don't treat you with respect and they don't care about your feelings really then fuck them. You are under no obligation to them if they treat you like you are worthless.
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    Member Vederal's Avatar
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    Default Re: So it Finally Happened...

    Thank you all for your words of support.
    They really calmed me down, and made me happy that I am not the only one with these views and feelings.

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    Default Re: So it Finally Happened...

    This is so sorry to hear. I can't believe a parent would do this. Perhaps you're lucky it happened now rather than later over another 'issue'. Good luck. Follow your dreams.

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    Default Re: So it Finally Happened...

    You've done the right thing. Her being your mother is one thing, but she doesn't have a right to tell you what to do. You're a grown woman with your own choices, and you know from yourself you've done nothing wrong.
    I fessed up after a month when I started dancing cos guilt got the best of me. I can tell she was upset, but reassured I don't do anything dirty whatsoever. She still tells me now and again to stop, but I always reassure her again.

    Well I'm happy you made the right decision, and you're doing so well with so many things! Good on you

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    Default Re: So it Finally Happened...

    I would be appalled that someone I knew paid someone to take pictures of me in the club. First of all, I'm naked/half naked ITC and I do NOT want pictures like that out there (that is illegal, and PI can't photograph you in a strip club, especially if there are naked women around and there always are). Secondly, there are fucking weirdos. How did she know that the PI she hired wouldn't go gaga eyed over you dancing at the club, follow you home (as he was paid to do), and then decide to follow you inside for some "fun" of his own?! She was OK with hiring a fucking stranger to follow you at work, stalk you, photograph you, etc. That crosses the line because of the type of business we are in. I would be beyond livid and would cut off all contact. That's not to say you should do that if you don't want to, but I certainly wouldn't fault you if you did.
    If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.


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