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Thread: Long time marriages/couples...

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    Default Long time marriages/couples...

    How do you keep things exciting??
    Do you still get butterflies??
    How do you do it if you have kids??

    I've been with my husband for 10 years, I just feel like we're room mates. 2 kids, we don't have time to do anything!!
    I miss having butterflies, getting surprised, holding hands, snuggling, etc..all that little corny stuff..lol


    So how do you all do it???

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    Default Re: Long time marriages/couples...

    That sort of spontaneity requires careful planning. O_o

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    Default Re: Long time marriages/couples...

    Yeah, I usually promise myself I'll be spontaneous tomorrow.

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    Featured Member FiendishGyrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Long time marriages/couples...

    I'm a little over a year and a half in, so time-wise, not the greatest comparison. But we knew relatively early in the relationships that this was likely it for the both of us because we were so in sync with how we are as people, what we value, and what we want in a relationship.

    I agree it's pretty hard to keep the romance. Kids make it very hard. Obviously, a great babysitter is a must. But also, not being pigeon-holed into thinking that you had to get the babysitter so ya'll could go out to a fancy restaurant, and have that sort of romance. It's better to skimp on the fancy meal, and get that babysitter for multiple occasions and just go out and do something casual. Especially as parents, it's easy to just get so caught up in the role, that it's hard to see yourself as something beyond a mom and see him beyond dad and partner. So just keeping the pressure light the first few casual dates so that you guys can start to step outside of those roles and start to encourage thoughts as just an adult-- the type that spark the great conversations that mark the early days in a relationship. Otherwise you start to feel like that first date or two didn't live up to your expectations of romance. It takes a little while to rebuild those bridges (and trust me, once rebuilt, it'll still need to be rebuilt again and again-- that's just the nature of most relationships.)

    Sometimes, I have to yell at my boyfriend to get away from the computer or tv. Or, I'll step away from the tv (ah, great third wheel, the tv) and make him come into the bedroom to just cuddle. Not to snooze, but I LOVE the conversations that we get into in the semi-darkness of the bedroom with no distractions. We'll sometimes chat for as long as two hours. And then we get up and go do our own things (we're night owls.)

    And, it's true, later in a relationship, sex gets short shrift and you have to approach it like working out Morning blow jobs are a great example. Who wants to go wake up early and jog (or blow their man) when they could just snooze for a little bit longer? But doing it, and eventually it starts to be fun again

    Another thing about being adults is that if we make out, it almost feels like we have to go have sex, doesn't it? Like we can't just kiss just to kiss. So, for that, waylay your hubby in the hallway, on the couch, when he's at the computer, or while grocery shopping. Give him a nice long kiss and if he tries to pull away, tell him no, and pull him back in. And just as it's getting to that dreamy, nice part, pull back, smile, and go about your day That's romance to me. Same thing with sex-- sometimes I just want to play but not do the whole shebang of having sex for x amount of minutes. So if I find at some point, he's hard or close to hard, I'll jump on him, have sex for a couple of minutes, and then hop off Sometimes we're laughing and wrestling more than sexing, but having a broader definition of connecting, I like that sometimes our sex is totally pointless in terms of climaxing.
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    Default Re: Long time marriages/couples...

    we have date nights, and are due for another one in a few weeks (been crazy busy)
    try to cuddle when we can (but with breastfeeding a toddler and gestating a bubba Im liking my personal space and sleeping alot)
    lots of little things, such as my hubby played at the park this morning so I could sleep till lunchtime, then made a picnic and took us to the beach.
    Its hard though, but we work at it!
    Theres no sense crying over every mistake,
    you just keep on trying till you run out of cake

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    Default Re: Long time marriages/couples...

    Honestly, for me, non-monogamy has worked quite nicely for this. It's incredible how, even if there is merely the shadow of a third in the relationship, you suddenly want to do a million and one things to keep your partner interested in you. I'm primarily the non-monogamous one in our relationship, and it keeps things exciting in a very positive way (though obviously this requires an incredible amount of trust and communication).

    Asexuality, also ironically, has kept things exciting for us.

    I also like to be pretty conservative around the house, to make sure seeing me naked / partially nude remains somewhat of a mystery. I think in many marriages, especially in ones where kids are involved, people get waaaay too comfortable around each other. Suddenly they're peeing with the door open, squatting down naked to pick stuff up in unflattering ways, etc. Sure, there's something nice about being so comfortable that you can do that stuff. But balance is crucial.

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    Default Re: Long time marriages/couples...

    deleted.
    Last edited by mediocrity; 06-17-2012 at 05:07 AM.

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    Default Re: Long time marriages/couples...

    Been with my hubby 8 years. No I don't get "butterflies" but who needs those? That's just a dumb adrenaline response. Me and my guy have had some major ups and downs but I think at the end of the day... Communication and effort are the key. When he does stuff for me I know he doesn't want to ie. cleaning it makes me swoon. And when I do stuff for him he thinks I don't want to ie. make out with chicks... He swoons. Haha but seriously we almost broke up a few times and I don't feel 100% solid but I'm willing to listen to what he wants if he listens to me. Maybe set up a wish list were each of u has a wish and grants it when the other grants theirs. Maybe that's dumb I donno I'm drunk! Don't listen to me.

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    Default Re: Long time marriages/couples...

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessie_tinydancer View Post
    Been with my hubby 8 years. No I don't get "butterflies" but who needs those? That's just a dumb adrenaline response.
    Yeah, who needs them? Butterflies are a sign of insecurities; they are like a "I fear I might lose this person", I do not feel secure enough liking/loving this person", "I feel this person may leave anytime". They aren't so great.





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    Default Re: Long time marriages/couples...

    It means both love each other a lot. Shop gotapparel has something for you guys.

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    Default Re: Long time marriages/couples...

    I still get butterflies! That means I still get excited to see my husband When he's gone, I miss him. He's my bff, my lover and the father of my child. I'm ridiculously in love with him still. Even after almost 10 years together. Alot of people ask us how we do it because I'm a dancer and he isn't anymore. Even when he was dacing they'd ask him that question. The answer: Hard work. We've gone through phases of fighting and hating each other but in the end we decided that our relationship was more important than the petty shit. IDK how we stay so in love. I try to keep things exciting and unpredicatable. We go on dates, we hang out, we play, we fight. Sex is really important this far along too. Unless you're asexual like Charlie and both partners understand that. In most relationships though, you have to have that intimacy. You posted on fb today about your son sleeping in your bed.... get him outta there! LOL! I think that's the main thing missing in your marriage right now because I see how you and J interact and I can tell that you two are best friends. It seems to me though that you've crossed over into that friend-zone and you gotta claw your way out of there and soon. I hope I didn't cross a line by getting so personal :/

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    Default Re: Long time marriages/couples...

    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    How do you keep things exciting??
    Do you still get butterflies??
    How do you do it if you have kids??

    I've been with my husband for 10 years, I just feel like we're room mates. 2 kids, we don't have time to do anything!!
    I miss having butterflies, getting surprised, holding hands, snuggling, etc..all that little corny stuff..lol


    So how do you all do it???

    Been ridiculously happily married for 17 years....

    No 2 marriages are the same...So I can just speak to my experiences. It goes through stages

    - The initial butterflies/excitement/cant keep your hands off each other stage. Its easy to be intimate, exciting, have mind blowing sex..its just natural - lasted a couple of years, would have gone on longer, but then the next stage came..

    - KIDS..more specifically, very young kids. I think it is unavoidable that the kids will basically take over the marriage(if you are good parents) Their needs are constant. Its near impossible to be intimate when they are around(exhaustion, free time, etc) We still had sex after they went to sleep, but it was an effort... not the thrilling/spanking/swinging from the ceiling fan sex we used to have. The only way to get that was for us to get away for long weekends or even a night out downtown at a hotel(hopefully you have parents or siblings that can care for your kids for a couple of days). We were lucky, her mom lives for her grandkids. Realizing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel helped....and having both parents contributing helps eliminate resentment...were both in this together

    - Kids in school, getting to know your spouse again...Still busy with the kids, getting to all their activities/sports etc..But we had more time for us...but still the intimacy was difficult if the kids are in the house....getting away is still the best way to go...or having the kids have sleepovers at friends houses.

    - Friendship...Our kids are now teenagers and we spend a lot more time together, just hanging out. Believe it or not, STILL difficult to be intimate with the kids in the house.

    I just typed this whole thing out and I realized that its pretty much the same no matter how old the kids are. My best advice is to get away for the night or weekend....Hotel sex for me is now like Christmas for a kid. And on other nights, get baby sitters and go out for the night....have sex BEFORE you get home.


    Just realize that young kids put a huge strain on a marriage....It will get easier and better as they get older. And I havent regretted or resented having kids ONCE. Its so worth it.

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    Default Re: Long time marriages/couples...

    Quote Originally Posted by kaiarose View Post
    . You posted on fb today about your son sleeping in your bed.... get him outta there! LOL!:/

    I would second that.....

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    Default Re: Long time marriages/couples...

    Yes, I agree with lemiwinks.... once the kids are in school, things will get easier. Even when the oldest is in school, you'll only have one child to worry about and that will take alot of stress off of you I guess patience is the key right now :/

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    Default Re: Long time marriages/couples...

    Quote Originally Posted by mediocrity View Post
    You already know all of my alternative suggestions, but more fundamentally how's your friendship? My husband and I are really, really close. We play all the time. That's one of the things I love most about him, is he's always willing to play. If your friendship is solid, flirting will evolve from it, and it sort of naturally progresses from there.
    We have a great friendship. He really is my best friend because I can be myself around him..completely. I'm not shy, can tell him (just about) anything. And he really is always there for me. The only one who has always been there for me.

    Quote Originally Posted by kaiarose View Post
    I still get butterflies! That means I still get excited to see my husband When he's gone, I miss him. He's my bff, my lover and the father of my child. I'm ridiculously in love with him still. Even after almost 10 years together. Alot of people ask us how we do it because I'm a dancer and he isn't anymore. Even when he was dacing they'd ask him that question. The answer: Hard work. We've gone through phases of fighting and hating each other but in the end we decided that our relationship was more important than the petty shit. IDK how we stay so in love. I try to keep things exciting and unpredicatable. We go on dates, we hang out, we play, we fight. Sex is really important this far along too. Unless you're asexual like Charlie and both partners understand that. In most relationships though, you have to have that intimacy. You posted on fb today about your son sleeping in your bed.... get him outta there! LOL! I think that's the main thing missing in your marriage right now because I see how you and J interact and I can tell that you two are best friends. It seems to me though that you've crossed over into that friend-zone and you gotta claw your way out of there and soon. I hope I didn't cross a line by getting so personal :/

    I think sex is the what we realllly need right now.
    A lot of that is my fault.
    We're going to start doing date nights every Monday night, so hopefully that will spark things again.
    (I just wish we had more in common at times.....like, he hates to party..I'm a party girl! lol)
    and don't worry, I'm very open, you can pretty much never cross a line a line with me. <3

    --

    Thank you everyone for all the great advice and input.

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    Default Re: Long time marriages/couples...

    I still get butterflies but only sometimes-- when I haven't seen him for a really long time when I've been travelling. Or, when we really kiss. Like, not the first couple of seconds of kissing but then at the moment when we're just going to keep kissing it makes me melt a little bit inside.

    I would say more than butterflies I still feel a sense of wonder at random times when I just look at him and feel really lucky.

    But yeah, most of the time, reality isn't about "romance" so much as support and communication and a sense of fun.
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    Default Re: Long time marriages/couples...

    Room mates here, 20 years in and...eeh. too much stress, too much kids, not enough "spark" most of the time.

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