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Thread: How does everyone handle parents they love, but don't care for?

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    Veteran Member Aslinn's Avatar
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    Default How does everyone handle parents they love, but don't care for?

    I'v been visiting my mom, and I always wrote my shitty child hood off as me just being a teen and over stressed adult figures. But since my step dad got out of prison I realize I wasn't wrong or just being a petty pre- teen who hates authority. He's just a douche 75% of the time. Also I'm mad at my mother for putting up with it. I really have forgiven my mom for things that happened when I was younger, being older I can understand (I don't agree but understand) why things were done too me and I was a human stress reliever. But I have been so focused on fixing my relationship with my mom, that I never gave a thought to my step-dad because he's been in prison for 9 years. We never talked much and now I realize we were never really close, I just had this huge ideal of him for some time (ie: that I'm no different than one of his kids, he was not cruel to me, he was a father figure to me.) and none of them are true. Now being around him for a few weeks, I found out I can't stand him. He's constantly cussing and yellling at my 9 year old sister, he's cussed at me for feeling faint at the grocery store (I'm 7 months pregnant) and even started a fight with me to the point where I had to leave the house that I had been invited too by my mother that is two states away from my home. All through this my mom just sits there or just tells me to bare with it so she can have piece and quiet. I'm so irritated with him and trying to keep my relationship with her that I'm just confused. I have tried talking to my mom about it but she's ill and it stresses her out and he's the type to turn everything around on the other person while trying to seem like he's the innocent victim who "understands".


    Any other time I would just go about my life and say fuck it, but like I said I have an ill mother I just got a relationship with and my sister is only 9. I'm not willing to ditch them because of him but at the same time I don't want to bring my husband and child around my step-dad unless he changes the negative things about him. What do I do? Does anyone else have family members who you have issues with, if so how do you deal with them?

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    Default Re: How does everyone handle parents they love, but don't care for?

    My family belongs on the Maury show and as much as I cannot stand the awful things they do...They are still my family and I DO have love for them. They have let me down a lot, hurt me, embarrassed me, and in so many instances seen they did not have my best interests at heart & want to drag me down with them. I had no choice but to limit contact with them. I make time for them during holidays now, but that is stressful enough. I wish it didn't have to be this way, sometimes feel guilty & I wish we could all get along. I tried at one point to be the problem fixer but getting caught up in all their negativity only hurt and upset me more. I dont know if this is really helpful, but I felt like limiting my contact was best for me and works for me.
    You have a young sibling I think you can try and be there for her and your mother if those are the relationships you truly care most about maintaining, but hoping and waiting for the step-dad to change, imo, might be a huge let down. People never change unless they want to, not for anyone else. Hope you can get through it and find a way

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    Default Re: How does everyone handle parents they love, but don't care for?

    I think your mother deserves far more blame than you are giving her. Part of maintaining a healthy relationship is being honest with each other and accountable for your actions. You should try being honest with her about the effect bringing him/keeping him in your lives has had. If she can't be accountable and she doesn't want to have an honest convo then there's nothing you can do. Hang around and get beat down or stay at a healthy distance and have your sister and mother come see YOU without him.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: How does everyone handle parents they love, but don't care for?

    Love with detachment is a very hard concept to explain or live by, but it is very useful in dealing with toxic people in your life. Most people subscribe to the idea that our parents are loving and have our best intrest at heart, as the op said that is not always the reality and it is difficult to let go of even as a rational adult. You are lucky in that you have survived the situation and now have clarity. I know you have concerns for your mother and her illness but she is an adult and has chosen this as her life. What is scary for me is this 9 year old still trapped in the situation. IMHO the welfare of this girl superceds the sparing of your mothers feelings. I dont have all of the facts and maybe I am off course but that is what I got from your post - if I'm wrong or miss interpeted i apologize.

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    Default Re: How does everyone handle parents they love, but don't care for?

    Quote Originally Posted by Aslinn View Post
    I'v been visiting my mom, and I always wrote my shitty child hood off as me just being a teen and over stressed adult figures. But since my step dad got out of prison ...?
    At this point the post got lost completely. Why are any of you associating with a felon?

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    Default Re: How does everyone handle parents they love, but don't care for?

    Quote Originally Posted by slowpoke View Post
    At this point the post got lost completely. Why are any of you associating with a felon?
    Because he was already married to her mother and he is the father of her little sister. We don't always get to choose our family.

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    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
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    Default Re: How does everyone handle parents they love, but don't care for?

    Quote Originally Posted by Aslinn View Post
    I really have forgiven my mom for things that happened when I was younger, being older I can understand (I don't agree but understand) why things were done too me and I was a human stress reliever.
    That statement is more than a little concerning. I don't know what happened, but if it was that bad I'm not sure how quick I would be to forgive. It was her job to protect you, not to hurt you herself or let you be hurt.

    Quote Originally Posted by Aslinn View Post
    Any other time I would just go about my life and say fuck it, but like I said I have an ill mother I just got a relationship with and my sister is only 9. I'm not willing to ditch them because of him but at the same time I don't want to bring my husband and child around my step-dad unless he changes the negative things about him. What do I do? Does anyone else have family members who you have issues with, if so how do you deal with them?
    Idk, but the odds are good that, at this point in his life, he won't change. It may be that the best thing that you can do is to work around his issues as best you can. I'll bet that your 9 year old sister could REALLY use something positive in her life right now.

    Now I have a lot less sympathy for your mother as her choices have probably caused a lot of suffering for you and your sister, but also understand her position now: she is sick and has a young daughter to think about. Now while this guy is a true fucknut, he is also her husband and the girl's Daddy. I'm guessing that she's afraid of losing him right now and just doesn't want to rock the boat. I'm not saying that she's making the right call here, but you probably don't want to back her into a corner while she's in this state of mind, so you may need to keep playing nice in the sandbox with this asshole in order to keep her happy.

    Anyway, sorry to hear all of this and good luck with it.

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    Default Re: How does everyone handle parents they love, but don't care for?

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    Because he was already married to her mother and he is the father of her little sister. We don't always get to choose our family.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9J7XE-ctMU

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    Default Re: How does everyone handle parents they love, but don't care for?

    Quote Originally Posted by Optimist View Post
    I think your mother deserves far more blame than you are giving her. Part of maintaining a healthy relationship is being honest with each other and accountable for your actions. You should try being honest with her about the effect bringing him/keeping him in your lives has had. If she can't be accountable and she doesn't want to have an honest convo then there's nothing you can do. Hang around and get beat down or stay at a healthy distance and have your sister and mother come see YOU without him.

    Well over the years I have learned that my mother will never apologize and she will never admit to being wrong, at least not out loud. I think she knows what she has done wrong and just chooses to ignore it. The same with my step-dad, they have both physically and mentally abused me (I went to foster care when i was 13), brought me and my other siblings into there fights, put themselves before there own child's welfare, and at one point allowed me to be beat by an ex boyfriend in my mothers home in front of my sister who was then six and then my mother threatened to have me arrested even though I was the one bruised and bloody while he laughed on our front porch. I actually had to move out because she kept calling him,giving him money, and inviting him over and this was all before I even turned 18 and she had only known this kid for a year maybe less. I have brought all this up and more to them in a non confrontational way simply looking for a sense of acknowledgement of wrong doing and they change the subject or find some way to get away from the conversation. So I know I'm never going to have a healthy relationship with my mother and all I can hope for is some type of relationship that doesn't involve fighting because I don't want the thought that I never had anything at all with my mother if she died. Plus if i don't try I lose my sister.


    Any who long story short, I think I'm going to have to have her and my sis visit or go up there rarely and only when she needs me and suck all the bs up untile the visits over.

    Thanks everyone for the responses, sometimes I need help analyzing myself or figuring out if I'm wrong lol but atleast i'm not 40 whining about how my parents fucked me up.

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    Default Re: How does everyone handle parents they love, but don't care for?

    My Mom is the problem, but my Dad is not so innocent either. They aren't together anymore. I still love them but I don't always like them. My therapist tells me that parents are people too and and make bad decisions that effect everyone around them.
    Last edited by Liara Fire; 04-24-2012 at 07:58 AM.

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    Default Re: How does everyone handle parents they love, but don't care for?

    Quote Originally Posted by Aslinn View Post
    Well over the years I have learned that my mother will never apologize and she will never admit to being wrong, at least not out loud. I think she knows what she has done wrong and just chooses to ignore it. The same with my step-dad, they have both physically and mentally abused me (I went to foster care when i was 13), brought me and my other siblings into there fights, put themselves before there own child's welfare, and at one point allowed me to be beat by an ex boyfriend in my mothers home in front of my sister who was then six and then my mother threatened to have me arrested even though I was the one bruised and bloody while he laughed on our front porch.


    Thanks everyone for the responses, sometimes I need help analyzing myself or figuring out if I'm wrong lol but atleast i'm not 40 whining about how my parents fucked me up.
    The problem is you aren't facing the painful reality now, so odds are you will be "whining" about your parents at 40 because you aren't helping yourself now. You're having trouble facing the reality that you never had a mother. It's painful to feel that way before or after her death but being in denial only delays the truth until in middle age (which is so typical it's cliche). You will have the same crisis millions before you have had, the mid-life crisis. That's what it is. All the stuff you gloss over and pretend and "stomach" comes right back up because there is an actual limit to how much abuse and pain a person can absorb. You can consciously work with a therapist to get the specific support you need now or you can slowly begin to act out your mounting pain on others or yourself. That's how it works. There is no magical garbage chute where you can throw abusive acts. Every second you are exposing yourself you are sustaining damage. A person hits you again and again and the muscles and organ break down. Every emotional hit and spiritual hit they give and YOU give (because you are abusing yourself now) breaks down your self esteem and will to live and love yourself and your life. Your sense of value goes down with every incident.

    You picked the word whining and I suspect you judge yourself and shame yourself for holding them accountable. If you point the finger at people who abused you viciously enough to warrant intervention from the authorities, people who have destroyed your childhood, people who have set you up for abandonment you have an OBLIGATION to not only whine it out but scream it out! They VIOLATED you--you are NOT wrong! I pray you take this in for real so you don't end up having to do it 20 years from now. I really wish I knew you in person so I could break it down to you at length but there is a ton of information out there to support what I'm telling you.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: How does everyone handle parents they love, but don't care for?

    OK I found some ebook links to get you some support.
    http://3pdf.com/?pdf=http://www.rout...rents%20and%20...
    http://3pdf.com/?pdf=http://www.twu....heir%20Effects
    http://3pdf.com/?pdf=http://www.agts...20PCP%20539%20...
    http://3pdf.com/?pdf=http://www.tran...g%20the%20Mind
    Check out Toxic Parents by Dr Susan Forward and People of the Lie by M Scott Peck. http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-.../dp/0553284347
    http://www.amazon.com/People-Lie-Hop.../dp/0684848597
    They can get you started. You want to be healed and clear of the bullshit they've programmed you with to make you think their behavior is alright BEFORE your child and marriage can be affected.
    Last edited by Optimist; 03-29-2012 at 03:39 PM.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: How does everyone handle parents they love, but don't care for?

    Dr Susan Forward also has a great book - Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them -- it is a must read for anyone who is in a physical or vebally abusive relationship

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    Default Re: How does everyone handle parents they love, but don't care for?

    Quote Originally Posted by Optimist View Post
    The problem is you aren't facing the painful reality now, so odds are you will be "whining" about your parents at 40 because you aren't helping yourself now. You're having trouble facing the reality that you never had a mother. It's painful to feel that way before or after her death but being in denial only delays the truth until in middle age (which is so typical it's cliche). You will have the same crisis millions before you have had, the mid-life crisis. That's what it is. All the stuff you gloss over and pretend and "stomach" comes right back up because there is an actual limit to how much abuse and pain a person can absorb. You can consciously work with a therapist to get the specific support you need now or you can slowly begin to act out your mounting pain on others or yourself. That's how it works. There is no magical garbage chute where you can throw abusive acts. Every second you are exposing yourself you are sustaining damage. A person hits you again and again and the muscles and organ break down. Every emotional hit and spiritual hit they give and YOU give (because you are abusing yourself now) breaks down your self esteem and will to live and love yourself and your life. Your sense of value goes down with every incident.

    You picked the word whining and I suspect you judge yourself and shame yourself for holding them accountable. If you point the finger at people who abused you viciously enough to warrant intervention from the authorities, people who have destroyed your childhood, people who have set you up for abandonment you have an OBLIGATION to not only whine it out but scream it out! They VIOLATED you--you are NOT wrong! I pray you take this in for real so you don't end up having to do it 20 years from now. I really wish I knew you in person so I could break it down to you at length but there is a ton of information out there to support what I'm telling you.
    I appreciate your help and good intentions but I think you got the wrong impression of where I am at mentally and emotionally with my family and myself. I am way past the things with my mom (regardless of her being a bad parent you can't replace things you don't like.). I was shocked by my step-dad because I had always glamorized him as the good parent and over my visit I realized that was a childhood view. Also I don't judge myself for knowing they were not the best parents, actually that concept completely escapes me because I was just a child I didn't control me, I do think people who continue to blame and dwell on past bad events are whining when they now control there life and can turn it into whatever they want too. I have a brother who is in his mid-thirties and thats all he does is blame his failures on my mother and his father which in my opinion is a cop out because he hasn't had contact with ether in over 15 years. His actions as an adult are his own as are mine. But that is just my belief, I just wanted to thank you for your help and concern because I know you took time to think about helping someone, it's just it would have helped me at an earlier point of my healing process.

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    Default Re: How does everyone handle parents they love, but don't care for?

    Quote Originally Posted by Aslinn View Post
    I appreciate your help and good intentions but I think you got the wrong impression of where I am at mentally and emotionally with my family and myself. I am way past the things with my mom (regardless of her being a bad parent you can't replace things you don't like.). I was shocked by my step-dad because I had always glamorized him as the good parent and over my visit I realized that was a childhood view. Also I don't judge myself for knowing they were not the best parents, actually that concept completely escapes me because I was just a child I didn't control me, I do think people who continue to blame and dwell on past bad events are whining when they now control there life and can turn it into whatever they want too. I have a brother who is in his mid-thirties and thats all he does is blame his failures on my mother and his father which in my opinion is a cop out because he hasn't had contact with ether in over 15 years. His actions as an adult are his own as are mine. But that is just my belief, I just wanted to thank you for your help and concern because I know you took time to think about helping someone, it's just it would have helped me at an earlier point of my healing process.
    There's a lot of information on what your brother is going through. Think of it this way, if you are raped and never see the rapist again, you still feel the effects for years afterwards. If youare robbed you can feel unsafe for years afterwards. Some people even move because they can't cope with the trauma while continuing to live at the scene of the crime. That's typical for a one time event. He (and you) has had repeated trauma which leads to C-PTSD.(snip) Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) is a condition that results from chronic or long-term exposure to emotional trauma over which a victim has little or no control and from which there is little or no hope of escape. The degree of C-PTSD trauma cannot be defined purely in terms of the trauma that a person has experienced. It is important to understand that each person is different and has a different tolerance level to trauma. Therefore, what one person may be able to shake off, another person may not. Therefore more or less exposure to trauma does not necessarily make the C-PTSD any more or less severe.

    C-PTSD sufferers may "stuff" or suppress their emotional reaction to traumatic events without resolution either because they believe each event by itself doesn't seem like such a big deal or because they see no satisfactory resolution opportunity available to them. This suppression of "emotional baggage" can continue for a long time either until a "last straw" event occurs, or a safer emotional environment emerges and the damn begins to break.(snip) http://www.outofthefog.net/Disorders/CPTSD.html

    If you are brainwashed especially in your formative years, you have to re-learn the healthy functional way to behave because all you've been taught is the dysfunctional way. That takes a lot of time and effort while you simultaneously tend to your survival needs in the here and now. Those are the kinds of things he's coping with.
    http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/fac...nsequences.cfm
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: How does everyone handle parents they love, but don't care for?

    I grew up in a dysfunctial home. I attended adult children of alcoholics to learn functional behaviour. It's free. MY father ,paternal grandfather ,and maternal grandfather were alcoholics. My mother grew up in an alcoholic home so even though she never drank , she still had the "ism's " of being raised with an alcoholic parent. She did the best she could / knew raising us with the skills she had. I cant change my past but I am responsible for my future. When our parents are incapable of giving us the necessary tools to function in life , then we are responsible to fill our own tool bag with new healthy skills.

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