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Thread: A FWB Situation

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    Default A FWB Situation

    So this is not really too serious of an issue. Basically I was FWB with a guy for a few weeks and then kind of grew tired of it (because I want a relationship, but I have been so hurt by guys in the past and it is hard for me). I want something more, so basically I sent him a text two days ago that I don't think we should hang anymore and good luck with the rest of his school year (to sum it up). He texted me back the next morning "Why?" I didn't reply because I really wasn't in the mood honestly. So today I was out and him and his friend were driving by and he stopped and was like "Hey, where are you heading?" I didn't want to be a bitch so I said hey and told him I had some stuff to take care of. That was that.

    My whole thing is since obviously I'm nothing more than sex to him, why ask me for a explanation instead of just saying ok and why speak to me when I already told him I didn't want to hang with him anymore???

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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    If a guy can use a woman for sex without doing a damn thing for her he's not going to want to let that go. Free sex with no strings? That's the best arrangement for any guy out there. He doesn't have to be cool or have money, he doesn't even have to have a job. Some condoms and he's all set.

    Just tell him you're no longer interested in sex with him any longer. Don't give him the " I want a relationship" thing. Guys will typically paste a fake title to your relationship just so they can get sex from you now while the search out other options behind your back. I've seen this happen loads of times.

    Just cut him off. If he found some girl that he wanted to bang he would have cut you off without thinking twice.

    I mean his "Why" is saying " Why can't I keep just fucking you? Is that someone that really deserves an explanation? Nope!

    He will continue to contact you and insist on "hanging out". He may even not make the first move but feel after hanging out for a while, you will not be able to resist him. You'll give in like before and start sleeping with him all over again meanwhile your emotions for him will become stronger. You'll get frustrated and later have the " lets be together talk". That's when he'll either give you a fake relationship or he'll talk about some other girl he's been fucking on the side.Then out of your desire to win him over , you'll keep fucking him like it's some sort of competition when both women in the situation are not actually going to be winning anything.

    ^ Seen this situation play out loads of times. It's like watching a bad traffic accident. You just have to look.

    My advice. Don't hang out with him anymore. Don't answer his calls. Just cut him off completely.

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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    Quote Originally Posted by cherryblossomsinspring View Post
    I mean his "Why" is saying " Why can't I keep just fucking you? Is that someone that really deserves an explanation? Nope!
    This.

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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    I woudlnt exactly say anything negative about him for "using you" since well, you used him too. You both openly went into an FWB situation afterall. So to say that you should cut this guy out of your life and he deserves no explaination because you guys agreed to be fwb and had sex together is a bit harsh... Unless theres more to this that you didnt put in this thread and he has actually been a total jerk to you in some way. Id guess he was just curious...maybe hes wondering if he did something to turn you off or offended you somehow. Maybe he actually did grow to like you as a person on some level, and did want to know why you couldnt keep seeing each other. Who knows..only him.

    I do know that I have an FWB, we went into it as FWB (we met on AFF even!) I have told him lots of times that I just wasnt feeling it, for the exact same reason you have for not seeing yours anymore. I was upfront, told him that I want more out of a relationship than that...he totally understood and gave me my space. When I started dating my ex, I told him I didnt want to see him anymore cause I wanted to see where things go with this guy, and the whole time we were together, almost 3 years, we never had sex, but he still checked in on me. We've now known each other about 8yrs...he has always been really sweet and nice to me, still invites me out and we talk about stuff... But we are not at all romantic, we just like having sex together.

    Anyway, if you dont want to tell him why you prefer not to see him anymore, then take heart, that is the beauty of being in an FWB, that you dont have to really say anything, you can just disappear, unlike in a traditional relationship. It could be done nicer I think, but I guess that is the risk of being in a relationship like that, that the other person will just drop you and you dont see them again with no idea why. But no one on either end really has any reason to be upset about that....thats included in the no strings definition I guess. I mean, I couldnt do that to someone and Ive never had a fwb do that to me like that, but I know thats how a lot of people do it.
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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    I saw him tonight. He called while I was sleeping to let him in our building cause he was locked out. He was like you look stressed are you good, the message came out of no where, that's not what you want, and was like he would hit me up another day. I let him in and was planning on walking up stairs and he asked why I wasn't riding the elevator. I had just walked away after letting him in, he striked up a convo.

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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    I'm really just over guys, and would rather be the cat lady. Like who gives a fuck if I'm stressed or not, I was just clearly ass to him. Guys irritate me.

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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    I totally feel lost here...so was this guy a FWB or were you guys dating? I mean, I totally dont understand that you are mad that you were "just ass" to a guy you were just fwb with, for a few weeks even. Thats what being a fwb is..someone you have no strings attached sex with. But if you guys were dating, and all he was interested in was sex, then can I understand why youre frustrated with him.
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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    Jessica just wanted to say i know exactly how you're feeling. The whole thing is just frustrating, not even just the FWB...add in our past experiences and just the whole damn thing.

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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    FWB is suppose to be mutually beneficial. Maybe you started as FWB but you started to fall for him. I'm the same way. I'm always falling in love with somebody. My advice is to keep your distance before you really get hurt. As I say this I know it's easier said than done.

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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    I really dont mean to sound...mean or anything. But yeah I totally agree that fwb is supposed to be mutually beneficial...but how is it the guys fault if the girl decides to change her mind? I think its way better, if she decides she wants a serious relationship instead, and he doesnt feel that way, that hes honest about it, rather than go along with it just to keep having sex with her. Thats even if she spoke up and said anything to begin with....he may not realize that shes decided hes her bf now.

    But before all of that even happens, or in the future, I think its best if someone is honest with themselves, if they know they cannot be in a nsa sexual relationship and the type to fall for someone they are having sex with, then trying to have a fwb just isnt going to work. Someone who accepts less than what they want and deserve isnt being fair to themselves.
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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    I have to agree that I'm just not seeing what this guy did in particular to make you so harsh to him. You were (mutually) nsa fun for a few weeks, you decided you didn't want to go that route anymore, and have decided to just be an utter ass to him in order to make him go away? I understand the whole "we were just sleeping together so I don't owe him some long explanation" thing, but imagine if the situation were reversed. You're sleeping with a guy, having a good time, not expecting anything, thinking he's not expecting anything, then one day - out of the blue to you - he just suddenly tells you to have a nice life and is a total blow-off douche if you run into him and try to ask him how he is.... How would that feel? I understand the frustration at men in general, but you're the one who put yourself in an FWB type situation. It's not his fault if you should've known it wasn't for you. It's not really fair to take out some general man-hating feelings on some guy who you willingly hooked up with and probably honestly doesn't know what he did to piss you off. As far as I can tell, all this guy has done to annoy you is ask "why?" when you said "let's not see each other anymore," and dare to try to talk to you when you let him into the building...

    Not to sound mean and point a finger, but I'm just thinking that if the situation was reversed, you'd be here telling the same story, but going "what an ass! Why is he treating me like that all of a sudden with no explanation when I thought things were all good and casual?" I agree you don't need to let him into the inner workings of your personal life, and if you can't handle the FWB thing then get away from it. But if you're gonna go the route of just turning into some cold "I hate all men" bitch persona toward him, I really don't think his confusion should be shocking... If you feel no guilt about leaving him in the dark, then just let it play itself and he'll go away eventually... but no sense in getting overly angry at a guy just because he's curious what the heck happened.
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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    Well said Aurora, but I can't say that I wouldn't feel like Jessica in the same situation.

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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    I understand how she feels too - can't say I've never gotten pissy with a guy in an FWB situation when I liked him more than that. Just saying that if you put yourself in that situation, it's unnecessary to expend so much anger to someone who is just wondering "huh? what happened?" As far as I can tell, nothing was said before this in regards to wanting an actual relationship, so how would he know why she's upset and blowing him off now?

    I also feel like there's a lot of bitterness in this statement:


    Quote Originally Posted by JessicaCM View Post
    =

    My whole thing is since obviously I'm nothing more than sex to him, why ask me for a explanation instead of just saying ok and why speak to me when I already told him I didn't want to hang with him anymore???
    It just sounds like a very angry "If you don't give a shit about me anyway, why act like you do/Why not just treat me like the disposable pussy you think I am and forget about me" sort of statement.... Like you're mad that he doesn't care about you more than sex, but are trying to act like it doesn't matter if that's what he thinks as long as he just acts in accordance and doesn't give a shit if you want to. Almost like you want him to not give a shit so you can be justified in your anger at him for not liking you in a more romantic way.

    Like I said, if you want to end things, fine. Even if you never want to speak to him again, fine. But he's gonna be curious, and if you really don't care about him anymore, just delete his number and ignore him til he goes away. No reason to waste precious time and energy thinking to yourself "what a douchebag, trying to talk to me like that!"
    Last edited by Aurora_Sunset; 04-02-2012 at 02:03 PM.
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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    The guy was probably having a great time and loving the situation, you really wonder why he might want to keep a good thing going?
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    I understand how she feels too - can't say I've never gotten pissy with a guy in an FWB situation when I liked him more than that. Just saying that if you put yourself in that situation, it's unnecessary to expend so much anger to someone who is just wondering "huh? what happened?" As far as I can tell, nothing was said before this in regards to wanting an actual relationship, so how would he know why she's upset and blowing him off now?
    I agree. I didn't think you were being unsympathetic to Jessica, I thought you gave good balanced advise. I was just saying that in my case, I allow my feelings to get in way of a perfectly good FWB relationship sometimes.

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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    Most women are Jessica in all courtships in the beginning. That's generally why we all have jobs because men are more apt to dealing with cold emotionless sexual relationships than women are. With that being said. She told him she's not interested and she doesn't need to give him any sort of explanation. Maybe she can say her vagina doesn't work any more. Would that be better? He wants to keep using her for sex like many guys would hope to. If we all did FWB situations none of us would have male friends and none of us would have jobs. He could just call 30 girls up to see if their warm beds were ready for him to get in. So it was fun for a week or two but she's no longer interested. She can be mad and upset. Women generally don't do the FWB because it's generally too damn empty for us and we desire a more emotional ( where the fuck is this going ) connection.

    Many women will stay in a relationship with years of bad 1min sex. Why oh why would she do that ? Because she's in it for the long haul. A guy? Bad sex or no sex would either be cheating or would dumb that girl fast.

    The old saying goes: women have sex for love and men love to have sex, or Women have sex for the emotion, where men give emotion to have sex.

    I know we're in the sexual revolution time where women are trying to go out there and fuck emotionless like men do. Funny thing is it's not working that well for women on a whole. Can you imagine getting knocked up by some guy that just wanted you as a fuck toy? Women have more to loose which is why parents give their sons condoms and tell their daughters to keep their damn legs closed.

    Plus BlkSharpie you escort so you're able to compartmentalize your emotions which is something most women cannot do. But again if every woman was having FWB situations you'd be out of a job. So be glad that women are the way they are. Keeps you employed and keeps men paying.

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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    THANKS LADIES FOR ALL THE INPUT.

    So 2 hours ago he texted to to find out the deal cause he said he was shocked and wanted to know about my change of mind. I told him I had some personal problems didn't want sexual relationships anymore basically. He didn't even say "ok" "I understand. Hope everything works out for you too". NOTHING. Like you can't even take 60 secs to reply to that. Guess we will never be friends or nothing. I HATE MEN I SWEAR.

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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    I'm not really understanding the hostility here. The idea of whether or not women are "hardwired" for FWB relationships or not or whether or not we would be out of a job if every woman was into FWB is irrelevant to the idea of personal responsibility for your actions or not wasting unnecessary anger on someone who hasn't really done anything. If Jessica isn't into FWB, that's fine, but it doesn't change the fact that her hand wasn't forced in this situation. No one but her put herself in an FWB situation. If she knew she wasn't the kind of woman for FWB, she shouldn't have been in one. It's good she's getting away, but that still doesn't make it the guy's fault. Are we seriously saying that because women aren't usually cut out for FWB, that even if they choose to put themselves there, they still have a right to blame the guy and get mad if he goes along with what she agreed to? Let's not pretend like we're mindless puppets who can't make our own sexual decisions and shouldn't be responsible for our own emotions. All I was saying was that the guy really didn't do anything to inspire such man-hating feelings besides only wanting her for sex.... but as far as I can tell, she originally acted like all she wanted was sex as well, so it doesn't make sense to lash out and hate him if you couldn't be honest with your own feelings from the start.

    No one is questioning whether or not women are wired to handle FWB or whether or not Jessica has a right to end things if she's decided it's not her thing...I don't think anyone is even arguing that she owes him an explanation. I was simply saying take a step back and ask yourself did this guy really do anything that heinous? Is it really that shocking that he would wonder why? If she was here with the story reversed, would we be giving her the cold hard truth and saying "He doesn't owe you an explanation why he doesn't want to see you anymore, so stop bothering him" or would we be sympathetic and calling him a douche for turning on her out of the blue?

    I myself have cut off several FWBs without explanation. Not saying anyone owes anyone anything.... just saying take responsibility for putting yourself in the situation in the first place, and don't waste precious energy getting overly pissed at a guy who should be nothing to you. Regardless of whether or not "women being the way they are keeps me in business," I still believe people should be responsible for their own actions and feelings.


    Edit: Just saw your last post, Jessica. Shouldn't you be happy he's off your back now?
    Last edited by Aurora_Sunset; 04-02-2012 at 08:36 PM.
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  29. #19
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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    I'm not really understanding the hostility here. The idea of whether or not women are "hardwired" for FWB relationships or not or whether or not we would be out of a job if every woman was into FWB is irrelevant to the idea of personal responsibility for your actions or not wasting unnecessary anger on someone who hasn't really done anything. If Jessica isn't into FWB, that's fine, but it doesn't change the fact that her hand wasn't forced in this situation. No one but her put herself in an FWB situation. If she knew she wasn't the kind of woman for FWB, she shouldn't have been in one. It's good she's getting away, but that still doesn't make it the guy's fault. Are we seriously saying that because women aren't usually cut out for FWB, that even if they choose to put themselves there, they still have a right to blame the guy and get mad if he goes along with what she agreed to? Let's not pretend like we're mindless puppets who can't make our own sexual decisions and shouldn't be responsible for our own emotions. All I was saying was that the guy really didn't do anything to inspire such man-hating feelings besides only wanting her for sex.... but as far as I can tell, she originally acted like all she wanted was sex as well, so it doesn't make sense to lash out and hate him if you couldn't be honest with your own feelings from the start. No one is questioning whether or not women are wired to handle FWB or whether or not Jessica has a right to end things if she's decided it's not her thing...I don't think anyone is even arguing that she owes him an explanation. I was simply saying take a step back and ask yourself did this guy really do anything that heinous? Is it really that shocking that he would wonder why? If she was here with the story reversed, would we be giving her the cold hard truth and saying "He doesn't owe you an explanation why he doesn't want to see you anymore, so stop bothering him" or would we be sympathetic and calling him a douche for turning on her out of the blue?I myself have cut off several FWBs without explanation. Not saying anyone owes anyone anything.... just saying take responsibility for putting yourself in the situation in the first place, and don't waste precious energy getting overly pissed at a guy who should be nothing to you. Regardless of whether or not "women being the way they are keeps me in business," I still believe people should be responsible for their own actions and feelings.Edit: Just saw your last post, Jessica. Shouldn't you be happy he's off your back now?
    Yeah but it's fucked up how I helped him out and wished him well and the least he could do was say he understands or good luck too you too. He didn't even reply back.

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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    It's easy for many people to get off on interpersonal drama. I feel like you're allowing yourself to become immersed in that mentality. You don't want guys to treat you like shit anymore? Stop allowing them to. Communicating to someone you're in any sort of relationship with is key. When you act moody and secretive and don't tell a guy you're sleeping with what's on your mind, he's probably going to go with that dumbass "bitches be crazy" philosophy. But guys who pull that are assholes to begin, so why give them the time of day? So many people wouldn't know what to do with themselves if they didn't have some issue or person to bitch about. But if you truly want this kind of drama out of your life, stop playing into it. Cut out the negative people; let it all go. Refocus on the positives and the person you want to be, not on how much you hate men, because it'll just attract you more shitty men.

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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    Yeah but that's how it is when you are worth no more than garbage in a man's eyes. Fuck him, and them all!

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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    I hope the "hostility" comment wasn't for me. I just said basically she's going to feel what she feels and that's ok. Her emotions are her own. Why beat her up for "feeling" as if it's something bad. She's now done with him and can move on to someone that appreciates all her her not just what's between her legs.


    My explanation about women and men and FWB was for her. Not anyone else. I was showing her some understanding based on what usually happens in these situations, plus it was to comment on a comment made on my post to her. That post was to show her that her feelings are not unlike others in a similar situation.


    Are we here to make her feel bad or to give her some positive thoughts to move on from here?


    Many women try it to see if it's all that it cracked up to be and most find it empty. So that's when this wait" why am I doing this " and for what?" comes out at some point. Not all women feel this way but I would say most do. Now I wonder if she contacted him and said " well I met someone" how would he react then? Or I want to sleep with this new guy I met. Would he feel bothered or would it not matter as long as he could get in the rotation? Who knows.


    She's just hurt. Let her cool down for awhile and date guys the are looking for something serious.


    Jessica I wouldn't have given him any explanation and saying you're having "emotional issues" makes you sound like you are drama. You just don't want sex from him anymore and that's fine. I suggested to not respond to him at all. His only concern is where is he going to stick his dick again , not about your feelings which was pretty clear with his non response.

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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    Judging all men by the stupidity of one or even many of them is ridiculous. How they view or treat you should not dictate your life. If your stance truly is "fuck him and them all," then you shouldn't be so upset about this. Yes, this sort of thing sucks, but acting the victim is childish. If you'd like to continue rolling around in your self-afflicted misery, go ahead, but that sort of behavior is what assholes look for and feed on.

    Edit: rereading, I sound like I'm trying to be an asshole. I'm not. I just think that people get into patterns of being the victim and focusing on what has been done to them instead of what they can change so that it doesn't happen anymore. Not to be all self-helpy, but if you change your mentality, you can change your life.

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  36. #24
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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    Quote Originally Posted by cherryblossomsinspring View Post
    I hope the "hostility" comment wasn't for me. I just said basically she's going to feel what she feels and that's ok. Her emotions are her own. Why beat her up for "feeling" as if it's something bad.
    I wasn't trying to beat her up for feeling or imply that her feelings were "bad." I just simply think that people need to examine why they feel the way they do and whether or not their feelings or responses especially to the feelings are rational or not. For instance, there is a girl who is obsessed with my bf who feels that, even after a year of my bf and I being together, that me being in the bar where she works is unacceptable and some sort of betrayal toward her on his part. She can feel it all she wants, but that doesn't make it rational - it certainly doesn't make it acceptable or excusable for her to send my bf nasty text messages about it when I walk onto the premises. I know, not the same situation, just an example of something I'm dealing with where someone feels a certain way about things and then acts in a way that is not rational or mature. My philosophy (as I've told other people about my personal situation) is that someone can feel any freaking way they want to, but they need to at least recognize where the feelings come from and then act in a manner that is rational and mature, even if it's not what they feel like doing... Feel whatever you want but own those feelings and the responsibility for the situations you are in.

    I'm not saying people aren't allowed to feel or be angry - or that emotions are bad or anything. I was just trying to give a balanced perspective because I believe that people should analyze and understand why they think or feel the way they think or feel. If I all I did was pat her head and go "there there" she would never hear the perspective of someone who says "nothing really horrible happened here." I was just trying to give a different perspective on the situation so she would introspect and perhaps get over it a little faster rather than feeling like a victim indefinitely. She can choose to take what I say into consideration and calm down a little bit.... or she can choose to think I'm full of shit and ignore me and just be angry with him for longer... I just wish for people to take a step back and calmly try to reason whether or not their harsh reactions are really necessary in the situation... or if they can see it as not that big of a deal and move on and stop torturing themselves with the anger sooner.
    Last edited by Aurora_Sunset; 04-02-2012 at 09:53 PM.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.






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    Default Re: A FWB Situation

    If I've read the OP's posts correctly, here's what her "friend" (FWB, right?) has done so far:

    1. Asks her "why" a lot, but then ignores her answers.

    2. Shows up at her place unannounced and wakes her up to let him into the building.

    3. Says he's shocked (four days after she first told him)

    4. Responds to her explanation by saying, "That's not what you want." (!!!) <-----This alone makes him a colossal douchebag

    5. Tells her that he'll hit her up another day. (Great! Thanks for listening!)

    6. This is his response to her most recent, detailed explanation: <crickets> <crickets>

    Her feelings for him aside, I think she's got reason to be upset at the treatment from somebody who has obviously been masquerading as a human being.
    Last edited by All Good Things; 04-02-2012 at 10:41 PM.

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