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Thread: Boyfriends and dancing

  1. #1
    Member Jacquelynstarr's Avatar
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    Default Boyfriends and dancing

    Ladies, I am desperate for some feedback from this community. I have been dancing for the past two years. I met someone a few months after I moved to this city and started dancing. We have had a rocky relationship, very often going in circles about my choice of job. I have not always valued my job. Or myself, for that matter. In an effort to avoid contention in the relationship, I have put my needs last and very often chosen NOT to go to work. However, last fall, I made a decision to go back to school and complete my undergrad. I worked very hard during that timers pay off my debt to the school. This semester, I am a full-time student. I am afraid that I have totally wrecked my relationship.

    From the start, I told him that I was a dancer. I never concealed my truth from him. I have, at times, considered quitting dancing for the sake of his happiness. Something always seemed to happen--we would break up, for instance--and I would inevitably find myself back in the clubs. I enjoy my work. I'm really good at it. I have no interest in working at McDonald's as he has suggested. No f- ing way! I have many personal goals, and am not afraid to pursue them...except that I feel like this relationship is getting in the way. I keep letting it get in the way. I have the opportunity to be a top earner in the club. I am making opportunities to become a certified yoga teacher this year. I intend to enroll again full-time this fall. I would like to do some sort of modeling. I will be volunteering this summer. I do not feel like I am in a bad or desperate place...except in this relationship.

    I am struggling with making the decision to leave. For good. For ever. I am currently in therapy because of anxiety attacks, and my very chill counselor totally supports my job and career goals. I don't know how to give myself the okay to break away. All I want to do is fix it! If he would work with me, we could... But he is not. He is so caught up in my identity as a stripper that he will only see me as a fraud and a liar. I, for my part in this, told him that I needed at least 8 weeks until I looked for another job, until the end of the semester. And, with the help of the counselor, I am realizing that I do not want to quit. I want to buy my first house. I want to finish my degree. I want to be in charge of my life. And I am also terrified of being alone. Are there boyfriends out there that truly support YOU? How do I learn how to believe I deserve one? How do I fix things with the one I love, or does fixing things sometimes mean leaving?

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    God/dess shanna dior's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriends and dancing

    There are way better guys out there who will not only support your dancing but will see you as more than just your job. You didn't wreck this relationship by dancing - he knew what he was getting himself into. It sounds like you're just not a good fit because he is unable/unwilling to accept that there is more to you than just being a stripper. You DO deserve better, so please don't quit for him.

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    Featured Member GlitterBexie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriends and dancing

    You are in my exact situation, im literally going through this as we speak. I realised that i do love him, but i think i love dancing more than him, (for me dancing encompasses freedom, independance, cash flow, social life, direct correlation to qulity of life) which, by reasoning, means i love me more than him, which to be honest, im pleased about, cause in the past, i would have chopped my arms off with a rusty spoon to be with him. Now he is playing the "i love you, i want you to get a proper job etc" card, i need help to get out of the relationship with as much damage control as possible, We live in a fairly small area, but i have a place (safe) to live, enough cash saved up meaning i wouldnt have to work for a couple of weeks and lay low (meaning he would think i had gone back home-home ie to my parents a long way away) and eventually put things together. I love him and i will miss him, but i know if it starts now with the "i want" from him, it can only get worse. He is racist, doesnt respect (most of) my opinions regarding culture and life, he is a mysoginist, and he can be sweet, but feels the need to be "the one in control" which i dont want, im liberal, judge each person on their own individualness etc, i would be terrified of my future children being subjected to such narrow minded hate filled views that he has.

    Im racking my brains trying to think of how to end it positively. But its getting to the point where im considering faking a pregnancy to see if he would do a runner on me so it could be slightly easier on me. Or possibly faking my death. Im being dramatic but i havent got a clue hw to get out without some form of immense pressure, i would love us to just decide to be friends and go our separate ways but he's not that kind of person. I need to grow some balls and just leave, but i think that would be worse, and unfair on him. We love each other but im fairly certain we both know its not right/going to be right if we stay together for the sake of "it might get better" he is never going to change and i have no intention of changing, ive done enough submitting and giving things up. Id forgotten how much i loved dancing.

    I hope you can get out too, its not worth being unhappy for. There is better and you deserve to be happy.
    ''I love fake boobs''
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    Default Re: Boyfriends and dancing

    If a guy is going to TELL you not do strip, then he is not worth your time at all in the end. My SO tried to pull that with me and I told him its the only way I can make a lot of money in a short amount of time. At first he said "you like stripping more than me? You'd pick that over me?" and I told him yeah, I would pick NOT living in financial hell over you any day! If he loves you and is worth your time, then he will stay with you even if you are stripping. That's how it is for me anyway. But I think I just got lucky with him

    Anyway...fuck any guy who tries to control you. It will NEVER end well. He will always find something to control in your life and that type of guy should be alone.

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    Featured Member FiendishGyrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriends and dancing

    Dump him. Focus on yourself and your goals and strengthen your boundaries so you know in future dating situations how to keep YOURSELF a priority.

    The good men want you to put yourself first (not in a selfish way, but in a healthy way.) The bad ones want you to put them first and could care if you're second or last on your list of priorities.
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    Featured Member Natalllia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriends and dancing

    There is not a man on this Earth for whom I would work at a goddamn McDonald's. I worked in fast food when I was 14 (it was the only place in town that hired 14 year olds), and it was by FAR the worst job I've ever had. (And I've been steadily employed for, oh, 17 years straight or so). Hell fucking no.

    Any man that suggested I give up my job- a job I like and am good at -for working in fast food would be shown the door immediately. He either profoundly misunderstands what I want in life, or he doesn't give a fuck about my happiness if it makes him uncomfortable. Either way, deal-breaker.
    "I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them"
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    Default Re: Boyfriends and dancing

    A friend of mine quit dancing for her partner on the proviso he paid her expenses (she is an expensive, very expensive girl). He is still desperately in love with her and she... is getting bored.

    Please read over FiendishG's comments again. I think you already know that you will come through this, we are a lot stronger than we think. Do you have support networks in place? healthy relationships with friends and family etc.
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Featured Member GlitterBexie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriends and dancing

    Just as an update, i did leave, am still dancing and am happier than ive ever been. Dont let anyone other than you be your life compass. xx
    ''I love fake boobs''
    ''They're not fake! I grew them myself!''

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    God/dess Kisca's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriends and dancing

    Hes not going to change. My 1st bf who was absuive was on.off with stripping in the end he hated it. My current bf met me as a dancer and I told him if its a problem it wont work, he understands and supports me whether im dancing or if I decide to do something else, as long as I have a long term plan with my life. He isnt going to change, his view seem very clouded and misjugded... those of people dont have an open mind... which will be hard to change. Even if he says OK for a while he wont be ok with it in the long run. If you already tried it and enjoy it and are suffering through HIS choices, leave him. Think of all your problems that will be solved when he is out of the picture. Sure its difficult and lonely.. but thats life, it'll pick you up at some point. You being busy alone with school and work will keep your mind off him that you wont even realize how much time has passed. If you already want to dance and knwo it and he is bringing you down then leave him.

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    Featured Member Spinnerette's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriends and dancing

    Quote Originally Posted by GlitterBexie View Post
    Dont let anyone other than you be your life compass. xx
    Can we sticky just this part? This is awesome and what it always boils down to. <3 You go, girlie.

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    Member Jacquelynstarr's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriends and dancing

    Thank you all so much! I've been reading and re-reading these posts. Boyfriend and I are taking space. Meanwhile, I am learning how to take care of my emotional needs. I have allowed him to walk all over me. I think, now that I have allowed it, he may always feel entitled to it. The stronger I get, the less I feel able to return to that entitlement. I'm taking a year from dating. And I'm just gonna work! I'm excited, and terrified, and excited. I'm going to learn a LOT! In one year, I will look back, and I will be able to admire the steps I took, on my own, as a woman, in complete faith. I deserve better than to be in a place of utter dependency in a relationship. We all do. With love and gratitude...

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    Default Re: Boyfriends and dancing

    I would not date while dancing period, as MOST men can not handle it. I am not going to sacrifice my $ for a relationship. Dancing provides a faster income a lot of the time, and I have shit to take care of and I won't slow things down for a man. When I am ready for a serious relationship, then I will consider hanging up the heels long before Mr. Right comes along. I say, NEVER stop doing something you love to make a man happy. If he loves you enough, he would accept it. Besides, you were doing this BEFORE he came along. Too late to change the game now.

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    Default Re: Boyfriends and dancing

    ^ I'm the same. I can't date while I do this. Currently it serves no purpose for me to quit when most guys can't afford to take care of themselves, let alone bills for two people. So I can pay my own way if you're out of my way! Get Moving!

    If Mr. Right does come along then he will be Mr. Right and it would never be an issue of " ooh but I have to work because ...... Nope I shouldn't have to if you're that right. For now this works perfectly because I get the fun and the money. When a guy wants to do for me what all these men combined do, then sure I will have no issues in quitting, but generally their attempts are on short term or short supply.

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    Featured Member FiendishGyrator's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriends and dancing

    I've had a few guys who could handle it, but they went through shit in their earlier life so dancing in relation to their previous experiences was nothing.

    But, it's very hard to find people who've gone through shit, and have dealt with it so that their shit doesn't become an issue.

    Plus-- I think a lot of people are untrustworthy, and untrustworthy people don't trust other people because they know how untrustworthy they are...

    I find trustworthy people don't tend to have this issue-- they know I'm not going to cheat. Now I'm an escort. Wasn't an escort when I dated my boyfriend but I was a stripper. However, I was able to be completely 100% honest with him, and we discussed it before really dating-- that I might, at some point, want to escort. And he's visited escorts (he was in the military) so he's cool with it. It also helps that we both prefer an open relationship, but so far neither one of us has slept with someone that hasn't been work related (meaning: I've only been sleeping for others for work.) He's been willing to see other escorts but his money situation is such that he's paying off things and so spending 2-300 isn't feasible without guilt over where else that money could have gone.

    However, at some point, he will go to an escort. Hell, I might even set up a special date with an escort who's pictures we both love.

    Anyway, different situations for different people, and what may work for you now, may not work for you three weeks from now. So I wouldn't rule out dating, but celibacy DOES put an extra fire in you to work-- or at least it does for me. When I danced, I loved getting turned on by some customers and some situations, and the power, and then coming home, taking care of myself and going to sleep. Having to consider someone else's feelings and personal needs can sometimes put a crimp in what works for you when dancing.
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    Default Re: Boyfriends and dancing

    I met my ex husband while I was a stripper. AT first he was OK with it so I continued...and then when he married me he slowly started giving me a hard time about it. Eventually he offered to support me so that I could be "stress free and not have to work" (when what he really wanted was to get me out of the club). So I stupidly accepted and stopped dancing. I became totally dependent financially on him which was nice for a while, until he started becoming a person I despised. He was controlling and manipulating. I left him finally but I had to go crawling back to my parents' house to survive and get help from them.

    It's about control. Simple as that. Exhusband used to tell me "If you go back to being a stripper, pack your shit and get out of my house". And since I had nowhere to go I was stuck. No money, no freedom, nada. Usually when guys are asking you to stop, it's a deeper agenda. Especially when they met you as a stripper, come on now!

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    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriends and dancing

    Very, very few men can handle it--no matter what they say at first. It's not necessarily always the men's fault--more a matter of how culture views the industry--and trust me it ain't just the men!

    Most women could never handle having a male stripper as a SO either. I've had a great deal of trouble dating civilian women just as a DJ in stripclubs.

    Better to just stay single and focus on yourself for a year or two. Make lots of money and be dependent on no one else but yourself for happiness.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

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    God/dess Flickdreams's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriends and dancing

    - Continue dating, but be selective and keep up all your interests. Always go to yoga on tuesdays and spend every 2nd friday with girlfriends? don't change it for a guy. Set boundries and standards from the beginning and dating becomes much easier, besides, if you dated a guy after you quit who was perfecto in every way BUT one day stripping came up (in general not you stripping) and he bagged strippers out./had extreme attitudes towards stripping, can you say that you would see the relationship in the same way???
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Featured Member GlitterBexie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Boyfriends and dancing

    My new boy i am seeing is in the industry (SC bouncer) he said to me "before i started working there, i thought all strippers were sluts, cause i didnt understand or know anything about it, now i can see youre just girls, less slutty than most "normal" girls, just hotter and more confident in being naked, you go earn your money babe and have fun, rinse them dry" hehe i think i may be in love lol xx
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