
Originally Posted by
ManyRoses
Hmmm... I am confused about your history - in your first post, you said that you had been dating for 12 years, but in this one, you said 20? It doesn't really have a huge impact on your opinions or their validity, but I am a little confused by that.
Anyway...
I don't think that it is "painstaking torture" to tell someone what I do right off the bat. (and OP - I really hope that this doesn't make you any more nervous than you already are!!!) When I am asked "so what do you do for living?" I say that I work online, and when pushed, I say some variation of "well, I used to be a stripper, but now I do that online - its kind of like phone sex, but on skype". The most common reaction that I have had has been one of curiosity, some shrugs, and one or two morons who start harping on about it, or make a big deal of it. If a guy starts attacking me or acting inappropriately, then I tell them that obviously they need a little time to digest that, and if they want to call me, they can. Then I leave. It isn't torture at all - specifically BECAUSE I am telling them right away, so I have no emotional investment in them or in their opinion. On a first date, I don't know a guy from a hole in the ground - why on earth would I care what they think of me??? And no one has ever done anything that I would consider "ripping me apart". Not even close.
And I definitely don't think that "9 times out of 10 it isn't going to work". Good lord that is negative!! Many relationships don't work out, but I feel like you have to go into each one with the attitude that this one WILL - if you start something assuming that it is going to fail, well, it'll probably fail. But I have worked hard to cultivate my positive attitude, and I know it isn't always the norm.
As for "owing your future" to someone - I absolutely never said that you "owe" anyone anything! But to me, why start a relationship if you are not intending to have a future with that person? Or at least hoping you could have one? I don't "owe" a guy a future, but if I KNOW that there is not a future to the relationship, and not even a possibility of a future with someone, why would I waste my time? The way that you create a "permanent commitment" is by opening up your life, and seeing if it matches theirs, if there is a fit between you. If you refuse to open up to someone, they will never commit to you - I certainly would never commit to someone who refused to tell me about themselves, or be the slightest bit vulnerable with me. I may date someone who is slow to open up (in fact, I PREFER to, because I am slow to trust) but I wouldn't commit to someone who never opens up at all.
I'm sorry that you have cried and felt degraded by crappy guys - your feelings here are actually making me feel even stronger about telling people from the get-go. I would hate to get to a point where a guy could make me cry with his opinion before telling him about such a large part of my life as my work.
And as for guys that will fuck you just for the bragging rights (oh, peeler-pounders, what hollow little dbags you are!) yup, they exist. But I find them pretty transparent, most of the time, and they guys who have just wanted me to be able to say they fucked a stripper/porn star don't stick around, or give me the respect that I require before I sleep with someone. And if a guy is going to continue to date me, treat me well, live up to his promises and introduce me to his friends just for the sake of a fuck, I'm going to allow him that! But I've never come accross it.
I would just like to say one more thing: I find your statement that "You'll see if you stay in this business long enough what it is like" to be fairly patronising - not sure if you meant it that way, but it didn't come across well at all to me. I have been in "this business" for the better part of a decade, and that's pretty much my entire adult life! I have worked in all different areas of the business (except for studio porn and escorting) to different degrees, and I have worked in the industry in multiple countries. I have also dated and maintained relationships throughout that time, culminating in the happy, loving relationship that I am in now, and that is going to become a marriage in the next year or so. I may not be as much of a veteran as some of the women who have been doing this for 20 or even 30 years, but I'm sure as shit not some newb who has no idea how this world works.
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