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Thread: My Ex is getting married...

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    God/dess BlkSharpie's Avatar
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    Default My Ex is getting married...

    Ive posted about my situation before, but so long ago and I dont really talk much about my personal life so Ill do a quick recap...well quick as possible.

    My ex and I were together almost 3 years, in the end we were looking for a place to move in together and talking marriage. We got into our first fight when he said he wanted to keep his apt when we moved in together and I hated the idea...we decided to hold off on moving in together but still talked marriage. I brought him to CA to meet family, then he met the rest of my family on Thanksgiving and had every reason to believe he was going to propose really soon. Two days later he said he wanted to take a break, 3 days later I found out he'd been dating another girl behind my back for 6 months...

    Over the next two years, he was telling me he didnt know what he wanted, wasnt sure if he was ready for marriage, still loved and wanted to be with me though. But also still seeing this other girl. It would be back and forth of him saying they werent together or talking, and getting nasty emails from her saying to back off and telling me about all the trips he takes her on and things they do together. Came to a point where I blew up at him, told him to never mention marriage or that he loves me, cause all that was off the table, we'd still talk but over the past year havnt had sex or spent much time together..

    Over the past 6 months, he'd started getting more and more distant...any arguments was me upset over something this other girl was saying or doing to me and telling him to get a handle on his situation. But he'd still always tell me he cared about me, he did help me out with a lot of things in this time always saying he feels guilty over how everything happened and its the least he could do etc etc. Okay so for what just happened now...

    He traveled for work a couple of weeks ago, and we stayed in touch emailing each other nearly every day...the day before he came back he sent me an email saying how much he missed me and my daughter. Then I didnt hear from him again...I wrote him a couple times no reply, and then for his bday I called, and texted him..wasnt til late nite he replied saying thanks, and that hes sorry he didnt get back to me, hes just been busy with stuff since he got back. Then his sister calls me and tells me he met a girl when he was on his trip that he wants to marry, he brought her back home with him, introduced her to the family, theyve found an apartment, and in two weeks shes moving down here for good.

    I was floored...like I dont know just, numb and floored. I mean, the biggest thing for me I guess was just happy hes not marrying this other girl he cheated on me with, considering how horrible she is. But so confused that he emailed me every day, said he missed me... Anyway, I called and left him vm saying I heard the news, that I wish he had told me but that it seems hes really happy, and so Im happy for him and hope for the best. That night he called me and we talked, he said thanks, that he really appreciates my reaction to this, but that its kind of blown out of proportion..they arent getting married but that yeah, he met this girl and he wants to see wehre things go.

    Then he totally flipped out on me...like he went on this rant saying he cant stand that his family has to talk about everything, that he has no privacy and he wishes everyone would just shut up about him... and I was like, but its not anything negative, like no one is being negative just really surprised and curious about this girl, but totally open to it, and Im just reaching out and telling you Im happy for you...at which point he says patronizingly...yeah yeah yeah happy for me I get it now shut up about it. And Im really like, wait...wtf happened cause we were having a good conversation and everything was find and now this? And said i dont get it, whats his problem, and he screams at me to do him a favour and just shut up already. At that point I hung up on him.

    This morning I woke up to a text from him apologizing for what he said, and for being distant these past few months, saying that I am a beautiful and great person, that Im really special and he really does care about me, and hopes that Im okay etc. To be honest, his reaction towards me floors me more than the news that hes planning to bring a girl from another country that he met 2 weeks ago and marry her. I dont even really know how to react to anything, its more like a bad movie plot than real life. I mean, who does that... I mean, did he expect, or want me to get mad and fall apart at the news or something? I just dont get it.

    And Ive been spinning around my home all morning, Ive already deleted all the texts we'd ever sent each other from my phone, about to delete all our emails, throw away our photos, and just finally put him and all this behind me. Cause the way he talked to me....the way he messes with my head, its just too much for me. I cant function or live like this anymore, its been over 2 years now. And that hed get pissed off at me cause I say that Im happy for him, I just....I dont know. Im babbling now.
    Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink!

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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    Just be glad you are rid of him.

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    Featured Member bubblegumbitch's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    oh i am sorry you are dealing with this bs. he seems very wishy-washy - i fucking HATE guys like that and they fuck n toy with ur emotions more than anything. i personally think that it is an ego boost for them and that they have these girls where they want them. they love to make an emotional wreck of you. guys like that do not truly care about you at all. they are seriously selfish and you should lose all contact with him. he seems so drama-fied and you just don't need that in ur life. seriously, he was thinking about possibly marrying you, then all of a sudden he's dating this crazy chick behind ur back (not even a fling but DATING HER). now he is possibly getting married to a chick that he just met like two weeks ago but in same length of time telling you that he misses you and ur daughter. these types of guys are seriously fucked up and they LOVE all of the attention and drama that they get from it. you need to break all contact with him. he will keep you in this whirlwind forever. you got better things to do in ur life and deserve a man that knows what he wants and will love you whole heartedly. he can seriously just fuck off, that is all i got left to say, LOL!

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    Veteran Member MommieLongLegs's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    Seriously, he sounds like a real loser. He's not a real man by any means. Please don't talk to him anymore.

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    God/dess BlkSharpie's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    Thanks ladies (and gent..almost missed your blue ribbon )... And yeah, if someone were living this and talked to me about it, I would tell her to drop him....like the minute it turned out he was dating someone else living this double life, I would have been like, thats a no go. And I have ditched guys for a lot less...but for whatever reason, telling myself this, following through has been so hard.

    I know what I need to do....Im finally clearing out every reminder I have of him and putting him behind me. Just dealing with how hurt and confuzzled I am at the moment. Bothered that I was devoted to him for so many years and things seems great between us, yet he never made that step and found someone else, some really crazy someone else who made my life hell these past couple years. And really confused over his reaction that hed flip out and scream at me to shut up over me saying I was happy for him about this new girl. But I guess I cant spin that around in my head cause Ill never know... Yeah, maybe he just likes the drama, maybe he has some sort of issues, I dont know, but I cant live like this.
    Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink!

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    God/dess laurielegs's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    My first thought when I read through (and I do remember this guy and all he has put you through, ugh!) was that he wanted to keep it a secret so that you and all the other women he planned to keep stringing along didn't find out. He doens't want to lose the extra attention and the distant possibility of more pussy. Maybe he promised her marriage but isn't really going to follow through.

    Quote Originally Posted by BlkSharpie View Post
    Thanks ladies (and gent..almost missed your blue ribbon )... And yeah, if someone were living this and talked to me about it, I would tell her to drop him....like the minute it turned out he was dating someone else living this double life, I would have been like, thats a no go. And I have ditched guys for a lot less...but for whatever reason, telling myself this, following through has been so hard.

    I know what I need to do....Im finally clearing out every reminder I have of him and putting him behind me. Just dealing with how hurt and confuzzled I am at the moment. Bothered that I was devoted to him for so many years and things seems great between us, yet he never made that step and found someone else, some really crazy someone else who made my life hell these past couple years. And really confused over his reaction that hed flip out and scream at me to shut up over me saying I was happy for him about this new girl. But I guess I cant spin that around in my head cause Ill never know... Yeah, maybe he just likes the drama, maybe he has some sort of issues, I dont know, but I cant live like this.
    I am so happy to hear this!

    I can relate too because I had someone like this in my life once. Sometimes its hard to take our own advice with certain people.

    It may get even harder when you cut off contact because within 6 months he will do the regret crap that they usually do when they miss the attention they were getting and go on about how you were the most wonderful woman ever and blah blah (and funny how they couldn't realize it till they lost you forever).

    Good riddance for sure!


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    Veteran Member Su Su's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    That is such a terrible situation to go through and I cannot imagine what you're feeling..

    I reckin to cut all ties with him!!!

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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    He did you a favor. Take this opportunity to find a better man and don't look back. It's no fun being with someone who you have to watch your back with about cheating or whatever else. Find solace knowing hes not marring the girl he cheated on you with and move on/move forward. He put you in an a emotional bubble like I'm sure he does to several other women. He needs to grow up be real for once. Good luck girl-been there!

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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    be glad you aren't marrying him. divorces are a lot messier due to legalities. i would have ended all contact the minute i found out he cheated. i also would put out a harassment order on this crazy girl. if she still bothers you, you can do that.

    if anything, i wouldn't be happy for him- i would feel bad for her. poor girl is really going to deal with some bs. i see some crazy divorce court tv episode in their future, if they get married at all.

    throughout all this you have, imo, handled yourself with class and grace- that speaks volumes to men who will be worth your time. not saying you should tell them what's happened, but it certainly tells me if anyone can handle a grown up relationship, it is you, not him.

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    God/dess BlkSharpie's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    I really appreciate this...I mean I wrote that whole thing out and almost deleted instead of posting cause I really feel like such a fool, and this whole thing has been pretty humiliating. But at the same time, feels better talking to others...everyone I know, also knows him and well, theyre all just looking at me like Im this stray wet puppydog and feel sorry for me.

    Wow Laurie I cant believe you remember! Youre right though, and I kind of have the feeling hes really mad cause he was hoping to keep this a secret from me and keep on reeling me in/throwing me out like he has been. Like saying things are blown out of proportion, that they arent moving in and getting married, but he for sure introduced her to his family. And his mom said they found an apartment already. I think hes downplaying things, like he did with the girl he cheated with...all this time he insisted they werent dating and he still loved and wanted me, but I hate being #2, so I was firm on it that nothing would go on unless she was out of his life, but yeah, I let myself sit on the back burner waiting for that to happen. Yeah, he probably was hoping to keep my attention while creating yet another life with yet someone else.

    And I have to be honest, I dont feel too sorry for this other girl, I mean, I forgot to mention she has a 4yo daughter, and I dont understand that..meeting a guy, and then deciding to move to another country with your kid and marrying him after knowing him for two weeks. I feel like theres something wrong with her and theres something dark going on there. But Im not going to wish bad on anyone, and its really not even my concern if she or he or both of them have bad intentions here. I just want out...
    Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink!

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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    On a side note...I hate that every relationship Ive been in has been a 5 year learning experience... I always say "Ill never make that mistake again!" and I dont, but new guy always comes up with something new that ends up throwing me for a loop. 15 years, 3 guys, and Im 35 now, Ive gotta learn to cut them loose at the first sign of any trouble at all and not be so gullible and naive.
    Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink!

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    Featured Member LaurenAus's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    yes cut him off cold turkey. That sustained hope that something will happen and then getting let down again and again is such an energy drain.
    I think he reacted the way he did because of what laurileg already said or because he didn't want you finding out and lashed out --out of embarrassment. Especially you being happy for him.. he obviously didn't know how to react to that. I hope you can meet some better guys.
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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    I had a similar situation with an ex who was still talking to me (except he wasn't a jerk like this one. I broke it off with him because I moved. Only problem is he started dating someone like one or two months after I moved but he still acted like he was totally in love with me.) Anyway, a few months into the relationship he was totally acting weird and telling me that I wanted to get married and have kids (not to him, but just "generally,") and acting really patronizing, pushing my buttons (gotta love when people who've been really close to you do this in a disagreement.)

    Anyway, months later, he wound up marrying his girlfriend which I found out on myspace from their wedding pictures.
    A few points:
    1. You already know he's a douche.
    2. I think guys do this when they're unsure of their decisions and need some sort of safety net. Though one of the above posters is spot on about him still wanting all the attention from exes. No doubt he's still talking to the crazy chick he cheated on you with.
    3. I knew, looking at the pictures, that he'd chosen the wrong path. Not because I wanted him to be with me because there was no way I was doing the marriage and kids route-- but because I think he was trying to fix what was wrong in his parents relationship. Knowing most of the psychological stuff going on in his head helped me see that he was messed up (though not as messed up as yours-- yours is just on a fast track to an unhappy life with how he treats people.)
    4. And the wedding pictures were AWESOME. My ex looked SOOOO STUPID with the particular cut of his tuxedo and this really bad haircut. I laughed my ass off and even though I'd sigh occasionally for what could have been (my way, not his picket fences way) thinking about that picture would make me chuckle and was the best therapy ever.
    Ungoogle yourself:


    Also, now offering phone sexins!

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    Senior Member idgaf_luvr's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    The event you described & getting a random chick pregnant are two things I never want to know about immediately (months to a year) after a relationship ended. It's not so much I'm not happy for that person, it's just that buffer time is needed between the breakup and the present before I can be indifferent. Even harder if the guy was your best friend. I hope you feel better about this situation in the future.

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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    First off you deserve much better than him. It hurts now but in the long run you'll be happy you didn't marry him. I've dated a few guys like him where they lead you on then dump and they are always horrendous experiences. He'll get his in the end and I feel sorry for the girl he is marrying because I think she will be another victim of his.

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    God/dess DesuvsDeath's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    Quote Originally Posted by BlkSharpie View Post
    Im finally clearing out every reminder I have of him and putting him behind me.
    Good for you! That's really the best thing you CAN do in a situation like this!
    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    i am losing my fucking mind and i really just want this chloroform dream because i think that would just get me right with jesus.

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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    Oh jeez, the mention of wedding pictures...that just made my stomach flip! lol Well...for that its definitely of the idea of marriage, and not marriage with him. Yeah, Im not a jealous person or possessive at all, which is why it was so easy for him to cheat as long as he did...I never thought of or went looking for anything, Im sure there were big ol flags but I trusted him... And I want to be with a man I can trust, not one who needs to be babysat.

    I got divorced 11 years ago and promised myself I would not do that again until I met the man who was right for me, who Im sure of. Hasnt happened yet, but when it does...Ill know its the real thing, and someone who really does have my back, not some who I have to watch my back cause hes probably doing something that will hurt me.
    Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink!

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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    Quote Originally Posted by BlkSharpie View Post
    And I have to be honest, I dont feel too sorry for this other girl, I mean, I forgot to mention she has a 4yo daughter, and I dont understand that..meeting a guy, and then deciding to move to another country with your kid and marrying him after knowing him for two weeks. I feel like theres something wrong with her and theres something dark going on there. But Im not going to wish bad on anyone, and its really not even my concern if she or he or both of them have bad intentions here. I just want out...
    OMG!

    She knew him for two weeks, moved to another country with her child and is going to move in with him and possibly marry him!

    Holy crap. They are probably both getting what they deserve. Yikes.


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    God/dess BlkSharpie's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    Yup. The whole situation is mind blowing. His mom said he's going through a midlife crisis....he just turned 39, and I guess with most of his friends getting married and having kids, he decided he better jump in now and...god who knows. But she...I mean that makes no sense. I feel like she must be running away from something, or have some really bad intentions to pack up and move far from everyone she knows with her kid with a guy shes known 2 weeks.

    On one hand, shes lucky hes not the type of guy who will trap her or lay a hand on her or anything...on the other, lets just say she really believes this is the man of her dreams...if she knew his history with women...I mean, that he wrote and told me that he missed me, and all that...then the next day flew home with her... He hasnt changed, and hes not done being his usual self.

    Also, he has some serious OCD, hes incredibly fickle, he likes things a certain way at all times...like when we dated, if I went into his kitchen, or the bathroom, hes slyly find a way to go in after me to make sure the labels to things were facing the right way, stuff is a certain distance apart, etc... plus hes never lived with a kid and has no idea how much disorder having a 4yo in your life brings. I mean, kiddo was already 10 when he and I met, and Im pretty strict, but even at 4 she was like a whirlwind. And we pretty much got used to him and though wed smile about it, would make sure to put things how he likes it when we were in his home, even just 3 months ago he let us stay there alone while he traveled and I was waiting to get into my apt. And he was all happy and thankful that everything was exactly like he left it when he got back home. I really in a way am sort of laughing inside at how many panic attacks he will have in one day, in the first 24 hours living with both a new woman, and her toddler.
    Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink!

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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I dont know that I can add much to the great advice already given but stay strong. A door never closes without another one opening. Dating one man at a time for so many years is defiantely a slow way to go and an easy way to eat up your youth. My opinion, unless you have a ring and a date, you are on the market. Life is to short to sort through them one at a time. As long as you are up front and not being deceptive then why cant you date multiple guys at once? Dating several guys can be a pain in the ass but so is wasting years of your life on a person who you later find out wasnt worth your time.

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  38. #21
    God/dess BlkSharpie's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    Yeah, thats kind of how Im feeling at the moment. I mean, Im 35 now...while not exactly desperate to meet someone, I no longer feel like I have my whole life ahead of me and all the time in the world like I did when I was in my 20's... Ive never mulit-dated, but the idea of devoting myself to anyone Im not in a committed relationship with (the ring) just doesnt appeal to me anymore. Im so tired of wasting time with guys who cant make up their mind, then once they decide, its not me.
    Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink!

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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    He's using you as an ongoing source of comfort. I'm guessing that you were together for so long and shared so much that there is still an emotional connection there that he does not want to lose, which is why he is also trying to hide his activities with other women. But, as you already know, he also wants something different too.

    Keep this in mind as you continue to go through this: He will never change. Ever. Guys like this never do, but instead just cause random bouts of heartache and endless instability. His conflicting wants/needs are causing this yo-yo like behavior, where he bounces back and forth between you and these other girls. He is not the first messed up guy to do this to a girl and he won't be the last.

    IMHO the only way that you are going to get over him is to cut the umbillical cord. You continue to enable him to use you as a source of comfort and familiarity by taking his calls, texts, emails, etc. If you let him keep getting in your head, he will just keep hurting you and making it harder for you to move on, all the while he is out there fucking around as he sees fit. Heck, it wouldn't shock me to know that, somewhere in the back of his very self absorbed head, he may also view you as some type of safety net.

    And when I say all of this, I speak from direct experience. I have some of the same issues and, when I was much younger and even more fucked up than I am today, I did the exactly the same thing to a girl who I lived with for years. And even now, married and with incredible children, I seek other things to balance me out.

    Anyway, good luck with all of this.

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  42. #23
    God/dess BlkSharpie's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    I appreciate it Rick, and yeah...you assessed it pretty well.

    Well, Im deleting him in stages...I deleted all our texts immediately... Then yesterday I deleted all of our emails together, spanning back to when we first started dating in 2007. Now to throw out our photos...but Im having a hard time with that, not the throwing the pics away part, but seeing and even catching a glimpse of the pics of us together, and I have so many, tucked in boxes and drawers all over this place...

    If I could, Id have a friend over to go through my stuff and do it for me while I hide under my covers with a bottle of wine and a straw.....
    Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink!

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  44. #24
    God/dess Nikki_Fox's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    Maybe you can give the pictures to someone else to keep for awhile or forever. You never know in 10 years if you will regret not having them. I want to cry for you , I have been in that spot. I always feel like I can spot bs in a customer but it is much harder to see in your personel life. One day i will fill up a thread and tell my Jerry Springer narcissist X story - lol - I let myself come completly unglued over a piece of shit. Walking out of the relationship was just a small piece of the melt down. I was so angry at myself for not seeing it sooner and when I did see it I started to rationalize all the bs. Dont stay in this place. Get up , call a friend , get out. Dont allow him to take any more time from your life, he doesnt deserve it.

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  46. #25
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    Default Re: My Ex is getting married...

    Thats really good advice about the pics... I mean, I dont want to look at them but I dont know...yeah, I have a friend I can give it to who will hold onto them. That will anyway happen a lot sooner than me throwing them away, and they wont be accessible to come across and spring any waterworks over...

    Shes actually super excited cause her schedule just changed...for the past few years, she works all weekend, but she just got a new job, and she gets alternating thurs/fri nites off and already we've been able to go out more. The hilarity? Shes also his ex...we clicked right away and have become super close. I think also cause she went through the exact same thing I did so she knows where I am, except that she really thought that with me he had changed and was super proud of him and happy for us. Shes actually more pissed off than I am, and especially now, wants to get me out and having some fun, cause Ive been pretty underground these past couple years.

    She keeps telling me that one day, Im going to look back on him and my relationship with him, and wht he put me through, and thank the lord that its all over.
    Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink!

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