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Thread: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

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    Dizzy Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    A lot of threads I've been reading lately have been about relationships/dating; "I hate my fiances cats..", "How Long to Wait for Guy to Ask for 2nd Date", "1st date, who should pay".

    I read the posts and am sickened by the behaviour that is accepted by women. Not paying house bills/not listening to his partners feelings and taking any action (let alone appropriate action)/expecting her to pay for the date.

    So what does a man need to be/have to be considered a man? Characteristics/attitudes/behaviours/moral standards...

    It is perfectly ok for you to list material possessions provided you can tell us exactly why you feel he needs to have a Porsche/Beach house etc
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Oakies, Ill go!!! Please keep in mind, Im sort of over it at the moment..I go between wanting to meet someone, and not wanting anything to do with men, and my patience/bs levels are super super low. But I figure, if considering all of that I meet a guy who catches my eye and doesnt make me want to kick him, then hes a keeper

    Honesty/Integrity - At the very first sign of untruthfulness Im done. Seems a given, but its not really...sometimes a guy will say something to make himself look better and then you find out its not quite the full truth, but you give him a chance anyway. Like, I met a guy and we were talking...and I happened to mention I was in the army and he said he was prior army too. I was like ooh! What was your MOS? And he went off talking about something else. So I asked again...and he admitted he was an army brat. I was a navy brat...doesnt make me a sailor! So I never called him again. If hes going to lie about something like that...I dont wanna stick around for whatever else hes going to lie about.

    Courteous/Gentleman - Chivalry is not dead! All of my male friends will open the door for me, pull out my chair, walk on the road side of the side walk, all these little things that a guy should be mindful of. They arent trying to get in my pants, they do it cause its how they believe a woman should be treated. Sure as heck if Im on a date with a guy, I expect him to extend certain social graces my way. If he treats me like one of the guys, Im going to assume hes not interested...whether he is or isnt, really is not the point because Ive already friend zoned him. And considering all my other friends still treat me like a lady, I dont think friend zone is even the right term.

    Respectful - If Im not comfortable with something, dont agree with something for personal reasons/beliefs/etc...a guy should be able to respect that and not press me, question me or try to push my boundaries. It doesnt matter why I dont want another drink, or ready to go home, or dont want to dance to that particular song. Pressuring me to do anything I dont want to do is a no go.

    Financially independent, have a job, a car, not have roomates or live with his parents - Ive been on my own and have had all of those things since I was 19. If I managed to do it while being a single mom, then yeah, I do expect a guy Im interested in to have that as well...especially since Im not 19 anymore, and my target age range of guys is 35-50.

    No self defeatist/prophesy guys - When I first started dating my ex husband, he said people always think he's an asshole...I was like aweeee! no way youre so sweet! Okay, thats where I went wrong lol He was an asshole. If a guy tells me that his whole life people keep thinking hes an asshole, and he actually brings that up to me, then I can assume theres some measure of truth in there..he knows himself way better than I do, so I best take his word for it.

    I thought I had that downpat, but my last ex told me hes never had a relationship last longer than 3 years. And I was all, ohh youve been so focused on your career and just havnt reached that stage of your life yet. Well, after our relationship ended, he reminded me, hey, I told you Ive never been in a relationship longer than 3 years... Yup, he did warn me. So any sort of negative things a guy says about himself, how he is in relationships, etc....you can take that as a warning, and you can be sure he will throw it in your face that he told you so.

    Moral standards... Does not cheat, Does not talk about people behind thier backs..especially those he considers good friends/family, is not judgmental. Basically, treats people with respect and also has respect for himself.

    And for all the random stuffs...great sense of humour, tall, blonde,blue..hehehe! Okay, the last 2 are not a basic requirement, but would be nice creme on top.
    Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink!

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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    I have to agree with Blksharpie. I have dated a variety of men and perhaps the most annoying thing I see women make a mistake of is dating. The fact is if a guy is interested he will let you know. Also, I see this one mistake again and again and that is the women who go on a date and then the man expects them to pay for them. NO! There are many men out there who are only out to get free stuff from women, whether it's a meal, sex or money and you need to watch out for them.

    I am doing online dating and have the scars to prove it. However I am learning a lot about dating and men. I always do a predate meetup because most of the time I realize I am not interested so why waste hours with a guy you don't like? If he pays for my drink then he's either interested or just a decent guy, but if he doesn't pay for me it sends warning vibes right away. Guys who are interested will pay. If he expects you to pay, whether it's just drinks, or a dinner then he's not that into you and if he expects you to pay for him (yes this has happened to me)he's an user. Yes a lot of rules for a first date but 25 years of dating has shown me again and again these things mean things.

    Now first date aside you need to really listen to what he's saying. When I meet a man I ask him upfront what he is looking for. If he says he's eventually looking to marry I continue on. If he's saying though that he's not interested in marriage BELIEVE HIM. Trust me on this, I've wasted years on men who said they would never marry and guess what? they never did. While some men can change their opinion for the right person, don't hold your breath.

    Another thing I am watching for are comments. Unfortunately doing online dating is exposing me to some of the worst guys you can imagine. Some are very misogynistic. I listen to what they say and if they say things like blame women for their being single walk away. I especially get nervous when I meet a man and he starts talking about how he believes women should act. I've come across men who have told me that they resent career women and blame a lot on them. I've heard far worse than these, including a man telling me that women who are battered probably "angered" the husband. This tells me he's likely a batterer himself (and the one guy admitted he hit his ex so my senses were right).

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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Its so true...if you really sit and listen to a guy, without making excuses or rationalizing what they say...just take them for thier word, they will reveal a lot about themselves. And this isnt a bash on men, women do this too...its just a people thing. Actually listen to what someone is telling you, and dont let how much you like them or how interested you are in them cloud your judgement and how you take what they say.

    I once went on 2 dates with a guy..first date went alright, but I was kind of annoyed that he didnt have a place in mind to go to dinner..so he takes me out but doesnt have any plans? ugh. Anyway, everywhere I suggested and would ask his opinion, hed say whatever you like thats where we'll go. Another ugh...if I say "do you like italian" dont say "Ill eat whatever you want to eat" I want to know if you like italian dammit! So on our second date (at which point I just told him where we were going for dinner, cause I didnt wanna play the "whatever you like, I like" game) he tells me that his ex wife said he was too controlling, and he wanted to let go of always making the decisions and let the lady choose whatever she wants. I told him theres nothing wrong with having an opinion if someone asks him, but he said his opinion always made his exwife upset so hes trying to relax a bit. Eh.

    Then, while having dinner and talking, he told me I should finish my meal or my dinner would get cold. At that...I spent the rest of the meal in silence..didnt say another word to him. There were other annoying things abotu him, but that was all I needed to just igore him the rest of the meal. At one point he asked me why I was being so quiet, and I told him I didnt want my dinner to get cold, and went back to ignoring him. Controlling is an understatement..this guy was out of touch with reality!!!
    Don't blink. Don't even blink. Blink and you're dead. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink!

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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Respect. A real man gives your opinions as much attention as his own! I've rationalised things that are so disrespectful. I've said it elsewhere but my ex once told me to be quiet, because I was too pretty to say clever things. He'd say stuff like that in public, in front of my friends, and especially in front of his friends.

    He'd say he wanted to take me out to show me off... But when we were out I basically couldn't speak without being hushed or him indicating I should be quiet.

    I somehow managed to rationalise it because we had a 10 year age gap. Never again! I want to be an equal.

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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Quote Originally Posted by _natasha View Post
    I want to be an equal.
    That is a noble ambition and no one can fault you for that. I just wanted to wish you all the best in your endeavor.

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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Quote Originally Posted by Siddarth View Post
    That is a noble ambition and no one can fault you for that. I just wanted to wish you all the best in your endeavor.
    I know you're a troll and we aren't supposed to poke you.

    But jesus fucking christ. I AM AN EQUAL. It isn't an ambition. I meant, treated equally in a relationship. I don't want to be patted on the head, patronised further, and told it's a nice ambition.

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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Well maybe this this should be moved to Ladies Only...

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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Another one: dates me because he wants a wife or girlfriend, not because he wants a babymaker. I am doing the online dating thing and many men are rejecting me because of my age. They claim it's because of the fertility issues and if true they are thinking of me as an object. I want a man who doesn't care if we can have kids or not (I think I can)because he loves me no matter what.

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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Quote Originally Posted by missykrissy View Post
    Well maybe this this should be moved to Ladies Only...
    I actually think it could be helpful for some of the male members of the board to read this. Also, I remember All Good Things, Yoda and Rick Dugan (can't believe that one really!) have made some insightful comments in response to similar threads and I would be interested if they add to the thread.
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Basic requirement can be summed up in two words: emotional maturity.

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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    ...and actions speak louder than words
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Quote Originally Posted by BlkSharpie View Post

    No self defeatist/prophesy guys - When I first started dating my ex husband, he said people always think he's an asshole...I was like aweeee! no way youre so sweet! Okay, thats where I went wrong lol He was an asshole. If a guy tells me that his whole life people keep thinking hes an asshole, and he actually brings that up to me, then I can assume theres some measure of truth in there..he knows himself way better than I do, so I best take his word for it.
    Maya Angelou has a quote, "When people show/tell you who they are, believe them the first time."







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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Honest - lies just DON'T work. Be honest with what you do. Even if it's not a good thing, I'd like to know, you know?
    Trusting/not jealous - especially in this industry! Know that my job is my job and it is different than my love life and my sex life completely.
    Independent - I can't handle needy guys. I am my own person. I need someone else who is his own person as well.
    Financially stable - He certainly doesn't need to make millions or anything. But to be able to afford his own place, etc. and who does not live off of parents or friends or something is important to me
    Goals - I'm still young, so he doesn't have to have an amazing job right now. But to have goals, or to be in school or something, to be working his way to what he wants to do, that's important.
    Respectful of others - He needs to be respectful of other people in general. Friends, family, people he doesn't know. And also respectful of animals!

    I guess that's a start. Other things are important too though
    InnesX

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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Quote Originally Posted by Flickdreams View Post
    I actually think it could be helpful for some of the male members of the board to read this. Also, I remember All Good Things, Yoda and Rick Dugan (can't believe that one really!) have made some insightful comments in response to similar threads and I would be interested if they add to the thread.
    I think these lists are sometimes a lot of fun. It’s useful to recognize, though, that listing requirements for a “good man” is at its foundation a purely mental exercise. It’s your logical mind engaged in a logical assessment about men based on your own logical personal experience.

    Then you go out and date somebody completely different.

    Who you are attracted to – and who your logical mind thinks you should be attracted to – are two completely different things.

    This is even true when your logical mind is trying to make judgments about emotional factors. It’s actually very bad at doing that.

    The reason is that we often seek out people who are broken in a way that is complementary to how we are broken. We fit together emotionally, and we are happy for it. Sometimes the other person is intriguing, or mysterious or quirky or especially creative or even maddening, and that gets under our skin. We want more.

    It’s at this point that our emotions, which make all these decisions anyway (and usually very quickly) begin to make excuses for our logical mind: “He never graduated high school, but he’s only got one chance to be successful in this band.” “He lives with his mom, but he’s so brilliant.” “Yeah, he’s an asshole who just re-friended his ex on FB, but he’s so hot.”

    We have these “What do you require for your man?” threads in SW every few months where the dancers list all these great characteristics they expect of their men.

    This is then followed by 50 threads where dancers ask what to do about all the assholes – who have almost none of these characteristics – who are making their love lives miserable.

    These are the two overlapping, intertwined and contradictory narratives of life. And it’s always been that way. For both women and men.

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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    someone sexy and financially secure with lots of integrity.
    Quote Originally Posted by SweetJulia View Post
    everyone I've fucked who was awful in bed should be forced to have sex with each other so they can all, collectively, figure out why I never called them back.

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    Nothing makes me feel like less of an adult than walking into several other people's apartments and realizing we all own the exact same lamp from K-mart.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sam38g View Post
    The fantasy sold to women through out history that a man will come along & rescue us is a lie.

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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......


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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    All Good Things- You are on point!

    From what I've gathered from researching why we date who we date, we choose partners who mirror our beliefs about ourselves--beliefs instilled within our psyches as children. If we grow up in dysfunctional family units, we unconsciously seek to re-create the same tension dynamic in relationships that we experienced as children. Why? Who the hell knows! It is safe. It feels normal. We lack the discernment to choose different partners. We are otherwise blind (or bored?) by what is safe. Furthermore, we project our brokenness out there for other people to "fix" by loving us. Really, there is no one who can love us into healing... no one, that is, except YOU. First step to finding a good man: self-love, self-forgiveness, self-confidence.

    I have recently started dating again after breaking off a two year relationship. Suddenly, I am surrounded by hot young men, and I don't quite trust myself to choose "healthy" over "heartbreaker" for a long-term commitment. I know that I want healthy. I also know that I have the tendency to pick out abusers. And so, I'm taking my innate dancer skill of sniffing out the gold and putting it to this use--I'm seeking golden character. Now, I ask MEN to prove their character to me by building a friendship. Everyone is given the same test. I open up in friendship, and if they are consistent, and if I am attracted to them, I raise it to the next level... and so far that means: 1. Group dates; 2. Lunch dates; 3. A long discussion about HOW their last relationship ended and why. During this time, my only task is to pay attention. Are they living their truth? Do I like how they treat their ex-girlfriend? Do I like how they talk about their mothers?

    I am also paying attention to how I am feeling. NEVER have I been in an abusive relationship without first ignoring red flags. This is with the club regulars too! My worst relationships with people come when I am feeling the least amount of confidence and strength. Somehow, I must put out the vibe: help me, I'm a poor victim. And so the predators descend. Reciprocally, it is when I am digging deep into my own feminine being that I make golden friendships. There is a process of weeding, sifting through dirt, separating the good from the bad. All of this takes a quiet heart and still mind.

    I am not quite convinced that ALL of these great qualities come from ONE man. My roommates and I have recently discussed the possibility that we are meant to have many partners throughout our lives. For right now, I am seeking (and have found) a very giving lover. We open our bodies to each other, and yet, we neither own nor claim any part of the other. This is exactly what we each want and need. There will come a time when he or I may outgrow this. He is not someone who would settle down, nor am I (right now). He is kind, and giving, and FOCUSED on obtaining his goals (and that focus is what we each find so alluring in the other).

    I am learning to BE what I expect to find in a partner. And this BEing is attracting so many wonderful men (friends and potential lovers) into my life. As for the future father of my children--I am holding out for a King. I am making myself worthy of a King. I am taking responsibility for my life. No ONE is going to rescue this princess. I rise up, and by doing so, the men around me raise themselves up to a higher standard. Those who don't are left behind.

    Selection of the right male is our power in nature. Think of the songbirds, and all of the males who make displays to the female for her affection. If she is desperate for anybody's love, she attracts the bully, the self-hater, the one trying to raise his status because he feels himself so low. If she is selective, only the good genes make it into her family's bloodline. And this means selecting for emotional maturity, consistency of character, creativity, masculine drive--whatever!

    Women, let's use our goddess-given gift of intuitive discernment to choose caring lovers, quality fathers, full-bodied MEN! We deserve it!

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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Quote Originally Posted by All Good Things View Post
    I think these lists are sometimes a lot of fun. It’s useful to recognize, though, that listing requirements for a “good man” is at its foundation a purely mental exercise. It’s your logical mind engaged in a logical assessment about men based on your own logical personal experience.

    Then you go out and date somebody completely different.

    Who you are attracted to – and who your logical mind thinks you should be attracted to – are two completely different things.

    This is even true when your logical mind is trying to make judgments about emotional factors. It’s actually very bad at doing that.

    The reason is that we often seek out people who are broken in a way that is complementary to how we are broken. We fit together emotionally, and we are happy for it. Sometimes the other person is intriguing, or mysterious or quirky or especially creative or even maddening, and that gets under our skin. We want more.

    It’s at this point that our emotions, which make all these decisions anyway (and usually very quickly) begin to make excuses for our logical mind: “He never graduated high school, but he’s only got one chance to be successful in this band.” “He lives with his mom, but he’s so brilliant.” “Yeah, he’s an asshole who just re-friended his ex on FB, but he’s so hot.”

    We have these “What do you require for your man?” threads in SW every few months where the dancers list all these great characteristics they expect of their men.

    This is then followed by 50 threads where dancers ask what to do about all the assholes – who have almost none of these characteristics – who are making their love lives miserable.

    These are the two overlapping, intertwined and contradictory narratives of life. And it’s always been that way. For both women and men.
    Agreed. I can speak from being older but I have come across a strange irony and that is often the hottest men are the ones who have the least to offer and those who have the most are the least attractive. So often women bypass the homely good guy to date the hot bad boy, often with terrible results. There are exceptions though and that is at the extreme the men I have met who were the most repulsive were the least likely to offer anything either.

    I am trying to overlook certain things like looks while looking at other aspects but it can be tricky. However, the best guy I dated was someone I wasn't attracted to at first and the attraction grew once I realized he was a great guy.

    I have made my share of mistake datingwise and paid the price. However I learned from those mistakes and trying not to improve people. I am not going to improve anyone if they don't want to improve. It's like buying a house, I'd rather buy one where I don't have as many repairs as a fixer upper. I am too old for a fixer upper, where I improve him then hope he becomes a mate. Instead I want a mate who is ready now.

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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Honesty, Respect, Accepting, willing to negotiate. I need someone who is going to accept me for all my misgivings, all my crazy girl moments, and accept that while i am very giving and lovely most of the time, i can also be a highly strung little madam who will stamp my feet and kick off if necessary. I want someone who will accept my job, and all the things that come with it, who will see past the job and know that whilst at work i am a hair tossing, pouting, sexy attitude giving siren, when im at home, all i want is my froggy pyjamas, a cup of tea and a cuddle, lol.
    ''I love fake boobs''
    ''They're not fake! I grew them myself!''

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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Quote Originally Posted by Jacquelynstarr View Post
    ....... Really, there is no one who can love us into healing... no one, that is, except YOU. First step to finding a good man: self-love, self-forgiveness, self-confidence.
    ..........There is a process of weeding, sifting through dirt, separating the good from the bad. All of this takes a quiet heart and still mind. .......
    I am holding out for a King. I am making myself worthy of a King. I am taking responsibility for my life. No ONE is going to rescue this princess. I rise up, and by doing so, the men around me raise themselves up to a higher standard. Those who don't are left behind.
    ..........

    Women, let's use our goddess-given gift of intuitive discernment to choose caring lovers, quality fathers, full-bodied MEN! We deserve it!
    Beautiful Jacq! In reading back the section I edited out it sounds like an affirmation.
    Last edited by Flickdreams; 05-20-2012 at 07:47 AM. Reason: coz
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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  35. #23
    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Beware the smooth talking bullshit artists. I've seen more women taken in by scumbags in well-designed disguise than I care to think about, in and out of the clubs.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

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  37. #24
    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    Quote Originally Posted by Siddarth View Post
    That is a noble ambition and no one can fault you for that. I just wanted to wish you all the best in your endeavor.
    Enough with this shit, Siddarth. There is no need for you to reply to every thread with this kind of nonsense.
    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

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  38. #25
    Featured Member Laurisa's Avatar
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    Default Re: Basic requirements for a Real Man.......

    I used to think that men who had good relationships with their mothers would be good mates, but I found this to be incorrect. Of my five dating experiences (lasting longer than a few months) I have found these results:

    Guy A: Good relationship with his Mom, had ambitions, respectful, honest, graduated high school, was in college at the time. I wound up leaving him because I was young and dumb, simply put. He was probably the best man I ever dated, and he now owns his house, has his bachelors degree, a great job in IT, and is engaged. My loss, I kick myself every day for that one. We dated for two years in high school and he was 4 years my senior. We don't speak anymore.

    Guy B: Unstable relationship with his Mom, had some ambitions, insecure, jealous, controlling, graduated high school. I had my son with him and wound up leaving him over his jealousy issues. He is a good father, but lives in the same crappy apartment we did when I was pregnant, has no college education, and a low paying full time job. He is currently single. His loss, I'm glad I left him. We dated for a year and a half and he was 3 years my senior. We speak regularly because he is my son's father.

    Guy C: Good relationship with his Mom, had a college education in massage therapy and some random computer stuff, not controlling, graduated high school. He held the same full time job for 10 years and got fired the day after we moved in together (my fucking luck). I had known him 2 years before we moved in together when my son was 6 months old. He is currently single, but goes on some dates. He currently has a full time job, lives with a roommate, is progressing nicely in his new full time job (regular promotions/raises). We dated on and off for 2 years (probably a year total). He is 11 years my senior. Can't decide if it was my loss or his, we have a solid friendship now and speak regularly.

    Guy D: Good relationship with his Mom, has a bachelors degree in teaching, is fluent in English and Japanese, has lived abroad in Japan teaching English for 3+ years (is currently there now). We never lived together, he never met my son. Not controlling, had dated a stripper long-term before me, not insecure, but kind of arrogant. He is currently single, but probably has some fuck buddies around. He currently lives in Tokyo and is making about $60,000 US annually. We broke up because he moved to Japan. He is 7 years my senior. I think that one was not my loss or his, it was just bad circumstance. We still speak from time to time and are friendly.

    Guy E: Had a good relationship with his Mom, but was adopted and it is now strained because of new developments with his birth family. Graduated high school, enlisted in the U.S. Army. Has a low paying full time job. Not controlling or jealous, seems a bit insecure. We've lived together about 9 months. We are still together, he is 3 years my senior.

    So in my opinion family relationship is not as important as education and work history. I want a guy who is educated because they seem to have the best long term potential.
    If you are willing to do for one year what other's won't, you can spend a lifetime doing what other's cant.


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