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Thread: Cheating.

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    Default Cheating.

    Maybe someone on here can explain to me why people cheat.
    Because, I just don't get it....

    Especially when people cheat on GOOD people.
    Even celebrities who have beautiful wives, money, everything...why do they cheat??
    Why even get into a committed relationship if you can't control your urges??

    I'm not even just talking about physical cheating (sex, kissing, intimacy)...even emotional cheating...LYING!
    Talking to girls online. Telling them you love them. Having deep conversations with them.
    To me, that's worse than just fucking some random person.

    Once trust has been broken, for me, it's impossible to fix.
    It's the ultimate betrayal and for me, one of the worst feelings ever.

    How do you define cheating??
    Have you ever been cheated on?
    Have you ever cheated on someone??
    Why do you believe people cheat??
    Is it stupid that I care since I was a stripper and guys would (in some people's minds) cheat on their wives with me?? Does that make me a hypocrite for thinking cheating is wrong??

    What are your thoughts on this topic??

    (not just on my situation, but on cheating in general)

    Thanks again in advance for sharing any stories, opinions, thoughts and views.

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    Veteran Member missykrissy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Cheating.

    Well Avery I can't answer your big picture questions but about the hypocrite part?
    No I don't think so.
    I know there are guys who come and see me who lie to their wives about where they're going, pay in cash, blah blah. Is that cheating? Well I can't judge them for it, I'm not in their shoes, but I just take their money and don't worry about it. Really I do think dishonesty in any form is the same as cheating.
    But if a guy did that to me? Done. D.O.N.E.
    I don't worry about whether or not that's right or wrong, I just know that I'm willing to give a relationship my all, and I'm only going to marry a man who wants to be true to me. As far as what other people do, *sigh* I stopped worrying about that a long time ago.

    Anywho if I turned down money from married men that's like 80% pay cut. Fuck that.

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    Veteran Member Tiabambina's Avatar
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    Default Re: Cheating.

    I've never cheated on anyone but I have been cheated on in two long term relationships. It was the WORST. The first relationship he had been cheating for a few months (we lived together) and I had absolutely no clue!!! Mind you I had a lot of other stuff going on but honestly, had no clue. One day he just straight up never came home that night, so I packed my things and left (after a major blowout when he finally came home like two days later). When I called him a few weeks later to go get some stuff from his house (still didn't think he had cheated, just knew we had problems maybe we could work on) a girl answered and asked who I was. She told me she had been dating him for a few months and was pregnant. I believed her and we were civil to one another and that effectively ended that. I was devasted.

    I dated a real winner (lol) after him, whom I had met through girls at work. I guess I was just looking to have fun after that whole mess so I didn't really care when girls told me stuff about him. We dated two years (on and off because of all the drama) where he was also dating two other girls. He would just play us against one another ("she's just crazy/still obsessed with me blah blah blah) and it really did work on me for a long time. Finally when I kept hearing about another girl and the girl and I FINALLY spoke after months of back and forth, I realized he was saying all those things about me to HER. So that effectively ended that for me.

    In each case I was say my ex's cheated "down". These girls were NEVER hotter than me or had anything over me. If anything maybe the appeal was that they were just down for whatever whereas I'm kinda stuck up?
    Also, if it helps BOTH of these losers have always tried to find/get back with me. They'd call my friends or something months down the road to get my new number (I have always changed it and like moved after these nightmares).

    I'm with someone now who wouldn't even think of cheating on me and I'm thankful, I'm now what I like to call amazing "cheater radar". Gf's will tell me stuff about their BF's and all I can think of is "cheater". I think there are few played out lines by cheaters and I fully recognize them now. I really don't miss those nights laying in med with my stomach in knots because my up to no good BF's aren't answering their phones. I would never go back to that now.

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    Veteran Member missykrissy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Cheating.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tiabambina View Post
    He would just play us against one another ("she's just crazy/still obsessed with me blah blah blah) and it really did work on me for a long time. Finally when I kept hearing about another girl and the girl and I FINALLY spoke after months of back and forth, I realized he was saying all those things about me to HER.
    Yeah BTDT. When a guy has some psycho/obsessed/stalker BS story... he's basically holding up a sign that says DO NOT PROCEED!
    I still feel like an idiot for believing something so obviously false... my guy was such a loser no girl could possibly be obsessed with him. Like scientifically impossible.

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    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
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    Default Re: Cheating.

    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    Maybe someone on here can explain to me why people cheat.
    Because, I just don't get it....

    .

    Why....is hard to say. Arrogance, narcissism, immaturity, no moral compass....etc. Its a character flaw for sure.

    But what it means is more important. Whenever someone cheats on you, they are telling you that THEY are more important than YOU. Not only that, they are telling you that they will satisfy their needs regardless of if it hurts you or not. In a serious relationship, you want your SO to at least put your needs on par with theirs, and you would hope that they would never consider willfully hurting you.

    This is the reason why you should end a relationship the FIRST time your SO cheats on you. And never go back. (same with physical or emotional abuse). Its not going to get better, your SO isnt going to start caring about you more...he or she will just try harder not to get caught.


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    Veteran Member Aslinn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Cheating.

    Idk why people cheat on good people, I know I "cheated" on my ex after he blatantly cheated on me with a ton of people. I tried breaking up with him but I kinda wanted to keep our dog and I needed someone to clean our house and get the pot so I just ended up cheating.

    My husband was cheated on by his ex and idk why she did it cuz sex is great, he supported her and her daughter (not his) fully, she didn't have to clean or cook, and he bought her a car so idk. She told him she was lonely but he is clingy in my opinion. So again idk lol.

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    Default Re: Cheating.

    I have never cheated on anyone but have had two boyfriends cheat on me. Both times it was with a close friend. That's the worst kind of betrayal. Not only is it an intimate relationship between them, but they both knew me so they could compare notes. I'm somewhat private so I felt really exposed. I hated that.

    The second time happened just recently. I could tell that he was not as into me, but he denied anything was wrong. She likes drama and pushed my face in a few things to gage my reaction and I figured the rest out for myself.

    During this in-between period, when I was trying to determine what was going on, things looked fine on the surface, but I saw ghosts everywhere. It's difficult to explain. She would use little expressions that he used and I could see his influence on her. She also changed her outgoing pesonality to become more reticent. She started describing herself as "sweet" because that's what liked about me. (She's not sweet. She's a troublemaker). Before this happened, I liked having her for a friend because she was brazen and bold. It was really creepy to see her morphing in addition to everything else.

    As of this week, they are ex-friends so your post is very timely for me. I'm mourning the loss of two important relationships and the shock of being stabbed in the back.

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    Default Re: Cheating.

    I've had a couple of boyfriends cheat on me and it angered me, but I dumped them. Luckily we weren't living together or really that serious but it still hurt, wondering why they did it. The worst was when a boyfriend ended up marrying the woman he cheated on me with. I will admit I cheated on one of my exes. Why? there were many reasons, but the fact of the matter is I was living with him at the time, didn't want to go home and admit I was wrong (my parents hated him)and he was horrible. He was an alcoholic, verbally abusive, mean to me and pretty much anything you can think of. As it turned out he had a hot friend and we slept together. Eventually he found out and of course he called me a whore and kicked me out. I don't regret cheating on him though and am glad in hindsight he kicked me out because I was able to leave him before he started physically abusing me. There are many reasons people cheat, from they just aren't monogamous, they aren't in love, the danger, etc. Years ago I met this one famous rock singer who happens to be married to a supermodel and he is famous for cheating while on tour. She knows and apparently doesn't care because she told a friend of mine that she doesn't care what he does because she has his heart. That begs the question is it cheating if the other person knows? it depends on the couple. I know I would ditch a cheating man but others are fine with it.

    As for dancing I remember thinking how hurt I would be if my husband was getting dances from a stripper. Though my dances were air and no contact and many of my regulars never asked for extras, I know I couldn't handle it. I know that sounds hypocritical but I know many customers would have slept with me if it came up and they were getting dances from me because they found me attractive for the most part (though some regulars liked that I was easy to talk to). I think the difference is for me it was a job and for them a fantasy. Looking back now I had many regulars who were married and it's kind of horrendous to me to realize some of them werent turned on to their wives and that's why they paid me.

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    Default Re: Cheating.

    I think people cheat because they want something they aren't getting from their partner. I think some people do it for the thrill. Whatever the reason is really individual, but lemiwinks is right its just being selfish. Im sure theres lots of people who do it and never get caught. So I could have been cheated on... who really knows. I have cheated in the past and for me I was unable to control myself even though I knew it was wrong. I wasn't looking for it, I just met someone special. I ended my relationship soon after because I knew the reason I did it was I really didn't want to be with the person I cheated on. Otherwise I wouldn't have done it.

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    Default Re: Cheating.

    Because people fuck. It's what we do-it's what we're supposed to do. If we didn't, we wouldn't be here.

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    Default Re: Cheating.

    deleted.
    Last edited by mediocrity; 06-17-2012 at 04:38 AM.

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    Default

    I agree a lot with mediocrity's views. To me, there probably isn't right in the relationship-some hole, however small, isn't being filled. Maybe the person needs s shitton of attention, maybe they like thrill feeling of cheating and aren't getting that thrill feeling. Maybe they aren't attracted to you or are more attracted to someone else. They may have that hole cuz their fucked up emotionally. Idk.

    I know why I cheated the first time: my husband wasn't fulfilling my emotional needs. I know I have issues (I probably fall into that fucked up category in some ways) but even so he was being extremely neglectful. Second time was i felt more attracted to, physically and emotionally, to the other guy. The third time-it was a stupid reason. Really dumb. It'd ultimately fall under the needed attention category again, but it was dumb. I wanted to confirm I was hot and could sleep with whomever I chose to sleep with. And I could. I also new I wouldn't get caught.

    Ive never been cheated on. But if husband cheated on me? Idk, I guess it depends why. I try really hard to make sure his needs-socially, emotionally, sexually, etc are filled. I know I fall short sexually. Simply put he's a horndog and I have a very sensitive vagina. I can't take as much sex as he wants, and also sometimes I'm just TIRED of sucking him off when my pussy is sore. So maybe if it was JUST sex i would be ok with it. I'd rather he tell me though than sneaking around and lying. Lying really pisses me off.

    Emotional cheating is worse. You know you've probably lost your partner if they're cheating emotionally. I'd be so much more hurt if it was emotional cheating.

    I would also dislike my husband getting dances with a stripper by himself, without me with him at least in the club. As of now, I pick out the girl And either just him, just me, or both of us go back. That's the way it's always worked before and we both are cool with that system. Every time I'd find out guys were going to the club behind their wives or girlfriends back I'd feel disgusted in even more so when they asked for extras. And if my husband did that I'd be so pissed.

    Anyways, that's my thoughts ad experiences, whatever they're worth. I'm feeling really shitty right now though so I may change this. Maybe not.
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    Moderator charlie61's Avatar
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    Default Re: Cheating.

    I felt urges to cheat whenever I felt tied down, or whenever I met someone new who I wanted to get to know better. This is why monogamy has never worked for me.

    I think nonmonogamy is great because it allows you to get the person out of your system. If you're truly in love with your partner, and if you're truly a good match for each other, then the chances of random strangers luring you away from what you have are pretty low IME.

    Nonmonogamy keeps more more monogamous because I feel free to explore other people without damaging my primary relationship.

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    Default Re: Cheating.

    Humans as a species are not monogamous. That's not how we evolved. Long term partnerships? Yes. Sexually exclusive? No.

    I think more goes into our behaviors than our evolutionary history, obviously, but I just wanted to point out that monogamy isn't "natural" to us.

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    God/dess Jay12's Avatar
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    Default Re: Cheating.

    It depends. There isn't a one answer to that question. It all depends on the individual, but here are some common reasons.


    -Lack of self confident. The cheater thinks he/she needs to be loved by many people to feel happy with him/herself.
    -Boredom. This happens to people who have low self control.
    -Feeling emotionally empty. This is the only reason when the other party might be to blame, but still it was probably something that could had been worked on before in order to avoid the betrayal. It could've been a simple communication problem or misunderstanding that could've been fixed with small talk.
    -Loss of attraction. It tends to happen with time, but again there is always a way to work around this one as well.
    -Lack of respect: both self respect and respect for the other person. Self explanatory.





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    Default Re: Cheating.

    I was in a 2 year relationship a few years ago when I was 18. I felt so tied down. My ex boyfriend would call me so many times in one day we had nothing left to talk about, it got to the point there would be silence on the phone when we talked. He had to know where I was at and who I was with. If I didn't pick up the phone, he would send angry texts demanding to know where I was at. He would even pop up in my house expectingly. Like I come to my house and he would be on my bed. He would dig though my purse to see what I had in there. He even made me have sex with him when I wasn't in the mood. I thought I had a problem that I could not be turned on until I ended up cheating on him. I was seeing another guy who was more laid back. It was so exciting. Even when I told my ex we should end the relationship he would call me non stop begging me to come back but I was not attracted to him sexually or mentally. He suffocated me. Just thinking about spending the rest of my life with him was very depressing. Long story short I cheated because my ex was always there he treated me like I was his women when in real life I am nobody's property and I should not have to report to someone my every move.

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    Default Re: Cheating.

    Quote Originally Posted by sierra. View Post
    Humans as a species are not monogamous. That's not how we evolved. Long term partnerships? Yes. Sexually exclusive? No.

    I think more goes into our behaviors than our evolutionary history, obviously, but I just wanted to point out that monogamy isn't "natural" to us.
    This times one bazillion. Actually, many moons ago in this class I took that dealt with sexual behavior and it was explained that when a spouse suspects that his partner is cheating his sperm count increases, lol. We just aren't biologically hardwired to be monogamous which is why there are so many diverse reasons for cheating within relationships.

    From a personal standpoint: Usually when I am not getting something at home I'll cheat with someone who I feel is capable of filling that void for me.
    Last edited by MyButter; 05-19-2012 at 08:06 PM.

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    Default Re: Cheating.

    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    Maybe someone on here can explain to me why people cheat.
    Because, I just don't get it....

    Especially when people cheat on GOOD people.
    Even celebrities who have beautiful wives, money, everything...why do they cheat??
    Why even get into a committed relationship if you can't control your urges??

    I'm not even just talking about physical cheating (sex, kissing, intimacy)...even emotional cheating...LYING!
    Talking to girls online. Telling them you love them. Having deep conversations with them.
    To me, that's worse than just fucking some random person.

    Once trust has been broken, for me, it's impossible to fix.
    It's the ultimate betrayal and for me, one of the worst feelings ever.

    How do you define cheating??
    Have you ever been cheated on?
    Have you ever cheated on someone??
    Why do you believe people cheat??
    Is it stupid that I care since I was a stripper and guys would (in some people's minds) cheat on their wives with me?? Does that make me a hypocrite for thinking cheating is wrong??

    What are your thoughts on this topic??

    (not just on my situation, but on cheating in general)

    Thanks again in advance for sharing any stories, opinions, thoughts and views.
    Because it gets boring usually. Men can find sex out of marriage these days, and women can find what they want outside of marriage. And if neither party is religious, its perfect ok in their eyes. The more resources (money and connections) you have, the more likely you are to cheat (and also to get away with it) because you won't have to depend on each other. Though celebrities are different because they're in the public eye so I'm not sure how that factors in.

    People go in to marriage loving what they have at the time. Well, things change. People change. Needs change. Wants change. Especially due to personal growth (which is a good thing IMO).

    And so there usually comes a day when the relationship just doesn't work anymore. So if you've built a life with your partner, they often don't want to destroy the life... or know you can't give them what they want... or they're bored... or they just want something new but don't want to hurt you. So they cheat.

    It makes perfect sense. Back when marriage was created, you married at 16 (now 18+) and you had already met everyone you would meet in your entire lifetime. These days, not so much. We come in contact with millions of people over our life, and millions of opportunities constantly present themselves. So it makes sense that it just won't work with one person unless both parties just so happen to want to be hermits or cease to take opportunities that come about, IMO. I know not everyone will agree with that, but arguing for or against that is pretty much pointless because obviously you married the person you thought you would be with forever. But forever hasn't happened yet, so you don't know what your own future holds.

    So I think "cheating" (if thats what you want to call it) is perfectly natural and a fact of life in the times we live in. But marriage instills that its "bad" and like a mortal sin, so its really a mindfuck... just like porn ("porn is bad!") and food ("eat a healthy balanced diet with lots of gluten & red meat & make sure its 3000 calories a day!"). The world mindfucks us on purpose- to control us.

    I think most people just need to open their minds and be realistic. Otherwise their partners do everything behind their backs. And that is wherein lies the problem.

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    Featured Member Spinnerette's Avatar
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    Default Re: Cheating.

    Hmmm, I think cheating is wrong. Non-monogamy is not. But people shouldn't put themselves in a construct where straying sexually or emotionally is forbidden if they plan to. It's not fair to their partner. Like with my ex, I was perfectly fine with having him as a fuck buddy or leaving the relationship open. He said no, he wanted to be exclusive. So I stayed faithful and he was the one flipped shit if I got too many text from male acquaintances. All that time, he was screwing everything that moved. Granted, a large chunk of what I get for business are men looking for something that they assume their SO wouldn't be into providing, I still find it extremely asinine to tie yourself to someone you can't be completely honest and open with and in that case, they deserve to be unfulfilled.

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    Default Re: Cheating.

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    I felt urges to cheat whenever I felt tied down, or whenever I met someone new who I wanted to get to know better. This is why monogamy has never worked for me.

    I think nonmonogamy is great because it allows you to get the person out of your system. If you're truly in love with your partner, and if you're truly a good match for each other, then the chances of random strangers luring you away from what you have are pretty low IME.

    Nonmonogamy keeps more more monogamous because I feel free to explore other people without damaging my primary relationship.
    I have wondered if this is the best option for me at times, then I think of my hubbie being with someone else and it breaks my heart.... How do you define who you can sleep with? are there rules? eg. no friends, don't talk about your reationship with the other person, be clear upfront that you only want sex? It seems complicated..
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    Default Re: Cheating.

    Quote Originally Posted by Flickdreams View Post
    I have wondered if this is the best option for me at times, then I think of my hubbie being with someone else and it breaks my heart.... How do you define who you can sleep with? are there rules? eg. no friends, don't talk about your reationship with the other person, be clear upfront that you only want sex? It seems complicated..
    I've only ever slept with two people (I'm asexual: the first one was my current SO, and the second one was a science experiment to make sure that I'm actually asexual). My partner has only slept with five people in his life (he's 42). He's naturally monogamous, and I'm naturally nonmonogamous. Usually my nonmonogamous adventures involve pretty vanilla stuff...stuff that would be considered cheating in a monogamous relationship, but nothing risky. It gives me the opportunity to get people out of my system so I can go back to focusing entirely on my primary relationship. It takes a LOT of trust to be in a relationship like this.

    Anyway, ending my li'l threadjack here. Back to cheating! Because Spinnerette is right that nonmonogamy is very different than cheating (though nonmonogamy could be an answer for chronic cheaters).

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    Default Re: Cheating.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jessie_tinydancer View Post
    I think people cheat because they want something they aren't getting from their partner. I think some people do it for the thrill. Whatever the reason is really individual, but lemiwinks is right its just being selfish. Im sure theres lots of people who do it and never get caught. So I could have been cheated on... who really knows. I have cheated in the past and for me I was unable to control myself even though I knew it was wrong. I wasn't looking for it, I just met someone special. I ended my relationship soon after because I knew the reason I did it was I really didn't want to be with the person I cheated on. Otherwise I wouldn't have done it.
    That's been me. I don't feel proud of it, but ultimately it led me to doing some long thinking which led me to end things with the bf. It turned out to be for the best.

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    Default Re: Cheating.

    I cheat, but only because chances are that the guy is or will be cheating too. It's just going to happen sooner or later, probably behind my back. So why not have fun myself.

    I agree, maintaining physical and intangible exclusivity is kind of impossible, IMO.

    I've never caught anyone cheating, nor have I been caught. But I'm sure they have all cheated, it's just natural.

    If I did ever catch them, I'd toss them. And I'd understand if a guy who caught me did the same thing.

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  39. #24
    Featured Member GlitterBexie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Cheating.

    My ex cheated on me A LOT, im pretty sure the only reason he did it cause he was a MASSIVE DOUCHEBAG. Seriously, the boy has issues, deep rooted psychological issues which makes him believe he is the god of vagina (He made me come once in two years of being together lol) but thats just him, i think a lot of it is opportunistic, some people are attracted to the thrill of a new vagina, some like it cause its naughty, it human nature to want to enjoy pleasure, just depends on the individual, the circumstances and the afthermath/fallout of discovery.
    ''I love fake boobs''
    ''They're not fake! I grew them myself!''

  40. #25
    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
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    Default Re: Cheating.

    Quote Originally Posted by GlitterBexie View Post
    My ex cheated on me A LOT, im pretty sure the only reason he did it cause he was a MASSIVE DOUCHEBAG.

    Yes....that and........ He cheated, you stayed with him. He cheats again and again, you stay with him. So I'm sure he believed that it was no big deal and that you were OK with it.

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