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Thread: Fucking caterpillar

  1. #1
    God/dess Sophia_Starina's Avatar
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    Tired Fucking caterpillar

    I am so itchy! I have an insane fear of bugs and there was a black caterpillar... maybe 2.5 inches long... slowly.... but surely... coming right for me on my balcony.

    I have no plants.

    I have no trees near me.

    I live 20+ stories up.


    What the fucking hell was this monstrosity doing charging towards my foot???
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay12 View Post
    ^What Sophia said.
    Quote Originally Posted by yoda57us View Post
    I wish there was an "auto-like" setting that I could just have applied to all of your posts Sophia....

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    Default Re: Fucking caterpillar

    Lol.....I needed that laugh. Thanks

  3. #3
    Banned ArmySGT.'s Avatar
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    Default Re: Fucking caterpillar

    After what he went through with Alice and the Red Queen, I wouldn't think he would come near a woman again.

    Silly Caterpillar.

  4. #4
    Veteran Member Bennu's Avatar
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    Default Re: Fucking caterpillar

    That was actually a zombie caterpillar....and he's coming to eat you.

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    Default Re: Fucking caterpillar

    Maybe he will turn into a beautiful butterfly.

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    Default Re: Fucking caterpillar

    I'm not afraid of bugs in general, but I HATE centipedes. Occasionally, I have mistaken a caterpillar for a centipede so I understand your displeasure.

  7. #7
    God/dess lestat1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Fucking caterpillar

    I don't think there are black caterpillars that would be 20 stories up away from vegetation like that. That sounds like the Urbanus Leech, a poisonous form of land leech commonly found in cities and populated areas. They lack speed but make up for it in both toxicity and prodigious breeding. A single female can lay over four hundred eggs in a 24-hour period. Within one week of an infestation you can have over 12,800 individual leeches in your home. They like hot, damp spaces, which in a home usually means the tub/shower area. Although as their numbers grow they'll spread out to anything soft where they can nest, like couches, cushions, carpeting, and bedding. Anyway, totally messing with you. Probably some wind blew an egg and that's how he got there. Or he's a special forces caterpillar whose HALO jump landed him off target.
    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    omg, why is it so huge?!! lol lol

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    Default Re: Fucking caterpillar

    ^ Yikes!!
    I hope you killed that motherfucker Sophia!

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    Default Re: Fucking caterpillar

    I think he had foot fetish and I am sure you have lovely feet.

  11. #10
    God/dess Sophia_Starina's Avatar
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    Default Re: Fucking caterpillar

    Quote Originally Posted by kaiarose View Post
    ^ Yikes!!
    I hope you killed that motherfucker Sophia!

    I was wearing flip flops at the time, Kaiarose. They were not hard soled boots or platforms... or even thick rainboots.

    Certainly, my first instinct was to squish that mofo of a caterpillar before he jumped me. The thought of squishing this squishy bug with all of its squishy insides audibly squashing in my vicinity, squishing and squooshing so near to my feet, and then having to remove the squashed up mess of squozen-out bug guts from my flippyfloppies and balcony made my stomach turn. I gag just writing about it now... the horror, the horror.....

    Kaia, there was no time for hesitation. He was crawling along full steam ahead... he was all like "come at me bro!". I knew I didn't like that caterpillars attitude. I had to do something. I jumped back into my apartment.

    I was hot... my face was red... I was in the midst of a cold sweat. My heart was pounding... racing... racing like that caterpillar was racing to get at me. Immediately I locked the door. I don't know much about caterpillars but I have heard about their devious and wily ways. I couldn't risk anything at this point.

    I shook off the panic. My hands were numb. My fearful eyes darted around the room for something, anything (!), that could assist me.

    Suddenly I spotted a piece of paper… an old shopping list sticking out from the mess of notebooks, nail polish bottles, and magazines on my desk. I yanked it…. so forcefully that I dislodged a necklace from beneath the pile of papers & stuff that I had long believed to be lost.

    There was no time for happiness or relief at the thought of finding my lost trinket.

    I had to remove the offending caterpillar post haste.

    I looked at the flimsy 8.5" x 11", slightly crumpled paper covered in scribbles and scrawls. My mind jumped back to the enemy afoot…. or a-feet…. those fucking caterpillars have so many feet. I had to consider its size… its (puke!) girth… its (gag!) weight. It was dark in color. Fuzzy. With beige and ochre spots along its lateral lines. It was a lengthy caterpillar… at least 2.5" inches in length. Perhaps my sheet of paper would not be capable of supporting this alien behemoth. My thought process stuttered….


    …..
    ………



    Quickly, I fashioned a caterpillar shovel/scoop (ugh!) by folding the paper in twain and then creating a slightly angled crease along either side. It seemed sturdy enough.


    But at this point I had no idea where the caterpillar was.



    He.

    Could.




    Be.







    …..ANYWHERE!






    I had to create a backup plan.

    I grabbed a bottle of 100% pure acetone, A.K.A, nail polish remover from my desk. Trembling, I took the cap off of the bottle with my teeth… still clutching the paper "spatula/scoop/thing" in my right hand. I spit out the acetone cap over my shoulder. At this point, I didn't care about whether a drop of this stuff got on furniture or clothing!


    "There is no room for error." I told myself. "It's you… or the caterpillar." I had to be strong.


    As I reached to unlock my door…. I took a split second to get mad. This asshole of a caterpillar was invading MY space, MY balcony, MY life.

    I swiftly unlocked the door and tried to dissociate from the situation….





    As I stepped outside. I couldn't see him. I was terrified. But I couldn't allow my fear to take over.


    I scanned around the balcony and spotted the dastardly caterpillar…. in between my balcony tiles. Roughly 7 inches from where I had spotted him previously. It looked as though he was burrowing… burrowing to get to me… and do horrendous things to me and my property.

    "FUCK!" I screamed.

    Probably scaring the wits out of my neighbors and any passersby.

    With acetone, still firmly in my left hand, I tried to dig this disgusto-bug out from betwixt the tiles… and do "right by" with my right hand improvised paper spatula.

    The curse words that streamed from my frazzled tongue would make a pirate blush.


    Once the paper touched the caterpillars body he decided to turn into some shape that resembled an "@" symbol. His steely obsidian colored, buggy eyes stared at me…. challenged me…. taunted me.

    I faltered. He fell between the cracks.

    A slew of curse words ensued. I was near tears.

    Haphazardly I scraped harder, trying to scoop this dick-fuck of a caterpillar onto the paper contraption I have made. Scrape…. shudder…. scrape… shiver…. scrape….

    Once he was on solid ground… I wanted his stupid caterpillar ass to climb upon my paper scoop thing.

    Instead, he turned around and proceeded to OOZE… ooze…. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOZZZZZZEE nasty brown shit all over my hand fashioned paper bug spatula.

    My heart fluttered. I felt dizzy. I screamed at the bug to get on the fucking paper so nothing bad would happen to him. I nearly fainted. My left hand twitched and I knew that if worse came to worst I would douse the caterpillar with my bottle of acetone.


    Thankfully after 4 attempts he was securely on the paper scoop contraption. I could barely get my knees to function (as I was squatting nearly this whole time). I worried that if I stood up, I would shiver and shake the damn bug into my hair….

    Slowly but surely I stood.


    I made a quick prayer for there to be no people walking beneath my balcony at this time ….





    And then I tossed the caterpillar overboard…..




    The rest of the story…. I can't recount. All I know is that when I came out of my horrified state, I was brushing my hair obsessively in the shower.



    I don't like bugs.



    The end.






    Hopefully.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay12 View Post
    ^What Sophia said.
    Quote Originally Posted by yoda57us View Post
    I wish there was an "auto-like" setting that I could just have applied to all of your posts Sophia....

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  13. #11
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    Default Re: Fucking caterpillar

    I hope the others from the egg cluster did not see that.

  14. #12
    God/dess Sophia_Starina's Avatar
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    Default Re: Fucking caterpillar

    Quote Originally Posted by ArmySGT. View Post
    I hope the others from the egg cluster did not see that.



    Fuck you. LOL. I'm all itchy again.











    If you need me I will be in the shower.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay12 View Post
    ^What Sophia said.
    Quote Originally Posted by yoda57us View Post
    I wish there was an "auto-like" setting that I could just have applied to all of your posts Sophia....

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    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
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    Default Re: Fucking caterpillar

    Quote Originally Posted by ArmySGT. View Post
    I hope the others from the egg cluster did not see that.
    I think she is probably OK....since the egg cluster is most likely lodged in her ear.

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  17. #14
    Featured Member lemiwinks31's Avatar
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    Default Re: Fucking caterpillar


  18. #15
    God/dess Sophia_Starina's Avatar
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    Default Re: Fucking caterpillar

    I hate you.... yet I find that to be VERY close to the actions that transpired yesterday. Also, I hate you. J/K xoxoxoxxx
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay12 View Post
    ^What Sophia said.
    Quote Originally Posted by yoda57us View Post
    I wish there was an "auto-like" setting that I could just have applied to all of your posts Sophia....

  19. #16
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    Default Re: Fucking caterpillar

    If you look at the outside of the building, are there a lot of black speck inching their way up the exterior?

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