Results 1 to 11 of 11

Thread: Anyone else here polyamourous?

  1. #1
    Veteran Member Amareth's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Melbourne, Aus
    Posts
    640
    Thanks
    178
    Thanked 684 Times in 234 Posts

    Question Anyone else here polyamourous?

    I guess I've always been polyamourous, it was just recently I discovered the term for it and read up about it. Monogamy has never felt right for me - I feel trapped and pressured and usually end up cheating, but that doesn't mean I don't want a relationship. For the first time in my life I really do.

    Anyway, was wondering if anyone else here is polyamourous and how do you deal with it? I.e. bringing it up with potential partners, dealing with jealousy, rules about who else you sleep with etc.

    I'm asking because I'm new to it, I don't want to be the cheater anymore but I don't want to give up my sexual freedom (I have never associated sex and love so never really understood why sex is such a big deal and why a partner would care as long as I was being safe and if they were unavailable). Also I recently met a guy who I'm really interested in and we have great chemistry emotionally and sexually but he is a big believer in monogamy and I've tried to explain polyamoury to him but he doesn't understand (though he tries and doesn't judge me), he has a lot of questions and since I've never been in an open polyamourous relationship before I can't answer a lot of them. I've promised not to sleep with anyone else until we've figured it out.

    Just looking for someone else's perspective and experiences.

  2. #2
    Banned
    Joined
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Vegas, Baby!
    Posts
    2,136
    Thanks
    2,464
    Thanked 1,174 Times in 619 Posts
    My Mood
    Fine

    Default Re: Anyone else here polyamourous?

    MM and I are rather infamously (on SW) poly, lol.

    It's a really interesting and eye-opening thing; realizing that white-knuckling your way through the mono relationships you've had and wondering why it seemed to work so well for everyone else doesn't make you a freak.

    Even better when you find a great partner who understands and accepts this about you, and even BETTER when you discover that there are lots of others out there like this and you first experience unabashedly and apologetically living and loving the way that feels right for you.

    Good luck.

    Oh - and be careful once you discover polyamory.com. It's a great site with lots of interesting things going on and a neat community - but the politics on that site make SW look like the most peaceful place on the interweb. Lots of really awesome members have been banned for really trivial shit that the admins themselves do ALL THE TIME, and worse. Still, worth a look. Feel free to contact myself or MissMynxx if there's anything you'd like to talk about as you enter this scary new world, lol.

  3. #3
    Banned
    Joined
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    11,037
    Thanks
    1,891
    Thanked 5,124 Times in 3,086 Posts

    Default Re: Anyone else here polyamourous?

    I am not Poly but I would be very careful bringing it up because not everyone couldn't handle it. I know for me personally I couldn't handle knowing a SO was sleeping with someone else. Most of the guys I was serious about couldn't either. From what people in these relationships have told me is being able to separate sex and love is so important.

    However I do not judge because I look at it as another lifestyle option.

  4. #4
    Banned
    Joined
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Vegas, Baby!
    Posts
    2,136
    Thanks
    2,464
    Thanked 1,174 Times in 619 Posts
    My Mood
    Fine

    Default Re: Anyone else here polyamourous?

    Where it gets confusing for a lot of people both in side and outside the poly world is the line between various forms of non-monogamy is blurry for mono-type people, and frankly not ALL that well defined within the non-mono world, either. So an open relationship is different than poly which is different than swinging - and around it goes. Once the poly world is open to you, you figure out really fast that people love to apply labels - and labels don't work really well in a world where every single relationship works very differently than the next, and everyone is working on finding what works for them both personally and within a given relationship. That's a lot of the drama on polyamory.com, frankly.

    MM & I, for example, consider ourselves poly; we are open to and sometimes actively seek real relationships in addition to our own. But she doesn't date other men, by her choice. Oh - and she is completely open to me having casual sex partners, and even goes to lengths to get me laid sometimes. So many "hardcore" poly people say we're not "poly", we're "open" or "swinging". But swingers don't like us because she doesn't hook up with other guys. And people who are open only sexually don't understand how we can possibly open ourselves up to the trouble of a real connection or involvement with other women (and when they have other men, them too to some level). And even people in those groups argue amongst themselves because everyone thinks THEIR way is "right" and everyone else is "doing it wrong".

    Meh. Find people you connect with and let it be what it becomes. End of story. For some reason that's hard for a lot of people - poly, mono, or whatever - to grasp.

  5. #5
    Banned
    Joined
    Jul 2005
    Posts
    11,037
    Thanks
    1,891
    Thanked 5,124 Times in 3,086 Posts

    Default Re: Anyone else here polyamourous?

    I find that world interesting because I have seen so many variations. I know people who swing, and those who are open where they can sleep with others but the spouse isn't around. The situations where real relationships happen seem like those can be hard but if all are on the idea, then cool. Then of course there are the polygamous marriages which are relationships and I watch those with interest.

    This topic interests me because it seems there are so many variations.

  6. #6
    Veteran Member Amareth's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Melbourne, Aus
    Posts
    640
    Thanks
    178
    Thanked 684 Times in 234 Posts

    Default Re: Anyone else here polyamourous?

    Thanks Almost Jaded. I'll definitely check out polamory.com, just maybe not post there. I've been reading The Ethical Slut and finding that really helpful. I think before I was just in the mindset of there is monogamy, swingers, friends with benefits and that's it but I'm realising there's so much more to it than that and the hardest part is figuring out what my boundaries are and what I'd be comfortable with accepting as a boundary from a spouse. I understand why there are so many labels but at the same time I hate all the labels on sexuality, I think sexuality can be fluid and trying to categorise people in such a way is highly unnecessary.

    In regards to the guy I'm kind of seeing I've decided that when we talk (he's out of town right now) I'm just going to be completely honest about whatever I'm feeling and thinking and encourage him to do the same with arguing or judging but just listening to each other so that hopefully if we decide it's not going to work we can still be friends.

    It's really comforting to know there are couples out there that make it work

  7. #7
    Banned
    Joined
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Vegas, Baby!
    Posts
    2,136
    Thanks
    2,464
    Thanked 1,174 Times in 619 Posts
    My Mood
    Fine

    Default Re: Anyone else here polyamourous?

    GREAT book. One chapter toward the end is superfluous andkind of out of place, but whatever. Good place to start.

    The attitudes you're displaying in your posts are down the line the right ones to bring with you as you figure all this out. Honesty and communication are at the root of everything. This is true in a monogamous relationship, and many times more so in a Poly one. We have learned this the hard way many times and counting.

    I haven't posted on polyamory.com in months, and maybe 10 times in the last year and a half. Just too much bullshit. Sad, too - it started to be a really great place for the "movement" to centralize. Basically, if you agree down the line with a few of the top members there, you are warmly welcomed, and loved, and if not, you are harassed and harangued and flamed until you retort and then banned. At least you're female; that puts you on better footing - though 2 of the best members there were female and got banned for disagreeing with the admins. Literally.

  8. #8
    Banned ArmySGT.'s Avatar
    Joined
    May 2005
    Location
    SW Counter Troll HQ
    Posts
    5,582
    Thanks
    1,589
    Thanked 1,674 Times in 1,043 Posts
    Blog Entries
    13
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: Anyone else here polyamourous?

    To exhausting.

  9. #9
    Banned
    Joined
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Vegas, Baby!
    Posts
    2,136
    Thanks
    2,464
    Thanked 1,174 Times in 619 Posts
    My Mood
    Fine

    Default Re: Anyone else here polyamourous?

    Can't argue with that, lol. Not even a little bit.

  10. #10
    Veteran Member Amareth's Avatar
    Joined
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Melbourne, Aus
    Posts
    640
    Thanks
    178
    Thanked 684 Times in 234 Posts

    Default Re: Anyone else here polyamourous?

    Yeah, I'm starting to find that out as well. But I'm generally a pretty up front and honest person and I'm not sexually attracted to many people usually, so hoping I can figure all this out without too much strife. It just gets confusing and hard to explain at times.

    Thanks again AJ for your input

  11. #11
    God/dess threlayer's Avatar
    Joined
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Syracuse
    Posts
    5,921
    Thanks
    369
    Thanked 419 Times in 290 Posts
    My Mood
    Fine

    Default Re: Anyone else here polyamourous?

    I am; I went to some local meetings, never joined that polyamory site.
    I loved going to strip clubs; I actually made some friends there. Now things are different for the clubs and for me. As a result I am not as happy.

    Customers are not entitled to grope, disrespect, or rob strippers. This is their job, not their hobby, and they all need income. Clubs are not just some erotic show for guys to view while drinking.

    NOTE: anything I post here, outside of a direct quote, is my opinion only, which I am entitled to. Take it for what you estimate it is worth.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •