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Thread: Tactfully Defending Yourself Vs. Being a Total Bitch

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    Default Tactfully Defending Yourself Vs. Being a Total Bitch

    Okay guys. So I have sort of a weird issue. I don't know how to defend myself without being a complete total fucking bitch and leaving deep (verbal) wounds on the other party. For that reason, I often opt to NOT defend myself to avoid the drama, but that often leads to people continually trying to take advantage of me or being repeat offenders. And I'm not talking about people who are my friends, but rather rude strangers- especially rude mutual acquaintance of friends/family/whomever. I could care less what strangers do or say, but sometimes people need to be put in their place so they learn not to do it again (at least not to me).

    Heres a recent example (though this isn't that good of one because I'll probably never come across her again):

    - Hairdressers are THE WORST. I feel like they always get bitchy or need to make some rude remark. Or treat you poorly. This hairdresser calls me last week and says I missed my appointment when it was supposed to be for the following week. I told her and we rescheduled for a different date & time and then she hangs up (or we lose connection). She calls back and says "sorry I can't do that time lets do ____" as a voicemail. I call her back no answer. Left voicemail no callback. I can't do the time she changed it to. Well it comes to the morning and still no call from her. I just opt not to go at all. Especially when someone is hanging up on me, changing my time, and not returning my voicemail/call. So then I get a rude text message from her saying "I waiting for you at ____ and you were not here. Thanks for actually calling to tell me you weren't going to make it." - WTF!!! I returned her text message with a REALLY RUDE bitchy text like "No thank YOU for hanging up on me AND returning MY call and voicemail . I will not be disrespected and its sad you treat your customers this way. I told you I could not do that time but you never returned my voicemail or call." and then I text messages start pouring in from her about how her phone died (hmmm except it rang & rang before it went to voicemail) and how she never got a voicemail from me (highly unlikely) or a missed call. Well... even if your phone died in the middle of our conversation, wouldn't you still call that person back at some point???

    --- I don't know... does EVERYONE deal with situations like these on a daily basis? I feel like I do. I mean such is life, but I'm so over it and want to avoid negative people as much as possible. lol @ my whole post


    So how do go about defending yourself? Do you need to be a bitch in order to defend yourself? I always feel really guilty after being a bitch, and you never know when you'll come in contact (by force or by accident) with this person again.

  2. #2
    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Re: Tactfully Defending Yourself Vs. Being a Total Bitch

    I feel you. I have the same problem. I either have to shut up or be a total bitch. Though I don't think it's necessarily due to my attitude, but the thing is, a lot of people will not respond to anything BUT lashing out in a totally bitchy manner. I try over and over again to breach frustrating situations with tact, and that goes completely ignored and results in people continuing to walk all over me. Then when I finally blow up and scare someone, they get all "Well, you didn't have to be such a bitch about it." ...uhhh, clearly I did, because you didn't seem to respond to the first 20 times I tried to politely tell you to knock your shit off. It's sad the world we live in.

    My main course of action is to simply ignore people and cut them out of my life after. At least, in cases where that's possible. To continue with your hair salon story, I used to go to a salon that charged me $300 to fuck up the color on my hair. They were completely unremorseful about it too - didn't even try to apologize for the fact that they told me they could accomplish something that they clearly couldn't. I didn't bitch them out, but you can bet they don't get my business anymore, when I actually used to spend quite a lot there. I went to a new place, and the very first time I was there, my hairdresser had just done the hair of another stripper the day before. Not knowing my line of work, she started talking about it to her fellow hairdresser, then 2 customers got involved, and there was, of course, the resulting shit-slinging fest about "trashy" strippers, and how they would never degrade themselves in such a way, blah blah blah... 20 minutes later... my hairdresser tells me "You're really quiet." Hmmmm... wonder why. Never went back there again. I've also had past roommates, acquaintances, and ex-lovers that I've needed to cut off for various reasons.

    I live in a small town, and you're right - you never know when you'll run into someone. But, in the end, I could bitch people out or make them uncomfortable for their stupidity, but what would it ultimately get me? Even if they become embarrassed or regretful, I still won't be returning to their services or friendship. And usually when confronted, people don't change anyway. They just get defensive and bitch right back. I don't need that BS in my life. I find I actually live a much happier life when I just decide that people don't matter. Not just pretend they don't matter - but truly believe it. I don't waste my breath on them because they're simply not important enough. I have too much to do to waste my time on them. If I run into them later, oh well. They're probably not strong enough on my radar for me to even notice them. If I do, I'm cordial, then go about my business. And, honestly, I've never had a problem with that method so far.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.






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    Default Re: Tactfully Defending Yourself Vs. Being a Total Bitch

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post

    I live in a small town, and you're right - you never know when you'll run into someone. But, in the end, I could bitch people out or make them uncomfortable for their stupidity, but what would it ultimately get me? Even if they become embarrassed or regretful, I still won't be returning to their services or friendship. And usually when confronted, people don't change anyway. They just get defensive and bitch right back. I don't need that BS in my life. I find I actually live a much happier life when I just decide that people don't matter. Not just pretend they don't matter - but truly believe it. I don't waste my breath on them because they're simply not important enough. I have too much to do to waste my time on them. If I run into them later, oh well. They're probably not strong enough on my radar for me to even notice them. If I do, I'm cordial, then go about my business. And, honestly, I've never had a problem with that method so far.
    Yep, pretty much what i do now. I found people would try to walk all over me, or think I'm stuppid just because I'm kind and generous (and what is it with people thinking someone deserves to be ripped off if they aren't super intelligent). It used to upset me that people would try to take advantage of me (I would jump throgh hoops for anyone, they only have to ASK) so when peoople treated me poorly I would get upset and I would end up ripping through them.
    But now I've realise it's just the Golden goose story all over. I am a good person and will give and give and give, but some people just don't get it. They get greedy and treat me like shit, and think they can manipulate me. I just feel sorry for them that they have no idea how to be a decent person and so i just forget them and just stick to associating with people who do know how to be decent humans. No biggy, they lose out more than I do.
    Last edited by emstar; 06-24-2012 at 08:10 PM. Reason: spelling errors in case the grammar police are lurking

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    Default Re: Tactfully Defending Yourself Vs. Being a Total Bitch

    When we act/speak hastily, do something that can be perceived as 'rude', because we're inside our own heads we focus on external factors that caused the action. I was in a rush, was having a stressful day, had a horrible headache, didn't sleep last night, have a ton of work to do, etc etc. I acted badly but the reasons WHY are....

    When people other than ourselves say/do the same things we're wired, not being inside their heads, to attribute their actions to issues of selfishness, rudeness, the fact that he/she's an 'asshole' or a 'bitch'. We universalize their singular actions, while we qualify (in order to mitigate) our own. That's psych 101.

    I think there's a world of options between staying silent and reacting in anger, and it really comes down to imagination. When someone does/says something crappy (particularly if you don't know them well and thus don't have an established pattern of bad behaviour on their part), imagine that they may be having a crappy day/stressful moment and have said or done something that they wouldn't do otherwise. Also recognize that when we're quick to anger, we fuel disagreements through a give and take of biting comments, each volley slightly more intense than the last. We do play a role in each interaction we have with an individual, but that's a good thing, because it means we can influence how people treat us.

    I look at it this way...I refuse to let people walk all over me (read: do/say things that have an actual negative impact on my life), but at the same time I refuse to allow people to rile me into behaving in a way I'll later regret. I rarely feel the need to 'defend myself', I simply explain my position as best I can, and if the person won't listen...oh well. Unless it's a very close friend or relative, I don't think fighting to have my position heard is worth it. It Just. Doesn't. Matter. Lashing out in anger can feel incredibly satisfying momentarily, but it's not a great pattern to get into, particularly if it becomes the default reaction to an insult or slight. Take a deep breath, walk away, and deal with the situation later (if necessary) if you feel you can't react without going into 'fight' mode.

    In the situation with your hairdresser, I would have texted her back to say we hadn't rescheduled and that, based on her message, I have no desire to return to her salon. Period. Guess what? You win. She loses you as a client and you find one of the zillion great hairdressers out there to do your hair. Lashing out only serves as a justification for her (misplaced) anger and causes you grief. Screw that.

    There are seriously few things in life worth fighting about. Pick your battles and train yourself to act decisively and with confidence without saying or doing things you later regret.

    I think you're f$%king awesome, btw. You have amazing energy, so channel it in ways that serve you, not in stressful ways in reaction to others.

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    Default Re: Tactfully Defending Yourself Vs. Being a Total Bitch

    I agree ^. Need to take some of that advice myself. lol

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    Default Re: Tactfully Defending Yourself Vs. Being a Total Bitch

    If anyone wants to read more (although loveshooks explained it really well) it's called Fundamental Attribution Error. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fundame...ribution_error
    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    omg, why is it so huge?!! lol lol

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    Default Re: Tactfully Defending Yourself Vs. Being a Total Bitch

    Calmly and firmly stating your position when you think you're being wronged is not being a bitch.

    That's what you did in your message to her.

    You could have cursed her out but you didn't.

    And that wouldn't have solved anything.

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    Default Re: Tactfully Defending Yourself Vs. Being a Total Bitch

    Quote Originally Posted by caitlin1214 View Post
    Calmly and firmly stating your position when you think you're being wronged is not being a bitch.

    That's what you did in your message to her.

    You could have cursed her out but you didn't.

    And that wouldn't have solved anything.
    I agree. I don't think it's a big deal you can go and get another hair dresser if the current one is making it difficult. Making a situation worse doesn't help. Also she might be having problems at home or work. Who knows. I remember someone calling me but they expect me to call them back in 30 minutes but the person never told me when he called. He when i called him he lied that he died say that but it's still on my answering machine. I don't know but I got a good laugh. He was upset. Like I am suppose to be a mind reader lol

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    Default Re: Tactfully Defending Yourself Vs. Being a Total Bitch

    I avoid putting myself in some situations altogether. Unless I know someone very well, I don't do favors and I am not generous with anyone I'm not very close to. I think being able to say "No" and/or "stop", and use facts in your favour alleviates a lot of it. Like when girls would ask to use my makeup, for example. I would simply say "Sorry. I have sensitive skin so I don't share". With the hairdresser, I would have told her "I left a detailed message on x date at x time. Unfortunately, I never heard back from you so I made other plans". I have to keep it very cool and factual or I just lose my shit.

    I also don't generally believe in second chances. There are a few exceptions, but if someone has burned me in some way, I usually stop talking to the person.

    Occasionally shock value can be awesome. In Aurora's case, I would have said "That's a shame that you all feel that way. I've been dancing for [x amount of time], and I don't find those things to be true of myself at all." Shuts people up REALLY quickly.

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