^^^Now I am even more convinced that we are actually agreeing about stuff, just phrasing it in different ways.
YES - the idea is that your kid will take your opinion seriously, and ask for it. And YES, the idea is that they will use the information you give them to form their own ideas, and make their own lives out of it.
I really do feel like the idea of a "heart-to-heart" is something very different for both of us - I feel that even saying something very minimal counts as "talking about it". From what you have said here, I would say that you ARE "talking about fetishes" - because my experience has been that NOT talking about it means just that. The subject is ignored completely. The idea that anyone would want to do anything outside the bounds of "normal" sex is treated the same way as bestiality - there is an understanding that some, very messed up, people do that, but that is all.
I really don't think that wanting to talk to kids (or more accurately, teenagers) about this means a big deal, a giant talk, a huge production. It just means bringing it into the picture AT ALL. I imagine that you have an image of a very serious, owly feminist having a big ol' sit down....and it cracks me up. It's a very insidious, general situation, where concepts like anal and fetish are dealt with as a normal part of life, and resources are given openly, but not awkwardly.
I really wish that I could introduce you to my friend's daughter. I met her when she was around 13, and she is now 18. When she was younger, her dad (my friend) was dating a stripper, and he made no bones about what she did for a living. She was a stripper, she worked at x-club, end of story. And when she met me, she had zero negative associations with me stripping, because she was used to it - she had known strippers for what they were for years. I don't think that at any point he sat down and had some big serious convo about "this is what women do and it's ok" - it was just there. No biggie. That is what they did. When she had her first serious bf at 16, he straight up asked her if she was having sex. She blushed and said "yes", and he basically said "right. I know this sucks, but I am your dad, so we have to do this. Are you using protection? Do you need any? You know you can say no to anything, right? Yes? You know that here is where you can get info on other stuff? You know that if he gets you pregnant or breaks your heart I am going to rip his dick off? Good. Aaaaand...done."
The idea is absolutely NOT to make someone feel uncomfortable by over-providing info, but to make sure that you are prepared to give all the info you can, because these days, very little is off limits. It's not about pushing boundaries, it';s about being willing to discuss ANYTHING with your child so that they feel comfortable with it. (well - anything that you want your child to feel comfortable with!)
For me, it is always about creating a positive situation for sex, at the age where that is appropriate. It is about setting someone up so that they don't feel that a fetish is something to be ashamed of, where they are not going to have a horrible first experience and hate sex/anal/whatever from that point on. Its' not about encouraging, forcing, putting ideas in someone's head, over-explaining, anything like that. Just recognizing the level to which teenagers talk about sex, and working around that to create a positive sex experience.



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So...no need to try and rile it back up again.


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