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Thread: Regulars and Boundaries

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    Default Regulars and Boundaries

    I haven't been dancing for very long, and I'm still trying to figure out all the rules when it comes to appropriate/inappropriate behavior between customers and dancers. I would be open to any and all advice on the subject in general, but my question deals specifically with how to interact with a regular. There's this guy who comes into the club every so often and buys VIP time with me. When I first met him, I instantly got the impression that he's one of those guys that have problems distinguishing between reality and the fantasy being sold--this was confirmed multiple times by more experienced strippers. He drops a lot of money on me though (more than anyone else), and I don't want to pass that up. At the same time, I want to avoid drama as much as possible.

    Now this guy will get visibly upset if he sees me get dances with anybody else or even go on stage. No big deal. It's not like I give him field reports or anything. All that means is he usually gets a room ASAP, which I'm not going to complain about. We don't do anything overly inappropriate in the VIP. I dance for him, we cuddle, talk, etc. He doesn't ask me to fuck him or try to suck my boob or anything, but he tries REALLY hard to get my personal information (where I live, where I go to school, etc.). Again, it's not a huge deal. It's just annoying because he gets really aggressive and sneaky about it, pretty much every other thing that comes out of his mouth was basically him trying to trick me into giving something away ("Congratulations on passing your math test. [Random school] has really high standards. Are you liking it there?"). It's blatant, but also very passive aggressive.

    Once again, that's...fine. Annoying, but fine. What is not fine, however, is his most recent habit of trying to kiss me. The location--cheek, shoulder, breast, etc.--doesn't matter. It squicks me out when guys try to kiss me in general, but if it's during a dance, I'll brush it off as them getting caught in the moment. This guy doesn't do that. He'll ask to cuddle, and while we're cuddling, he'll kiss my neck or something and then IMMEDIATELY apologize when I pull away, saying he didn't mean it or whatever. But then he does it again later, so I know he's not actually sorry. Once he tried (and failed) to kiss me on the lips and justified it by saying he thought I was sending out a vibe. I tried to set a boundary then by telling him that I don't kiss and do not appreciate being kissed, but it clearly didn't stick.

    I feel like he's blatantly disrespecting my boundaries, but not in any way I can call him out on without seeming like a bitch. To an extent, it makes me feel more violated than I would with some random pervert because he continues to try and force both emotional and physical intimacy. He'll also say things under his breath like, "You're amazing," and "We'd be so good together," but then take it back or insist he didn't say anything when I confront him about it. What should I do? Should I just ignore it for as long as possible until he gets bored and moves on, or what? I definitely don't want to lose the income, but at the same time, his behavior is kind of (read: extremely) off-putting. How do I establish boundaries without seeming rude or turning people off? Is it possible in situations like this (or in general), or do you just put up with it long enough to get paid and haul ass in the opposite direction? That sounds mean, but I'm honestly not sure what to do.

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    Default Re: Regulars and Boundaries

    All regulars have a shelf life. Usually it's because they move on, but sometimes it's because their money becomes no longer worth it to the dancer. He knows he's pushing your buttons with his digging for personal information and kissing, especially with you pulling away and not giving him information. There is no perfect solution where he will change, keep spending, and you will be happy. The way I see it, you have three options, and you have to decide what's most important to you:
    1. Keep doing what you're doing and just deal with it. Money > your mental health.
    2. Gently tell him to stop prying and kissing you, but don't end your VIPs with him. This could lead him to stop seeing you, changing for a couple of visits and then going back to normal, or nothing changing.
    3. Firmly reestablish your boundaries. Next time he kisses you, pull away and tell him you'll have to end the VIP if he does that again. Then, follow though. Next time he pries for personal information, tell him to stop and ignore his sneaky attempts in conversation. It's likely this mean you'll lose him as a customer, but sometimes your mental health has to take precedence.

    Good luck with whatever you decide. It's never a good situation to be in to have to decide if you want to cut off a source of income, but one of the great things about this job is that you have the luxury of saying no to people and still being able to make money off others.

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    Default Re: Regulars and Boundaries

    Every club must have that guy!

    The one at my club does that with all the new girls. I got sick and tired of him trying to get me to go on dates and going in the bathroom to jerk off when we would be done in VIP. The money WAS NOT worth it to me. I felt like I needed a lot more $$ to deal with his crap (especilly since he was jerking off later, I felt like he was still utilizing my services, but for free ugh). One night I told him my time was way more valuable than what I was getting, especially since he wanted to spend so much one on one time out of VIP. Gave him the option to decide wether my company was what he wanted to pay for. After 5 minutes of the "But I want to take care of you out of here" whining, I told him that our ideas of being taken care of were too different and we had to part. His feelings weren't hurt. He moved on to the next girl in a few minutes, and I no longer got headaches from him.

    It's really up to you to decide if he is crossing the line. I'd make him aware of those boundries and give him one chance to respect those boundries. Sometimes, when you assert yourself and set boundries, even if you're super sweet about it, the guy is going to think you're being a bitch, so I prefer just being a bitch anyway. The club is YOUR workplace. Your territory. And if they want to get in on your turf they need to abide by your rules. You have the right to be comfortable and respected each and every night! None of us go to work with the intention of be molested, but you have the power to make it stop in this situation. (I'm not saying it is your fault at all btw.) There are guys that go in there and do it on purpose. They push to see if they can get the "most bang for their buck". Thats why they pick the new girls. Most of them haven't figured when to say no and get them to stop because they want to keep the customer happy and coming back to them. There is a delicate balance between keeping the customer and yourself happy at the same time. I don't even consier jerks regulars, even if they do come in and spend everytime they visit the club. A real regular knows how to respect a dancer and doesn't give you a headache to earn a living.

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    Default Re: Regulars and Boundaries

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora14 View Post
    The club is YOUR workplace. Your territory. And if they want to get in on your turf they need to abide by your rules. You have the right to be comfortable and respected each and every night! ... A real regular knows how to respect a dancer and doesn't give you a headache to earn a living.

    This is gold, right here.

    One of the most important things I've learned in this business is that no amt of $$ is ever worth your mental health. Either he shapes up or you send him on his way.

    No way to call him out on his behaviour w/o sounding like a bitch? If he gave a fat furry damn abt the effect his behaviour is having on you, he wouldn't keep doing it. When a customer is pulling this kind of passive aggressive crap (altho I'd hardly call this kind of physical intrusion passive), that's when you put on the Bitch hat & wear it w/ pride.

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    Default Re: Regulars and Boundaries

    Thanks guys! This helps a lot. I've been struggling with the question of boundaries at the strip club for awhile now. Outside of the club, my tolerance for touching is pretty low, so I try to be aware of that when figuring out what I'm willing to put up with at work. There are plenty things that I will put up with if it's standard or expected, but it's hard to get a consistent answer--lots of "you're not technically supposed to do this, but..." and stuff like that. I know I'll figure it out as I go, but I guess his behavior is particularly annoying because it feels like the beginning of an emotionally abusive relationship. He just gives off that vibe (needy, controlling, possessive), and those kinds of people are disgusting to even be around.

    You guys are totally right. He doesn't come in all that often, but I hope guy is going to have a very short shelf life regardless. Maybe I'll use it as motivation to improve my skills, so I'm not as tempted to compromise myself in the future.

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    Default Re: Regulars and Boundaries

    Sometimes I get annoyed with the way cutys wil try to talk for free. I am going to start telling them I charge for conversation too. Does anyone have advice on how I can say that? I won't sit for an extended period of time anyways because the girls who do usually wind up owing money to the club because they don't make their house.

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    Default Re: Regulars and Boundaries

    Last week I had 2 guys try to grab at me and look at my boobs for free. When I blocked them them they said no to getting a dance. I also won't put my mouth on their crotch for any amount of money. I have seen a lot of girls do that. I also see a lot of girls who walk around with out their top on for free. Why is that allowed in a topless club? We are supposed to get guys to give us money to see us topless. The dances out here only cost $10.
    Last edited by sasee; 11-22-2012 at 02:38 AM.

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    Default Re: Regulars and Boundaries

    Just read safety tips for newbies. I don't feel as upset now. Its worth taking the time to read all of the posts. I guess I felt like I was at fault for not being smart enough to prevent sleezy guys from trying to do bad things. One of the posts said if it was possible to be that smart that bad things would never happen to anyone. I am going to continue to do the best I can and stay alert which I do anyways. I was the most upset about a guy who tried to look at my boobs for free. I had a sense that he was sleezy, but he said he wanted to buy a dance and I made the mistake of agreeing to sit on his lap. That's when he tried to move my outfit so he could see my boobs and because I blocked him, he said no to getting a dance. I was upset because I went against my intuition which told me that he was sleezy. The other guy did not get as far. I was not sitting on his lap. I felt good about that because he tried grabbing my butt and because I was standing, he got nothing for nothing; because I was paying attention and I blocked his hands.
    Last edited by sasee; 11-22-2012 at 02:46 AM.

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    Default Re: Regulars and Boundaries

    Quote Originally Posted by Cathy Withakay View Post
    Thanks guys! This helps a lot. I've been struggling with the question of boundaries at the strip club for awhile now. Outside of the club, my tolerance for touching is pretty low, so I try to be aware of that when figuring out what I'm willing to put up with at work. There are plenty things that I will put up with if it's standard or expected, but it's hard to get a consistent answer--lots of "you're not technically supposed to do this, but..." and stuff like that. I know I'll figure it out as I go, but I guess his behavior is particularly annoying because it feels like the beginning of an emotionally abusive relationship. He just gives off that vibe (needy, controlling, possessive), and those kinds of people are disgusting to even be around.

    You guys are totally right. He doesn't come in all that often, but I hope guy is going to have a very short shelf life regardless. Maybe I'll use it as motivation to improve my skills, so I'm not as tempted to compromise myself in the future.
    Thats a great standard to have with your boundaries and your set standards for everyone, even if he is a regular who puts down a fair amount on you and you dont want to lose the client, I had very similar situations when I first started out and I would let personal information slide here and there since I thought I was being rude and my mindset was more that he had the power since he had the money, long story short some of my regulars took advantage of me being new and niave in private dances they were fully touching and kissing me and one even convinced me to let him use his fingers while on top of him, this continued for awhile but thankfully a older dancer saw this and set me straight before managment found out, my regulars left and eventually I switched to another gentlemen club so you really do have to be careful about boundies when first starting out, alot of men request the newest girls for this very reason to see how far they can push things with them

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    Default Re: Regulars and Boundaries

    I'm so glad to be reading these posts. I need to learn from others and share some of my experiences to keep my sanity. I was so upset yesterday. I think I need to do a lot of learning from others at this phase. I'm starting to realize that I really need to reach out. Thank you so much.

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    Default Re: Regulars and Boundaries

    We have a regular who's the opposite. All girls call him "lucky lucky" - and want to dance for him. Legend has it - after a dancer has danced for him - the money just start flowing from other custys. I was so excited when it happened to me - I went back and kissed him. That day I was having a slow day - I sat with him. He asked for a dance. I suggested going to the couches along the wall for more privacy (still cost the same). He said - he didn't wanna move his stuff n drinks from his table and his view was just fine. So I danced right in the middle very close to the main stage. This man's mannerisms have something that makes a girl go the extra mile. I was all over him - and he was quite appreciative. For the few dances I was immersed in my rhythm and it was very liberating for me. He thanked me for the loving company and "kick ass" dances. Headed to the locker room - manager walks to me saying two custies wanna take me to VIP. With all the girls swarming around him - it's hard to get one on one time with him. I'd like to know him better. Hey there are good guys out there - the ones that lift your spirits ! (a crappy mood never made me money )

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    Default Re: Regulars and Boundaries

    u can make up personal info. make up ur whole fake life& tell him a whole lotta lies. As far as the kissing makin u uncomfortable, just be a "bitch" about it most of these custies like it anyways. but he may not who knows so u r running the risk of him moving on but like shanna says all regs have a shelf life&will be gone sooner or later&ur not even allowing a kiss means hell prolly be gone sooner so id make up something like u need $ for school get a larger lump sum outta him b4 hes gone then u can put that time into findin u a new regular

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    Default Re: Regulars and Boundaries

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora14 View Post
    Every club must have that guy!

    The one at my club does that with all the new girls. I got sick and tired of him trying to get me to go on dates and going in the bathroom to jerk off when we would be done in VIP. The money WAS NOT worth it to me. I felt like I needed a lot more $$ to deal with his crap (especilly since he was jerking off later, I felt like he was still utilizing my services, but for free ugh). One night I told him my time was way more valuable than what I was getting, especially since he wanted to spend so much one on one time out of VIP. Gave him the option to decide wether my company was what he wanted to pay for. After 5 minutes of the "But I want to take care of you out of here" whining, I told him that our ideas of being taken care of were too different and we had to part. His feelings weren't hurt. He moved on to the next girl in a few minutes, and I no longer got headaches from him.

    It's really up to you to decide if he is crossing the line. I'd make him aware of those boundries and give him one chance to respect those boundries. Sometimes, when you assert yourself and set boundries, even if you're super sweet about it, the guy is going to think you're being a bitch, so I prefer just being a bitch anyway. The club is YOUR workplace. Your territory. And if they want to get in on your turf they need to abide by your rules. You have the right to be comfortable and respected each and every night! None of us go to work with the intention of be molested, but you have the power to make it stop in this situation. (I'm not saying it is your fault at all btw.) There are guys that go in there and do it on purpose. They push to see if they can get the "most bang for their buck". Thats why they pick the new girls. Most of them haven't figured when to say no and get them to stop because they want to keep the customer happy and coming back to them. There is a delicate balance between keeping the customer and yourself happy at the same time. I don't even consier jerks regulars, even if they do come in and spend everytime they visit the club. A real regular knows how to respect a dancer and doesn't give you a headache to earn a living.
    ew I hate the going to bathroom to jerk off after. Its so gross they could at least wait till they go home. geese... the sh*t some custies do...

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