Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: Negative relationship with regular

  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Joined
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    154
    Thanks
    295
    Thanked 215 Times in 86 Posts

    Default Negative relationship with regular

    I think my "regular" is trying to have an abusive relationship (dancer-regular club relationship) with me. He is a fairly normal most of the time except that he is very egotistical and likes to tell everybody how rich he is. He is extremely cheap with his money, but he has started to do rooms with me once or twice a week. In this economy this money is significant (a couple of years ago it wouldn't have been and I wouldn't stick around to put up with his craziness). He is also a very bad drunk. Most of the time he is "normal" and we get along. But sometimes when he drinks a switch is flipped inside him and he is twisted, tries to fuck with my head, and is outright delusional. He accuses of me saying offensive things to him and just last night accused me of saying that he was "wasting my time" but he was actually the one who said it to me! I call him out every single time he gets like this and we end up in an argument. I have now walked away from him about 5-7 times. Everytime he this happens he comes into the club and I ignore him. He then comes to my stage and tips me and apologizes. Sometimes I still avoid him for a couple of days, while he still requests me to come sit by him/dance. Eventually a dead night rolls around and I give in. He is aware that he needs to stop drinking and that his behavior is off, but while it's going on he makes me feel like the crazy one. Other people in the club are starting to recognize his behavior. I think he is used to having abusive relationships. I had an abusive childhood and am just recently realizing (after some research) that I have a tendency to put up with abusive treatment because it's pretty normal to me and I also feel comfortable in a victim role (heavy!). Knowing this I tell myself (and him) that this dynamic is not normal and I don't want to be around it.
    I guess I am mainly venting, but I think I'm looking for validation to stay away from this crazy guy once and for all. Has anybody had this experience? Any advice? I really want the money, but not the crazy!

  2. #2
    Veteran Member summerbre's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    600
    Thanks
    763
    Thanked 1,186 Times in 375 Posts

    Default Re: Negative relationship with regular

    In my experience with bad customers, the best thing to do for yourself is end the relationship.

    It's REALLY hard to give up on a high-paying customer, but this job is not "abuse me and give me money." It's "let me provide this fantasy for you, and you pay me for it." He's using you as his punching bag, not his fantasy, and that's incredibly unfair. No amount of money is worth that. I completely validate your desire to stay away from this crazy once and for all!!!!!

    It's REALLY awesome that you can recognize abusive patterns like that, and even more awesome that you have enough self-awareness and self-respect to know that this regular/dancer relationship is not worth it. I've had similar situations with regulars and boyfriends and it took a lot of therapy and "me-time" to break the patterns from my childhood. I admire anyone introspective enough to explore that about themselves, because I know first hand how difficult that can be.

    If you're concerned about him coming in after you "break up" with him, I would talk to your managers and see if they're willing to give him the boot and have him exiled. I realize some clubs won't give a shit, but I've never personally had a manager not take my word for it and help me feel protected at work. If they refused me in a situation like this, I would quit and find a new club, because his abuse could affect how you feel at work, even when he is not around.

  3. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to summerbre For This Useful Post:


  4. #3
    Senior Member
    Joined
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    154
    Thanks
    295
    Thanked 215 Times in 86 Posts

    Default Re: Negative relationship with regular

    Thank you Summerbre. Thank you for validating my feelings
    and desire to separate myself from this regular. More importantly thank you for sharing your knowledge and encouraging words about the long term effects of childhood abuse (falling into abusive patterns). I have been doing a lot of reading about it recently and had never fully realized that it's common to continually "play the victim role" because it feels normal to victims of abuse. I hope other ladies on this site, that had abuse in their childhood, read this thread and become conscious of negative patterns too. I'm just worried that I will give in to him one dead night to make the money. Stripping can warp your mind sometimes and make you greedy (and stupid).

  5. #4
    Veteran Member summerbre's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    600
    Thanks
    763
    Thanked 1,186 Times in 375 Posts

    Default Re: Negative relationship with regular

    You're welcome! If you ever want to chat, you can always message me. I wish I had good resources/reading material to offer on that sort of stuff, but really my primary source of help for exploring those patterns that affected me personally was a kick-ass therapist and a short break from the industry. Still, I understand the victim role and sometimes still do struggle with it, so I get how helpful support can be... I hope this guy gets kicked out so you don't have to deal with that again!

  6. #5
    Veteran Member missykrissy's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2008
    Posts
    425
    Thanks
    1,850
    Thanked 552 Times in 219 Posts

    Default Re: Negative relationship with regular

    Cede,
    As far as abusive relationships in your personal life go, try reading a book called "Why does he do that?" by Lundy something.
    It's awesome.
    I agree w summer. A few times I have walked away from $$$ because a customer wanted to play control games (I was required to give him my phone #, had to do a two for one, etc) I don't play games like that. And yeah, I think it's a sign of an abusive and controlling personality to hold money over someone's head. I've had a guy raise his voice to me and swear he was going to post a bad review about me (he did) but I still walked off. Just walk away. Please don't bother telling this guy that he's abusive and needs to stop. Abusers don't stop at the request of their victims.

    And good for you for recognizing what's going on!!! Look I'm pissed off at this guy for you!! Hugs girl be strong.

  7. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to missykrissy For This Useful Post:


  8. #6
    Member NakedNerd's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2012
    Location
    Lap Dance Land
    Posts
    41
    Thanks
    87
    Thanked 62 Times in 25 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: Negative relationship with regular

    I just read everybody else's responses, and I think they're more right than I am.

    Just "break up" with him and dont dance for him again, even if its a slow night. I think that'll be better for your emotional/mental health.

  9. #7
    Veteran Member
    Joined
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    313
    Thanks
    166
    Thanked 279 Times in 137 Posts
    My Mood
    Devilish

    Default Re: Negative relationship with regular

    I understand everyones point but imho it depends on how well ur able to make money without hmi..if he doesnt greatly contribute to ur income then ditch him bc hes a pain n the ass to deal with. But if in this shit ass economy with constant bad nights I may have to say to re-think dealing with him..If u can block him out and still bank off him then Id go for it if money is non-existent without him.

  10. #8
    Veteran Member
    Joined
    May 2005
    Location
    US
    Posts
    356
    Thanks
    214
    Thanked 68 Times in 36 Posts

    Default Re: Negative relationship with regular

    this guy sounds like bad news, I'd stay away from him. My instincts guide me big time at the clubs. I know it's easier said than done on a slow night when he's the one spending. Can you make an arrangement to only see him at beginning of your shift (or day time) before he's drunk? I know that would change the dynamic big time and he prob wouldn't go to the club if he couldn't drink... But dealing with these guys takes a toll no matter the nature of the relationship (husband or random strip club patron, etc.) you made a post, so it is obviously taking a toll on your psyche. Take care of yourself above anything or anyone else.

  11. #9
    Senior Member
    Joined
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    154
    Thanks
    295
    Thanked 215 Times in 86 Posts

    Default Re: Negative relationship with regular

    I have tried some of the ideas suggested like walking away and refusing to sit by him for a while after he acts crazy and to sit by him when he is not that drunk, but eventually he gets out of control again. I think the way to go is cut all ties, thanks ladies for the support.

    Just to update...I worked last night and he was there (he is at the club 5+ nights a week!). He sent me a shot while I was sitting w/ another customer. Then he came up to my stage like he always does after he has a crazy episode, to try to tip and apologize. I ignored him. Then he came up to me and gave me a dollar with a psycho note on a napkin. It said things like: i know you hate me, but..., you truley humble me, please forgive me, blah, blah, blah. I pinned it up in the housemom's office. Danced on stage again, skipped him for my tip walk again. Then I went and hid in the locker room/talked to housemom. Came out on the floor and 1 minute later another shot was being poured for me. As I'm standing there telling the bartender how crazy he is, he comes up to me. He asks a series of dumb questions like am I ignoring him, would I like to do a room, etc. I answer w/ very short answers and then turn my back to him. He stands there for a couple minutes, starts to walk around bar, turns back and asks me, "so I take it my apology was not accepted.". I replied, "does it matter?". Next time I was on stage he came up again and I ignored him. I felt really angry and ready to walk out that final stage set. I'm thinking," you are completely psycho and you need to have taken the many hints I gave you already!". If he pulls this again I am going to talk to my manager and have a male employee ask him to stay away from me.

  12. #10
    Veteran Member summerbre's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    600
    Thanks
    763
    Thanked 1,186 Times in 375 Posts

    Default Re: Negative relationship with regular

    Quote Originally Posted by cede View Post
    I ignored him. Then he came up to me and gave me a dollar with a psycho note on a napkin. It said things like: i know you hate me, but..., you truley humble me, please forgive me, blah, blah, blah. I pinned it up in the housemom's office.
    LOL! I've had a customer write me a note ON the dollar once. At least he used a napkin!

    He sounds very dramatic, so dealing directly with him might just exacerbate things... I agree, I think you should talk to your manager and have him hear it from a middle man. Abusive men usually genuinely believe they haven't done anything wrong, so if you confront him with it there may just be an argument. Although, it might not hurt to remind him that he's your CUSTOMER, NOT your boyfriend/lover/FWB, and since he did not honor your boundaries as a dancer, you are reserving your right to deny him your BUSINESS. He has no right to follow you around the club like that, at a certain point it becomes harassment.

    At work, my number one priority is to make money -- BUT tied for first place, is the priority of making sure I am ALWAYS respecting my boundaries. I may lose $20-$100 in a night refusing to sit with the customer/dance for a customer that makes me uncomfortable, is "grope-y," rude, etc... But I've lost my mind in this business before by letting those dollar signs trump the importance of my emotional stability, and in the long run discovered that it is not worth it. I still make very good money in this business, but I do it MY way.

    Another way to look at it, if you are having doubts about losing a high-paying customer, is this:

    When I have a customer that upsets me, crosses my boundaries or violates me in some way, it brings my mood down. Other potential customers can sense that -- I'm not always the best at burying it. So by allowing one man to compromise my usually high level of endorphins ( ), it throws my hustle off, and likely ruins my shot at other potential customers for the night. By maintaining a positive and upbeat attitude at work, I'm actually making more money in the long run, PLUS I am getting the "good" customers -- the ones who are attracted to my "genuine" hustle, smile and high energy, instead of the customers that are attracted by a girl they feel they may be able to take advantage of or "kick" when she's down.

    This is what works for ME, I realize a LOT of women in this business have a thicker skin and different boundaries than I do. What can I say, I'm a sensitive Cancer.

    I hope this helps a little bit! If you disagree, choose to disregard.

  13. The Following User Says Thank You to summerbre For This Useful Post:


Similar Threads

  1. no bs. why so negative?
    By Avi Hale in forum Camming Connection
    Replies: 14
    Last Post: 10-17-2012, 02:43 PM
  2. Negative = Positive
    By hockeybobby in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 04-27-2008, 02:50 PM
  3. negative BA experience
    By tennisqt in forum Body Business
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 02-24-2008, 09:33 PM
  4. When They're Negative About Themselves
    By Bella21 in forum Hustle Hut
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 08-08-2006, 09:52 AM
  5. Type O Negative
    By hardkandee in forum Music Mix
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 06-19-2004, 10:16 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •