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Thread: When to disclose dancing past?

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    Default When to disclose dancing past?

    I successfully quit dancing last march and have been working as a bartender ever since.
    At the time I was in a relationship which I ended in October. I briefly dated a friend who knew about my history, but that didn't work out.
    Now I'm about to start dating a guy from out of town who doesn't know I used to dance. If he was any other sort of guy I wouldn't fret about it but he works in banking and I'm concerned that when I tell him he'll think I'm after money, which isn't the case. I clearly decided money isn't a priority when I gave myself an 80% pay cut to work a job where I clean toilets.
    If I tell him too soon he might just walk away but if I wait too long it looks like I'm dishonest.
    Opinions?

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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    Why don't You tell him when You're alone, ready to get intimate,then give him a seductive chair dance? Just kidding! I made that mistake only once, and the guy asked me how I could ever do such a thing,don't i have respect for myself,and called me a cheap whore! He was this old weathly dude,clearly with issues, so I just got up from the restaurant, walked out, hailed a cab, and vowed to keep it to myself-FOREVER!

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    Veteran Member summerbre's Avatar
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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    I've debated this myself, for the times when I wasn't dancing anymore. I usually didn't tell the guys I was dating... Fact is, I never did. But that's only because nothing ever really got serious enough to warrant it, in my opinion. My plan, if things did get serious, was to tell them in a way that seemed as nonchalant as possible and weave it into a story that was contextually relevant in conversation, so it didn't seem like I was trying to make a huge deal about it. That way, if they wanted to make a big deal about it, I'd be able to turn it around... "Why would you have issue with something I quit doing a year ago?"

    I wouldn't recommend sitting him down and making it a "thing," because it really shouldn't be a big deal! If you were still stripping, it'd be different, but you're not - so your past is your business! Tell him when it feels right, or don't tell him at all.

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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    It's part of your past, so I don't think you have to make a big deal out of disclosing it. On the contrary, I think the less of a big deal you make of it, the less of a big deal it'll end up being. Like, if you sit him down and have a serious talk about your past and disclose that you used to dance, he might worry about why it's such a big deal to you, thus making it a big deal for him. If you just nonchalantly mention it when it comes up organically in a conversation, he probably won't care as much because it'll clearly be a part of your past that isn't a big deal to you. Personally, I'd go for the latter option. It's not like you have to detail all past employment with potential boyfriends, and really, that's all stripping is to you now. If you treat it like such in conversation, that's all it'll be to him too.

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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    This is something I have been wondering myself because I met this guy and while we haven't officially started dated I think that will happen eventually. However, I have a strange feeling he would dislike strippers because he has made comments about how online is full of people that sleep around. Not that dancers do that, but we all know the stereotypes. Part of me thinks not to tell him at all since it's been years but another feels that is lying to him. Anyway I'll probably bring it up after we start getting serious in a nonchalant way such as that I know strippers and see what he does.

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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    like others have advised, i would treat it as no big deal and go about it in a casual manner. as for me, if a guy flipped and started going on about what he thinks he knows about dancing and how i must be a slut, and being ignorant..then i would know that i shouldn't waste any further time..a guy needs to be open-minded, supportive and understanding for me but thats my personal preference

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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    Sorry, I am not a dancer so may be I should not comment here. But I feel that you should be honest with your partners. Your job is/was a part of your life and if your SO is not comfortable with it then may be you guys share a different value system/opinions.

    Honesty should be the foundation of any relationship. May be allow him to get you know better, and before it is getting too serious, you can tell her about this. If your past bothers him/her so much that he/she can not continue the relationship, it is better to end it there. If he knows at a later stage, both of you will be hurt a lot more.

    Once again, sorry if you got offended by a non-dancer opinion but I just shared what I feel about relationships, doesn't matter if with a dancer or a person in any other profession.

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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    "Hey, I really like you, and I know this can be a 'deal-breaker' for some guys, so I just thought you should know that I danced for however-many years. I hope it's not too awkward of me to tell you like this, but I just don't want you to think it's something I was hiding from you."

    ^or something?

    I told my SO two or three weeks after our first date. He was a wee bit floored, but took it well. I chose to tell him when I did because, like my suggestion reads, I know that some guys would say it's a deal-breaker, and I wanted a relationship with him. I've never been one to casually date, but if I were and didn't see any sort of "future" with the other person, I'm not sure I would disclose it so easily. Unfortunately, the reality of our collective situation is such that being forthcoming sometimes results in threats to our safety and happiness. I was very lucky to find the person I did, and I felt that he would not treat me poorly because of my job when I decided to tell him. I was right about him, but I know that that would not the case with almost every one of my exes, and the same goes for my friends and family.

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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    Quote Originally Posted by dancingdiva1 View Post
    It would be amazing to find a guy that is totally supportive and cool with dating an ex stripper and i'm all for the honesty but the reality of the situation is that most dudes are better off not knowing the truth.
    I don't get this mentality. How are they "better off," and why would you want to be with someone who needs to be spared such a simple truth..? That doesn't sound like a supportive or worthwhile partner. Yeah, it's difficult to find decent men (and women!), but why bother otherwise? Even if I weren't a dancer, I wouldn't want to be with a man who looked down on a whole class of women because of their jobs.

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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    He doesn't need to know, like a old lover.

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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    From my experience with people they say they understand but rarely ever do unless they have experienced hard times.
    I personally never tell anyone anything any more until I really know them as a person which takes years.

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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    Quote Originally Posted by Elizabeth2013 View Post
    From my experience with people they say they understand but rarely ever do unless they have experienced hard times.
    being a dancer doesn't necessarily mean you just do it because you are poor and can't think of anything else, or that somebody who is poor would automatically consider it..and idk, i wouldn't get into a serious relationship without telling my SO the whole truth. if they found out that you've hid what you used to do ( if you did it for awhile) it could raise some red flags in their mind about your truthfulness as a whole. I'm not suggesting you blurt it out on the first or second date, but if it gets serious i think they deserve to know before-hand if it was a big part of your life at one point

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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    Kitin
    Why did you even quit dancing if you're still dragging it around with you?
    You haven't even met this guy yet and you're worried about his opinion?
    For all you know a few weeks from now you might decide to pass on him.
    If you're really through with dancing, then be through with it. Done.
    It's not like you did ten years for manslaughter or something.
    Imo there's nothing to disclose. Carry around the wrong attitude about yourself and you will attract people with the same attitude.

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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    Quote Originally Posted by simone87 View Post
    being a dancer doesn't necessarily mean you just do it because you are poor and can't think of anything else, or that somebody who is poor would automatically consider it..and idk, i wouldn't get into a serious relationship without telling my SO the whole truth. if they found out that you've hid what you used to do ( if you did it for awhile) it could raise some red flags in their mind about your truthfulness as a whole. I'm not suggesting you blurt it out on the first or second date, but if it gets serious i think they deserve to know before-hand if it was a big part of your life at one point
    When i say hard times I mean having gone through things in life to open ones mind. It does not have to do with money. It has to do with life.
    People who experience hard things in life and dont live in a box,,,often realize there are different types of jobs ,people and cultures. And tend to look at things a bit more mature.
    Telling someone you just met about what you do for a living to me is a mistake. You really should get to know their personality first.
    If you want to admit it or not people judge you for what you have done or what you have not done. Just my opinion.

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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    Quote Originally Posted by Elizabeth2013 View Post
    When i say hard times I mean having gone through things in life to open ones mind. It does not have to do with money. It has to do with life.
    People who experience hard things in life and dont live in a box,,,often realize there are different types of jobs ,people and cultures. And tend to look at things a bit more mature.
    Telling someone you just met about what you do for a living to me is a mistake. You really should get to know their personality first.
    If you want to admit it or not people judge you for what you have done or what you have not done. Just my opinion.
    ok, sorry i misunderstood about the hard times quote :p and no way would i suggest you tell people you just met, although if you want to more power to ya, i was saying if you get into a serious relationship ..

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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    Quote Originally Posted by kitinboots View Post
    I successfully quit dancing last march and have been working as a bartender ever since.
    At the time I was in a relationship which I ended in October. I briefly dated a friend who knew about my history, but that didn't work out.
    Now I'm about to start dating a guy from out of town who doesn't know I used to dance. If he was any other sort of guy I wouldn't fret about it but he works in banking and I'm concerned that when I tell him he'll think I'm after money, which isn't the case. I clearly decided money isn't a priority when I gave myself an 80% pay cut to work a job where I clean toilets.
    If I tell him too soon he might just walk away but if I wait too long it looks like I'm dishonest.
    Opinions?
    I'm honestly not sure what you mean by, "about to start dating", are you about to become exclusive or about to go on the first date? Either way, I think that if you want to tell him you should tell him buttt if you feel like it isn't a part of who you are anymore and you would rather not tell him that is fine too.

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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    Wow I wish I read this thread last year!!
    I was with a guy for 11 months and I waited several months before I told him. He was shocked and was weary of me, he said he thought strippers were phoney, just take theur clothes off for anyone etc. My friend advised me to tell him, but the relationship went downhill. Now he won't even reply to my text. So after 11months of dating he can't even bother to break it off in person, yet alone put it in a txt. (I just wrote a thread in Life support). I really liked him and am pretty upset about it.
    My last long term bf left over my dancing, and most men are judgemental.
    In the future I will keep it to myself or like Kellydancer said I will test the waters first!

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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    Double post

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    Default Re: When to disclose dancing past?

    Quote Originally Posted by Glamourmilf View Post
    Why don't You tell him when You're alone, ready to get intimate,then give him a seductive chair dance? Just kidding! I made that mistake only once, and the guy asked me how I could ever do such a thing,don't i have respect for myself,and called me a cheap whore! He was this old weathly dude,clearly with issues, so I just got up from the restaurant, walked out, hailed a cab, and vowed to keep it to myself-FOREVER!
    Yep, I vote w/this


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