Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: No Pity for Frenemies

  1. #1
    Moderator Optimist's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2004
    Location
    House of Aion
    Posts
    8,074
    Thanks
    7,881
    Thanked 5,705 Times in 2,127 Posts
    My Mood
    In Love

    Angry No Pity for Frenemies

    You just can't get mad at some people because they are just so befuddled and pitiful--until they screw you over.

    Les Pitiables


    Still wearing that hard hat? It's time to add work gloves and safety goggles, and perhaps jump in the reinforced driver's cage of a bulldozer. We're about to discuss the most dangerous people of all: les pitiables. According to Martha Stout, PhD, an expert on sociopathy who taught at Harvard Medical School for more than two decades, the key to recognizing sociopaths is that they consistently mess up other people's lives while actively soliciting pity. Most people don't want to be pitied, but sociopaths adore it. If you consistently feel pity for someone who causes you many problems, develop and bear a protective grudge. Now.

    For example, Lucy's sister Sue was a walking disaster area. When she borrowed Lucy's car, it got rear-ended. When she babysat Lucy's children, the kids set fire to the curtains. When Lucy gave her sister money (Sue was always broke), the cash got lost or stolen. Through it all, Sue's misery made Lucy's heart ache with pity.

    Can you say "huge red flag"?

    Sue was plying the sociopathic trade of getting Lucy to pity her for the very things she did to mess up Lucy's life. Finally, Lucy learned to hold a healthy grudge: She stopped buying into Sue's woeful stories, leaving children with her, or giving her money. She still loved Sue, but she wasn't willing to risk having her house go up in flames.

    The Hyde Transformers

    A final reason for holding a grudge is what I call a visit from Mr. Hyde. Your instincts will tell you to react to such events by putting emotional distance between you and any person who displays the capacity to be truly monstrous—even if, most of the time, these people are jovial Dr. Jekylls.

    Kelly's new boss, Cheryl, was funny, charismatic, and smart. True, she often showed up late for meetings, or seemed not to remember promises, but Kelly admired Cheryl in spite of those things. So she was shocked—actually, everyone was shocked—when Cheryl suddenly lost it during a staff meeting.

    "We were discussing something insignificant," Kelly remembered. "I don't even recall what it was that set her off." But Kelly will never forget Cheryl's behavior. "She started screaming at us, saying we were all working together to 'bring her down.' Her face was bright red. She was sputtering. Then she turned on one woman who'd recently had a miscarriage, and said, 'You put that lump of tissue in your uterus ahead of me.' Our jaws were on the floor. That was just way beyond the pale."

    On this bizarre note, Cheryl dismissed the meeting. A few hours later, she walked through the office chatting, so charming and relaxed that Kelly began to wonder if the tantrum really happened.

    Kelly tried to rationalize Cheryl's behavior. "I thought maybe she had a brain tumor or something." But Kelly couldn't explain it away. Cheryl hadn't been just moody; she had been extraordinarily cruel. "Even in my worst mood," Kelly told me, "I would never have said something like that."

    Wisely, Kelly held a grudge. She regarded Cheryl as she would a wild animal, one that could be calm and playful one moment, savage and destructive the next. There may be infinite explanations for such erratic behavior, but an explanation is not a reason to drop your armor. On most days, for example, Jeffrey Dahmer didn't kill or eat anyone. But the times he did made society hold a grudge against him. Forever. If someone in your life is genuinely monstrous part of the time—even once—be leery all the time. Wear your grudge armor. It could prevent catastrophe.

    Having laid out the kinds of people who are best managed with caution, alertness, and the dexterity of a rattlesnake wrangler, I still think unconditional love and forgiveness are saintly qualities, ones we should all cultivate. If you need to be reminded of this, rent Beaches and watch it with your best friend. You'll cry your eyes out. Then dig in and talk about the human planarians in your life, the people who've struck out three times, the gaslighters, the pity mongers, and the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde transformers. Such talk keeps your grudges light and strong, the way God intended. Or at least how Miss M. intended. Which is divine enough for me.(SNIP)
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

  2. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Optimist For This Useful Post:


  3. #2
    God/dess simone87's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2012
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    5,171
    Thanks
    7,361
    Thanked 9,469 Times in 3,228 Posts
    My Mood
    Cheeky

    Default Re: No Pity for Frenemies

    this is awesome! i've been dealing with people like these my whole life. you are so right about "les pitiables", my sons father was diagnosed as a sociopath and all of that is so true! i ruined probably a good 5 or 6 years letting those kinds of people dismantle my life, i wish more than anything i could have those years back. passive-agressives are infuriating too!

  4. The Following User Says Thank You to simone87 For This Useful Post:


  5. #3
    Featured Member MissSassyPickles's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2012
    Location
    United States
    Posts
    1,233
    Thanks
    1,664
    Thanked 2,518 Times in 767 Posts
    My Mood
    Psychedelic

    Default Re: No Pity for Frenemies

    I read "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout and it was an excellent read.

    It's actually scary how many sociopaths there are, that the majority are not serial killers or rapists, just everyday people that most wouldn't recognize unless they were observed carefully.

  6. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to MissSassyPickles For This Useful Post:


  7. #4
    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2004
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    27,134
    Thanks
    55,898
    Thanked 26,028 Times in 13,271 Posts
    Blog Entries
    1
    My Mood
    Aggressive

    Default Re: No Pity for Frenemies

    ************
    Last edited by whirlerz; 03-30-2013 at 12:07 PM.

  8. #5
    Veteran Member The_Ecdysiast's Avatar
    Joined
    Jun 2011
    Location
    DMV
    Posts
    215
    Thanks
    240
    Thanked 111 Times in 61 Posts

    Default Re: No Pity for Frenemies

    My therapist made me read this book, and WOW! VERY insightful - it was a true eye-opener.

    Quote Originally Posted by MissSassyPickles View Post
    I read "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout and it was an excellent read.

    It's actually scary how many sociopaths there are, that the majority are not serial killers or rapists, just everyday people that most wouldn't recognize unless they were observed carefully.

  9. #6
    Moderator Optimist's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2004
    Location
    House of Aion
    Posts
    8,074
    Thanks
    7,881
    Thanked 5,705 Times in 2,127 Posts
    My Mood
    In Love

    Default Re: No Pity for Frenemies

    Isn't it horrifying???!!! I know there are a LOT of sociopaths at my club, dancers, staff, and customers. Strip clubs like churches are like catnip to those people. Always on some crazy scheme. I think I met one this weekend. Nice but CRAZAY!
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

  10. The Following User Says Thank You to Optimist For This Useful Post:


  11. #7
    God/dess chanzep's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    5,532
    Thanks
    26,284
    Thanked 7,700 Times in 3,084 Posts
    My Mood
    Blah

    Default Re: No Pity for Frenemies

    Ooh I need this book.
    xoxo

  12. #8
    Member AnthroGirl's Avatar
    Joined
    Oct 2012
    Location
    Orange County
    Posts
    58
    Thanks
    180
    Thanked 99 Times in 30 Posts
    My Mood
    Chatty

    Default Re: No Pity for Frenemies

    Quote Originally Posted by Optimist View Post
    ...Kelly admired Cheryl in spite of those things. So she was shocked—actually, everyone was shocked—when Cheryl suddenly lost it during a staff meeting.

    "We were discussing something insignificant," Kelly remembered. "I don't even recall what it was that set her off." But Kelly will never forget Cheryl's behavior. "She started screaming at us, saying we were all working together to 'bring her down.' Her face was bright red. She was sputtering.
    Did anyone else picture Parker Posey in Price Check?

  13. #9
    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2004
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    27,134
    Thanks
    55,898
    Thanked 26,028 Times in 13,271 Posts
    Blog Entries
    1
    My Mood
    Aggressive

    Default Re: No Pity for Frenemies

    Quote Originally Posted by MissSassyPickles View Post
    I read "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout and it was an excellent read.

    It's actually scary how many sociopaths there are, that the majority are not serial killers or rapists, just everyday people that most wouldn't recognize unless they were observed carefully.
    Thank you so much, Optimist, for this thread & link! Miss Sass, I just put that book on hold @ my library! I've read books about sociopaths, but they're mainly the serial killer ones.

    I read it..terrifying.
    Last edited by whirlerz; 02-06-2013 at 06:19 PM.


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

  14. The Following User Says Thank You to whirlerz For This Useful Post:


  15. #10
    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2004
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    27,134
    Thanks
    55,898
    Thanked 26,028 Times in 13,271 Posts
    Blog Entries
    1
    My Mood
    Aggressive

    Default Re: No Pity for Frenemies

    Personally, I think the percentage of sociopaths is higher than 4%.


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

Similar Threads

  1. Pity dances?
    By Montrealais in forum Customer Conversation
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 04-10-2011, 02:02 PM
  2. The Pity Dance
    By Shy_Guy in forum Customer Conversation
    Replies: 30
    Last Post: 08-28-2009, 03:49 AM
  3. I need a pity party
    By Silverback in forum Member Boards
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: 12-13-2007, 12:59 PM
  4. Ever get pity marks?
    By mollyzmoon in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 01-12-2007, 11:50 PM
  5. The pity factor....
    By sallylou in forum General Board
    Replies: 20
    Last Post: 05-18-2003, 08:23 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •