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Thread: Lost my best friend. (long)

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    Veteran Member Nocturnelle's Avatar
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    Default Lost my best friend. (long)

    Last night after I got in bed (around 1 am) I hear my roommate talking to another person here. Her and I have been friends since 2008. She's one of the few people I'm closest with. My only friends (versus acquantinces) are her, and the two other girls I met through her that I have invariably lost as well.

    I couldn't sleep because they were talking so loud and couldn't help but overhear some of the shit that was being said. About me.

    - How I am a terrible roommate. I used all of her bags. (I did not, I don't use her things, except the straws. Which I offered to reimburse her for.)

    - That I never take out the trash. (Don't forget that I do all the dishes and keep the kitchen and living room spotless. She'll camp out in there for days and leave it a train wreck of food wrappers, crumbs, papers, dvds, etc. Or let the dishes pile up in the sink, leave food in the microwave and leave wrappers and crumbs everywhere)

    - That I left the door wide open. Even though I had been home well before she got there and hadn't left all night. How could I do that?

    - That we aren't friends because she is never there.

    - I keep the thermostat too high. That her and the old roommate had an agreement it stays at a certain temp. She never discussed this with me, or I wouldn't be bitching about it. I keep it at 73. She wants it at upper 60s. That was honestly the first I had heard about it.

    - I was late with rent this month. This is completely my fault. I am working a new site that has a 3 week payment delay. I didn't read this. I showed her that I do indeed have the money, but am just waiting for the site to send me my check. This is my fault, I don't fault her for being upset about this.

    - That we have mismatching schedules and that she wants to sit down and talk to me about being a bad roommate. I am always here - except on the weekends- and she knows this. I sleep here every. single. night. during the week and am only gone when I'm working out between 4 and 7. The weekends I am gone to spend with Eric. She on the other hand is always in class or at fashion studio at crazy hours. Do NOT get mad at me. If I knew she wanted to talk, I would make time.

    - She's mad because she had surgery in december. She gave me the wrong date. I was supposed to drive her there and back and watch her for the entire day. I had a day planned out of movies, Dance Moms, lots of icecream and relaxing. But, imagine my surprise when I come home the day before I thought it was supposed to happen and find her already with someone else. Why didn't she tell me about her surgery uh.. The NIGHT BE FUCKING FORE. Or the day before. Or the week of. We had talked *just fine* the night before her surgery. Was out in the living room watching tv for a few hours, then she went to bed. NO MENTION OF HER SURGERY.

    - Where was she when I was suicidal and depressed months ago? I TOLD HER THAT I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF AND SHE DID NOTHING.

    - I am always the one cleaning up. She says how she is afraid of pests. But who is the one who leaves dishes in the sink for days, or leaves crumbs everywhere in the living room and in the kitchen, or have their room look like a tornado hit it. Versus the person whos room is always spotless, cleared and clean and has a clean bathroom. What the fuck? I'm not a pig.

    I'm just mad and hurt.

    On top of it, she says she is moving out. Why didn't she tell me so I can start trying to find a new roommate? We have been friends for years.. So now what? Her plan was to just fuck me over?

    TLDR: My friend is not my friend anymore. She's mad because I never take out the trash (but clean everything else) and leave the heat on too high.

    I wrote her this letter:

    Hey, I was just hoping to clarify a few things. I know we have different schedules so this isn’t me trying to write a passive aggressive letter, that isn’t my intention at all. Some things have been going on that I’d really like to address. Last night you had someone over and you guys were talking about me, from about 1:30 am to 4:00 am and I heard everything.

    I know we aren’t best friends anymore, but I atleast thought we were friends vs just roommates. I’m not sure when that switch happened but am sad to see our friendship end. I know sometimes I can be a lax roommate and I just want to apologize. My schedule is so hectic between working, working out and sleeping. I am never here and when I am I am confined to my room, so I apologize on letting the common area get sub par. I try my best and keep it clean but sometimes I do forget to take out the trash, that is my fault. I just wanted to bring something up though in that I am rarely ever in the living room, and when I am my stuff is cleaned up. I’ve noticed when you tend to camp out there that a mess can be left for days, and not just little things but food wrappers, bags, receipts, books, and plates. I clean this up because I do like a clean area and have no problem with it. Same with doing the dishes that inevitably get piled up. Since I cook the most I have no issue doing yours as well.
    I’m unsure as to what bags you were referring to that I use. The only bags I use are the sandwich bags that I purchased, and the plastic grocery bags that I contribute to. If I mistakenly used something of yours, I will fully reimburse you (especially because I know I do use the straws that are yours).

    I was home last night from 7:45 pm to well, right at at 10 am the next day. I had not left in that entire time, there was no way I left the door unlocked when you and your friend came in after me. I would never leave our door wide open.

    I confided in you that a few months ago my father was having heart issues. I don’t think I ever explained the extent of it but he nearly died and as a result had to have a quintuple bypass and a valve replacement on his heart. Five months ago he had a pace maker installed. This created a lot of debt for my parents and as a result they have decided to cut me off financially. Had I known this was going to happen I would have never moved in. I apologize on being late with rent this month. As I have told you, I have the money but am waiting for my site to mail my check. They are on a three week payment delay. So anything that I made during the week of 6-11 got sent out yesterday. I apologize, this was completely my fault as when I changed my payment I didn’t realize it would revert from a 1 week delay to a 3 week. I know, excuses. I am just trying to explain my situation. I have zero savings, I have only been working online for three months now and it has been rough. I am saving every dime I can.

    Last night I heard you mention my spending habits. I did not purchase that $15 water bottle. I think that’s a crazy amount to spend on a water bottle. It was actually a gift from my boyfriend. I haven’t been shopping in weeks (I have actually returned/sold a lot of my clothing to help get cash) and only spend money on the necessities.

    I cannot even afford my medication anymore. I apologize if I have been moody or unbalanced lately. That is how dire this situation is. I have gone on a few job interviews to try and get back into the “straight” business world but no such luck. Trust me, I am trying. My life has been steadily going downhill and I am trying to work on everything including the loss of my friends/support system.

    I apologize for not being there for your surgery. I was incorrectly told the wrong date and only knew of your surgery when I came home to find you and kersti in the living room. Why not bring your surgery up the night before, the day before, or the week of? If you wanted me to help you you had to keep me informed on the correct time and date.

    Do you remember when I wanted to check myself into a mental hospital because I was suicidal and extremely depressed? I felt the same way that you did about your surgery. You never asked me how I was that entire time that I was plotting my suicide. I had my note written, my method picked out and I REACHED OUT to you guys and no one said anything. Your friend wanted to kill herself and you did nothing.
    I just wish instead of me finding out through the walls that you would have talked to me first. I am sorry that things have gotten this bad, I honestly had no idea. I thought things were fine, that you’ve just been in studio or at class and that’s why we haven’t seen eachother or been able to hang out. I was wrong, I’m not sure if it’s because you’ve been avoiding me or what but I truly am sorry. We’ve been friends for over four years and I’d hate to see such a long friendship just go down the drain without atleast trying to fix it. I can be a better roommate. This has just been the most stressed out I have been in my entire life. January has been the worst month of my life and I’ve barely even scratched the surface at what has been going on. I am just sorry.

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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lost my best friend. (long)

    Well, to me she doesn't sound like a friend..sorry. Sorry this happened to you, I know it hurts. I am in the process of 'losing a friend' as well.. I don't see where you had to apologize, other than the rent which wasn't entirely your fault due to the co. you worked for.
    Also, it sounds like she very much has her own personal self benefiting agenda, & she see things her way only


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    Veteran Member summerbre's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lost my best friend. (long)

    Living with friends is SO HARD!

    I lived with my best friend from high school at two different points in our friendship. It really put a strain on our friendship sometimes, and we definitely had big blow-out arguments over silly things like trash and dishes and who was supposed to drive who to the bus stop, etc.

    The good news is, she and I are still very close. I don't think you really lost your best friend out of this situation -- at least, you don't have to. Living with people creates resentments no matter who you are, but if you both truly care about each other then I suggest you each find different roommates and try to salvage your friendship. I hope things work out for you!

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    Veteran Member Nocturnelle's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lost my best friend. (long)

    We have lived together before. We were sorority sisters and roomed together with two other roomates my freshman year, then together my sophmore year. Then over the summer of sophmore year in a fraternity house. Last night she was complaining that she had to help me move my stuff in from november, and how all the other times we used her car to move stuff. She conveniently left out the fact that I didn't have a car at the time, I helped her move in ALL her stuff. My stuff fit in half of her car. Her stuff took three trips. I helped her then, and I helped her move ALL HER SHIT in the winter to and from the parking garage down the street. Through the slush. Then she's complaining because this november when I moved in she had to help me even though she was tired from studio. I had to BEG HER to move my stuff in.

    From halloween to two weeks into november she kept giving me excuses as to why I had to wait. She was sick and couldn't help, she didn't clear the room out yet, she didn't have time. After about a week of telling her that I'd help move stuff and clear the room out, that all she has to do is unlock the fucking door and I'll do the rest she finally relented and let me move my stuff in. Then made me pay for the WHOLE month of november rent. Instead of half, like I assumed since I had only moved in on like... The 20th? I paid it and everything was fine. She still had stuff left in the closet and a few boxes in the room that had stayed until just after christmas when I got fed up and just put it all in her room. She kept saying she didn't have time to do it, and that she already had to clean her room. WTF. That isn't my problem.

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    Veteran Member Nocturnelle's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lost my best friend. (long)

    We have lived together before. We were sorority sisters and roomed together with two other roomates my freshman year, then together my sophmore year. Then over the summer of sophmore year in a fraternity house. Last night she was complaining that she had to help me move my stuff in from november, and how all the other times we used her car to move stuff. She conveniently left out the fact that I didn't have a car at the time, I helped her move in ALL her stuff. My stuff fit in half of her car. Her stuff took three trips. I helped her then, and I helped her move ALL HER SHIT in the winter to and from the parking garage down the street. Through the slush. Then she's complaining because this november when I moved in she had to help me even though she was tired from studio. I had to BEG HER to move my stuff in.

    From halloween to two weeks into november she kept giving me excuses as to why I had to wait. She was sick and couldn't help, she didn't clear the room out yet, she didn't have time. After about a week of telling her that I'd help move stuff and clear the room out, that all she has to do is unlock the fucking door and I'll do the rest she finally relented and let me move my stuff in. Then made me pay for the WHOLE month of november rent. Instead of half, like I assumed since I had only moved in on like... The 20th? I paid it and everything was fine. She still had stuff left in the closet and a few boxes in the room that had stayed until just after christmas when I got fed up and just put it all in her room. She kept saying she didn't have time to do it, and that she already had to clean her room. WTF. That isn't my problem.

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    Default Re: Lost my best friend. (long)

    Quote Originally Posted by whirlerz View Post
    Well, to me she doesn't sound like a friend..sorry. Sorry this happened to you, I know it hurts. I am in the process of 'losing a friend' as well.. I don't see where you had to apologize, other than the rent which wasn't entirely your fault due to the co. you worked for.
    Also, it sounds like she very much has her own personal self benefiting agenda, & she see things her way only
    I agree with this.
    I lived with a girl I thought of as my best friend.some years ago. I thought everything was fine and we were having fun and all was cool.
    She decided to use her two cats to breed off.I disagree with breeding animals, I am a rescuer and foster carer for unwanted animals (granted I don't do it at the moment as much, as I dont have my own place, but I did it for many years and as soon as my situation changes, I will do more, again) and I disagree with breeding completely because of the vast number of already unwanted animals desperate for a home-she just saw the ££$$ signs and wanted to breed off her cats for that. BUT because she was my friend, I let her bring her cats and their kittens, to my house and have them in the spare room. Her Mum lives on a farm and the cat gave birth there but I took her to visit them, I drove her EVERYWHERE even to the vets when her cats needed treatment, to work, to nights out, to her Mum's, etc-and when I drove her there the room was so cold and nasty and she wasn't there to be hands on and feed them all properly and look after them, and when her kittens were here, I couldn't have my Mum visit so for months I jeopardised my family relationship so she could have her cats at my house, as well as going totally against my principles, because she was a friend.
    If we went out I paid for drinks, I bought her wine and food in the house as I am from a much more privileged background to her and had more disposable income. I helped her with everything.
    She got pissed because I brought her ex back for a drink one night (note, her ex and I were friends LONG before she even met him!) and then I heard she'd bitched to a mutual friend that I always took her clothes and she never knew where they were as well. Bitch please, I borrowed a dress once, I asked her and she said yes. I also borrowed a vest once-but she took my clothes ALLLL the time!I didn't give a toss , clothes are clothes-friendship is friendship which one is more valuable?!
    Since she met her guy and moved out-she's been a complete coldheart toward me. The most recent thing was her having a go at me on fb (long story short, some douchebag put a horrid comment to a post of mine and has done before, I retaliated and told him to stop smoking so much weed and sponging off the government then maybes I'd value his opinion and she defende him, so I blocke her).She pretended at a few points if we bumped into one another that she missed me. We used to be very close-we worked together, we looked similar, had same music taste, liked nights out or in together, had a good time (so I thought) she chucked it all away over a few petty issues.I understand what you're going through but see it as a lesson as most people are not nice, they'll be friends when the weather's fair. I know why you wrote the letter and would have probably done the same
    From what you've said, this is a situation where you put more into a friendshp than you get out.
    You're better off without her and the letter most likely will not change anything because she's not the sort that'll understand it-she prefers to believe what she wants to believe and that suits her.
    You've been through the mill by the sounds of it and deserve better from a friend and as such, sort yourself out properly, be happy an the good people will come to you.
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    Default Re: Lost my best friend. (long)

    I wouldnt treat a friend like this...and I tend to be drawn to people who speak first / think later they arent afraid to speak their mind and be upfront, so I always know where I stand with them which is really comforting. All these things you brought up would have been taken care of and been no big deal at all had she taken even a second to communicate it with you, if she felt she never sees you...pop it in a text or an email "oh btw can we keep the thermo to 70..thanks!" or whatever.

    It would just suck to me to live in a place where Im not sure if the people I live with are secretly muttering about me instead of just facing whatever issues head on so that we can get past them...that would make me uncomfortable as heck, and to me, home should be a safe haven. I hope things turn out for the best here...really sucks t hear youve lost a close friend because of this. If she had talked to you instead of about you, this whole thing would have been a total non-issue.
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    Default Re: Lost my best friend. (long)

    wow i am so sorry! this happend to me too, although we hadn't been friends that long
    she doesn't sound like she was a real friend to begin with tho, so maybe its better finding out late than never. when you're living with somebody , theres always tension, and you reallly have to keep the communication flowing. her talking about you behind your back, and not caring at all when you were going through a real crisis really puts up red flags. she sounds like a bad friend, and it hurts losing somebody after 4 years, but its good to see their true side!

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    Default Re: Lost my best friend. (long)

    Thank you guys. We haven't spoken yet as I've been with my bf all weekend. Will keep you guys posted on what or of she even talks to me. Bonus, just got approved for gold shows on streamate!!

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    Default Re: Lost my best friend. (long)

    Quote Originally Posted by Nocturnelle View Post
    Bonus, just got approved for gold shows on streamate!!
    there is a rainbow somewhere to make you smile

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