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Thread: Hookups Killing the Romance

  1. #1
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    Default Hookups Killing the Romance

    “Traditional courtship — picking up the telephone and asking someone on a date — required courage, strategic planning and a considerable investment of ego (by telephone, rejection stings). Not so with texting, e-mail, Twitter or other forms of ‘asynchronous communication,’ as techies call it. In the context of dating, it removes much of the need for charm; it’s more like dropping a line in the water and hoping for a nibble.”
    In other words, the current hookup culture and socializing in groups allows young people, especially men, to avoid the experience of rejection. They rarely express authentic interest or desire. Rather than a direct invitation, these young men will text or send a Twitter message such as “Is anything fun going on tonight?” Even less expressive are the terse, last-minute messages “Hey” or “‘Sup?” When I recall the agony of asking girls out on dates — shaky voice as I practiced my invitation, sweaty palm on the telephone while I mustered the courage — I can certainly understand why young men would prefer expressions of casual indifference to putting their ego on the line. The prospect of rejection threatens to arouse shame and a sense of unworthiness." http://www.afterpsychotherapy.com/sh...-indifference/

    This is from one of my favorite blogs. It got me to wondering if hooking up has become too much of a good, casual thing? It's taken from this NYT article. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/13/fa...nted=all&_r=1&
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Moderator unbeleavable's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    Optimist, as a single man I don't think the tech world has killed romance. You still have to be you in the end but it does allow for a faster & broader response. I asked for a number last Fri. of a sweet bartender I just found & we have been communicating through text since, so why is the blogger complaining?

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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    I don't think technology has killed romance as much as changing values. Many years ago we didn't have online dating and the selections we have today, to say nothing of people having sex early on. In a way this ties into the sex industry because many years ago dancers could make money being clean and just dancing but now of course to compete in many clubs dancers need to provide things they never did before.

    As someone who did online dating (and still have up several profiles but without photos are usually inactive)I can state dating today is much different than in my teens and 20's. In those days it consisted of a guy asking me out, paying, and maybe we went out again, maybe not but if we did usually became a couple early on. Now it often consists of them expecting me to pay for myself, or paying for them (fine with paying for myself if just meeting or if I ask them out and fine with paying if I ask them), several first dates and often them asking me for sex right away or losing interest when I say no. Then of course there are the guys who want to be platonic friends only then want to decide if they want to be with me seriously. I mean wtf?

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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    OK, if I can be real for a minute Kelly? If I bring something to the table & you don't have equal... because in the Tech world this does happen.

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    Featured Member MissSassyPickles's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    I think technology has made men lazy, honestly. Before to pursue a woman there was actual work involved, and in turn after the pursuit she was treated much better than today because men felt like they earned her, and therefore treated her with respect.

    Now? Because everything is so easy there is not much incentive for a man to treat a woman well, because he can just as easily find another with little effort.

    Not say there weren't men that behaved this way before, but technology has made it much easier.
    Quote Originally Posted by qurl View Post
    You are sassy AND smart Miss Pickles.

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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    ^ I would agree which should make women more selective..

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    Featured Member MissSassyPickles's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    Yeah in theory they should, but the problem is I think a lot of women feel like hooking up is now their only option. Some also think that if they hook up for a while then the guy will eventually come around, which usually doesn't happen.

    It's all fine and good if you want to hook up and leave it at that, but I think a lot of women think dating today means hooking up, then seeing if a relationship will happen, in the meantime the male had no intention of things ever to get serious, so someone ends up getting hurt.

    I think it's important to ask what someone is looking for when you first start seeing them (male or female) so that you know what to expect and can avoid this. So in that way, I agree that women can be selective by asking from their perspective partners what they are looking for, and then react accordingly.
    Quote Originally Posted by qurl View Post
    You are sassy AND smart Miss Pickles.

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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    Don't ask, expect.. Always

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    God/dess simone87's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    i think its made it more difficult ( as a woman, im not sure how men feel). with text, email (even phone) you can't see body language, make eye contact, hear the tone of the voice..humans communicate through body language mostly so i believe its made it much more akward to really talk or ask somebody out. also, women aren't seen as being earned or courted anymore, it seems to have turned into more of an equal open playing field for either gender to make the first move, to hook up, etc..i think its more the culture. but, on the other hand... i think you could just as easily be flippant over the phone or in person, in fact i've found many guys open up much more through text than when they are face to face and get shy and afraid of rejection. think men have always been afraid of that, hell i know i am sometimes idk, interesting topic though!

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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    Quote Originally Posted by unbeleavable View Post
    OK, if I can be real for a minute Kelly? If I bring something to the table & you don't have equal... because in the Tech world this does happen.
    Not sure what you are asking but when it comes to dating I believe both should bring things equally. For example I am not one of those people who expects a man to cater to me at all. When I did online dating on a first meeting I always offered to buy my own (though I always went cheap first time).

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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    Quote Originally Posted by MissSassyPickles View Post
    Yeah in theory they should, but the problem is I think a lot of women feel like hooking up is now their only option. Some also think that if they hook up for a while then the guy will eventually come around, which usually doesn't happen.

    It's all fine and good if you want to hook up and leave it at that, but I think a lot of women think dating today means hooking up, then seeing if a relationship will happen, in the meantime the male had no intention of things ever to get serious, so someone ends up getting hurt.

    I think it's important to ask what someone is looking for when you first start seeing them (male or female) so that you know what to expect and can avoid this. So in that way, I agree that women can be selective by asking from their perspective partners what they are looking for, and then react accordingly.
    I saw this all the time with my friends doing online. They believed that if they slept with a man early on he would stay around and not the case usually. I know when I did online I was very casually where we met for a snack or a free/low pay meet up then went casual, meaning basically being friends first. I was honest upfront with what I was searching for and that I wasn't going to sleep with them early on. It did turn off many men but good riddance.

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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    Quote Originally Posted by Kellydancer View Post
    I saw this all the time with my friends doing online. They believed that if they slept with a man early on he would stay around and not the case usually. .
    damn, grown women actually believed that? i can see a teenage girl buying into that, but an adult woman?am i just weird, or do a lot of women just want sex too,? i thought that was just a mysoginistic stereotype that women were just clingy and looking for love and easily tricked, but maybe not :/

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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    Quote Originally Posted by simone87 View Post
    damn, grown women actually believed that? i can see a teenage girl buying into that, but an adult woman?am i just weird, or do a lot of women just want sex too,? i thought that was just a mysoginistic stereotype that women were just clingy and looking for love and easily tricked, but maybe not :/
    The sad thing is many of these women are older and should know better but don't. Not talking inexperienced women either, a few had been married before. One woman just wanted sex so I understand this one but the others were just pathetic. One slept I think on the first or second date then kept calling him only to find out he just looks for women online for sex. Very sad situation with her. While romance is nice, I am not someone who refuses to settle and am happier for this because I don't want to end up like these women. Not to mention the consequences of sleeping with men they barely know.

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    Featured Member MissSassyPickles's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    Quote Originally Posted by unbeleavable View Post
    Don't ask, expect.. Always
    You're right! My mistake lol


    Quote Originally Posted by simone87 View Post
    damn, grown women actually believed that? i can see a teenage girl buying into that, but an adult woman?am i just weird, or do a lot of women just want sex too,? i thought that was just a mysoginistic stereotype that women were just clingy and looking for love and easily tricked, but maybe not :/
    I would say that working in a sexually charged atmosphere with more open minded people it changes your perceptions of things. The people that a stripper/camgirl/escort/whoever spend their time with are more likely to be open minded as well so I can see why you say that. The majority of women are not as open with themselves sexually and what they want, nevertheless telling men what they actually want as well.

    Being in the industry in any area makes you see more clearly and understand men much better in that sense.
    Quote Originally Posted by qurl View Post
    You are sassy AND smart Miss Pickles.

    "Well behaved women seldom make history." - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    This is intriguing. In high school and the first couple years of college, I would have guys actually ask me on dates. And call me. Even though I personally am not a fan of talking on the phone, I always appreciated the gesture - it showed genuine interest. Then I noticed that those sorts of things... just weren't happening anymore. Like it was stated, I was getting more "Hey" "What's going on?" texts than real invites to spend time together. And could sometimes go several weeks between when a guy would get my number and when he would bother texting me... like, really? I always ignored them after that, because I felt it was just pathetic. And then I attended a discussion group one night on dating and relationships and how they've changed, and one guy stood up and said that going up to a girl and saying "Hey, Deanna, would you like to go on a date?" sounded weird and stupid. And most of the people in the room agreed. I was blown away - like, up until that point, I was like "Well, duh, that's what's supposed to happen." But I guess that's just not how it it nowadays... and that saddens me.

    I actually had a thing for several years where I would always say yes to someone who actually had the manners and the guts to ask me on a date, even if I wasn't super interested. It's kinda sad that something that seems so trivial was actually such a big thing for me... I have nothing against hooking up, but I don't even know if I could seriously date someone who had just been previously hooking up with. I know a lot of girls hook up with guys, hoping it will lead to something real, and then are disappointed by the old fashioned thinking of not dating the "slutty" girl who was so willing to hook up. But I think, in some ways, I'm exactly the same with guys - if a guy just hooks up with me, expecting it to eventually evolve without having to go through the "dating" process, I think he's crazy.

    I don't know... my introverted self is all about technology and how it makes it easier for me to interact with people even though I'm pretty shy. But in other ways, I mourn the loss of actually having to try to contact someone you truy give a shit about.
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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    ^ In the end it's just about connecting & at what level you do? The path to get there may have changed but the end result is the same.

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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    Quote Originally Posted by unbeleavable View Post
    ^ In the end it's just about connecting & at what level you do? The path to get there may have changed but the end result is the same.
    I see your point, and I'm not as strict on things like that anymore, but a guy who is willing to actually go through the process of asking me on a real date is still a major turn-on. My current bf never asked me on a "real date," though we never got physical until we were officially calling each other bf/gf, and obviously, it hasn't been this brooding issue in our relationship. But every once in awhile, I still think about it and get a little sad at the way the dating game has obviously changed.

    Guess it's just one of those "I accept the present for what it is, but I miss the good ol' days" things lol
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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    To be fair though dating has evolved through the years. Many years ago, like over 100 years ago it was usually as simple as a guy coming to the front porch and sitting there while daddy watches to make sure he doesn't do anything. Then as activities like movies and dining out became common it evolved to that. My mom was a teen in the 1960's and she would tell me stories of dating a while bunch of boys, like on a Friday go to the show and maybe Saturday to a dance with another. They also did group dates. When I was a teen it seemed like more people were seriously dating people and plenty of my classmates were engaged by the end of high school.

    I think what bothers me most about dating now is the expectation that dating=sex. When I was casually dating a few guys last year a few people assumed I was sleeping with them. In reality I wasn't even kissing any of them at all. But because so many times dating means ex they assume this. My mom said that sex wasn't common when she was dating or if it was no one talked about it (we are talking early 60's). She could be exaggerating of course but I don't think so.

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    Veteran Member The Six's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    This is like the advent of music piracy on the internet.

    You had a big group of people who for years, decades, even, had put up with record labels ripping them off with absurd prices for CDs, records, etc. Then all of a sudden you had a way to get all kinds of music for free, with almost no effort. It was like getting even with the big companies. Compare it to centuries of men being expected to jump through a million hoops just to get one date, and it's not surprising that a new method is being embraced. It's basically an even playing field now. The smart guys will know how to play both sides, using media and "hookups" to their advantage, while still knowing how to craft a meaningful relationship.

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    Moderator Optimist's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    Yikes! You sound bitter The Six! Who the heck picks women who put them through a million hoops for a date and then decides to "get even" with other women with no connection to the women said guy picked? You're talking about two different generations of women so why should 40-60 something guys get even with the daughters of the women they couldn't get?? For the 20 and 30 something guys, why would they be bitter and angry and get even through sex with willing partners? IDK about that.
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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    ^ I agree, no need to steal what she is giving to you. This is a great topic..

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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    I have seen what The Six is talking about (women making men jump through hoops)and at least why this is happening is because so many men want the hottest women and when they can't get them for the most part they go for less attractive women only to hurt them. I'm not sure why this happens and I have heard this happens with men too. Just seems cruel and almost like a "I can't have what I think I am worth so fuck the rest".

    Btw, I have no issue with hookups as long as both are on the same page. My only problem is when someone wants a relationship and the other doesn't but pretends they do. This is just so sad.

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    God/dess simone87's Avatar
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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    men are bitter about how mistreated THEY were back in the day? i find that kinda cute

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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    Me too, and how many think they are still mistreated. If anything women have always been the mistreated ones but I don't see women doing a lot of this.

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    Default Re: Hookups Killing the Romance

    Honestly the whole scene is just too strange now. There is a ton of "dating advice" people read that basically amounts to playing chicken with who will call or text first, what to say, what is or isn't being too needy and clingy, what the first date should consist of to not give the wrong idea which counter intuitively is to give the wrong idea... Most of the advice specific to guys is to avoid at all costs being labeled a nice guy, so chivalry is pretty much dead in dating. Really not a surprise that nobody knows what the fuck is going on in the ambiguous world "dating but we don't call it that" anymore lol.

    If I find someone cute I talk to them and see if it goes anywhere. Thankfully I am just old enough to know how to actually have a face to face conversation with girls I am interested in without being drunk. Yeah fear of rejection is very powerful stuff, I think that people have invented a way to try to avoid it by being so indirect that everyone is confused.

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