I'm totally burned out.
I'm so sad today. So so sad. I started dancing and thought I'd found the job of a lifetime. I loved it, loved what I did, and I did OK. I've never been a people person and talking to strangers scares the shit outta me, but I was doing it. I started dancing to support my modelling work. Just some extra cash so that I didn't have to hold a 9-5. A flexible job to fit in around my shoot schedules. Its not perfect for me, but good money doing something you enjoy is always worth it.
And now... I just don't know anymore. I've basically let my modelling go. I feel like I have no future. Like dancing has consumed my life, even though I am so shit at it.
The shocking realisation that I'm simply being carried along by my beautiful friends and co-workers, that this week most of my money has come from girls grabbing me for doubles and from my few regulars made me feel really worthless. Not only am I not making my own money, I am burdening others now. Not that I am asking them to help me out, they are just amazing like that, but every dollar they share with me, is a dollar they could have kept for themselves. My BFF's at work have saved me this week, and I have done nothing to repay their kindnesses.
I can't look at guys when I'm on stage. Just having them look at me makes me feel violated. Guys say "oh my god you're so hot/sexy etc" and I just want to tell them to fuck off. In the last 2 weeks I have kicked a guy, almost in the face, and thrown (literally THROWN) a beer over another for refusing to tip me. In front of a friend of the owners. I've told them to f off, that they are cheap, losers, assholes and idiots. I've been getting grabbed and touched a lot more than usual, and last week I came home, curled up on my boyfriends lap, and cried and cried. I tried to arrange a video shoot to promote the club and it was an epic epic screw up and failure because I didn't set it up right.
I spent a good chunk of tonight sitting and drinking and doing coke with a regular, just to block everything else out. Everyone's asking if I'm OK. I'm not. I really feel like my looks are all I have in the club at the moment, and they're sub-par as is. I haven't been keeping up my nails and tan and pedi and the important stuff.
I have no spark. Nothing interesting to say. No hopes, goals, everyone seems to have study or kids something as a reason to be there, but I have nothing. I am turning into a massive man-hater at work. My house is a mess. I've lost weight, which would normally have me cheering, as I always need to, but I have no idea why, so it's just stressing me. I'm angry and sad and self absorbed and disappointed that I'm like that. My narcissism knows no limit. Just read my posts. Very reflective of a self absorbed idiot with her head up her ass. I know it. And yet I'm still the same.
I hate who I am. I hate that I fail as a dancer. It's so simple to understand what to do and I am getting it so wrong. I hate that I'm a burden on my friends and co-workers and managers.
I'm so sad and I feel so pathetic.



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! I hope they don't take a cut of it
(but knowing that club too well I'm guessing you guys come out with either $20-$25?)!
? It's still a non touching club and touching isn't legal there despite what they tell you so you DO NOT have to comply (of course it goes on everywhere though, but only in VIP/Upstairs at the club usually).


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