I got dumped today. I had been with my boyfriend for almost a year. Insanely enough, we met because he messaged me on a cam site. I know, yes I am an idiot.
I had had my own area blocked, but I took it off to check my placement. He had never bought a show or even spent time in my free chat when he sent me a curious message about how he was interested in camming himself and wanted to ask me about it. He also hinted that he was looking for a female camming partner. There was no way I was ever interested in a camming partner BTW. Why do I want to split my money with someone else? I do fine alone kthanks.
At first, i brushed the message off as just like so many others I get every fucking day.
but it happened to be a slow day and I was bored.. so I did something I never do, and haven't done since. I opened the attachments to see his photos. I wondered what such a guy could look like, and he was jaw-droppingly gorgeous. An insane body and the most beautiful dick I'd ever seen.
I toyed with the idea of responding for a few weeks. I hated the idea of meeting anyone off of a cam site, and in fact I had sworn off dating for a while. Eventually, I agreed to meet up with him so that he could ask me about camming. He was crazy hot, so I thought maybe at the most i'd get a fuck buddy out of the deal. But he seemed so sleazy messaging me like that.
Initially, I had started camming at the suggestion of a boyfriend at the time. After that relationship ended, I became very socially withdrawn, afraid that if I told anyone that I tried to date the truth about camming, that he'd look down on me.
I was also worried that other people wouldn't see the distinction that I myself make between prostitution, or porn, or even stripping, and camming. I had stripped before, and I prefer to cam. One of the reasons I like camming so much more is that I am physically removed from the situation.
Another fear I had was that a guy I dated might get into the idea of dating a cam girl, or think of me as an object, or trophy,
A funny thing happened when I met the guy who messaged me. He was amazing. And because he knew from the get-go what I did for a living, it felt like he really accepted me. I fell in love with him. I gave him my whole heart. Neither of us had been looking for a serious relationship, but we found that we couldn't stand the thought of not being exclusive.
At first, the sex was the best I have ever had. But over time, it deteriorated. It became less and less like making love, and more and more like anger-fucking a whore. Our relationship had a lot of problems, and they are probably all relevant, but I want to discuss the camming issue.
Today, when he broke up with me, he finally confessed that he can't respect me because I cam, and that he sees me as untrustworthy because I cam. He admitted that he does not love me, and I don't know if that has anything to do with camming or not. It is worth mentioning that we live about an hour and a half apart, so part of the trust issue is connected to the distance, but today he told me that even if we lived together (which we had discussed) that he still could not trust me or respect me as long as I am camming.
Hardly any of my friends even know I cam, so when I talk to them about the break-up, I have to leave out this huge important piece. What hurts the most is realizing how little he really thought of me.
The irony of course, is that he is dead wrong. Sadly, I have never been so devoted and loyal, and I never have, nor ever would do anything to warrant being distrusted. I don't have the slightest desire to even flirt with anyone else, with the exception of course of when i am on cam and being paid to do so!
So my fears came true. He couldn't accept me, couldn't trust me. He judged me.
It is throwing my self-esteem for a loop. I keep telling myself:
I deserve to be respected. I deserve to be trusted. I deserve to be loved.
But all of my anxieties have been reaffirmed.
How can a boyfriend or husband be ok with other men seeing us naked, and us doing all kinds of dirty things for money?
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I think they shouldn't be ok with it, I literally want to know how it works when they are ok with it. I have to believe that I can still have a healthy relationship with trust and respect, and that my choice to cam isn't a death sentence for my romantic life. I feel like I know that this is true, but I need to hear it from a few dozen other people, lol.
Is it about his own security and self-esteem? My now ex-boyfriend cited his low self-esteem as being the reason he couldn't accept that I loved him. He said he felt that he didn't deserve to be loved because he didn't love himself. It may be relevant that he is unemployed and lives with his parents. Wow, I am not proud of how this sounds on paper. lol. I could get into all kinds of reasons, and I'd love to talk to a therapist about these things, but I'm sure no one wants to hear every detail of my life. This may not even be appropriate for camming connection? I never know. Stripperweb is the only place I can actually discuss the complications of my secret double life.
I know that some of you ladies have had better luck than I have. What is the difference between men, "boys" I guess, who will not be accepting in the long run, and the men who can get past the fact that they aren't the only ones seeing our tatas and vag-pies?
Is camming harder to accept than , say stripping for example because our customers get off as part of the deal? Or because we see their dicks or watch them masturbate? Is the masturbation itself what makes camming hard to accept? I do not intend by any means to say that stripping or porn or whatever is any 'better" or 'worse" but merely that there are distinctions. So I hope I didn't accidentally offend anyone with my clumsy mascara-stained hammering at my keyboard.
2 more things I think might be pertinent. My ex said that sometimes when we would be having sex, he would be looking at my ass and wondering how many other guys had ejaculated while I shook it for them that day or week, and that it made him start to resent me. He would do things like call me a "dirty whore" during sex partially, in his words, because he thought I wanted it, (which i did not. I had told him I didn't like it and that among other things, kicked off our breakup finale spectacular.) and partially because he felt that I deserved it.
Basically, imagining me getting other men off was so repulsive that it made me less of a person. I was a whore who needed to be punished. For a little while I believe this was all play, but it became clearer and clearer that there was no love beneath it, only contempt.
The other thing he said was that I was "too smart" to be camming. This was not a judgement on the morality of the adult industry but an objection to its short-lived nature and lack of a clear career path. Basically he was concerned about what I will do with myself when I am unable to make a living off of camming. Admittedly, I don't have much of a plan, and I probably should be ashamed of that. Yay! Issues! But hey, all this coming from an unemployed guy, who himself considered camming for money. I never bothered to point out his hypocrisy to him because it doesn't change the fact that he dared to look down on me.





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