
Originally Posted by
CourtneyRaine
Can I give you some tough love coming from someone who was once in a very similar cycle? You need help for your obsession. And it is an obsession, which you have stated yourself. It doesn't make you a bad person or an inferior person but it does make you a sick person and clearly it is impacting your quality of life. You say that you are taking care of yourself but if you are constantly in a state of mental misery that is not taking care of yourself, hun, even if you are doing all the things you need to get by in the physical sense. You say your heart wants what it wants but why in the world would you want this constant heartache and depression? Do you not know that there is so much better than that available to you when you decide that you are ready to accept it?
Background: I once had an affair with a much older man for about a year. We worked together and spent evenings and weekends together as well so there was really no escaping him. I was 21, just graduated college, whole life ahead of me, and he was 48 with a wife and three kids, one of whom was very close to my age. After about a year he started feeling guilty. Not so much because of his wife, but because he knew he was holding me back. By spending so much time and energy with him I would never be able to meet a man who would give me all of the things he thought I deserved, things he couldn't give me because of his situation. I begged and pleaded for him to stay with me but he was insistent that he let me go, telling me one day when I fell in love with someone new I would thank him.
Long story short, I went crazy. Became obsessive. I used to take the subway to his neighborhood late at night and wander around his house hoping to get a glimpse of him in the street or in one of his windows. I would call him constantly, even call his home number and say vague things to his wife to make them upset. When he'd go on smoke breaks at work I'd follow him and beg him to be with me, because I knew he still loved me, but I truly became a psycho bitch. At my low point I scratched the words "cunt" and "whore" in huge letters into his car and even broke into his apartment building. Yeah. I am not proud of any of this, I am just telling it like it is so you know I'm not speaking out my ass when I say I can imagine the level of obsession you are feeling. Several months after we broke up I was laid off from my job due to budget cuts so I never saw him again, but for YEARS I carried that obsession with me. I didn't date much because no one compared to him. I went on a three year dry spell because I didn't want to be intimate with anyone but him. I thought I would never love again. I thought I was doomed to spend the rest of my life pining over this unavailable man. And he actually treated me really good, unlike how you describe the guy you're focused on. He would always take me to lunch and drive to my house to bring me dinner most nights of the week. If he noticed it was cold in my apartment the next day he'd come over with a huge fuzzy blanket. He took care of me when I was sick and puking and didn't have the energy to face the world. He was constantly singing my praises at work and bringing me laughter and joy outside of work. He never raised his hand to me or even his voice. Sometimes on the phone I'd tell him I miss him, within 15 minutes he'd call me back telling me to come outside and there he would be, parked in front of my house, just to give me a kiss before returning home so that I wouldn't miss him so much. I mean he was a real gem and no one compared in my mind.
And then, years later, I got over it, and I cannot believe it but he is right, I am actually better off without him! I actually moved about 2,000 miles away and that distance from everything that reminded me of him really allowed me to make new memories and be open to meeting new people. Since then I have loved and lost and love again, I had my heart broken and I broke some hearts, and the main thing is that on the rare occasion that I do think about that guy (just on his birthday, really) it is with fond memories and it doesn't hold me down. The chapter in my life is OVER. It was nice while it lasted but adios, I have bigger dreams to reach. It sounds to me like your chapter with the guy you're obsessed with is OVER as well. You really have to let it go for your own sanity. I mean, I was nearly suicidal with missing my ex after he broke it off with me. You don't need that kind of baggage and if you think you're taking care of yourself by clinging tight to that baggage you are very mistaken. I really hope you will speak to a therapist about this unhealthy obsession, and check out some information on overcoming codependency. I am sorry if the tough love approach offended you but I think you really needed to hear it from someone who can relate.
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