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Thread: Emptiness & Motivation.

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    Senior Member adarksideoftown's Avatar
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    Default Emptiness & Motivation.

    Hi Girls,

    I apologize in advance for the downtrodden nature of this post. I could simply really use some support at the moment. Some of you may be familiar with me from the few posts I have made, but I haven't really elaborated on some of the issues I face on a regular basis, which also have an impact on my cam work.

    Essentially, even though I have been excelling quite unusually at work lately (it has become unusually feasible for me to accomplish/exceed my daily "goal") I find myself retreating to a familiar sense of emptiness. I've felt it, really, my entire life. I'm not going to create a sob story out of this post, which is most likely what would occur as a result of me recounting the events of my life that I feel have contributed to this feeling.

    Basically, for the greater portion of my young life I have been turning to self-destructive behaviors to distract me from and more-or-less "fill" the sense of emptiness. I particularly recall starting to do this around the ages of 10/11. I will say that many times this feeling of emptiness is synonymous with or at least linked to a great feeling of loneliness. Without delving too deep into my childhood, I was an only child with extremely neglecting parents. I was not attractive, nor was I gifted with many social skills. I could communicate well with adults, mind you, but I couldn't find adults who actually wanted to spend copious amounts of time with me (as opposed to their own children) and so I was left alone almost constantly between the ages of 4 (when my Mother met my now deceased, abusive, substance-abusing stepfather) and 15, when I met a guy whom I became obsessed with.

    I haven't really, despite my greatest efforts, gotten over my obsession with the guy I came across when I was 15. Up until about a month ago, I would think about him almost constantly. I began, however, retreating back to habits of self-destruction that were quite troubling, and additionally quite serious, and so I took somewhat of a "stand" that I would change, and find new ways to succeed and carry myself along the path towards creating a life that I can be happy with. This guy, upon the moment I saw him when I was 15 (and yes, we did have somewhat of a "real life" relationship, except he cheated on me constantly and was often physically abusive) I became convinced he was the epitome of everything that could possibly "fill" the perpetual void within myself.

    Eventually, due to a complete lack of success and stability in my life, I saw a therapist and received a prescription for an ADD (stimulant) medication. Now, I appear to be functioning quite well in the basic aspects of my life. I'm excelling at work and being able to put on a big happy "show" for the customers as opposed to appearing cold and aloof; even adapting a solid "routine" for work, Monday-Friday, 12pm-5pm. However, the emptiness persists. As soon as the medication wears off, I begin to feel terribly empty and underwhelmed and lonely again; like being a child again. I'm even afraid of the feeling, as it is virtually all-consuming and in spite of the MANY countless efforts I have made to make goals and pursue my passions, it persists.

    I still feel like if this "guy" was in my life, I would finally be "happy". Fulfilled. Not empty. But I sense, rationally, as I have for a long time, that that isn't true at all, and even if it were, that is not an option for me. (Due to the cheating/beating; I'm sure he would be more than willing to resume things as they used to be, which I have sworn to myself I will not endeavor despite my wishes to have him in my life.) It's always been this way though - since I was a child, and as a teenager, and now as an adult woman, there's always SOMETHING or SOMEBODY that I become vehemently convinced is the answer to all of my problems/emptiness.

    I've taken the *initiative* to be empowered and not self-destructive and set positive goals that ought to propel me towards motivation and achievement. It just always comes back to this sick, empty, meaningless view of myself/my life. I know how pathetic all of this must sound, I'm almost (if not utterly) embarrassed to post it. I could just really use some guidance/feedback/kindness to perhaps lend me a new, third-party perspective, especially if some of you girls have experienced the same thing(s).

    I'm happy that I'm not destroying myself; I'm not destroying my body, I'm not destroying my mind, I'm trying not to destroy my life, and I'm making healthy and self-sustaining choices. For once in my life, I am actually taking GOOD care of myself. And I'm succeeding at work! I have a few financial goals (I plan on saving a lot this year, getting a few priorities taken care of that I began camming for, and then pursuing what I am passionate about; film. Directing, acting, screenwriting, etc.

    It's just, this emptiness continues. This loneliness continues. I have very strong relationships with my Mother and my very close girlfriend whom I consider my Sister. A lot of men don't interest me because they're not "that one guy". And I don't want to fall back into unbecoming behaviors that quickly add-up and again fall into the category of self-destructive. If I wanted to have casual sex just for thrills, I would feel like there's no problem with it. Even if it could be deemed "promiscuous". But when I have casual sex, I end up having a lot of it (like all other "distractions") and it is purely to try to fill said emptiness. That I know isn't healthy, and that's why I avoid men. (In summary; 1. Most of them don't interest me beyond a casual fling if they're exceptionally attractive. 2. Casual flings don't work for me because I use them for the wrong reasons.)

    My loneliness FEELS like it's all just because I don't have "that guy". But there's always been a "that guy", even when I was 10/11. My estranged biological Father also died a week ago; I'm not sure precisely "how" it has affected me, but I imagine it has. I just feel sort of lost....

    :/
    Last edited by adarksideoftown; 05-07-2013 at 10:07 AM. Reason: Paragraphs.

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    Featured Member JoJoX's Avatar
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    Default Re: Emptiness & Motivation.

    Oh man...is it possible to edit this so it's broken up into paragraphs? My eyes hurt, lol.

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    God/dess CourtneyRaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Emptiness & Motivation.

    Quote Originally Posted by adarksideoftown View Post
    ...and now as an adult woman, there's always SOMETHING or SOMEBODY that I become vehemently convinced is the answer to all of my problems/emptiness...
    You are absolute right! That SOMEBODY is YOU. YOU are the answer to all of your problems and emptiness. And that "something" is the knowledge that you are that somebody- the only somebody- who can make your life whole.

    I can't really comment too much because I am on cam right now but I'll try to reply more in depth when my shift is over, or you can always PM me.

    It sounds like we have a lot in common, especially the parts about feeling you need a man to fill the void, being tempted to go back to your abuser, self harming. I was that way up until about 4.5 months ago, actually. You've got to come to the point as I have for myself where you realize that you are a valuable person, and even if you've never done anything particularly good in your life you've certainly never done anything particularly bad and you don't deserve bad things.

    One thing that helped me was just allowing myself to feel angry over the wrongs that were done to me, wrongs that I did not deserve. Sadness is powerful but anger is even more powerful, and anger is what eventually allows us to take action. Don't be afraid of it. Also, affirmations have worked wonders for me. If you hear or repeat something enough you start to believe it. This is going to sound lame and troll-ish but going on a weeks long Dr. Phil marathon and hearing him drum into his guests' heads that they are worth got me thinking the same about myself. I find myself repeating a lot of those Dr. Philisms, such as, "I'd rather be healthy by myself than sick with someone else." Use any affirmations you want, really. Just use them.

    Setting goals is a nice step but don't just think about the things you want, think about the way you want to feel. The way you really, truly want to feel.

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    Veteran Member qurl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Emptiness & Motivation.

    I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Send hugs and positive thoughts your way! I really suggest going to more therapy (as it sounds like you stopped). From your description is seems like you could have Borderline Personality Disorder. You may want to look it up, but obviously I am not a mental health professional so please don't self diagnose yourself without seeing a professional.




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    Veteran Member EvelynHeartsYou's Avatar
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    Default Re: Emptiness & Motivation.

    Although I don't know your full circumstances, maybe these links might help point you in the right direction with gaining some perspective. I struggle with codependency (and it seems like you have some degree of it, too) and trying to break the cycle, but I've been making a lot of progress now that I'm able to figure out how it started and why, and steps that I can take to try to not fall back into those patterns.

    http://insidetherapy.com/codaloveaddict.html
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depende...ality_disorder
    http://www.ncfliving.org/bk_126_codependency1.php
    http://www.coda.org/

    EDIT: I'll just add my story in here~
    Starting at a young age, I was abused physically and emotionally by my father. My mother was terrified of my father, and so she allowed it to happen because she didn't think she was strong enough to leave and also feared that if she stood up to him, that he would hurt her too. As a child of abuse, I learned certain coping and defense mechanisms... particularly, I learned to be a people pleaser. My 3 year old self thought if I could somehow change my own behavior, even if it wasn't natural for me, then the abuse would stop and my father would love me. And thus the patterns began, to seek approval and validation from other people, particularly men in my personal life. I have found myself altering behavior that I thought a partner wanted, and finding ways to be "needed" by that person so they wouldn't leave me. And up until a few years ago when I started to really realize how detrimental this behavior was, I found myself NEEDING to be in a relationship at all times... the relationship was a validation that at least someone wanted me, and without a relationship I didn't know where to put my time or energy (and would in turn, become depressed.) Once I made this realization a few years ago, things have gotten much better for me, but they are far from over; you can't just change behavioral patterns overnight, and it's a constant effort.
    Last edited by EvelynHeartsYou; 05-06-2013 at 10:00 PM.


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    Default Re: Emptiness & Motivation.

    I know exactly what you mean I was molested by my moms boyfriend when I was 10 years old and found myself terrified of men for years neither one of my parents are in my life my mom is a drug addict. I only call my father who I call by his first name just to talk to my 6 year old brother. I've had a relationship with the same man since I was 16, I'm now 21 just until last year he was the a good man I dont know what happened he started being verbally abusive then that turned to hitting the pulling the whole "I'll never do it again" I finally got tired of it a couple months ago when he threw me to the floor and busted my mouth. I have a broken leg and I'm unable to walk and it was very hard for me to get back up cause he took my crutches away. I will never allow anyone ever again to take my ability to walk or treat me like I'm useless.

    So I moved on I don't have any friends or family just my granny and my siblings that are 15+ younger than me. It bothered me for along time and felt like it was my fault but its not. I know I'm a good person and I'll be my own best friend. What really helps is a method I've been doing since I was 14 I write in a notebook about my feelings at the time and I take a nap even if its a 30 minute one and I feel way better and I get in my whole "I can do anything by myself." I wish you the best of luck you can talk to me if you want sometimes talking to a stranger is better than talking to the person your most close to.

    CourtneyRaine I never go a day without Dr.Phil

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    Default Re: Emptiness & Motivation.

    It made me cry reading all you ladies stories. I send out tons of love and positive vibes your way. None of us deserve to be treated this way, and we are capable of changing. If anyone ever wants support please PM me I am a good listener and am struggling with relationship and family issues myself so it is nice to know that we are not alone.
    Quote Originally Posted by qurl View Post
    You are sassy AND smart Miss Pickles.

    "Well behaved women seldom make history." - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

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    Default Re: Emptiness & Motivation.

    Hi, i refrained myself from posting this morning when i read this thread but whatever, i'll post anyway cause i simply relate a lot to what OP wrote. Beware, my struggles might be hard to read for some people

    I am an adopted child, my biological mom wanted to get rid of me when she was 7 months pregnant but she failed (not sure what exactly she tried) so i was born alive but in bad health condition. My actual mom had 7 miscarriages and decided to not go back home w.o a child again so they took me from hospital where i was abandoned.
    Later on my actual parents had their own kids, 2 boys and i was not needed anymore. Unfortunately for them they could not return me but always treated me w.o affection especially cause i was always sick and causing them a lot of headache. I always felt rejected, neglected, not loved compared with how my brothers were treated but never knew why, when i got bigger i heard rumors about me being adopted and asked them but they denied. I found the truth later on at age of 26.

    My dad was always a nasty man especially when drunk, pretty violent and i seen scenes where my mom was beaten badly, i was afraid of him and hated him, my mom was weak and ignorant, he is still ignorant and nasty when drunk and i still hate him; the way they both treated me damaged my soul for ever i feel.

    Later on when i got in high-school (arts school, drawing and plastic arts, was a huge achievement for me) they decided to leave the city and move to country area and told me they cant keep me in school anymore so i better agree to marry this guy they wanted for me. I refused but they gave me no choice (i was 17), i wanted to finish my school and become "somebody", an artist with a degree.
    They cut my wings, they did not care for me, they were selfish and egoistic, i understood i cant fight them cause i had nobody to protect me.

    I agreed to marry that guy thinking and hoping he will be good to me and i told him i wanna finish school and need his support.
    He was 5 years older than me and from a bad family but acting nice and loving towards me and my parents. It turned out he was an ignorant same like my parents, alcoholic same like my dad but not violent like my dad. Our marriage was not good, i was not happy, he was not caring but egoistic, weak, lazy and pretty stupid i considered. Oh, i have to mention he was my fathers boss (a job he obtained because his slutty mom was fucking important people around in that factory).

    I finished high-school but was not allowed to continue studies, my ex parents complained and washed their sons mind that i need to work and bring money at home, what means to go to school?, now i am a married woman not a student HA! You guys can imagine the people i had around me, on one side my ignorant parents, then my ignorant husband and his family, a real bunch of idiots.

    In between i got sick again, had one of my ovaries taken out and after surgery i wanted to have a child (i wanted to be a mom and w.o an ovary chances to not be able to get pregnant were higher if the other ovary got sick too) so we decided to have a child, i asked him if he feels and wants to become a father, if willing to take this responsability and do everything needed for our family well being especially for our child.

    He said YES, i will do all to offer our family a good safe life and prosperity. Unfortunately he did not know and understand what he was doing and he failed as a father and good husband, where before he was drinking less and less after i gave birth he started to drink more and meet his friends for drinks and did not take care of us properly, when my son was 8 months old i could not take it anymore, me and my son were at home starving to death w.o any money to buy milk for my baby and food for me while my ex was in restaurant drinking and eating well, spending all the money on booze and threats for himself and his friends.

    I asked my parents to help and they offered it, i throw him out of the house (was/is my studio apartment given by my parents as a gift after i gave birth to my son, nice gesture finally) and went for divorce.

    My family understood their huge mistakes towards me and helped with my son, they raised him in country area till i got him back to city when he started school at 7.

    Now, i can tell that due to my messed up childhood and teenager times, also young adult times i came to the age of 38 where i still cant find my way, my path, i am feeling the same way empty, damaged, i am still looking for that special person to complete my life, to make me feel safe, secure, loved, wanted, appreciated, all these feelings a child should be given by his parents.
    I also tried to find in men what i needed but i failed, had a few relationships where i did not get what i needed, i offered everything i had, i am a loving caring person that fully dedicates to her partner and relation, still i did not meet that person to appreciate me at my true value and give in return same feelings and attitude.

    I dont know if that person exists for me, i wish to believe i will find it one day but on the other hand i feel that person cant actually exist cause what i am looking for is in fact, i think, a person(s) to be a better parent(s) for me and this we cant easily find in a partner, its very rare if exists.
    I think from here comes the emptiness, u just cant have as an adult a good parent again, we can only have life partners but they will rarely offer what we need.

    That's how i see and feel it just now, today, reading ur posts ladies has enlighten me, made me understand why i cant really get along with men, i know now i want something that doesent exist, i want the ideal family, the ideal parents i never had.

    Oh well, this will never happen, past it's past, i am an adult myself now with a teenager boy, i do my best to be a good mother and offer my son what he needs plus a good education and i wish for him a good future, to have a career to be proud of and i know i'll sustain him with all i can to get there. His dad died back in 2009 so he has me only to count on.

    I hope my post is of help to people trying to understand things in their lives, is not easy for me to post this and i try to relate things as easy and neutral as possible giving the circumstances.
    By the way, my mom is pretty sick now and guess who is near her helping and protecting? Me. My brothers, their own children dont give a shit about her/them.
    I still have hard feelings towards my parents, i still suffer a lot when my dad creates conflicts even now when he is old, i feel and know they CANT love me but they are now near me when i need them, they love my son a lot, i love my mom as much as i can given the circumstances, i avoid him, i cant stand him and he knows and feels this but he'll never change.
    What can u do in this situation? Do the best u can and live with ur own scars, try ur best to offer ur kids a better life than u had and HOPE, hope one day things will turn out better for you.

    Have Peace wonderful ladies!

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    Senior Member adarksideoftown's Avatar
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    Default Re: Emptiness & Motivation.

    Wow. I wish to genuinely thank everyone who has responded for their responses. I was not expecting such support, nor such openness. I have long realized that my sense of fulfillment will have to come from somewhere within. It is truly comforting and assuring that I am by far, not the only one who struggles to achieve this. A good, and somewhat comedic movie to perhaps watch which certainly does not "solve" but sheds light on my/our experience with emptiness is the movie Young Adult with Charlize Theron. Speaking of Charlize, Monster is probably also a pretty solid example of a lot of those feelings. I cannot express enough, how thankful I am for these responses. Thank you!

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    Default Re: Emptiness & Motivation.

    Quote Originally Posted by ~Carmen~ View Post
    I can see you being 90 and flipping your long hair, still teasing the boys.



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    Default Re: Emptiness & Motivation.

    OP, you can do this alone! I understand how you feel. I've always been extremely confident but I married an emotionally/verbally abusive man and I've noticed myself changing a bit over time. He's put me through a lot of unnecessary bs like substance abuse, neglect, calling me out of my name, spending grocery money to get high, putting holes in our walls and even shoving me and putting his hands on me. I stood up each time and it always seemed to fail. He had me arrested because I beat his ass for putting his hands on me twice now. Just this week he went from zero to eighty in each fight. Asking for forgiveness and then cussing me out when I deny his wanting to stay married to him. And this is a United States soldier who's supposed to protect me and our country who's never touched foreign soil.

    He's been hot and cold our whole 3 year relationship and I've just put up with it for "love". I've finally freed myself from him and he's out of our home but he still is "around" and contacts me though he's not supposed to. The last few nights I've been extremely sad and lonely and not even wanting to get out of bed to work out, eat, clean, hang with friends, or cam. But tomorrow I'm getting back into the groove. I let him go, and had a Hallelujah moment as I found out from my lawyer that the charges I had were dropped! As of now he's holding finances over my head by toying with the thought of refusing to sign a separation agreement. I won't admit it to him, but in my situation I could really use his separation pay for the next year ($800 a month).

    However, I'm going to try my hardest to make it without separation pay. I don't actually need him for shit and that's what you/we have to keep in mind. You don't NEED a man, you need a clear mind so you can take care of yourself. Good luck! Know that someone else will always share your situation and it's very possible to make it without the opposite sex. In due time you will get someone who's good for you.
    Last edited by kortneykay; 05-07-2013 at 07:52 PM.




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  23. #12
    Senior Member adarksideoftown's Avatar
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    Default Re: Emptiness & Motivation.

    Quote Originally Posted by kortneykay View Post
    However, I'm going to try my hardest to make it without separation pay. I don't actually need him for shit and that's what you/we have to keep in mind. You don't NEED a man, you need a clear mind so you can take care of yourself. Good luck! Know that someone else will always share your situation and it's very possible to make it without the opposite sex. In due time you will get someone who's good for you.
    Thank you, Kortney. I appreciate what you (as well as everyone else, and even myself) are saying and genuinely know it to be true. It's just hard. I know you know that. Especially when I end up spending a lot of time with these guys at work (like tonight) and having to pretend to be into them. They just *seem* so glaringly inferior to the guy I'm obsessed with. It's that automatic, unintentional (I actually try very much to the contrary) habit of feeling that every guy is RADICALLY less-than MY 'one and only', that depresses the shit out of me. I become very focused on him especially when work involves extended periods of dancing around/masturbation (in exclusive), etc. I go into my work positive, but upon thinking of him constantly and despite my greatest efforts during a rather extended private, I come out miserable and depressed. That seemingly subtle 'way' about me that guys in public chat, despite their often glaring stupidity and lack of substance, can always immediately detect. Then I end up frustrated that guys aren't taking my miserable, hopeless ass affect underneath a clearly fake, cartoon-esque smile to private. It's a pretty self-perpetuating process. Then, when I stop thinking about him, I feel empty again. Like, I wish I was thinking about him, but that's too painful; DAMNIT, I just wish I had him! I know this thinking is all wrong. "The heart wants what it wants?" I won't let myself go there again, and I haven't let myself do so in a long time. Once again, I *am* taking care of myself and am mostly taking care of business, I just wish I could stop feeling so sad and lonely and empty. Everyone's posts really have helped, though. So has listening to my iPod in one ear (headphone buried/concealed by my hair) while in public chat. Blasting it as loud as possible is my new way of ensuring a less-contrived pleasantness in free chat, as well as likely contributing to premature loss of hearing.

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    Default Re: Emptiness & Motivation.

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    Last edited by tuesdaymarie; 06-01-2013 at 11:09 PM.

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    Default Re: Emptiness & Motivation.

    Why do you have to put a cartoon smile? Why be pleasant?

    Be yourself. Maybe guys will like that. You might get a whole different type of client and then not feel the stress of being phony. I mean, there's only one you right?

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    Senior Member adarksideoftown's Avatar
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    Default Re: Emptiness & Motivation.

    Quote Originally Posted by Babybunny View Post
    Why do you have to put a cartoon smile? Why be pleasant?

    Be yourself. Maybe guys will like that. You might get a whole different type of client and then not feel the stress of being phony. I mean, there's only one you right?
    I put on a cartoon smile because it is a better alternative to coming off as a COMPLETE bitch - which is generally how I actually feel. Even the most sincere of guys don't feel like spending time and top-dollar (I set my rates quite high, but I assume this would be true for any rate) on a girl with a scowl on her face. Currently, 85%+ of my privates per-day are with guys who take copious amounts of time, mainly carrying on conversation with me. I don't do premium chat; only exclusive. My foremost use of the time in that Exclusive chat is engaging on a "human" level. I just prefer to do it while appearing actually interested/intrigued/engaging as opposed to saying "You know, I realize I just said I really like you and that we totally connect, but actually I'd rather be fucking the tetanus out of myself with a rusty nail right now."

    Hence the cartoon smile. ;-)

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    Default Re: Emptiness & Motivation.

    Quote Originally Posted by adarksideoftown View Post
    ... every guy is RADICALLY less-than MY 'one and only', that depresses the shit out of me. I become very focused on him... upon thinking of him constantly and despite my greatest efforts during a rather extended private, I come out miserable and depressed...Then, when I stop thinking about him, I feel empty again. Like, I wish I was thinking about him, but that's too painful; DAMNIT, I just wish I had him! I know this thinking is all wrong. "The heart wants what it wants?" I won't let myself go there again, and I haven't let myself do so in a long time. Once again, I *am* taking care of myself...
    Can I give you some tough love coming from someone who was once in a very similar cycle? You need help for your obsession. And it is an obsession, which you have stated yourself. It doesn't make you a bad person or an inferior person but it does make you a sick person and clearly it is impacting your quality of life. You say that you are taking care of yourself but if you are constantly in a state of mental misery that is not taking care of yourself, hun, even if you are doing all the things you need to get by in the physical sense. You say your heart wants what it wants but why in the world would you want this constant heartache and depression? Do you not know that there is so much better than that available to you when you decide that you are ready to accept it?

    Background: I once had an affair with a much older man for about a year. We worked together and spent evenings and weekends together as well so there was really no escaping him. I was 21, just graduated college, whole life ahead of me, and he was 48 with a wife and three kids, one of whom was very close to my age. After about a year he started feeling guilty. Not so much because of his wife, but because he knew he was holding me back. By spending so much time and energy with him I would never be able to meet a man who would give me all of the things he thought I deserved, things he couldn't give me because of his situation. I begged and pleaded for him to stay with me but he was insistent that he let me go, telling me one day when I fell in love with someone new I would thank him.

    Long story short, I went crazy. Became obsessive. I used to take the subway to his neighborhood late at night and wander around his house hoping to get a glimpse of him in the street or in one of his windows. I would call him constantly, even call his home number and say vague things to his wife to make them upset. When he'd go on smoke breaks at work I'd follow him and beg him to be with me, because I knew he still loved me, but I truly became a psycho bitch. At my low point I scratched the words "cunt" and "whore" in huge letters into his car and even broke into his apartment building. Yeah. I am not proud of any of this, I am just telling it like it is so you know I'm not speaking out my ass when I say I can imagine the level of obsession you are feeling. Several months after we broke up I was laid off from my job due to budget cuts so I never saw him again, but for YEARS I carried that obsession with me. I didn't date much because no one compared to him. I went on a three year dry spell because I didn't want to be intimate with anyone but him. I thought I would never love again. I thought I was doomed to spend the rest of my life pining over this unavailable man. And he actually treated me really good, unlike how you describe the guy you're focused on. He would always take me to lunch and drive to my house to bring me dinner most nights of the week. If he noticed it was cold in my apartment the next day he'd come over with a huge fuzzy blanket. He took care of me when I was sick and puking and didn't have the energy to face the world. He was constantly singing my praises at work and bringing me laughter and joy outside of work. He never raised his hand to me or even his voice. Sometimes on the phone I'd tell him I miss him, within 15 minutes he'd call me back telling me to come outside and there he would be, parked in front of my house, just to give me a kiss before returning home so that I wouldn't miss him so much. I mean he was a real gem and no one compared in my mind.

    And then, years later, I got over it, and I cannot believe it but he is right, I am actually better off without him! I actually moved about 2,000 miles away and that distance from everything that reminded me of him really allowed me to make new memories and be open to meeting new people. Since then I have loved and lost and love again, I had my heart broken and I broke some hearts, and the main thing is that on the rare occasion that I do think about that guy (just on his birthday, really) it is with fond memories and it doesn't hold me down. The chapter in my life is OVER. It was nice while it lasted but adios, I have bigger dreams to reach. It sounds to me like your chapter with the guy you're obsessed with is OVER as well. You really have to let it go for your own sanity. I mean, I was nearly suicidal with missing my ex after he broke it off with me. You don't need that kind of baggage and if you think you're taking care of yourself by clinging tight to that baggage you are very mistaken. I really hope you will speak to a therapist about this unhealthy obsession, and check out some information on overcoming codependency. I am sorry if the tough love approach offended you but I think you really needed to hear it from someone who can relate.

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    Default Re: Emptiness & Motivation.

    Ladies! I have read every single post of yours and thank you so very much for this thread! I respect you all to be this brave and stronghearted! I have my own story and I will share it you! I am alone I have noone to talk to at all in my life but you made me realize now that I ve found a new family here! Where I can share my deepest thoughts with you ladies who eventually understand me! I cannot thank you enough! Your stories and your braveness reminds me of a song from Florence and the Machine! Which Id like to share with you and wish you all the best in life!
    I love you all! <3





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    Quote Originally Posted by CourtneyRaine View Post
    Can I give you some tough love coming from someone who was once in a very similar cycle? You need help for your obsession. And it is an obsession, which you have stated yourself. It doesn't make you a bad person or an inferior person but it does make you a sick person and clearly it is impacting your quality of life. You say that you are taking care of yourself but if you are constantly in a state of mental misery that is not taking care of yourself, hun, even if you are doing all the things you need to get by in the physical sense. You say your heart wants what it wants but why in the world would you want this constant heartache and depression? Do you not know that there is so much better than that available to you when you decide that you are ready to accept it?

    Background: I once had an affair with a much older man for about a year. We worked together and spent evenings and weekends together as well so there was really no escaping him. I was 21, just graduated college, whole life ahead of me, and he was 48 with a wife and three kids, one of whom was very close to my age. After about a year he started feeling guilty. Not so much because of his wife, but because he knew he was holding me back. By spending so much time and energy with him I would never be able to meet a man who would give me all of the things he thought I deserved, things he couldn't give me because of his situation. I begged and pleaded for him to stay with me but he was insistent that he let me go, telling me one day when I fell in love with someone new I would thank him.

    Long story short, I went crazy. Became obsessive. I used to take the subway to his neighborhood late at night and wander around his house hoping to get a glimpse of him in the street or in one of his windows. I would call him constantly, even call his home number and say vague things to his wife to make them upset. When he'd go on smoke breaks at work I'd follow him and beg him to be with me, because I knew he still loved me, but I truly became a psycho bitch. At my low point I scratched the words "cunt" and "whore" in huge letters into his car and even broke into his apartment building. Yeah. I am not proud of any of this, I am just telling it like it is so you know I'm not speaking out my ass when I say I can imagine the level of obsession you are feeling. Several months after we broke up I was laid off from my job due to budget cuts so I never saw him again, but for YEARS I carried that obsession with me. I didn't date much because no one compared to him. I went on a three year dry spell because I didn't want to be intimate with anyone but him. I thought I would never love again. I thought I was doomed to spend the rest of my life pining over this unavailable man. And he actually treated me really good, unlike how you describe the guy you're focused on. He would always take me to lunch and drive to my house to bring me dinner most nights of the week. If he noticed it was cold in my apartment the next day he'd come over with a huge fuzzy blanket. He took care of me when I was sick and puking and didn't have the energy to face the world. He was constantly singing my praises at work and bringing me laughter and joy outside of work. He never raised his hand to me or even his voice. Sometimes on the phone I'd tell him I miss him, within 15 minutes he'd call me back telling me to come outside and there he would be, parked in front of my house, just to give me a kiss before returning home so that I wouldn't miss him so much. I mean he was a real gem and no one compared in my mind.

    And then, years later, I got over it, and I cannot believe it but he is right, I am actually better off without him! I actually moved about 2,000 miles away and that distance from everything that reminded me of him really allowed me to make new memories and be open to meeting new people. Since then I have loved and lost and love again, I had my heart broken and I broke some hearts, and the main thing is that on the rare occasion that I do think about that guy (just on his birthday, really) it is with fond memories and it doesn't hold me down. The chapter in my life is OVER. It was nice while it lasted but adios, I have bigger dreams to reach. It sounds to me like your chapter with the guy you're obsessed with is OVER as well. You really have to let it go for your own sanity. I mean, I was nearly suicidal with missing my ex after he broke it off with me. You don't need that kind of baggage and if you think you're taking care of yourself by clinging tight to that baggage you are very mistaken. I really hope you will speak to a therapist about this unhealthy obsession, and check out some information on overcoming codependency. I am sorry if the tough love approach offended you but I think you really needed to hear it from someone who can relate.
    Thank you, Courtney. That was undoubtedly the most helpful response I have ever received to this issue. Whether on forums, via friends/family, via therapists, etc. You definitely hit the point home. Sometimes tough love is unarguably the best approach. After reading it, I immediately discarded all of the photos I have held onto of his. I would look at them very often. I'm going to make a conscientious effort to avoid thinking about him (I assume that this is a proper thing to do?) and furthermore, seek additional therapy to overcome this. I'm 20 years old as of March, I think it's not too late to get over this and much too early to resign myself to it. There will be some feelings of emptiness and aimlessness and meaninglessness, I'm sure. I am, however, ready to begin taking strides towards overcoming it; rather than just focusing on functioning in spite of it. I have lost a lot to this obsession; I have scars all over my body, I've wasted a lot of valuable time thinking about him, I've chopped off my beautiful, thick hair (that has finally begun to return to its original luster) on more than one occasion. I, too, have been suicidal many times over this. It's definitely time to change. To get over him. It definitely is an obsession. I genuinely appreciate your story, and you for sharing it. Thank you.

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