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Thread: Slow Reaction to Confrontation. Anyone else?

  1. #1
    Veteran Member Billabong's Avatar
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    Default Slow Reaction to Confrontation. Anyone else?

    One thing I hate about myself is when I unexpectedly find myself in the middle of a confrontation the shock of it and the sudden emotions freeze me up and I don't know what to say off the top of my head. My mind just kinda goes blank and numb and though I am offended by the person and want to say things to defend myself, in the moment I can never come up with the right things to say. The person will say their piece and leave. I may stammer a bit, but it's not until they're gone and I settle down a bit do I think of all of the things I should have said.

    I hate this because I hate feeling like I didn't appropriately defend myself and likely came off as a pushover which I am not, and I hate that feeling of when I should have put a wrong person in their place, but didn't get the chance to and now it's too late. So I just keep dwelling on it for awhile and it makes me angrier and angrier and when that happens I start thinking of ways to do something to that person out of spite just to get my "say" so to speak, which isn't good either.

    Anyone else have this issue? I wish I could learn to remedy it and become a quick thinker and eloquent speaker even when things are intense and I'm not expecting to have to say what I need to say.

    Any tips on how to get better at this?

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    Veteran Member Noelle_Noir's Avatar
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    Default Re: Slow Reaction to Confrontation. Anyone else?

    I am the opposite,I am so assertive I most likely come off as a bitch or mean.

    Try too think of what you will say too common insults or being subtlety slighted,before it even happens.
    Hang out with the bitchest person you know,and pick up on some of their traits.In the real world if someone says something too the point you have too verbally spank them,then evaluate if this person is worth even sharing oxygen with.Pick up a book on public speaking and confidence,it would not hurt.I kick myself all the time second guessing myself about what I should of said,so you are not alone.Hugs!

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    Veteran Member BANHammerGoddess's Avatar
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    Default Re: Slow Reaction to Confrontation. Anyone else?

    Everyone ALWAYS comes up with things they felt they should have thought of more quickly to say but didn't--

    your sound more unprepared than most to think on your feet (not a bad thing but I know how I kick myself when I don't think quickly)

    If you're finding yourself in these situations a lot, that in itself needs to be thought through-- why do you keep having these scenarios with people?

    But if it's just one time that's bothering you and you're looking back over your life and noticing sporadic reoccurences of the same thing, I would say do two things:

    1. Come up with a standard line like, "I'm not sure where all this is coming from and I'm not prepared to discuss this with you at this moment." If it's a friend, follow this with, "we can discuss this matter tomorrow/this weekend after we've both had a chance to calm down." Or, if it's someone you don't want to talk to, I would follow it up with, "I don't like how you brought this up out of the blue to attack me with. If you want to discuss it later, fine. If not, fuck off because I don't need the drama."

    Practice those lines (or whatever you come up with) to yourself so you can ALWAYS think of that no matter if your brain otherwise goes blank. Seriously, practice.

    2. If your brain does go blank, and you do want to speak your piece you can always go to them later and say, "You caught me by surprise the other day." After that you can either calmly discuss a resolution, or else you can speak your piece about how you feel they're wrong.

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    Default Re: Slow Reaction to Confrontation. Anyone else?

    I feel like I have the same problem. But I have been trying to think of it less as a "problem." If you've never developed quick reactions to confrontations, I'm going to assume that means you don't find yourself in them very often. So when you do find yourself in them, that probably says way more about the other person than you. Don't take anything personally. It's the other person who is dealing with some internal issue and taking it out on you. If the confrontation is coming from you legitimately screwing up, fighting back isn't the answer - owning up and apologizing is, even if you think it makes you look "weak." It doesn't - it makes you look like a mature adult.

    But when it comes to others lashing out at you for no reason, that's on them, not you. And in a situation like that, what good is sniping back really going to do? All it does is escalate the situation and breed more negativity all around. As humans, we have this constant fundamental desire to be right and have the last word, which is why you get so mad at yourself when you don't manage to do that. But at the end of it all, what was the final outcome? Were things resolved? If not, you can re-visit the conversation at a later date in a more clear-headed way, which is the better solution anyway. And what would have truthfully been the resolution if you had fought back? Probably not anything pretty. In fact, the few times I have just burst out with the shitty things I was thinking during a confrontation, I always regretted it later, because I knew it wasn't mature and all it did was make things worse and make it harder to repair things later.

    You say you think people come to think of you as a push-over. If someone thinks that just because you didn't respond shittily to their shittiness, that's probably not a person you should have in your life anyway. You can "stand up for yourself" by just refusing to engage with them again or keep them in your life. If it's a good friend, there's no reason why you can't re-open the topic later and explain your case logically and calmly, and by that point, they should be calmer too and things can actually get resolved.

    I feel like society promotes this idea that there's some sort of glory in being a quick-witted, sharp-tongued "bitch" when someone attacks you verbally. But really, there's so much more maturity and actual conflict-resolution embedded in being able to hold your tongue, walk away, think clearly, and resolve things later when both parties are calmer. The goal of confrontation should be resolving the issue as cleanly as possible, not competing over who can come across as the most BAMF with their verbal wittiness. My life is honestly so much less dramatic when I have the "problem" of not coming up with an immediate retort to unexpected shittiness, than when I get enraged and start fighting back right then and there.

    Who needs dramaz shit? As long as you know that you were the bigger person and you can get things resolved eventually, that's all that matters - not what other out-of-control people may think of you because they perceive you as being a "weak pushover" when you don't engage with their ridiculousness.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.






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    Default Re: Slow Reaction to Confrontation. Anyone else?

    Don't worry about it. Stay silent, because in these crazy times we live in, just saying anything could make someone go ballistic on you, and confront you physically.
    Don't make eye contact, that's rule number 1, and walk away quickly.
    we are living in a slash and dash society. it's not the good old 1940's or 50's, where manners were the norm, and society was much more civil.. Plus the fact that people record EVERYTHING from their mobile devices!!
    Stay classy.

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    Default Re: Slow Reaction to Confrontation. Anyone else?

    Quote Originally Posted by Glamourmilf View Post
    Don't worry about it. Stay silent, because in these crazy times we live in, just saying anything could make someone go ballistic on you, and confront you physically.
    Don't make eye contact, that's rule number 1, and walk away quickly.
    we are living in a slash and dash society. it's not the good old 1940's or 50's, where manners were the norm, and society was much more civil.. Plus the fact that people record EVERYTHING from their mobile devices!!
    Stay classy.
    ^This is the truth.

    However I may one day get murked because road rage always gets the best of me.
    I wont back down from a fight/confrontation and so far I have been lucky but if I keep going at this rate...either I end up in prison or dead.

    So far 5 wins, 2 losses, 1 draw.

    It really is best to let things go as mentioned. People these days are so quick to shoot/stab/etc.

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    Veteran Member Billabong's Avatar
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    Default Re: Slow Reaction to Confrontation. Anyone else?

    Quote Originally Posted by BANHammerGoddess View Post
    Everyone ALWAYS comes up with things they felt they should have thought of more quickly to say but didn't--

    your sound more unprepared than most to think on your feet (not a bad thing but I know how I kick myself when I don't think quickly)

    If you're finding yourself in these situations a lot, that in itself needs to be thought through-- why do you keep having these scenarios with people?

    But if it's just one time that's bothering you and you're looking back over your life and noticing sporadic reoccurences of the same thing, I would say do two things:

    1. Come up with a standard line like, "I'm not sure where all this is coming from and I'm not prepared to discuss this with you at this moment." If it's a friend, follow this with, "we can discuss this matter tomorrow/this weekend after we've both had a chance to calm down." Or, if it's someone you don't want to talk to, I would follow it up with, "I don't like how you brought this up out of the blue to attack me with. If you want to discuss it later, fine. If not, fuck off because I don't need the drama."

    Practice those lines (or whatever you come up with) to yourself so you can ALWAYS think of that no matter if your brain otherwise goes blank. Seriously, practice.

    2. If your brain does go blank, and you do want to speak your piece you can always go to them later and say, "You caught me by surprise the other day." After that you can either calmly discuss a resolution, or else you can speak your piece about how you feel they're wrong.
    It's not that it happens all of the time, but it happens more than I would like.

    For instance, what brought this thread on was that my apartment manager called me a few days ago to complain about a repair and he was so rude and condescending. I wasn't expecting it and I feel like I should've said more to defend myself and let him know he couldn't speak to me the way he did. A simple "I'm not a child, please don't speak to me the way you are" would have sufficed, but I didn't even think to say that because I was just so taken aback. I was just like "Uhhh .. whatever" and after he hung up I was like "Ok where the fuck did he get off speaking to me like that? And why did I let him get away with it" And By the time I calmed down and thought of what I wanted to say it was too late to bring it up again I felt.

    It's weird because I can be bitchy and quick witted as I often am when I work. But I feel like when I'm not working and I'm "out of character" I often am speechless when faced with assholes.

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    Veteran Member Billabong's Avatar
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    Default Re: Slow Reaction to Confrontation. Anyone else?

    Thank you so much for the advice everyone! you've helped me feel alot better

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    Default Re: Slow Reaction to Confrontation. Anyone else?

    The manager of my apartment building is a condescending bitch too. Just... every time she speaks, she sounds like she thinks she's talking to an idiot. And yeah, it's maddening.

    But you know what? That's how she talks to everyone. It's not just me - it's not personal. It's her issue that she's... a condescending bitch. And that's not my problem. So I just roll my eyes when I have to interact with her and be on my way. In the grand scheme of things, she doesn't matter to my life enough to get upset about it. The less you take things personally and as though "he thinks he can talk to me that way," and see it more as "he's just an unhappy asshole who talks to everyone that way," the less it will bother you. Especially people like that, who aren't even in your personal circle of acquaintances, aren't worth getting upset over or putting yourself down because you're beating yourself up over how you handled it.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.






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    Default Re: Slow Reaction to Confrontation. Anyone else?

    Never underestimate the power of silence and a "fuck you" smile, followed by a "So... you done?" when they've finished their bitch-fest. Honestly, most people are really bad at confrontation. My MO is to allow the person to make an idiot of out himself by rambling and building up steam; something stupid is inevitably said. When it's finally my turn to speak, I'm relatively calm and have had time to think of something succinct and devastatingly bitchy. Brevity and aloofness is key.

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