...Or perhaps stress in general?
Every morning when I wake up next to my boyfriend, knowing that at some point during the day I have to cam, I become a total nightmare.
I ask him to please (except I don't say please) leave our bedroom so I can have some "alone" time and pull myself together.
This morning after doing my skin routine I came out to grab some peaches from the refrigerator, and he was simply lying there on the couch and was sort of quiet in how he responded to me, and I completely lost it. "Why are you trying to sabotage me by bringing my mood down?!!?!" Bear in mind, I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, so this kind of hyper-sensitivity to subtle things like perceived intentions and assuming that a blank facial affect means someone hates me, is not entirely uncommon on my part.
I have no doubt that I am an extreme example, but does anyone else get more pissy than they may otherwise be when camming looms on the immediate horizon? I think partially, I get this way because I have the stress of making ends meet, and know that I can't be a complete bitch in public chat or no one will take me exclusive, so every ounce of effort to be socially non-reprehensible is allotted towards the time I am at work. That's why sometimes I think I would work better if I were single, but then there's that pesky, nagging inability to be all by myself.
For example, he just asked if I needed my bed made (for work, he knows I get more stressed out if the bed is messy and the already-uncomfortable position I am in for maximizing the lighting/backdrop in the room becomes more uncomfortable as a result) and it really pissed me off. I shook my head no, but my inclination (though, at least this time, I will resist - ah, the power of writing down one's thoughts/feelings) is to storm out of the room when I'm done posting this and scream at him that he didn't wait there at the door for me to finish and then make the bed. Even when he's trying to be HELPFUL it pisses me off - and I'm normally a flighty, easily-triggered bitch, but not THAT bad.
I guess I try to start off every single day with the best possible intentions. And then when little things "subtract" from the positive mood I've fought tooth-and-nail to erect, I start to lose my footing very rapidly. It was the same when I was younger and in school; I was socially anxious due to being incessantly bullied, I couldn't concentrate, and I was generally disinterested, so my Mother suffered the brunt of it - in horrendous proportions.
Can anyone relate?![]()



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