
Originally Posted by
Incantatious
Some back-story / what's been going on with me lately. This is kinda difficult for me to type being as I've forgotten a lot of SW etiquette and I've no idea how people will respond to this. All's I know is that I just need some support right now, so all I ask is that you go gentle with me.
I haven't cammed in over a month because I struck gold with a client who pays my bills, rent, luxuries, and then some. Sometimes I tell him I might be camming that night, but if he wants to throw down my daily target for me, I'd be happy to throw a couple custom vids his way. He also throws hundreds at "just because" (we also have a very "I'm Goddess. You, slave" relationship). He also sends GC's galore. It's been this way with him for a few months total now, and it's become so that I prefer just dedicating my whole working time to him because he alone pays more than enough. This all might seem like I'm bragging, but this has resulted in me feeling insanely disenchanted towards camming (a job I loved).
I tried camming tonight and ended up just logging off within 5 mins because someone said "sound" because I was typing to them rather than speaking, and I just straight away was like "omg... fuck that" and logged off.. angry with myself. My tolerance for the 'daily camming grind' has gone so downhill and I kind of hate myself for becoming like this. Not to mention of course my SM placement has gone down considerably because I haven't been on for so long.
I realize that this custie is not going to be forever: Any moment now he could simply turn away from me, his wife freak out at me, he freak out at me, or just simply stop contacting with me. I get that totally. However, it's come to the point where it's difficult to go back to how it used to be, especially when he treats me very professionally, knows this is my job, and I enjoy making customs and stuff for him so much. Regs - even ones like this - should NEVER be thought of as permanent. I fear that in the long-term, this may have ruined my camming career because I feel like going from making 5 min vids of me dancing around for $100 or something, to fucking myself for what I used to get is screwing me and my work up so, so badly. I have no idea how this is coming across, and I really worry that it just seems like I'm complaining for nothing, or I'm being stupid, or I'm stupid for letting it become this way.. I never meant for this to happen and for my work to slip like this. I just feel like I can't cam anymore. It's like I want to, but I really don't want to at the same time.
Has anyone else been in a similar position as this? If so, did you get back to "normal" camming? Did you take an alternative route like clip making? I kinda feel more hopeful about working C4S as my main source of income right now, but again, I'm scared, because this will be a huge change for me and feel like I'm taking a risk. Aggg I feel so dumb. Any help or support is massively appreciated.
{ETA} - Oh I guess, if nothing else for some... this is a chance for me to demonstrate that relying on one reg - seriously, no matter *how* highly-paying he is - is a bad, bad idea..
Bookmarks