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Thread: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

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    Featured Member Holly_xoxo's Avatar
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    Default Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    My last serious relationship ended when my boyfriend of 3 years cheated on me and since then it seems every guy I date, I get attached to, fast! I know it's normal when you first meet someone to want to spend alot of time with them (the whole honeymoon period) but I find that I'm being a bit too extreme with it.

    I've been seeing someone for about a month now and if a day goes by where he doesn't contact me as often as I want, I get insecure. Suddenly I start thinking he's not interested anymore, doesn't want to see me. We do talk daily in one form or another but I find I get a certain level of anxiety if he isn't acting enthusiastic about me and sometimes that will even put me in a bad mood.

    I'll schedule things like work (camming) around his schedule (he doesn't ask me to do this or even knows that I do) because I want time to spend with him and I almost expect the same from him. Yesterday, after he got off work, he went for a walk to take some night time pictures. On one hand I was happy for him to do something fun but on the other, my nose was a bit out of joint because that time could have been spent talking with me.

    BTW, he lives a bit out of my town so we don't see each other alot and the other forms of communication are text, FB and skype.

    I don't start dating someone and envisioning our wedding or moving in together or think of him as "the one" but I'm finding that if I don't have constant reassurance that he likes me, I start to feel really uneasy.

    I wasn't like this before the ex cheated on me so I'm sure the behavior is related to that but I don't know how to stop it. The guy isn't aware that I feel this way (luckily I hide it well) but I don't like the feeling and it would be nice for it to go away. I hate feeling like some insecure, clingy person.

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    Banned Aniela's Avatar
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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    Idk how long it's been since you got rid of the cheating ex, but it sounds like it hasn't been long enough for you to really get a jump on the healing process. From the first line of your post the impression I got was that there have been several rebound type relationships since then, including this one.

    I would suggest taking sm time for yourself b4 looking for another serious relationship. You need time to not just get over the cheating ex (tho not saying that you haven't), but to get past the emotional fallout of his actions, i.e. this intense insecurity you're experiencing in your following relationships. You need to learn to become secure in yourself again. Clinginess in a partner isn't attractive on either side, & IME, even when the clingy person thinks they are hiding their insecurity well, the other person always picks up on it.

    I've been cheated on b4 too, & I know how hard it can be to heal from. Start telling yourself, when the insecurity hits (whether it's abt your looks, or your appeal to your current bf, or whatever): 'My sense of self doesn't have to crumble b/c of the actions of my ex, who cheated b/c he had all the emotional maturity if an eggplant.'

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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    Oh god. I hate to admit it, but I am the same way. It really sucks when you realize it too, but at least it didn't take you three years like it did me. I think it's because you are centering your happiness on this person, and I imagine it does have a whole lot to do with being cheated on. You had a seemingly stable three-year relationship, and that footing was ripped out from under you. It's normal to be a little emotionally unsure/different from before. I think it's really important for you to do things on your own right now. Some might say to not date at all, but I think if you just make an effort to put yourself before this budding relationship, you will see a difference. Instead of scheduling work around his schedule, just do it when you'd normally do it. Make a date with him, but spend the rest of your time on hobbies you enjoy by yourself. Don't have any? Find some. I just enjoy getting a coffee and window shopping alone sometimes. The bigger your world is, the less of a major figure someone you're casually dating becomes. Make it so that other people have to earn their places with you.

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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    Quote Originally Posted by tuesdaymarie View Post
    Make it so that other people have to earn their places with you.
    I think our adult relationships could be greatly simplified if this little nugget of truth was hammered into us from an early age instead of the one-dimensional 'you can't be fully happy w/o a relationship, period' bs.

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    Featured Member Holly_xoxo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    You ladies have made some really, really good points! I probably am coming off a bit clingy even though I think I'm hiding it and people should earn their place with me.
    My break up was a year ago and I didn't see it coming. He said he loved me before he walked out the door that night and cheated so I guess I'm a bit over sensitive and just don't want to be disappointed in someone like that again.

    Also, I miss that companionship when you have a good relationship. It gets a little lonely after awhile when you don't have it so I get all excited when someone new comes along.

    I'm going to take your advice and try out your tips. I'm glad I noticed this quickly so I can nip it in the bud...Lol

    BTW...love the comment about my ex having the maturity of an eggplant. I really did laugh out loud

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    Banned Aniela's Avatar
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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    ^^^^ That's my go-to descriptive word: comparing ppl negatively to eggplants. Glad you liked the visual.

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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    I just finished reading a book called "Women who love to much", Vamp suggested it and it was fantastic. Even if you don't relate to the accounts in the story the message is full of 'ah ha' moments (it was for me).

    I gave all my time to men/relationships. I wasn't interested in hobbies etc because I fed my self worth on whether I felt the relationship was going as I expected it too. I sometimes slip back into this behaviour however having experienced the difference of a life 'lived' vs centred on men.... well, just try reading the book
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    Omg, u ladies don't know how bad I needed to hear this, thank u a million times!!!!

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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    I grew up without a father figure and the one 'man' who i considered dad was a great daddy until i turned 5 and he and my mom started having kids. Long story short he turned out to be an abuser. Last time he beat my mother they thought he fractured her scull. I could go on and on about the abuse i endured from age 5-19 or how many times i considered suicide or how the streets have been better to me than any family entity but money is my drug! So in a nutshell, I'm guessing that's why I get attached so easily to random men. Guess we all just want to be loved huh? I'm sticking to Benjamin Franklin and his homies from now on.
    Last edited by bbwchristyminx; 11-30-2013 at 07:33 PM.

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    God/dess Selina M's Avatar
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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    Been there, girlie! It sucks!

    The one boyfriend pretty much emotionally destroyed me. I'd been bullied all my life by backstabbing "popular" friends, so I definitely measured my worth based on what others thought, which only helped him.
    So this piece of work, before we were even dating, would show up for a few weeks, promise a bunch of shit, then vanish. When we were dating, he would go days without contacting me and was usually doing drugs. He gave me the "This isn't working" line numerous times, only to date some crackwhore or another, and then dump her and come running back to me. It was absolute insanity and went on for a few years :facepalm:

    I developed "rejection anxiety" because of his sketchiness. Anybody I tried to date, I got super anxious if they didn't text me back immediately, if they only sent me "Lol", if they didn't contact me for several days... anything I could skew as negative and freak out about... because my conditioned response was "Omfg he's gonna dump me". It ended up leading to a complete mental breakdown. It sounds really similar to what's going on with you :/

    You can definitely get over it but it takes some work. When dating, I find latching onto a positive instead works - that he held your hand in public of his own accord, stuff like that, and logic it out "If he wasn't into me he wouldn't do that." Remember that you have this problem (though it's not your fault!) and that it's not a normal behavior for people to become so attached to the point of clingy so fast, so him not behaving the same as you doesn't mean he doesn't like you.

    You should take some time to be alone though. Jumping from guy to guy only exacerbates the issues... You also need to more cleanly define yourself too. I really like the quote "You are what you love, not who loves you."
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

    "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    I agree ^ here , I'm going thru similar issues since being single for the last 3 months. I've had a 72 hour one night stand since & I had fun but got sad when he went back to his gf LOL (don't ask) I was just having a blast with him & the sex & attention he gave me & once it ended I became depressed. I keep looking for something to distract me from my depression break up but not having much luck :/ I'm learning that it will take some time to heal myself & maybe the same for you, good luck!
    "Alot of people are afraid to say what they want, that's why they don't get what they want"~ Madonna




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    Featured Member Holly_xoxo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    I'm glad to see I'm not alone with this, although I'm sorry you ladies have had to deal with such crap. The guy I originally made this post about is no longer in the picture. He went from being all enthusiastic about me to hardly contacting and I just figured that was enough. I don't like the hot and cold thing that some people do. Always makes you feel like you're in limbo.

    There is someone else I'm getting to know now but I'm taking it really slow and getting to know him as a person.

    I like Selina's quote "You are what you love, not who loves you"

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    God/dess xxxGothBarbie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    yea that hot & cold shit is for the birds lol . That's how my last bf was despite the fact he was an opiate pill addict didn't help much either. I'm gonna try to stay single until I feel the next guy is worthy enough for my emotional investment. Us ladies deserve so much more than what most of us have gone thru.
    "Alot of people are afraid to say what they want, that's why they don't get what they want"~ Madonna




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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    Quote Originally Posted by Holly_xoxo View Post
    He went from being all enthusiastic about me to hardly contacting and I just figured that was enough.
    Funnily enough, sometimes our paranoia turns out to be accurate like that, huh? Then it makes you always think it's accurate!
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

    "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    my problem is the whole "what if" that keeps my anxiety wheel going ..... sometimes it's for the best others not so much
    "Alot of people are afraid to say what they want, that's why they don't get what they want"~ Madonna




    "Respect is a dying art"

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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    "I'm sticking to my Benjamin Franklin and his homies from now on" ---I love it!!! Thanks for this comment I literally was rofl!... Time to meet my homies
    pink lemonaid

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    Featured Member Holly_xoxo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    I decided to stop talking with the new guy that I was getting to know. I'm not in the mood for men...unless they're paying for a cam show Lol...I think I'm going to stay single for awhile and just focus on getting my life where I want. Men are too much of a distraction for me

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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    I can relate to you.
    After i broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years i started to act clingy too.
    I always want them to talk to me almost everyday and if they don't i start to panic and think they don't like me anymore.
    Even if they are busy or tired i want them to talk to me and see me. (-___-)

    and i know most guys don't like needy girls .

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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    It ain't just for you ladies, and it ain't just for the less experienced. At my age, I usually give the advice - but man, when you're in the middle of it, it can be hard to remember. Even after everything I've lived and learned, I still find myself falling into this pattern sometimes. Frankly, my emotional dependency ruined our last relationship, with a girl that was a keeper if ever there was one.

    It's good that you recognized it for what it was - denial is a stage some people stay in for YEARS. You've already taken the first goo steps. You'll be fine. :-)

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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    I totally understand how you feel. I can get like this sometimes in relationship (or I can go the other way) and part of it is that I don't know how to date-- like, just date. Most of the guys I have dated I jumped into a relationship crazy fast with, and I don't tend to date more than one person, so I'm used to things getting intense really quickly.

    I find I'm much more blasé about guys when I have a lot going on in my life. Not that I'm super busy, but that I have something meaningful that fulfills me as a person other than the guy. If my life just feels sort of empty then I become very dependent and clingy, or if I'm really struggling with something I will become that way. You can't look for a relationship to fill a hole inside you you have to do it yourself.

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    Default Re: Why do I get so attached so quickly....

    Relevant to me again bump
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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