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Thread: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

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    Dizzy Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    Needless to say, I have had my share of crap luck in the dating department. But, I have noticed a bit of a trend since I became a dancer and began dating. I have always made it a rule never to go on a date with a guy I met in the club, unless it was for business purposes. This includes club staff, because I don't want a bunch of drama to pop off due to being involved with a coworker. Now, the few guys I have attempted to date since starting my dance career have all either had issues with me dancing or figured I would be a total sex maniac and I would have no problem bringing home my coworkers for "us". Yeah, RIGHT! None of these romances ever panned out. The only relationship I had that was close to normalcy was with my last club's nerdy DJ. He wasn't cocky like the rest of the DJs, and he hadn't even slept with anyone from work. We had known each other six months, and he knew that I was strictly dancing and not selling "extras", just as I knew he was completely uninterested in the other dancers who relentlessly threw themselves at him, so we had a very healthy level of trust. We kept our relationship a secret, and completely separate from our jobs. The problems only began when I went to work for another club and he was fired from his. The relationship fell apart. I've been single for months now, and only went on one date (with a pretty well-known actor) since. And of course, the charming actor pulled a nail & bail on me. Which I had pretty much prepared myself for before we ever even went out. Ah, the joys of love... I just feel like there is no one out there for me. I do love myself, and I do value myself. That's why I won't just settle for anyone. But I'm tired of being lonely. I want to meet a decent guy, even if it just stays a friendship... People tell me to be positive, to change my hangouts, but no matter what, I remain a walking sh*t-magnet. The only men with any interest in me are two EX-boyfriends, and a few random crude customers. I want nothing to do with any of that. I guess I was just wondering if anyone out there has gone through similar difficulties trying do date while working in the Adult Industry? What did you do? How did it end?

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    Veteran Member Jasmine.Doll's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    Strip club DJs, famous actors.... Those guys are not boyfriend material, generally... Neither are ex-boyfriends or customers. You just need to get into a different enviorment to meet some men. Take a class, hang out with some non-industry friends and meet their friends, go somewhere where you can meet people as yourself, not your stripper persona. I don't tell people that I dance, right away. I make sure that they get to know me, not "Peaches." (No, Peaches is not my real stripper name, but you get the idea...) I do tell people eventually. Stripping is nothing to be ashamed of, but I want them to see me as a person, before I complicate things with the stripper component. I'm know there are tons of men out there besides customers and ex's who'd love to meet you! You just need to go to where they are... I know you said you've changed your hangouts and it hasn't worked yet. But keep it up! It will eventually. And try to examine yourself and figure out the kind of guy you really want. You knew the actor guy wasn't going to work out, but you still went for it. Maybe you don't know what you want. I think it's important to know what you are looking for. Otherwise how will you recognize it, when you find it?

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    I dont think there i hope for a healthy relationship while dancing in general. I hear stories of it working for some but in general it comes with all the things you listed plus guys tend to think thinks like getting lap dances and naked fun with other chicks isnt cheating cuz after all you do it for a living but in my book its cheating. I dont even want a guy to know I dance when I start something new because of all the extras it will bring. Also, some guys may think you make so much money so they wont have to help you or you could pay your own way but eff that, I want a man to do what he is supposed to regardless of the money I make so for me personally no theres no hope but for other girls out there these things dont bother them and they are happy with it so to each her own!

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    ^^ I totally see your point. And yeah, I think there are probably way more dysfunctional relationships in our industry than there are healthy ones. But, I have quite a few stripper friends who are happily married and have been for years. A lot of them have kids... And I have stripper friends who have totally adorable, sweet, committed boyfriends who they've been with for what seems like forever. So it is possible! It does take a special kind of man who understand that stripping is just a job and all the intimate acts are silly charades. It requires a great deal of trust and I think that takes a long time to develop.

    And maybe I should shut up b/c I'm not in a relationship and haven't been in one for quite awhile. But, I have seen relationships with strippers and sex workers work.

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    there is hope, because i have a healthy relationship and been dancing for awhile..met my bf two years ago, thinking about getting married and getting a house..you need a guy who is open minded and understanding, isn't your typical insecure, red-blooded possessive asshole, or a con man who just wants your money. its hard to find, but then isn't any good man hard to find for any woman??

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    I've had three long term relationships since I started dancing in 2007.

    The first was a total mess. Emotionally abusive guy who swore up and down that he accepted my job only to go back on his word and ask me to quit. I don't blame dancing because someone with this personality type will use anything they can against you.

    The second was a regular of mine. I was shocked that I was attracted to someone I'd met at work and waited six months before dating him. The relationship moved very fast and lasted for two years. Dancing wasn't the reason we broke up. I do think it harmed the relationship in two relatively minor ways, though. First, he didn't understand that I was just being myself when I lounged around the house in sweats and went out in jeans. He thought I'd stopped putting in effort because I cared less about him. He also acted bewildered, hurt, and sometimes threatened when I would debate with him. I think this is because I mostly kissed his ass in the club for six months. He understood on a rational level that he was in a relationship with me and not my stripper persona, but it never really clicked for him and I don't know if I can entirely blame him. People are hardwired to believe flattery is genuine. That's my caution against dating a customer.

    The third one is my current of a year and a half. We met when we were kids at summer camp and stayed internet friends for 10 years so I knew he never thought my job was a big deal (we've talked about it from day 1). We're both swingers in theory and he is extremely openminded which is huge in our success. You don't have to find a guy who's a swinger for him not to be possessive, though. Just go for the most liberal and openminded men you can find. Good critical thinkers are important too because they're more likely to evaluate things for themselves rather than rely on stereotypes. It may also be worth considering pursuing closer relationships with men who knew you before you started dancing if they're attractive and single. They will be less likely to be blinded by your job since you're already a normal human to them.

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    From what my friends say, it's hard to find a decent man, stripper or not. I've been with my boyfriend for just over two years, and I would say we have a very healthy relationship. I think what we really have in our favor is that we both knew what we wanted going into our relationship. We met when we were 21, and a lot of people are interested in just sleeping around and partying at that age... or even at our current age, and probably for years to come. I agree with Jasmine that you should definitely figure out what you're looking for first.

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    I guess I'm lucky. I met mine when he was a customer. I took his virginity and we've been together ever since. He's younger than me and pretty open minded. (He also likes the fact that on Xbox Live he is a god among mortals)
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    I think healthy relationships are possible while in this industry but I have yet to experience one...I dont think my bad luck is related to my job though, I am pretty sure I just have a bad taste in men

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    Quote Originally Posted by cairalis View Post
    I am pretty sure I just have a bad taste in men
    Werd, hahaha!

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    Quote Originally Posted by tempest666 View Post
    (He also likes the fact that on Xbox Live he is a god among mortals)
    I love it! I can only dream!

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    I'm not one to make excuses for myself, and I appreciate your honesty! The actor... I went through with it because I wanted something for myself. I'm constantly giving, giving, GIVING to these mooks and I wanted something that I would remember forever. I miscalculated his charm, and in my loneliness bought into the fantasy he wove oh so well. That's not his fault. I lost perspective, and now I'm left licking my wounds. I need to take it as a lesson learned. As for what I want... I guess I want someone to love me for who I am enough to accept all of me, including my faults. But, I guess something so simple is a lot to ask for.
    My huge problem? I DESPISE clubs and bars when I'm off. I don't drink. So that limits my field just a little. I am open to suggestions, ladies!

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    ^^Clubs and bars are not where you find the good ones, generally, anyway. Take a photography class, join a rock climbing group, cruise for dudes at the grocery store... Clubs, whether they are strip clubs or not, aren't the best places to find boyfriends. They are better places for finding one night stands and gonorreha.

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    ^Word. Find opportunities for meeting men in mutual interest situations. Bars and clubs have guys approaching you because they think you're hot. It's not like they can look at your drink and know that you're both into Russian literature (unless you demand Stoli and toast to War and Peace or something maybe). It seems like it would be better to start a relationship in a cooking class or a film meetup group or something. Also, if I were single, I would totally check out online dating. Yes, a lot of people are there just looking for hookups, but you can tell a lot about people by what they write about themselves, or how they write it even.

    Re: figuring out what you want, are you looking to date a lot of people, to date exclusively, to find the future Mr. itzi bitzi mitzi? And what do you really like and want in a relationship? I'm a homebody, but maybe you're looking for someone more adventurous?

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    Ugh I can relate to this! I recently while traveling met up with a guy I liked when I was 14. We hooked up at 16 then he was a total douche & I never heard from him again & I forgot about him. Fast forward to now he & I reunited last week & I gave him my number telling him I was only in town a short while & we could "hang out". He told me he had a gf but I didnt care, I know that's horrible but i don't care anymore at this point. Anyhoo so we had a great 3 nights together & then boom last night I get a text saying how he had fun with me but he felt guilty about everything blah blah bullshit & what made me mad is the fact that he was trying really hard to play me & he knew I wasn't falling for his "game of manipulation" so he's gone for now but I will sleep with him again as he was an amazing ego boost lol. Needless to say I told him I had danced on & off for several years while maintaining a reg job & he said that it turned him off a little. I didn't care bc I only wanted to fuck him a few times & then leave town. He was falling for me though I could tell bc the things he would say & that was nothing like him when we were kids, even though he was a "player" then . I guess he had a hard time believing that I had my guard up & that I could be intimate & not feel anything after. I never replied to his "goodbye for now" text either lol... He'll be back LMAO
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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    It is possible to find them. I met mine outside of the club environment, because we had a mutual interest in World of Warcraft. 5 years and 2 kids later, we're still living together and considering marriage. A few girls I have worked with found their current husbands in the club.

    You just need to deviate from dating the 'same' guy over and over. Think about the qualities your exs had. If they all seem to be the same, try looking for a guy with different qualities that you may enjoy. EX: Keep dating bad boys? Look for a quieter type of guy. Does a guy have to be perfectly hot? Lower the standard for looks a little bit. Keep in mind, finding quality guys is hard in the vanilla world too.

    Also, I wouldn't immediately tell someone I danced. Give it time to make sure it will last first.

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    I love bad boys though :/ otherwise I'll get bored
    "Alot of people are afraid to say what they want, that's why they don't get what they want"~ Madonna




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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    While I hear of the many strong relationships that some dancers have, unfortunately I have seen the opposite far more often. When I was dancing I tended to run into men who either judged me for dancing and refused to date me (or date me seriously), or men who loved the fantasy more than the reality. When I did meet decent quality men (and sadly they are very rare)they wanted me to quit because they didn't want a dancer girlfriend. Because at the time it was my support I just couldn't. Later on I didn't date that much while dancing because it did cause problems. I ended up dancing during my peak dating times (meaning when people are starting to settle down)and when I did finally retire I found that very few decent men remained. I never lived the stereotypical stripper life of many men and other lifestyle choices but still didn't matter, men judged me. I fear that because I danced it will mean I will never have a marriage because of this choice. Yes some strippers are married but most of the marriages I knew did eventually break up.

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    Ditto to the girls who say to find someone through a mutual hobby, and that you need a guy who's a good critical thinker and can see past stereotypes.

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    Chances are rare. But you can hope for the best.

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    Dancing definitely narrows the dating pool. Some will say that it just weeds out the judgmental assholes, but I'm not sure this is true... I would probably be a judgmental asshole, myself, if my boyfriend worked my job. Hypocritical, I know. But most people can't help feeling threatened, it's a perfectly human reaction, even though it makes life difficult for us.

    There ARE healthy relationships out there, though. I really envy the people who make it work. Personally, my dating-while-dancing struggles are mostly my fault -- I internalize the negative parts of stripping and expect less from my partner. I also tend to get stressed/depressed/anxious from stripping. The two long-term relationships I had while dancing ended due to these factors, not due to my partner's insecurity.

    Which makes me terrified to tell the guy I'm currently seeing about dancing D:

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    While it definitely "narrows the pool" I like that it filters out the types of guys I wouldn't get along with. My fiancé is a total sweetheart, he doesn't get jealous and gets that a job is a job, and doesn't expect to have looser monogamy standards in the relationship as a result. I used to think doing camming (and now stripping) would repel the really sweet guys but somehow things worked perfect with the sweetest guy I've ever met.

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    My husband and I are very healthy. Been together for 3 years, I did meetc him at the club. But he was that guy who was there for a friend and he has never been big into strip clubs. He's a cowboy, old fashioned, jeoluse and possessive. But never withought my job, he's logical and open about it. He never comes in whIle I'm working. I think the main reason he is so good about it is because it pays for my college tuition and all our vacations lol

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    Default Re: Dating & Dancing: Is there any hope for a HEALTHY relationship???

    Honestly, ime....it's been no different now than before I danced. It's hard to find relationship material guys where I am. :-/

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