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Thread: If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

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    Default If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

    So I have this customer that comes in on a weekly basis and gets 1/2 hours with me. He likes to play a dominant role (light choking, picking me up, telling me what to do, asking me if I like to be dominated, etc.) I play into it because if a guy is paying $400 to spend a mere thirty minutes with me, why shouldn't I indulge in his fantasy? It didn't make me uncomfortable at all until last week- he told me several times that he wanted to rape me. I asked him to not say that, but he continued to, and justified it by saying "I know what he means" (i.e. dominate me). I will be seeing him at work sometime this weekend and I'm wondering if I should have a conversation with him about what is fantasy and what is reality. Any advice on how to approach this?

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    Default Re: If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

    whoa whoa whoa. that shouldn't be going on in a strip club, i feel any kind of BDSM should only be going on between two people who respect, and COMPLETELY trust each other. run!! and never do that again, that's friggn scary! just because a guy wants to get a half hour champagne with you ( 400 is nothing, trust me), doesn't mean you need to feel obligated to indulge anything you aren't comfortable with. fuck him

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    Default Re: If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

    I disagree with simone87 on whether or not that sort of play should only be occurring between people who respect, and COMPLETELY trust each other, however whether or not it should be happening in a strip club is a question I can't comment on -- although I imagine people who work in dungeons that specialize in this area have the benefit of having more experience and more support through working with people with experience in these situations.

    If you are uncomfortable with it, before discussing it with him you should have an idea of what your boundaries are and what potential outcomes of the conversation could be, and stick to them. If he insists that it's a key part of his fantasy and does not want to stop it, and you are not comfortable with that (it doesn't sound like you are -- I wouldn't be either) you should go into it knowing you could be dropping a customer based on his inability to respect what you are able to offer. It is important to stick to your boundaries, you do not have to justify them.

    (Note -- I am not a stripper! Other girls will have better advice on this than me, I'm just speaking from experience with BDSM & casual play partners / play partners that are not dissimilar to customers / similar experiences I have had with play partners insisting on "rape play" and regret at my inability to identify and express my boundaries).


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    Default Re: If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

    That guy sounds like he's not worth it. He's alot more trouble than the money he is giving you. You can tell him that the rape world creeps you out. If Mr. Psychopath decides not to see you anymore then great; he sounds like a nightmare to be with anyways.

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    Default Re: If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

    Wow that sounds uncomfortable. I've never met a domineering guy in the club, usually the opposite fetish shows up for dances. But if he is only getting one CR with you then may as well cut the ties; seems potentially dangerous and not worth it. Any man fantasizing about raping is probably thinking about it a little too in detail...

    Maybe you could tell him you want to do a different sort of dance for him, one that is more intimate and sensual, show him a completely different and seemingly loving side. He will either hate it and never bother again or will prefer that from now on.
    Or you could say, 'let me dominate you' and become a total wench and be as cruel as possible toward him, that could drive him away from you plus you'd get paid one more time.

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    Default Re: If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

    I agree w/ everyone saying it might be time to give this guy a reality check. Hypercollision esp has sm good suggestions on diverting his attention, w/ the possible added side benefit of dissatisfying him enough that he nvr bothers the OP again.

    @ Tasha, I understand you are not a stripper, but in the club we see a lot of guys who feel entitled to do whatever the fk they want to do to us since they are paying for our time. Read, the kind of guys who feel $20 gives them licence to get verbally or physically forceful. I admittedly don't have a lot of BDSM exp, as I get really freaked out by being restrained, but I agree w/ Simone that ideally that sort of play requires solid trust & respect of each other's boundaries, b/c then what are you going to do if you feel the play is getting out of hand? IME you would be pretty hard-pressed to find a customer who fits that bill, & it doesn't sound like the OP's customer does, if he is ignoring her discomfort w/ this rape-play bs.

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    Default Re: If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

    If that was me I would forget the $400 and have nothing to do with that customer anymore. If he approached me I would tell him I'm not interested. I don't play around with men who like to choke and talk about raping me. I wouldn't want to indulge anyone in that kind of fantasy either. It just feeds it and who knows how big his appetite is. You really have no idea what goes on in people's heads. Hopefully he is not a stalker. That dude should go back home with that and sit behind the computer where he belongs.

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    Default Re: If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

    I have a friend who used to sleep with a guy who was into the choking thing. It eventually escalated into choking really hard and saying things like "Die for me" during sex. She asked him to stop, but he wouldn't. She finally ended things after a night where she was literally kicking and punching him to get off of her because she couldn't breathe and he kept choking her and saying this shit. She was crying afterward, saying she was really scared he was going to accidentally kill her in the moment. He said he was sorry and he didn't mean to hurt her, but dude clearly couldn't control his violent fetish.

    Things are escalating with your regular, and he's already at the point of not listening to you when you tell him to stop an uncomfortable behavior. Do you want to risk him getting out of control and not being able to stop "in the moment" when he's doing something more violent or even life-threatening? Not to be all "cautionary story/scare tactic" on you, but the fact that he has a rape fantasy + clear inability to stop what he's doing when you tell him to stop, makes me think he's not far off from possibly really hurting you. You'll find other regulars to take his place. Never rely on one guy's money to the point where you refuse to take care of yourself and walk away when things start going bad.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

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    Default Re: If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    Never rely on one guy's money to the point where you refuse to take care of yourself and walk away when things start going bad.
    Right on! And this goes for relationships and marriages too!

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    Default Re: If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

    No amount of money is worth feeling uncomfortable. It's fine if you're comfortable with getting paid to let him choke you (though I strongly recommend warning a bouncer to keep an eye on you during your time with this particular customer and to establish a safeword/tapout with the customer), but everyone has a line that's not worth crossing. You want to make it clear to that customer that he has crossed that line with his rape talk, and that your time in VIP cannot continue unless he stops it.

    I don't think an entire conversation about fantasy vs. reality is necessary, but next time he comes in, before you head into VIP, straight up tell him that he absolutely cannot say anything about wanting to rape you, or else you will cut the VIP short. Don't be flirty or timid when you say this -- be calm but serious. Then carry on as usual. If he later says it anyway, you can either offer him one warning or simply stop the session since he already told him that would happen. Do not be afraid to assert your boundaries.

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    Default Re: If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

    Thanks so much for all your replies! It's great to hear the perspectives of people outside the situation. I wasn't uncomfortable until the "rape" thing came up...he is pretty "sissy". He also confided in me that he's been depressed, so I want to tread lightly around his feelings. Losing the money isn't a big deal, and I think you guys are all right that I need to draw the line.

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    Default Re: If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

    The fact that he is putting his hands on you, even if it is "lightly", isn't ok in a SC context IMO. It's NOT your job to be dominated on a actual level. Yes, it's you job to be a fantasy object-but an reasonably unattainable one. I have NEVER heard of (apart from spanking) a dancer being "dominated" at work. It's usually the customers who are the ones being roughed up for fun.

    I think that your relationship with him has very blurred lines and when the lines are blurred someone is going to cross them. You have given him the power-you should be the one who is in charge and in control at ALL times. Seeing as you have gone this far with him and it's an act, who's to say he won't take the act too far and believe that you are going along with it, when in reality he will be assaulting you. Reaffirm your boundaries and assert YOUR dominance-if you want to keep this regular then you can do it in a indirect way. Maybe he is innocent, getting too excited and doesn't realise that he's making you feel uncomfortable. If that's the case and he's just a sucker for dirty talking then, say something like, "...that's a dirty word and I know you are a dirty man, but I prefer the word "take me" or "have me". It's more domineering!". Hopefully he will realise he's over stepped a boundaries, take your advise and be respectful about it.

    But ultimately, trust you gut! If he is making you feel uncomfortable, let him know that you don't feel like playing a long today, that you are busy and cut ties with him. If his actions or personality worry you-tip a bouncer or let them know how you feel so that they can keep an eye out or be prepared in case your relationship goes south i.e. keep an eye on your time together, walk you to your car etc .
    “Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world” -Marilyn Monroe

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    Default Re: If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

    You don't know this man. He's working gently to make you think you do so he can do what he wants to you. You can accept that from the evidence of his behavior or you can choose to believe the impression he's given you with his words. You might benefit from knowing that clubs are open to the public and as such convicted felons are not barred from buying dances and bonding with girls who don't mind physical domination, emotional manipulation, value money over safety.... Here's info on how more gentle tactics work to get access to sexually/physically abuse.

    (snip) There are thousands of victims of sexual abuse that never come forward and report the crime. This may be due to a number of factors. First, the grooming technique an offender uses can make the victim feel as if he or she was an active participant in the abuse itself. If the victim feels this way, they may not report the crime because they may feel responsible in some way.

    There are still numerous people in our society that feel that rape is justified under certain conditions. Many people believe that a prostitute "cannot" be raped. Just imagine if a prostitute entered a police station and reported that she had just been raped. If the police are aware that she is a prostitute, how might they react? Moreover, maybe the woman chooses not to tell the officers that she is a prostitute. How would she relate the dynamics of the crime? How would the police react when they discover she is a prostitute?

    In an American Medical Association study, over half of the 6000 teenagers stated that there were some circumstances under which rape is acceptable, such as if the male and female had dated six months or longer or if he'd spent considerable money on her. (snip) http://www.angelfire.com/mi/collateral/victims.html

    So, my take on all of this is that this guy gets you to agree to this fake domination (true dominants don't blow off your complaints) so he can escalate and justify it by saying it was consensual because that's how you both relate to each other, AND you can't get him in trouble since you are a dancer, AND all of the money he's provided you really means you should owe your life and safety to him. No bueno.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

    BTW , if you want to explore BDSM, I think this site has some good requirements to ask of a potential dominant.

    http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/r...ubmissive.html

    It's a real lifestyle and you should play safely with others who are real not predators throwing out BDSM lingo to get unsuspecting victims.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

    Just to add to the posts above, I got bored one day and looked at the photo grid for sex offenders on the county website for a few cities I'd danced in and recognized about ten guys. Granted, some crimes weren't as violent as others, but what if your customer is on one of these sites OP? Is somebody who's been convicted of a sex crime and is probably bigger and stronger than you someone you want your safety-and neck-in the hands of? If you do nothing else, at least get the host to watch you two like a hawk while you're back there.

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    Default Re: If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

    I don't have a problem with light bdsm in a champagne room. This guy doesn't sound like much of an actual physical threat, more like the standard regular who keeps pushing for more until you have to drop him. I would patiently explain your boundaries and give him another shot. Tip a bouncer or floor guy to pay extra attention, just in case. If he continues to talk about fantasies you can't tolerate hearing about, drop him (or at least re-negotiate your price. How much money do you need to hear him pretend he's a rapist?). All regulars, kinky or vanilla, have shelf lives.

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    Default Re: If and when you should burst the fantasy bubble

    You burst their bubble right after you get the cash!

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