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Thread: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

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    Default "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    Okk!! Idk, I just don't friggin know if I want kids and a husband??? I'm 26, no kids , and in a relationship, but I don't know if ill ever want kids . He has a 3 yr old son, which I'm ok with but I don't really want one of my own, I mean, I don't get all warm and fuzzy when I see kids, its more like glad he/she's going home to mom, which again I'm glad is not I. I love kids, just other people's lol Also, not sure if I want a husband, I get lonely, but I'm scared of that level of commitment, Im scared of feeling trapped in somethingMostly, its no biggie, just live the life u want, which I'm doing for the most part, but I'm getting older, and I feel like I SHOULD want a husband, kids, and the white picket fence, I don't want to die alone with no one thereHave you all felt this way ?? What decision did u make?? Any regrets???

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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    Yeah I feel the same too, don't want kids at the moment. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever want them or if I will be a bad mom, I feel too selfish right now. But I learned that these thoughts can change with time, experiences that I thought I wouldn't have or want have snuck up on me and I may think differently about having kids one day.

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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    Yea, they say that "motherly instinct" kicks in once u have kids, idk, I've seen women go from sad to glad during the course of their pregnancy, everybody's different tho. I just don't want to be "stuck", whether I actually am or not, I don't want to feel like that. I want to truly be happy with my lifestyle. Any moms that can shed some light from their situations???

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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    I am a gigantic commitment-phobe so I totally understand your fear of being "stuck" with a decision. Which is probably why I am so bad at relationships, and struggle with the kid question myself. Ultimately, I think having kids is something you should do only if you actually want to - trust me, there are plenty of kids being born every day. You don't need to add more just because you feel like it's your societal duty. There are plenty of happy, fulfilled people who like kids, spend time with kids, maybe even teach, but don't have the desire to raise their own. Not wanting your own kids doesn't make you a "baby-hater" or mean that you can't have children in your life in some way. But if you don't have the desire to raise your own children, then don't force yourself. Even if you did love your kid and the motherly instincts kicked in if you had a child, that still doesn't mean you should have one. Why?

    Every once in awhile, I wander to the site childlessbychoiceproject.blogspot.com. It's full of plenty of stories about people who decided, for one reason or another, that raising their own children wasn't for them, and they are perfectly happy with that decision. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a parent - there's also nothing wrong with realizing that it's not for you. Not everyone wants the same things out of life or should go down all the same paths - why should parenting be any different?

    As far as getting married and all that goes, I know a ton of people who never want to get married. And they have some of the strongest relationships I've seen with like-minded people. But as I know I have psychotic commitment issues myself, that's all I'll say on the matter since I doubt I'd know what I'm talking about if I tried to take that discussion further.
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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    I never wanted marriage and family, the whole concept just never appealed to me and most of the people I see who fell into a 'default' life pattern instead of making choices that worked for them seem to be pretty unhappy. I never thought not being 'traditional' was that big a deal, never felt an pressure about it, perhaps that would have been different if I felt like my parents foisted a whole bunch of hopes and dreams about grandkids upon me.

    I got my tubes tied when I was in my early twenties, one of the best decisions I ever made, and I stayed single until my late twenties. Had a lot of fun but didn't see the point of 'settling down' just for the sake of doing so. Then I met someone who I actually wanted to be with and all of a sudden I found someone I wanted more than I enjoyed being single.

    I guess my question would be, why are you positioning this as two polarities, either falling into a default 'husband/kids/white picket fence' or 'dying alone'? There's a whole world of choices out there and some of the happiest, most fulfilled peeps I know are single but they are def not alone, or they are attached but creating a life and relationship that works for them. I'd suggest getting out of the habit of conceptualizing your life choices as a series of pre-designed roles/slots to choose between. Make choices as you go, based on what you want and try not to make choices out of fear of the unknown. Know too that you can be single and not be lonely; having a life filled with good friends and fulfilling work can be incredibly satisfying. You can also be married and incredibly lonely. It all depends on the quality of each.

    If you're kind and honest with both yourself and the people in your life and you make choices based on what you really want instead of trying to anticipate how you might feel about something decades from now I doubt you'll have many regrets looking back. If you don't want kids, don't have em. If you haven't found someone you simply cannot fathom being without, don't settle down. If your perspective on either of those two change, then reevaluate what you want at that point.

    26 is really young to be worried about this. Think about how much your life, your world view has changed over the past decade, can you honestly say you know with any degree of certainty what you will want a decade from now? Two decades from now? I think one of the main attractions of 'traditional' life choices is they give an easy out, a way to avoid really thinking about what each of us wants as individuals at any given point in time. There's nothing wrong with marriage and kids, if that's what both parties involved genuinely desire. Choosing that ish as a default to avoid really thinking about what you really want seems like a recipe for disaster though.

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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    Lmao, yes, whheewwww ok, I'm not the kid hating weirdo some people make me out to be, I feel like anyway. I mean I feel empty handed when I meet up with peers and they're all married with kids and they're like "soooo what have u been up to ?"" I'm all like ummm working out and going to work lol, and they're like " ohhhh that's nice" all lukewarm and shit , then add stripper by night to the mix lol, they'll probably douse me with holy water Lmao . Thanks again for the info, ill google that site!!!! And I do have some nieces/nephews I can play huge parts in their lives. Raising kids is sooooo important and serious to me, I don't want to create a broken human, u know, not that I don't think I would do a good job, but kids watch everything u do, I remember things from my childhood that I'm sure my mom would rather I not. In fact, when asked what I wanted to b at age 5, I said "nudy bar dancer" , she must have been mortified!!!!

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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    YES! Mrs.Shooks, just yes, that's my black and white thinking, its causing and has caused me grief, ugh, both necessary and unnecessary. I'm working on not thinking in extremes, it flares my anxiety, which increases my whole fear of the unknown, vicious cycle!!

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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by lovelykinkade View Post
    Lmao, yes, whheewwww ok, I'm not the kid hating weirdo some people make me out to be, I feel like anyway. I mean I feel empty handed when I meet up with peers and they're all married with kids and they're like "soooo what have u been up to ?"" I'm all like ummm working out and going to work lol, and they're like " ohhhh that's nice" all lukewarm and shit , then add stripper by night to the mix lol, they'll probably douse me with holy water Lmao . Thanks again for the info, ill google that site!!!! And I do have some nieces/nephews I can play huge parts in their lives. Raising kids is sooooo important and serious to me, I don't want to create a broken human, u know, not that I don't think I would do a good job, but kids watch everything u do, I remember things from my childhood that I'm sure my mom would rather I not. In fact, when asked what I wanted to b at age 5, I said "nudy bar dancer" , she must have been mortified!!!!
    My father actually thinks I'm mentally ill for, among other things, the fact that I don't want kids. Idk if you're getting any direct or indirect pressure at this point to actually start dropping sprogs, but as hard as it can be to say it, this is def a subj where you need to exercise your right to say Fk It if you feel it's not for you. Your desires may shift w/ experience, true, but as you said, you don't want to raise a dmgd kid (& they know when you're not feeling it)(also not trying to imply that any kids you personally have will be dmgd soley for having been raised by you). You can't exactly return them once you have them, so I'd say it's a serious gamble ppl take when they go ahead & have kids hoping the maternal instinct will kick in down the road.

    Aurora_Sunset mentioned the childlessbychoice website. I also go over there sm times, or to other sites where I can find ppl who relate to my own desire to not have kids. I've nvr doubted my feelings abt not having kids, but it's good to go there sm times when I need a reminder that there are others who share those feelings.

    As for getting married, I have to agree w/ the poster above who pointed out that you seem to be making this an either/or deal. It doesn't have to be, & Fk the narrow-minded(however well-meaning they think they are) ppl that make you feel like it is. Your life is YOUR life and it can take a lot of balls to carve your own path, but ask yourself this: Why should everyone else's (i.e. Anyone who is trying to push you down the 'traditional lifestyle' path) desires for how I live MY life come before my own?'

    You are the only one who really has to live w/ the consequences of your decisions, again you are really young to be so worried abt this. Whatever you decide to do w/ your life, the most important thing is to live it for yourself.

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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    OP, I don't see anything wrong with being childless or single. I am never married and do not have kids. Sometimes I regret it but other times am happy I don't have to deal with all of the stuff with having a family. Until I got in my 30's I was staunchly never marrying or never having kids. Also, there are variations when it comes to the traditional lifestyle. I know people who are married but are Childfree, others who have kids but are single or divorced and everything else. I do like kids, enjoy dealing with them but would never be a step mom, while others would hate being a mom but could handle being a step mom.

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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by loveshooks View Post
    I stayed single until my late twenties. Had a lot of fun but didn't see the point of 'settling down' just for the sake of doing so. Then I met someone who I actually wanted to be with and all of a sudden I found someone I wanted more than I enjoyed being single.
    Alright, I said I would stay out of the "relationship" part, but I just feel the need to applaud this and give my personal story. I broke up relatively recently with a bf of two years after over 6 months of struggling with the question of staying or not. There were many reasons we broke up, but a lot of them went back to me just wanting to be single and "free" again. I kept trying to convince myself that I was just being "immature" and trying to "talk myself into" liking the idea of settling down and just having a normal, stable life like that. But no matter how much I tried to make myself like the "traditional" lifestyle, I just wasn't actually into it. Being single again, while lonely sometimes, I am ultimately so much happier being able to do my own thing.

    Moral of the story: if you know something isn't for you, no amount of "wishing and hoping" and trying to force yourself to start liking it because you feel you "should" is going to actually change your mind. Better to go with what you really feel you want.
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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    don't do anything you don't want to, and don't feel bad or pressured into it cuz other ppl are trying to live the american dream or whatever the hell. i'm not the kind of person who does the whole traditional white-picket-fence, barbeques, vacations to fiji, suburban, upper middle class WASP shit either. i do have a son who i love more than i could possibly imagine loving anybody and a great boyfriend but idk if i want to get married or have another one. i'm fine where i am. its a huge step to take, so don't do it unless that's what YOU want and you are 100%. you are still really young!

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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by simone87 View Post
    don't do anything you don't want to, and don't feel bad or pressured into it cuz other ppl are trying to live the american dream or whatever the hell. i'm not the kind of person who does the whole traditional white-picket-fence, barbeques, vacations to fiji, suburban, upper middle class WASP shit either. i do have a son who i love more than i could possibly imagine loving anybody and a great boyfriend but idk if i want to get married or have another one. i'm fine where i am. its a huge step to take, so don't do it unless that's what YOU want and you are 100%. you are still really young!
    I totally agree with this! I have kids, nearly have both of them raised now but don't make that choice until you are 100% sure and know in your heart that is what you want. It truly is life changing and it would be tragic to be making a decision like that without considering the sacrifices you will need to make.

    Life can be wonderful with or without children so don't let anyone pressure you into having them.


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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by lovelykinkade View Post
    In fact, when asked what I wanted to b at age 5, I said "nudy bar dancer"
    You're living the dream!!!!!

    Maybe you could just have an open relationship. Then you'd have the freedom to fuck who you want, but you wouldn't die alone either.

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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    I don't want marriage or kids either & everyone seems to think the same about me, that I'm gonna die alone and or there's something "wrong" with me lol. I just want to be happy & live a free lifestyle without any regrets. I don't have much luck with relationshits either bc I'm kinda like ^ Aurora Sunset, I have commitment issues with guys at times. I love the thrill of the chase so living the life of The Partridge Family isn't gonna make me happy in the end. I hate feeling tied down. The best way to describe myself is to use Madonna's character in "Desperatley Seeking Susan", I'm always seeking fun with different people at all times & always traveling somewhere. I've always gotta be moving or I have bad anxiety. My recent break-up has caused me alot of depression & has helped me to also reach out to live life to it's fullest & not let things like "tradition" hold me down. To each their own
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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    I was in a relationship like that and am so happy I got out. He had three kids and I only liked one. A house with a mortgage that I hated that he got a really good deal on cuz it's a piece of shit. I didn't want to leave my nice-ass apartment with a view for that. We were engaged and I didn't want to permanently commit to what would have been a shitty, boring life for me. I'm sure some girl out there will be happy with it, just not this one. I think life is too short to be in an unhappy relationship, regardless of how it may be someone else's ideal. You may always change your mind down the road, but just do what makes you happy for now.
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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    Having kids or a marriage aren't decisions to be taken lightly. While I love my kids, if I could go back I would have been a bit more careful. I used to be able to go out and have fun whenever I wanted. I didn't have to come home after work every night. I didn't have to worry about buying diapers and keeping food in my house. The list goes on.

    Sometimes it is nice to be able to be greedy and think of no one but yourself. I'm not saying avoid it, but why do you want to rush and settle? If it's for yourself, go ahead. But if it is just because you want to conform to what the rest of society thinks you should do, you should hold off.

    I have a cousin. 27 year old male in a long term relationship. His GF wants to finish school, get a job, and buy a house before settling. He started feeling like he was missing something because everyone he knew was married or had kids already. He's a football coach for a kids football league. Well, there are a set of 10 y/o twins on his team. Their mother isn't going to win any awards anytime soon, the father died, and 2 months later their house burned down. He took them in until their mother could find a new place to live. After a month or two they were able to move out. He still takes them on the weekends so they can have a positive male figure, but he has realized that his GF's plan is a good one.

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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    U ladies really get it, people automatically think I must hate kids or be unhappy to not want marriage. I told the girls at my day job this, one girl replied, "well what else do u live for then?"....... I'm like shit, myself, which sounded super selfish, kids are precious blessings, but sorry I just don't see me taking on that responsibly, anytime soon, if ever, and my boyfriend is like he wants 2 more kids, and he seems to want that more traditional life, but mannnn that shit is mad boring, just doing the cooking, cleaning now is getting old and we're just playing house

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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    I hate when I get the must hate kids because I refuse to date dads and don't have any of my own. I like kids, I work with them and enjoy kids. However, I refused to have any unless I was financially stable and I had a husband who was also financially stable. I wish more were like that where they put their concentration on other things besides having kids and getting married.

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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    Not wanting kids is in no way selfish. You know yourself, you are ahead of the game.

    I wanted kids since, forever. I have two and love them, quite literally, more than life itself.

    More pain is caused by people who just don't understand their own feelings on the issue.

    Most men who already have kids do not feel the need to impregnate every partner they meet. Their biological imperative is taken care of, they are set.

    If your current relationship does not work out in the long run, I would only caution, that being a hot stripper chick[;p] you can attract younger men, who may not be completely in control of their feelings on the issue, and may disappoint you

    Otherwise, worry less............

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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    I think the most important thing is you are asking yourself these kind of questions and trying to figure out what you want. Not having kids/a husband is totally fine. It would also be totally fine to just have one of the two. I think a lot of people just get married and have kids around 25 because they think "that's what I'm supposed to do". They don't really think about it, and whether or not they want it, and then it's too late, because once you have kids, can't get out of that for 18 years. And that's how 90% of bad parents are born, people who don't think before they breed. Take as much time as you need to decide this. Kids are expensive and they wreck your body, but I don't think there is anything else like them, it's a lot of extrememes. If you had kids would you want them to be their own? Thinking about having babies in the nearish future the last couple years has made me pretty keen on adoption. The idea of literally ripping my body in half is about as unappealing as it is appealing to me to give a child in need parents and a home. Win, win, decision pretty much made. I also like the idea of adoption because there's not such an urgent annoying "timeline" as there is with biological children.
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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    I'm good friends with a guy who's 45 and his wife who's in her late 50s. They decided never to have kids. As the years go on I appreciate more and more how much freedom they've had. They live like they're rich, traveling and indulging in little luxuries all the time. I've traveled with them and they are my favorite vacation buddies. When they were younger they were able to move wherever they felt like and start businesses without worrying too much about failure. They have zero regrets to my knowledge. Our friendship has strengthened my resolve never to have children myself. Of course I might change my mind, but knowing them really normalized it for me and I can see exactly how the choice can pay off rather than a nebulous hypothetical.

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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    yes def ^ THINK BEFORE YOU BREED!!!!! I'm so glad I didn't follow the traditional "pop out a baby & settle" crap when i was younger, soooo glad I've made alot of brave & incredible decisions for myself over the years but I feel I've actually lived more life than some ever will. Yea I've had boyfriends in the past that wanted to be settled & never leave their hometown but I didn't wanna stay so i broke a few hearts along the way but that's life I guess. I refuse to live MY LIFE to make someone else happy. That's been a real lesson learned Besides you could always adopt at 50 or 60 yrs old ~
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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    For some reason I read that one can always adopt a 50 or 60 year old, lol. Anyway I agree because I wish more people really thought about it before they had kids. If they had we wouldn't have as many kids being raised by single parents or divorced parents.

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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    http://thoughtcatalog.com/abby-rosma...-to-have-kids/

    Someone posted this on facebook today and it made me think of this thread. Thought it was a good read, so figured I would share it.
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    Default Re: "traditional lifestyle" idk if its for me !!!!

    ^Good read. Thanks for posting
    “Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world” -Marilyn Monroe

    "True sexiness has many facets-confidence, strength, intelligence, and humor. It isn’t just about trying to look sexy; it’s an art and one becomes skillful in it when she realizes that there are all these conflicting elements that all come together to make something magical"-Dita Von Teese

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