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Thread: Lesson in love

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    Featured Member Jeska's Avatar
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    Default Lesson in love

    Is it possible to convince an older man (I'm 32, he's 42) to take on chance on you if he's too scared because he's been hurt in the past, or should I consider this a lesson in love? I unexpectedly fell in love with this amazing man after 5 months of dating and I could tell his level of interest was the same as mine, but now he says he's hesitant to go any further because he loves so strongly that it consumes and distracts him from life! In all fairness he is a very sensitive, artistic individual in which case I believe his reasoning to be true... But I can't help my feelings for him. What should I do?


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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lesson in love

    Let him go. You won't convince him. If someone has a chance to be with you and they want to be with you, they'll be with you. Whatever his reasons are, they're clearly stronger than his desire to be with you. You can't "fix" someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship. The best thing you can do is go about your life, give them your blessing, and maybe they'll come around in their own time, or you'll move on regardless.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.






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    Default Re: Lesson in love

    Honestly just see where it heads. I don't want to scare you, but I am 42 and it seems many of the men left over are afraid of love. Some have been hurt while others have never really been in love and are afraid. Some of them will get over their issues if they want someone, especially if they meet the right one but others will not.

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    Default Re: Lesson in love

    Listen to him.

    If he is being honest then he is telling you he has this pattern of behavior, this is likely who he will become in a deeper relationship with you. It sounds negative to lose focus to that extent. But either way he is the only person who can change that behavior, not you.

    When you say he's too scared to go further do you mean commitment/emotional wise or physical? I guess if it was me, I'd just think about what I want and if I really believe this will be a mutually beneficial relationship.

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    Featured Member Jeska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lesson in love

    The scared of commitment part is on an emotional basis.

    Yea although letting it go would seem the less stressful option, a part of me wants to stick it out just to see where it will go... I know he's still interested because he constantly gives me incredibly sweet and sincere compliments, continues to keep in touch, and has made a couple comments hinting to if we were to ever get into a serious relationship with each other. So he still has the option of being with me in the back of his head, but hasn't been completely sold on the idea. I guess I can live with that.. I'm just wondering if there's anything I can do in the meantime? I haven't dated in a very, very long time and fear that I may be doing something wrong. Maybe there are some good books out there for women like me starting over..

    After having ended an extremely long relationship not too long ago I honestly wasn't expecting to fall in love with someone and want to commit.. I was seriously looking forward to meeting new guys and loving my new freedom.. But that has changed since meeting him.


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    Default Re: Lesson in love

    His fear of love is STRONGER than his feelings for you. Walk away NOW..you can't help him overcome this fear, don't attempt to play therapist.

    I'm speaking from experience...fell in love last year. His response was, "I have anxiety and insecurity issues..you don't know what I've been through with women!" Long story short I stayed trying to work through HIS bs and he ran because I got too close. He was emotional to include actually crying. In retrospect he probably should have been medicated.

    Hoping the best for your situation!

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    Default Re: Lesson in love

    I agree, always let a guy walk. If he wants you he'll try his hardest to get you.

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    Default Re: Lesson in love

    If you really want to give him a "push" to actually being with you, pretend to get official with someone else.

    I say that half-jokingly buuuut... at the same time not really. Seriously, every time I've dealt with an emotionally unavailable man who wouldn't commit fully, the second I moved on to actually be with someone else, I was suddenly dealing with very emotional men going on and on about how they couldn't believe it and wanted to be with me SO BAD, and I "should dump my bf to be with them instead."

    People like this are very much about "wanting what they can't have." You're making it too easy right now, because you clearly want him so he has all the power to keep stringing you along cuz "you'll always be there regardless."

    Again... I say this half-jokingly but... kinda drunken seriously. :p I'm against game-playing at this point, and all about just really walking away and moving on to someone else. But, ya know...
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.






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    Default Re: Lesson in love

    ^ what Aurora said ^
    "Alot of people are afraid to say what they want, that's why they don't get what they want"~ Madonna




    "Respect is a dying art"

    "Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box"


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    Featured Member Jeska's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lesson in love

    Some good things to think about.. Thanks everyone. About 2 weeks ago we were watching a movie and he whispered "I love you" so that was very nice to hear. I think he's the kind of guy who is just really sensitive, shy, and needs to take it suuuuper slow. Normally I wouldn't have the patience for this kind of thing but it seems to be working out ok. The only complaint I have now is not getting enough SEX!! It's funny because being a stripper I should be a pro at seducing the guy I'm seeing, haha. I'm so horny but we only do it about once a week and it's definitely not enough. I am always the one that is coming onto him, maybe older guys aren't as horny, or maybe he's too distracted/stressed from work? Maybe I'm a bit out of practice because I got out of a 9 year relationship 8 months ago and haven't dated much since? :/


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    Default Re: Lesson in love

    Quote Originally Posted by Aurora_Sunset View Post
    If you really want to give him a "push" to actually being with you, pretend to get official with someone else.

    I say that half-jokingly buuuut... at the same time not really. Seriously, every time I've dealt with an emotionally unavailable man who wouldn't commit fully, the second I moved on to actually be with someone else, I was suddenly dealing with very emotional men going on and on about how they couldn't believe it and wanted to be with me SO BAD, and I "should dump my bf to be with them instead."

    People like this are very much about "wanting what they can't have." You're making it too easy right now, because you clearly want him so he has all the power to keep stringing you along cuz "you'll always be there regardless."

    Again... I say this half-jokingly but... kinda drunken seriously. :p I'm against game-playing at this point, and all about just really walking away and moving on to someone else. But, ya know...
    Yes, and as soon as he's with you he becomes emotionally unavailable again.
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Default Re: Lesson in love

    first off - that age gp isn't much at that age. 22-32 is significant, 32-42 is no big deal - 42-52 - who cares, lol. So there's that. (BTW, I'm 38 and my wife is just about to turn 25 & we've been great for 5 years and only getting better).

    Secondly - his "fear of commitment" and fear of getting hurt is, if he's mature at his age, legit. Not the BS guys in their 20's throw around - he isn't some emo kid languishing in agony over a breakup 8 months ago. Everything I read - he's probably more into you than you think and worries that you aren't going to reciprocate. You're in the prime of your life and gorgeous; even older guys with a lot of confidence worry that you'll bail for someone younger & hotter. Sooth that fear & he'll open up REAL fast.

    Third - sex... Well, that depends on the guy, lol. I'm hornier now than I was at 18 - or ever, for that matter. Other guys I know my age aren't so into sex anymore. SO it's hard to tell. Honestly though - insane sex drive that I have, I hold back a LOT with women, especially if I really like them, for fear of them thinking that's all I want. Especially if you're particularly attractive, silly as it sounds, that might actually cause him to back off a little. Flat out tell him that you're into him, attracted to him, and you need more sex. Tell him it's not about wanting other guys, but you want HIM to want you more. I give it an 80% chance he'll be boning you twice as much as you want afte the first time he initiates and gets a super enthusiastic response, LMAO!

    Oh - I should explain since you don't know us, lol - yes, the married part and the rest are both true, we have a very open relationship.

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