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Thread: Is it wrong for me to say he was bisexual?

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    Default Is it wrong for me to say he was bisexual?

    Ok a bit morbid but the individual I'm talking about was murdered. I think because he was bisexual or gay but not really because he did have likely a child or 2 never married exclusively dated women.


    This was long ago. It kind of seems for that to be true because his murder wasn't random and likely done by someone who was a homophobe who pretended to be gay to earn his trust and may have been serial killer who targeted him because he was at some level homosexual or had homosexual desires. And the investigators believed it was someone who was, well I guess, a potential sexual partner/encounter. And it seemed the culprit was a man and that's who the investigators were looking for. And from what we know he was strangled while nude and put upside down in the closet of all places. Very seemingly planned out. The victim was an alcoholic and at bars all the time and lived on top of a bar. So it would make sense to me to believe that obviously it was a drunken hook up gone wrong with obviously a man. Since this guy was in the navy and almost 6ft tall. Therefore, making the victim bisexual, plus his brothers were likely gay as well. And plus what I heard with my mom who actually knew him much better than I knew him. She said he had in the past said something that seemed like he was bisexual. And when talking to my mother the last thing you want to be is anything having to do with gay people. She's a staunch conservative and hates all homosexuals transsexuals bisexuals heteroflexibles pansexuals you name it. So it seems like he was bisexual. Which I don't really care either way.but it's apart of the story. To say that I lost a male relative to a deadly hook up. People tend to have questions pretty fast.

    I only talk about his story like when a few friends and I were talking about hooking up on craigslist. Things of that nature where it has to do with safety situations. It rarely comes up. But like there was something on fb I wanted to post but didn't want to exactly offend anyone because his family is on my friends list. Is it wrong to say that? And if so why? More the message is safety rather than orientation. But it is also a part of the story. Advice?
    Last edited by Nickirose20; 12-11-2013 at 01:42 AM.

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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Re: Is it wrong for me to say he was bisexual?

    I'm not really sure why his sexual orientation needs to come up at all if all you care about is safety. Why would it matter any more than if the victim was a straight woman and the culprit a straight man, or the victim a gay woman and the culprit a bisexual woman, or the victim a straight man and the culprit a gay-identifying woman who still sometimes slept with men? All you need to say is "I knew someone who was killed, most likely because of a hookup." Just because he may not have been murdered this way had he been straight as an arrow doesn't mean his bisexuality, or gayness, or anything else needs to be part of the story. Especially since, from your account, you didn't seem to actually know him that well and are just trying to piece together a solid "label" of his sexuality based on clues. People have all sorts of nuances to their own sexual identity, and he's no longer around for you to ask him what he considered himself or why he did the things he did or even why he was actually murdered and by whom. I think you're making way too big of a deal about precisely identifying a not-so-well-known-acquaintance's sexual orientation. It's really not an important part of the story if your main concern is a cautionary tale about hooking up rather than gossip.
    Last edited by Aurora_Sunset; 12-10-2013 at 03:20 PM.
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    Default Re: Is it wrong for me to say he was bisexual?

    +many ^^^^. Discretion is the better part of valour, & of speaking of the dead & whatnot. I'd say when you get down to it, his exact sexual identity is really tangential at best when put nxt to the larger idea that he was, well, murdered. This really doesn't need to come up at all, frankly I am a little put-off by the fact that of all the good or bad or indifferent qualities this guy possessed, this is the thing you choose to bring up when discussing him.

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    Default Re: Is it wrong for me to say he was bisexual?

    I'm actually related to him... He was not just an acquaintance. Which I guess maybe you're right. I should not say I lost a close relative who was a victim of those circumstances. First time, I spoke about it. We were talking about a gay guy who was hurt during a hook up. We were all asked to share our opinions... I shared mine that I lost a very close relative in a similar situation and how and why I felt it was important to always be cautiously safe. I referred to him as like you would to a relative as "my brother" "my father" "my uncle" type thing. I didn't actually say anything about his sexuality but as the conversation progressed it was understood he was bisexual or gay because people assumed it was a man.

    Also once I have said something to make a point in a meeting sometimes. But like I said it wasn't a problem because I only do that when talking in an lgbt friendly setting.


    The problem is if I ever even eluded to that my mom would know what I was talking about because I only know three people who died. My great grandpa who was old. My great aunt who was an alcoholic and him.

    And my mom still has fear problems because of it. And if I simply eluded to it lightly I'd likely open a can of worms I don't really want to open. I'm not trying to gossip I just have a hard time talking about it because its only my nature to call him what he was to me.

    As far as who killed him the authorities seemed to know by how the scene of the crime that the killer was likely a sexual partner that for some reason murdered him. I didn't find him. So it's not like I'm accusing him. It's just what those who worked on the case thought.
    Last edited by Nickirose20; 12-10-2013 at 11:49 AM.

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    Default Re: Is it wrong for me to say he was bisexual?

    Oh yeah I have other things I wanted to say it's just something happen last night made me want to ask.

    Anyhow this is why I'm actually not talking about him as his relation to me.

    I am indifferent about him. But that's just because I never knew him really. But I actually do have a sense positive feelings actually more than negative. I love him the most of all my closest relatives.
    Last edited by Nickirose20; 12-10-2013 at 11:50 AM.

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    Default Re: Is it wrong for me to say he was bisexual?

    nah, definitely don't say anything on fb, totally inappropriate. dangerous drunken hookups can happen to anybody or any sexual orientation, and him SUPPOSEDLY being bi-sexual should be left out of it altogether. whether or not you are indifferent to you, or whether you love him the most ( kind of confused there), his death and privacy should be respected.

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    Default Re: Is it wrong for me to say he was bisexual?

    Online I sometimes thought it was not a good idea to share the story and its why I haven't even though its easy to find out his story anyhow because I'm very closely related to him. The whole thing was on the news locally etc. so it's no hiding out people who I've never known in my hometown actually know about the situation. I just didn't because my mom was scared to say anything about it. And it's already online. So I guess that's why I was like why does it matter?


    No one quite gets why I of all people don't feel the feelings other grieving family feels. But I didn't know him. If I explained it would get too deep into the situation.

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    Default Re: Is it wrong for me to say he was bisexual?

    My best friends recently divorced sister was brutally murdered after leaving a nightclub with some random dude. The guy was never caught. Her sons were divided between the family for care. 15 years later they are still hurting. A lot of trauma all round.

    There ya go, i was able to share my story without getting into gritty details. I'm sure yo could as well.

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    Default Re: Is it wrong for me to say he was bisexual?

    Yeah that's how I told it. I said I lost my dad due to similar circumstances of being murdered by a guy he knew at a bar. And it obviously affected me and my mother in similar ways. My mom struggled raising me as a single mom she didn't even get survivor benefits and scarred her in that she never wanted to find anyone else because she didn't want to get in a similar situation. I have no idea where or of my brother is even alive because we come from different moms. I can't explain the situation really all that well without saying my dad was murdered by a random guy he left with at a bar. The times I've said that it always comes to insinuate that he was bisexual in some form or another.

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    Default Re: Is it wrong for me to say he was bisexual?

    If ppl are jumping to conclusions on their own then that is on them. If ppl ask inappropriate questions based on these misguided conclusions, you would not be out of line to shut them down. As Simone pointed out (she summed up much more cleanly the point I was getting at), why exactly is it anyone else's business what his orientation was?

    One of my own mates rang me one nite to pick him up b/c the guy he left the bar w/ (a mutual friend up to that point) had sm ages-old grudge & fucked him up after they had both been drinking. Take that single sentence as you may but both of these guys are straight.

    If your relative just got badly fucked up instead of killed -- read - if he was still around to hear it -- do you think he would want you advertising his orientation? That's kinda the impression I got from your OP, & what put me off.

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    Default Re: Is it wrong for me to say he was bisexual?

    Yea of course... I never try to advertise his sexuality....

    I just talk about the incident and how it affected me.


    I just say I lost my dad because he was murdered by an encounter who randomly left with at a bar. And that the guy was never found. I told my roommates the situation because we all talked about our family stories.

    Both of them had at least a parent addicted to drugs. One spoke about how their dad's drug addiction affected her relationship with her dad. And that he chose drugs over her. And the other shared that her dad was a child molester and her mother dealt with post partem depression and tried to kill here when she was younger and was emotionally detached from her. And that both her parents were addicted to meth which brought her to foster homes growing up. I shared that my dad was an alcoholic and that I knew that was why I can't even drink when I turn 21 because it's in my genes that I'll get addicted and I have an addictive personality. But explained I was never raised around him or had to deal with an alcoholic parent because he died before I was born. Then of course it was asked why he died. And I said that basically he was murdered after a bar related hook up. And that the guy was never found. Of course it was asked if he was gay and I said probably not he was likely bisexual. I was only trying to relate to the fact that I did lose a parent due to an addiction related situation. But it tends to turn out whenever I say my father died before I was born I get asked why. And when that happens I say exactly why. And I tend to think maybe it's best to just say I don't know why he died. My mom actually didn't tell me until I was 17 because it was a really sensitive subject for her.

    It tends to be when I talk about my parents it is a curiosity about my dad and when I say murdered if they know me well they want to know more and I'm not scared to share because I don't have that many emotions tied in with this situation. So I do explain. Other times if they don't know me it's no need to go that deep.
    Last edited by Nickirose20; 12-10-2013 at 11:14 PM.

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    Default Re: Is it wrong for me to say he was bisexual?

    Yeah, it's really no one else's business. You could just say "My dad was an alcoholic and was killed by a guy after leaving a bar one night." It's true, but doesn't necessarily lead to them asking questions about his orientation (which is really none of their business). If it's a good friend, I can see you going into deeper detail in private. And if they start asking for labels on his sexuality - well, since you never really knew for sure how he identified, you can just say that you don't know exactly what he considered himself, but you think he was hooking up with the person who did it. It doesn't really need to be about specifically labeling him as long as the main points about the incident get across.

    As far relatives go, regardless of who did it or why or what the circumstances surrounding it were, being brutally murdered in such a way, this is always going to be a morbid, touchy subject with them. So I would just refrain from speaking about it around them. It may not even be his orientation that makes them upset, but just the memory of what was done to someone they loved so much - that has to be hard to think about.
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    Default Re: Is it wrong for me to say he was bisexual?

    I know around relatives never to say anything around them. Because that's just asking for problems. And I can't even really talk about my dad all that much without accusations of how I should or shouldn't feel I try to not talk about him. This way keeps it pretty simple. Thank you. When telling his story as far as the dangers of anonymous hooking up its usually around people who aren't exactly concerned whatever his sexuality is. The moral of the story is be safe and don't invite strange people to your home that may have bad intentions.

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